[Butterfly777]

Den, I have a question for you. I think you know my story pretty much and how my H always been with the touching goes and making passes and so on... Since the lightbulb went off and I've been doing my near work and GALing, actually been enjoying getting to know me again . He still comes by every week and we talk on the phone at least once a week yet we've also signed papers and he continues to move forward with OW. My question is since I've been detaching it's like my H keeps pushing and poking at me until I basically let him know it still affects me or that I miss him. It has to be in some fashion or another of my sadness. The more I resist the more it's built up inside of me until I eventually throw him a bone . After he leaves I get aggravated with myself because I just want to fake it till I make it or pretend that I'm not affected by this . Each day gets easier don't get me wrong and it's actually easier when he's not around but as soon as he comes around that's when he keeps poking at me until I let him know I still love him or etc. but what he prefers as if I'm sad . That one I do my best to keep tucked inside but then I blow once he's gone . It's very draining . Any thoughts or suggestions or possibly both . Thank you!

[denjef31]

Den, I have a question for you. I think you know my story pretty much and how my H always been with the touching goes and making passes and so on... Since the lightbulb went off and I've been doing my near work and GALing, actually been enjoying getting to know me again . He still comes by every week and we talk on the phone at least once a week yet we've also signed papers and he continues to move forward with OW. My question is since I've been detaching it's like my H keeps pushing and poking at me until I basically let him know it still affects me or that I miss him. It has to be in some fashion or another of my sadness. The more I resist the more it's built up inside of me until I eventually throw him a bone . After he leaves I get aggravated with myself because I just want to fake it till I make it or pretend that I'm not affected by this . Each day gets easier don't get me wrong and it's actually easier when he's not around but as soon as he comes around that's when he keeps poking at me until I let him know I still love him or etc. but what he prefers as if I'm sad . That one I do my best to keep tucked inside but then I blow once he's gone . It's very draining . Any thoughts or suggestions or possibly both . Thank you!

I think I touched on this somewhere but you are right in a weird twisted way he does get some pleasure from seeing you miserable. It lets him know you are right where he left you. He is toying with you although unintentional it is still keeping you suspended for a later date and time. What is happening is that he is involved with OW, but he is not 100% convinced she is forever. What he is convinced of is that the OW is there for now. Every time you give him a bone, you prolong and hinder both of your progress.

I know you are probably thinking it is a good thing to share with him you still love him or want him in some way. But you need to be thinking back to what has history shown you when you do this? He runs back to OW feeling confident no changes need to be done just yet. So he is happy stringing you along while seeking comforts from the OW. I am a firm believer in paving the way, but what is happening here is checking his anchor is firmly in place.  STOP throwing him a bone. I did this to H for quite some time every time I got scared he may be moving on because I hadn't heard from him, or he seemed nonchalant I had to check the anchor. I would flirt, be intimate and once I was confident his feelings hadn't changed off I went to OM for my emotional highs.

This tells me and it should tell you H doesn't know what he wants but he likes the feeling he gets from OW, but he also doesn't want to let you go. Let him go completely so he can experience the real deal with this woman he is given his energy, time, and affection to. One of two things will happen. He will either gradually wake up from the fog and try to reconnect or he will continuing running and choose OW. Him choosing is better than you being in limbo. If this is within 2 years of BD I suggest you hold off on doing anything. MLC need a considerable amount of time in the pressure cooker to get fully cooked.

I faked it til I made it. I suggest you do the same, but if you are uncomfortable maybe enforce some boundaries. Be careful, boundaries doesn't work for everybody and they certainly didn't work for me. Boundaries are for you so that you don't go into a cycling frenzy like you have done in the past. I think you want to restore the marriage so I really do think you need to sit tight, and keep practicing patience and love. Look at his shenanigans as a clue as to what he may be thinking, and a clear indication of the sheer confusion that still exists in H head. He has not fully committed to OW despite what it appears. Keep faith, and stay in prayer!

[Watcher]

Denjef,

You describe my W perfectly. Once a month she initiated intimacy. Then she retreated everytime afterward.

In our case she too had the 6 month infatuation. She then invited me back home and there was absolutely no mention of him ever for the next 5 months. In June she relapsed. That was the anniversary month so I figured that was the trigger. My Dr did tell me that relapses were possible. It is her drug of choice.

She is in our home with the kids and I do believe they are her lifeline. Last Thanksgiving she stayed in her room. Yesterday they had dinner. I was at neither. I do see the progress and yes its slow. I can afford to let it breathe and be patient.

The overall main difference. Last fall she wanted me gone at all costs. 3 police visits to the house and attempted restraining order. This fall she is pissed that I left after her abuse. One thing that never has changed is Monster. It's been a constant.

I have been gone roughly 6 weeks. Without a doubt, if I went home today she'd march me straight to our bedroom.

