[denjef31]

GMAN,

Good for you! You shook her up, snatched that security blanket right from under her. As long as she had that comfort she was going to keep going the route she was on, the road has been altered and the path not so clear. Keep doing what you are doing, do not let up or change because you are seeing some positive signs from her because if you do she will revert back to the path she was on with the OM. You are walking a very fine line, but if you keep this up the rewards of saving your marriage could be within reach. Praying that god helps you continue to say and do the right things.


Denjef31

[denjef31]

Shelley,
Your husband is confused and cycling. It really depends on the emotions he is feeling at that time. He will continue to go back and forth, up and down, as he goes thru the tunnel. When the fog is the thickest, and the euphoria is at a heightened level we do not want to be married, we cant feel that we love you, we just feel empathy for you like you would a dear friend who is hurting. Some days we get clarity and the euphoric feelings have subsided somewhat.

 Maybe the other person has pissed us off, disappointed us, the mask the OP wears has slipped and we begin to see things we don't like or didn't realize about that person. Then we compare them to you, and that's when we give you affection because we aren't so sure about the new life anymore so we cant close the door completely on you either. We will string you along unfortunately but not on purpose. Just one big state of confusion. It really is I love you, I don't love, I love you, I don't love you type of thing going on in our head. The feelings are very fluid and change daily and anything can trigger it.

[Nas]

Shelley,
Your husband is confused and cycling. It really depends on the emotions he is feeling at that time. He will continue to go back and forth, up and down, as he goes thru the tunnel. When the fog is the thickest, and the euphoria is at a heightened level we do not want to be married, we cant feel that we love you, we just feel empathy for you like you would a dear friend who is hurting. Some days we get clarity and the euphoric feelings have subsided somewhat.

 Maybe the other person has pissed us off, disappointed us, the mask the OP wears has slipped and we begin to see things we don't like or didn't realize about that person. Then we compare them to you, and that's when we give you affection because we aren't so sure about the new life anymore so we cant close the door completely on you either. We will string you along unfortunately but not on purpose. Just one big state of confusion. It really is I love you, I don't love, I love you, I don't love you type of thing going on in our head. The feelings are very fluid and change daily and anything can trigger it.

This is so interesting, thank you for this thread!

Denjef, my H moved 1000 miles away from me in June.  I had my lawyer draft a financial agreement and H stalled and avoided me for months.  He is paying me monthly alimony in the amount we agreed upon but never signed the official agreement and made up just ridiculous excuses for months about why he hadn'ts signed.

A few weeks ago, he found out I am moving 700 miles away.  I wouldn't think it would affect him since he has moved so far away from me (emotionally and physically...1000 miles) and started a whole new life.  But the second he learned I was moving, he had his lawyer draft a divorce petition.  He put it in the mail to me yesterday so it will arrive just a day or two before our anniversary.
He knows I have literally just a few days until I make a huge move out of state, and last night he sent me an email saying I need to sign the paperwork ASAP because his lawyer needs to file it with the court before I move. 

Talk about selfish and controlling!  He is trying to make me jump through hoops now when I am stressed and moving and have no time, when he did nothing for 19 months and didn't respond when I had my lawyer draft something up back in June.

I feel this is a play for control and was done out of anger.  Just wondering what your take is based on your experience on why he would be affected by me moving to a new state and since he's filing for D now after avoiding it for almost 2 years, has he firmly decided he's staying put in his new life.

[denjef31]

Strength,

The tunnel for me is nothing like what I envision it would be reading the articles on this forum. You have to remember I denied my depression for most of the 3 years.  The tunnel is a very dark place, at least it was for me. It is a place where I did most of my thinking and rationalizing. I was in the tunnel and out of reach emotionally from everything and everyone. I would literally mentally be in the tunnel for times on end not being able to process the slightest detail of anything. I hid in the tunnel. I actually felt safe in the tunnel from making any decisions or assuming responsibility for anybody's happiness.

