[Velika]

I was hoping to start a discussion on ways the LBS can "get the most" out of the anger phase -- while still getting through it.

I am wondering if I am finding myself a little stuck lately because I'm just not sure how to be angry in a way that a) doesn't make the situation worse; b) doesn't hurt me or anyone else and c) actually burns off the anger.

If you have thoughts, tips, books, tricks that worked for you -- I would love to know! Thank you.

[Roma]

Attaching. I need guidance as well.

[in it]

I tried to take it and turn it into determination. I started a business and a lot of my physical energy went into that. And I was pissed I can tell you that much as some on here know. Not being able to get justice after being assaulted. 

Of course with the trauma and triggers it did come out in other ways. Some friends and others  in my life heard it. I wrote letters to others. It left me feeling unsatisfied for the most part as the people I really felt needed to hear it didn't.

I have just started after three years to be able to focus and read a book and as a last ditch effort with the grief I went to a hypnotist. It helped a lot. I felt I was stuck in the anger phase for way too long.

I slept ( and still do use sleep)  to escape the stress, and am taking Magnesium and B-12. And cry. I cried so much I thought I would dehydrate. I drink a lot of water and drink a de-stress iced tea. And I work..a lot.

I still get mad and sad and I cry I just try not to get carried away with the emotions so much. For a while it was if I got mad, or sad and started to cry over something small all of a sudden everything would come to the forefront. Not pretty...

That was something that wasn't "allowed" in the ex relationship. I wasn't even free to FEEL without being put down over it or dismissed.  Didn't matter if I was happy, sad, mad, peaceful, whatever. Whatever way I felt about things wasn't allowed,wasn't the way to feel about it, didn't matter, or if I'd felt that way too long according to the ex ( after the death of my father the ex was flipping out because I was still crying 2 weeks later..so I stopped.. BIG mistake) in the ex's opinion my feelings didn't make any sense. Technically I see in hindsight it was because it took the attention and focus off him. I once thought it was because he felt helpless to "fix" it.

So needless to say after 28 years of bottling them up- the divorce, then then me returning to the ex stupidly thinking it was an MLC and then the assault when I was leaving him happened they were overwhelming when I finally felt them. Especially since I was so clueless that I was in an abusive relationship. Or actually a highly abusive relationship.

 Now I also try to laugh as much as possible it's a great stress reliever and helps your brain. I practice being grateful and thankful.

IMHO: If you go or are NC that at least will not make the situation worse. It won't hurt you or anybody else.
 

[Dji76]

Anger was difficult for me as well. There was just nowhere to place it because the person you are angry with no longer gives a ... I spent a lot of time alone and in the gym. I turned the anger inwards and felt very depressed. It was just something I needed to learn to work through on my own and not let it eat me up. I knew I didn't want to stay angry and managed my actions accordingly.

[strength]

I go through the motions every day.  I go to the gym daily to destress.  My question - Why is it that we are the ones so hurt and depressed and H and OW move through life merrily.  Just recently my H told me he was miserable.  Its been 3+ years for me and the family.  Holidays coming make it worse.  Nothing is the same.  The beautiful family holidays are gone forever.  I miss that so much, but H doesn't seem to care at all.  H and OW go away on holidays.  Just don't know where all of our lives will land.  I am always looking for answers.

[No expectations]

I actually welcome the anger, it feels more like I am in control than when I am sad and crying.  Then I feel like the victim.  I use the anger to motivate me, I'll be damned if this is going to beat me!  I beat cancer, I am beating my autoimmune issues, I WILL beat this.  A very good friend told me "No matter what, you WILL get through this.  You may not know how, but you will".  And that struck a chord with me.  I am eating right, exercising, and ensuring I still have an active life with work and friends.  I am going to learn to play the bass, and plan to take trips that I always wanted to do, even if I go alone.  I'm WORTH IT.  And so are all of you

[in it]

Not good Dj That's a lot of what depression is..anger turned inward..you have to let it out.

And Strength no the holidays don't help. I know I will not ever be sharing another holiday with the family I had.

My girls and I had things we shared..stories, places we went at Christmas.  Shopping the day after Christmas. I miss them.