It's best I stay away.

[gman242]

Can we sticky this thread?

I reread it all the time when i need a boost and more great info just keeps getting added to it.

[Butterfly777]

Den, first off I had to giggle when you said shenanigans . I use that word all the time and it makes me giggle every time . Yes , I agree with you hundred percent. I guess I just needed some reassurance . Holidays are a bit tough . There's no doubt in my mind he's not swinging from the chandeliers with OW or he wouldn't be making passes at me . And if that is what he thinks is a solid relationship then that's not the kind of man I want anyway and it certainly isn't my old H. When I think of all the clues he's given me in the past two years from who knows what'll happen in the future , I will always love you, you deserve better than me, I don't enrich your life so you should go enjoy your life , I think I'm where I'm supposed to be . Just examples and it tells me he's lost . Besides the fact that he's a recovering alcoholic so it's the same tendencies as far as I'm concerned , you know the addiction . I only throw him a bone because I'm going to blow and start bawling my eyes out . When he shows up I'm happy I'm go lucky I'm excited about the things that are happening in my life I act the way I do with every other human being in my life . I am not sad depressed or clingy in any form . So he'll start asking me if I'm okay and I'll say of course I am , so he'll keep pressing and then if he still wasn't getting a reaction , Hills start talking about how he knows how much you hurt me etc. etc. . Or he'll use any other tactic till he gets a response out of me other than of course I'm okay. Then he'll want to hug me and so on and so on . It's not that I'm not capable of detaching its the fact that after he keeps pressing and pressing till we get there that's the part I'm struggling with . I guess I need help with the boundary that when he starts I'm not sure what to do then . It's happened enough times that I know it's coming and what is looking for . I can't thank you enough for all of your help and your insight and willingness to share is comforting and I believe crucial to my healing and I believe others as well , so thank you from the bottom of my heart ! It's almost like because of what you're sharing and the advice that you're giving I don't feel this tremendous need to get it from my H . If that makes sense . You are a godsend !!

[denjef31]

Denjef,

You describe my W perfectly. Once a month she initiated intimacy. Then she retreated everytime afterward.

In our case she too had the 6 month infatuation. She then invited me back home and there was absolutely no mention of him ever for the next 5 months. In June she relapsed. That was the anniversary month so I figured that was the trigger. My Dr did tell me that relapses were possible. It is her drug of choice.

She is in our home with the kids and I do believe they are her lifeline. Last Thanksgiving she stayed in her room. Yesterday they had dinner. I was at neither. I do see the progress and yes its slow. I can afford to let it breathe and be patient.

The overall main difference. Last fall she wanted me gone at all costs. 3 police visits to the house and attempted restraining order. This fall she is pissed that I left after her abuse. One thing that never has changed is Monster. It's been a constant.

I have been gone roughly 6 weeks. Without a doubt, if I went home today she'd march me straight to our bedroom.

It's best I stay away.

Watcher,

Oh I did this too, sorry I could really tell you guys some history but then you would truly realize the the utter craziness I experienced. I would argue with H calls the cops to come escort him off the property then back making love the next week. Then I went silent and on with my life with OM and the attention he gave me. Then I would throw H a bone to keep him where I wanted him. Argue some more because he wanted me to commit to marriage and we fight, cops called again, make love again a few days later, but tell him it's over move on. Crazy cycling!!!!

Your wife still wants you, but she is also confused by her feelings. She doesn't understand them and she is fighting them. You are doing the right thing, she has to walk thru the maze that is taking up the space in her mind.

Denjef31

[Butterfly777]

I also was wondering what it was like for you when you were BD'd. Did you have to go through the stages of grief and then put your knowledge from the other side to use ? Or did you have a better insight as it was occurring so it made it slightly easier, of course that it was easy at all . I find it interesting that pretty much as soon as you emerge from your fog your H then went into one . Did you have any time to share with him what you were feeling at the time and let him know what you were going through ? It would be interesting to know if that had any effect on how long he would stay in the fog .

[denjef31]