The tunnel for me also was a stagnant place where I was not learning or growing, but just still because I felt comfortable being suspended as if time stood still until I was ready to pick and start moving forward. Imagine a child having a safe place they run to when they are scared. Perhaps under their bed, in the closet, and the tree house.That is the tunnel, but for the adult it is deep within the mind. The tunnel has layers to it. As I passed thru, the fog was lifting ever so gently and the load became easier to carry and process.

Every layer removed, the work that needed to be done became more bearable, my outlook about things started changing slowly. I begin to see more positivity instead of doom and gloom. My thoughts and memories begin to change. It had happened so gradual that I literally felt like I was getting and feeling better to starting to be aware of things I was not cognizant of prior to. I was able to function, I was able to fool everybody, but I literally was a walking mental nutcase. No sleep, just thinking, processing, sadness, and self pity, followed by an urge to surround myself with people who were the opposite of me to fulfill things I thought I was missing or lacked in myself. I hope I explained it somewhat so you get an idea of the tunnel. Let me know

Denjef

[gman242]

DJ, I like many others thank you so much for providing your experience here. You sound very much like what my wife is going through to a T. Reading the LBS experiences only confirms what I'm going though, while you're confirming what she is, through my own observations. And your feedback for my own actions is much appreciated.

They say it's the case and I believe so as well.. Do you feel that you had gone back in time almost to a younger you or to a place where you were confronted with the issues you had prior to your own crisis? Is that what the tunnel is, like a safe place between your current life and that of your past?

I had a transition myself at 35 and I often said I knew where the limits and walls were and that's what kept it a transition. My wife instead has said that she has none, since she doesn't care about herself on a fundamental level and I'm assuming that's what makes it a crisis. What you said about the OM rang true with me; it was just something you had to do or try, to get it out of your system.

I can see my wife feels much like you must have.. I'm the love of her life, but she wants a "pause" button.

[denjef31]

Nassua,

In my opinion I think you are correct it sounds very much like a power play. When you decided to move and I am assuming this was not discussed or agreed upon with him prior he felt he lost a little bit of control over you. You will no longer be where he left you and he does not like that one bit. The urgency he is placing on you to hurry and sign is definitely to piss you off, but he may not even be aware consciously that he is doing this.

What I mean by that is he is so irritated by your moving 700 miles away, and out of the last place he has attachment to with you that he is pushing for the divorce. However, once he is divorced then what? What other power play cards does he have? If I were you and if you can I would not give him the expedited divorce. Remember emotions and feelings are fluid during MLC. Other than him moving 1000 miles away how are the both of you with communicating, being friends, any flirting, relationship talk?

Denjef31

[denjef31]

GMAN,

There were no walls where I was. No clear path, just darkness and thinking, thinking, and more thinking. I do believe my depression was a crisis as it was not mild in any sense. There were days where I welcomed god to take me now. I just wanted to die. the statement of being in nothingness does a very good job of summing up my feelings. My attempts at euphoria was short lived, and I was always searching for something, anything to fill the hole. Despite what other people are saying their spouses tell them I thought everyone felt like I did but was just coexisting with life like that.

I wanted more, I wanted to feel alive. In that dark tunnel I was in there was a good and bad side of me; it was a jeckyll/hyde situation. One part of me was saying don't do this, look at the people you will hurt, the damage you will cause. The other self was saying do it! You only live once, I have to live for me and me only and when I die I didn't want to have any regrets. So I constantly fought these feelings but the bad side always overpower at first.  I didn't think about it then, but I often kept fixating on the age of 20 during that time. I kept saying if I could just rewind the clock to when I was 20 years old. In my mind I was the same person, it was everyone else that had changed. Just mental confusion surrounding us at all times, and nothing is as it seems is true. Everything is reversed if you can understand that.

Denjef31

[Nas]

Nassua,

In my opinion I think you are correct it sounds very much like a power play. When you decided to move and I am assuming this was not discussed or agreed upon with him prior he felt he lost a little bit of control over you. You will no longer be where he left you and he does not like that one bit. The urgency he is placing on you to hurry and sign is definitely to piss you off, but he may not even be aware consciously that he is doing this.