 Traditional dishes I made for the table Thanksgiving.The hand-print turkey paintings the girls made in Pre-K  I had made into place mats for the table.  I had started where each of us would say something we were grateful for. It is difficult at best to understand that won't happen again.

 I still try to focus on what I won't miss. That does help a lot.
 
And at Thanksgiving it's how he would criticize that the turkey was too dry or whatever else he could that wasn't perfect after I had worked for hours to make Thanksgiving a nice family holiday. Eat..get up from the table and not even help with the dishes.

At Christmas I won't miss not getting presents. Or even a card. Or the fact that for years I got the tree..sat it up and took it down by myself. Did all the Christmas shopping, wrapped all the presents, then when it was about two days or so before he would ask "What did WE get so and so?"...uhmm I didn't see you in the car or the store when I spent days shopping.

I remember one year the downstairs family room was redone with new carpeting and he had replaced the paneling with sheet rock and it had all been professionally painted. The room had a large fireplace.

 I went out to get the tree that day and the girls decorated it. We all worked really hard to have the room look nice for him when he got home from work. There was nothing else in the room yet except the glowing Christmas tree and next to that the fireplace mantle draped with greenery and stockings and to set it all off blazing fire.

 We anxiously waited in the darkened room for him to come home. Saw the cars headlights in the driveway. Heard the car door close. The door opens and we all stood there smiling..his reaction..zip-zero-nada..what a waste of time.

All I can say is focus on what you do have instead of what you don't. Focus on other family members and friends.

[MoreWillBeRevealed]

The first month post-BD I felt like I had PMS times a 1,000 every minute of every day! I had no control over the anger. I finally realized the only person I was hurting was me. I made a decision to surrender my anger. I'm in a 12 step program so that has helped me to admit I am powerless, believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity, and I can turn the MLC over to my Higher Power. I prayed like I never prayed before. Starting going to church again. Joined a Divorce Care support group. I started meditating, utlizing my own practice but also guided meditations on youtube. I also started yoga again. I still have moments of anger but they are remedied fairly quickly. I get upset most with the injustice of it all and how "happy" my H seems to be. I also keep very busy with positive things like my 12 step meetings, spending time with family and friends, traveling, writing, and now I want to learn how to play the guitar. Keeping very busy squashes the anger or prevents it from percolating. I just don't have room for it. But when I'm isolating or have down time, that's when I get angry.

[Ready2Transform]

The anger did improve for me over time. Once I hit that stage I found trying to repress it made it worse, but I couldn't completely channel it into other areas in hopes of avoiding it altogether. Sometimes you do the letter writing or just having dummy conversations where you say what you need to say as though they are there ("they" being whoever needs to hear it). I did a lot of walking to stomp it out. I changed my physical space up so I wouldn't have as many environmental triggers. I stay on top of my supplements. I put a lot of energy into my business, but I was still very distracted for a long time. I am a creative person but for years felt completely paralyzed to transmute this into anything creative. I think I just needed to process. Now I am in a much better place to create music or art that turns it inside out. There are still moments, but I think that's normal, given the severity of the situation. Five more years down the road and I expect most of this to be anecdotal instead of raw. Five years post-BD it is certainly a completely different animal that is much more tame.

[Shelly7435]

Angry is where I am at right now.  For me, I have to go thru this.  It makes me determined to not repeat the same things I have done like being Passive.  Nor will I put up with his antics any longer.  He is on his own to deal with this issues...

I think anger can be to your advantage but need to let it go in time or I am afraid I will be bitter... but for right now I am angry and determined.!!!

I actually welcome the anger, it feels more like I am in control than when I am sad and crying.  Then I feel like the victim.  I use the anger to motivate me, I'll be damned if this is going to beat me!  I beat cancer, I am beating my autoimmune issues, I WILL beat this.  A very good friend told me "No matter what, you WILL get through this.  You may not know how, but you will".  And that struck a chord with me.  I am eating right, exercising, and ensuring I still have an active life with work and friends.  I am going to learn to play the bass, and plan to take trips that I always wanted to do, even if I go alone.  I'm WORTH IT.  And so are all of you

I am with stilllvhim on this one...