[Velika]

I am curious about this, and know the answer will vary from person to person, or even within the same family.

My husband has almost totally forgotten about me and our dog. He seems to consistently lack empathy and even a conscience at times. However, he is hyper-fixated on split custody since about seven months into MLC. (Before that he seemed inconsistent with our son but often not present.)

Does he feel empathy for our son and does he enjoy spending time with him, or is he "using" him the way MLCers "use" the OW, as a type of validation and narcissistic supply? Or does he regard his son, as I sometimes suspect, as a younger version of himself?

Are MLCers selectively empathetic? Is the paternal or maternal bond so strong that it can transcend MLC?

I'm curious to hear any and all thoughts and experiences.

[isabella4567]

Velika,

My take on this is that the the kids are a a source of narcissistic supply for the MLCer.

I do not exclude the possibility of seeing the child as a younger version of himself (although it might not apply to my MLCer).

I have seen the total lack of empathy of my H with our daughter.
He said that kids are resilient and she will be "fine".
The MLCers do not want to see the reality of the damage they are doing to their children.

From my experience so far, the paternal of maternal instinct will not be stronger than MLC. Specifically my H said: "People should not stay together for the sake of the kids."

[strength]

My H blamed so much on our 2 sons during the M.  Never did H complain before MLC but I believe H needed to blame someone so H took it out on me.  Said multiple times that I did everything for the children.  Amazing how they followed in H's footsteps and now H is jealous saying if it wasn't for him, children would not be where they are in life.  35/33 successful and happily married with children.  Children do not speak to H.  They are disgusted with him.

[OffRoad]

I think it depends on the child. The very young have no voice in the matter and must go with the MLCER if it is required. In that case, MO is that the child is someone that the MLCER can control, maybe force to do as they do, or control by the fear the child has that the MLCER will abandoned them, too. If the kids are older and don't agree with the MLCer, or will argue with them  the MLCER might not want to have to deal with that and abandoned them, or they might try to bully the child to get their own way.

In all cases, I think it is all about the MLCER and what they want or get out of the relationship, whether it is pretending that they are a FABULOUS parent, needing to control someone, or needing someone to "like" them. I don't believe that what is best for the child enters their mind at all.

[kikki]

Completely agree with your thoughts on this Offroad

[Songanddance]

My husband has almost totally forgotten about me and our dog. He seems to consistently lack empathy and even a conscience at times.

Typical MLC  - the spouse is the one they disconect from first and the last to re-connect.

Does he feel empathy for our son and does he enjoy spending time with him, or is he "using" him the way MLCers "use" the OW, as a type of validation and narcissistic supply? Or does he regard his son, as I sometimes suspect, as a younger version of himself?

Are MLCers selectively empathetic? Is the paternal or maternal bond so strong that it can transcend MLC?

I think empathy is a non-existent word in MLC land for majority of MLCers. Empathy is the capacity to feel someone else's pain and to consider how they could help that person without getting attached or jumping into the pit with them.  So no an MLCer is incapable of true empathy.

Remember everything they do is for their sense of "entitlement". They are "entitled" to live their life they want to - they are "entitled" to see their children when it suits them, they are "entitled " to be happy etc.....yadda yadda yawn!

Therefore paternal instincts are not necessarily in play here. What is in play is a guilty sense of duty and if they believe (as MLC lets them) that the children would be better off with them - then they will construct all kinds of arguments to prove their point.  This is where the spouse has to have boundaries but be incredibly gracious, bright, breezy and calm.  Any jumping off that tight rope only perpetuates the MLCer's need to have control of those who he feels he can still control ie the children and any lawyer that fights his case.

[bluerose]

My h has abandoned our 3 children. My oldest s21 has spoken and seen h only once in about a year and that was for about 30 seconds. S21 and his girlfriend  are trying to have a baby. I told rhis to h un august. He said uf he wants me in the kids life fine, if he dont then fine.
     S19 is the one who will fight with him. I think h likes it. Although deep down he is very scared of both boys. They have threatened him physically.  They have also threatened  to tell the ow about us being together a couple of months back. Thats when he cut all ties with them.
       D12 called h on november 12 to tell him that she started cutting herself. He brushed her off. No empathy, care or feeling in his voice. He has yet to call her or me to see how she is doing. She had him on speaker phone. He actually rhinks rhey are close and have a good relationship. He is very dillusional in that area.  He has only spoken to her that one time and has not seen her in 3 months. He was never a perfect dad but he was a good dad. It is very heartbreaking  how this evil takes over them. All 3 of our kids want nothing more to do with him. I think that deep down they still care and love their dad but have pushed it down so it does not hurt them anymore. Something needs to be done with this sickness.

[Dumbfounded]

I think Off Road is dead on or at least that has been my experience with my MLCer.

[living with Hope]

I think OW1 didn't want to share my H with the children. So he hardly saw them. He only took all 3 for lunch once in 3.5 years alone.  Otherwise he involved me in all times with the children.

OW2 is  supposedly a good person.  A good Mom.  He seemed to be trying to reconnect with the kids.  He sent the D a letter.  It had no depth. It was an apology that screamed he was a victim.  The D threw it away ( i fished it out and kept it just in case one day she wants to see it).  Once it came out about OW2, he really hasn't tried.

 2 of the 3 kids have no real relationship.  The 3rd child talks to him by text every 10 days or so. See each other once a month maybe if that. 
]
My H biggest wound was that he thought he was emotionally abandoned by his parents.  He has done the same to his children along with physical abandonment. (he hid where he lived for over 3.5 years).  He only has a texting relationship at best with any of them. He loves to send twitter feeds as his form of contact.

He does like to brag about the kids to his friends though. He alludes to things like he is a constant in their lives.  It is always a shock for someone to hear he actually hasn't had anything to do with his D in over 2.5 years or that his youngest has seen him since June.

The Father my children used to have would win Father of the year if you compared him to this version.  It is very sad that his own flesh and blood don't stand a chance against his inner demons.

[Roma]

I'm very curious about this topic myself also. I see drastic changes in H mostly regarding SS16.

To reply to the question of the thread, I feel they see them as extensions of themselves, just like they see us as LBS, as someone posted eariler.