Den, first off I had to giggle when you said shenanigans . I use that word all the time and it makes me giggle every time . Yes , I agree with you hundred percent. I guess I just needed some reassurance . Holidays are a bit tough . There's no doubt in my mind he's not swinging from the chandeliers with OW or he wouldn't be making passes at me . And if that is what he thinks is a solid relationship then that's not the kind of man I want anyway and it certainly isn't my old H. When I think of all the clues he's given me in the past two years from who knows what'll happen in the future , I will always love you, you deserve better than me, I don't enrich your life so you should go enjoy your life , I think I'm where I'm supposed to be . Just examples and it tells me he's lost . Besides the fact that he's a recovering alcoholic so it's the same tendencies as far as I'm concerned , you know the addiction . I only throw him a bone because I'm going to blow and start bawling my eyes out . When he shows up I'm happy I'm go lucky I'm excited about the things that are happening in my life I act the way I do with every other human being in my life . I am not sad depressed or clingy in any form . So he'll start asking me if I'm okay and I'll say of course I am , so he'll keep pressing and then if he still wasn't getting a reaction , Hills start talking about how he knows how much you hurt me etc. etc. . Or he'll use any other tactic till he gets a response out of me other than of course I'm okay. Then he'll want to hug me and so on and so on . It's not that I'm not capable of detaching its the fact that after he keeps pressing and pressing till we get there that's the part I'm struggling with . I guess I need help with the boundary that when he starts I'm not sure what to do then . It's happened enough times that I know it's coming and what is looking for . I can't thank you enough for all of your help and your insight and willingness to share is comforting and I believe crucial to my healing and I believe others as well , so thank you from the bottom of my heart ! It's almost like because of what you're sharing and the advice that you're giving I don't feel this tremendous need to get it from my H . If that makes sense . You are a godsend !!

Honestly  this is therapy for me, I blocked it out for so long ashamed and embarrassed by it. Now sharing what I can to help others hopefully will hopefully help others to understand and heal from the hurt this atrocious mental illness causes.

Butterfly, you throw him a bone because you want to throw him a bone, you hope in your mind this time he really wants to reconnect, you hope he is finally being sincere and he has made decisions. Deep down you know this is not true but you still hope that it is. Because you long to be with him. I get it Butterfly and I certainly understand and been where you are. If you are not strong enough to resist him checking the anchor then you must remove yourself from being available until you are strong enough.

Please understand I am not saying give up or move on, I am saying give yourself a chance. Resist for now in hopes that rebuilding can begin in the future. You don't call, you don't initiate and that makes him wonder. It puts you at an advantage but then you show your cards when you give in to his anchor checking and you are back at square 1. He leaves to go back to his safe adulterous haven with OW. Just stop it already!!!!

If you want change you must initiate the changes to get different responses from him. When he starts being receptive you give in. You are doing the pursuit and distance dance right now. You back off he pursues, you give in and he becomes distant again. Get off the rollercoaster ride for now because it is taking you nowhere fast! He needs to be in the pressure cooker for a little while longer.

Denjef31

[Butterfly777]

Thank you my friend! I needed that! Sometimes we need a spanking , LOL! I don't know why it seems easier to be told what to do because I already knew the answer . My heart just seems to give in to him but if somebody tells me to do it then for some reason I have more strength...crazy, I know. But believe me I become more capable that way. Kinda like lifting a card to save a baby when the pressure is there but any other given day you don't have the strength to lift a car. Besides I do know that the definition of crazy is keep doing the same thing expecting a different result so I guess I'd rather be crazy getting my 2 x 4 then to keep doing the same thing over and over .

[denjef31]

I also was wondering what it was like for you when you were BD'd. Did you have to go through the stages of grief and then put your knowledge from the other side to use ? Or did you have a better insight as it was occurring so it made it slightly easier, of course that it was easy at all . I find it interesting that pretty much as soon as you emerge from your fog your H then went into one . Did you have any time to share with him what you were feeling at the time and let him know what you were going through ? It would be interesting to know if that had any effect on how long he would stay in the fog .

I came here struggling and searching for answers like everybody else. Completely blocked out my own depression or being able to link the two. I never thought about the same things I am hearing and seeing in H I did to him. I was so consumed by the pain of it all some days I just couldn't get out of the bed. Once again I was stuck in my head processing how could this happen. How could he fight for me for 3 years and then poof! It's over, I love you but.......

At first I thought same thing as H did, I took too long, he met someone and he moved on. Too little too late but then I noticed his cycling. I did the same thing he did I tried begging, pleading, reasoning with him and none of that worked. It absolutely no real effect on him to stop doing what he felt he needed to do. He cried uncontrollably every time he saw me while telling me he was not sure he wanted to be married. I knew he was so confused. His actions didn't match what he was saying. Sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way. I would stop pursuit then he would call for something stupid, or he would stop by for like 5 minutes long enough for a hug and kiss. That was his way of checking the anchor when I tried to detach. I begin to think back of things I said and did and put it all together. I have used how I felt, and what I was thinking and did as my guide for the last month or two and it has helped me tremendously.

I no longer cycle, I have completely let it go with the faith and understanding. The depression/MLC is pretty much script. I don't fully understand how we can do and say things almost word for word but the things I am reading are very much script from my own experiences. He just text me asked me "wyd wifey?" as I am writing this. A few months ago it was crickets!!!! No time for me and couldn't be bothered he was running like I had the plague. This is just an indication of how suddenly things can change from what seems like a train that has run off the tracks.