What I mean by that is he is so irritated by your moving 700 miles away, and out of the last place he has attachment to with you that he is pushing for the divorce. However, once he is divorced then what? What other power play cards does he have? If I were you and if you can I would not give him the expedited divorce. Remember emotions and feelings are fluid during MLC. Other than him moving 1000 miles away how are the both of you with communicating, being friends, any flirting, relationship talk?

Denjef31

Thanks so much for sharing your opinion.  It's so helpful and appreciated!

I have no intention of jumping through hoops for him.  I have so much on my plate right now as it is.  He has had 19 months to act and didn't.

Our communication has run the gamut.  He lived close by until June but we didn't see each other at all.  He moved out July 2015 and was angry monster so we didn't talk much.  Then in fall 2015 he was very, very depressed and expressing a lot of self-loathing.  So when we spoke I tried to be encouraging.

Then in the early spring of 2016 I found out about OW (someone he knew from when he was young).  He at first expressed some guilt, but more so I think at being caught.  For about 2 months after he was communicating like crazy, mostly talking about our dog, who was like our child (we have no kids).  I guess I would describe him then as trying to be almost a "buddy" but he was still so distant and never expressed missing me or anything. 

When he moved I went very dark/dim because he was leaving me behind to start an entire new life: new city 1000 miles away, new job, new "relationship" with OW.  I had my lawyer draw up the agreement and I have only contacted him about that since June. 

When he first moved, he tried to continue sending me texts about our dog but I didn't respond as I couldn't be his "buddy" when he was doing this to me.  After I didn't respond a few times he stopped trying. 

When I communicate with him, I am polite, no anger, but mostly only discuss the legal things.  Every so often over the summer I would make one of the silly jokes we used to make between us.  But I guess if I had to describe it, I'd say since he moved away, I treat him almost like a distant relative.

[denjef31]

Nassau,

I don't think you should jump through any hoops. He moved away so he has to decide at some point after he stops running if he wants to reconcile or keep going the direction he is on. My question to you is are you still standing or do you agree with getting the divorce? Feelings for neither party ends after divorce, and in some cases the old relationship has to be dissolved completely for a new beginning. I have a friend who went thru a divorce, and they were divorced for 6 years before he woke up and wanted to recommit to the marriage. A long time yes, but a divorce is never what she wanted, and she has suffered but she was determined to silently stand for him.

Denjef31

[Nas]

I made it clear to him when I had my lawyer draft up the financial agreement that I do not believe divorce is the answer.
But he's signed divorce papers so I won't refuse to sign.  I'm just not going to rush to get it done before I move, which would be nearly impossible anyway.

I lost almost all hope of reconciling when he moved so far away and my hope these days is almost nonexistent.  I am moving forward with my life as if he's gone for good.

I wanted more, I wanted to feel alive. In that dark tunnel I was in there was a good and bad side of me; it was a jeckyll/hyde situation. One part of me was saying don't do this, look at the people you will hurt, the damage you will cause. The other self was saying do it! You only live once, I have to live for me and me only and when I die I didn't want to have any regrets. So I constantly fought these feelings but the bad side always overpower at first.  I didn't think about it then, but I often kept fixating on the age of 20 during that time. I kept saying if I could just rewind the clock to when I was 20 years old. In my mind I was the same person, it was everyone else that had changed. Just mental confusion surrounding us at all times, and nothing is as it seems is true. Everything is reversed if you can understand that.

Denjef31

The part I bolded hit me like a ton of bricks.  This is exactly what my H has done, gone back to when he was 20 years old.  He lives in a studio apartment that looks like a dorm room and is located on a college campus.  He has an entry level job like the kind you would take right out of college.  OW is someone he dated briefly at that time. (of course now she has 3 children and is separated, possibly divorcing her husband.)

It's amazing to me how you thought about going back to when you were 20 years old, but my H actually did it. He took it that next step of literally going back in time.

Makes me wonder if he can find his way back since he's taken it so much farther than so many MLCers take it.