[Absolutely Fabulous]

Den, what would you have done if the choice wasn't yours anymore? If your h got fed up and divorced you ?  Of course during the time you would go for him then run back to om . It seems it was a game for you . How did you feel when you would be teasing your h ?  Like he was a piece of $h!te ? Garbage? His feelings didn't matter? He was a doormat ? A chump?

I remember Sewing 22 saying that it was about knowing that that caring was still there. She said she needed to know that he still cared. It wasn't until her XH put his foot down that she stopped. It really is all about them.

One of my male friends said that it made him feel empowered. He also felt more confident to run around ( invincible is a better word ), and that he could still come back home. Confident that she still loved him and would stay right where she was. Boy is he regretting how he was now. At the present time, his wife is going through and MLC and he's seeing the damage that he's done being on the receiving end. Denjef has stated that her husband had been doing similar things to her. What comes around goes around happened. I think that she too has an intimate knowledge of how it feels to be on the receiving end.

She stated that it repulses her to think of how she acted throughout her MLC. What more do you want blood?  I know you're angry, but she's not the one that should be getting the brunt. She's doing her best to make amends by helping us. Please give that some consideration while you're on her thread.

[denjef31]

Den, what would you have done if the choice wasn't yours anymore? If your h got fed up and divorced you ?  Of course during the time you would go for him then run back to om . It seems it was a game for you . How did you feel when you would be teasing your h ?  Like he was a piece of $h!te ? Garbage? His feelings didn't matter? He was a doormat ? A chump?

I will address this because I don't like the way it was worded or what it seems to imply. The choice is not mine anymore right now, and I am standing because I love him. I knew I loved him and that I always would. Even in the fog when I was the most despicable person to him he still was my first real true love. No man has ever touched my heart the way he has. I still saw myself growing old with him. I was not playing a game, none of the MLC'er are playing a game. They are hurting, they are scared of the future, and they are scared to make the necessary changes within to grow.

I never treated H like garbage, but I did treat him as if I didn't love him anymore, and that there was no chance of reconciliation as I loved him but not inlove with him or so I thought. My affections and concerns were fixated on OM at that time, and yes it was hurtful to H but I couldn't help myself. I felt entitled to feel what I was feeling. I felt entitled to start over, to be happy. If that meant hurting H feelings, I felt he would be okay he could get over it as he is a very attractive man and has a lot of admirable and good qualities about him he would be a great catch for some nice women.

I lied to my H about everything, I lived a double life. I pretended to be sick of him, of us because I just couldn't tell him I met and wanted to be with someone else. When the fog lifted, I came clean and confessed to everything. He cried his eyes out and I felt like scum on the bottom of somebody's shoe. He will occasionally bring it back up so I know it is something he will never forget, and I will perhaps spend the rest of my life showing him I will never portray him again.

I do not believe if H walked out and divorced me in the middle of the thick fog that I would have just gave up and walked into OM arms. It would have turned my world upside down, and deflated the big ego I had. I knew the whole time OM was just a distraction, and it would not last at least for me. I hurt OM, as he was really wanting a future and a relationship with me but it was never meant to be. My heart already belonged to someone else but the feelings were hidden and buried deep within. At the time I didn't feel that way I wanted to divorce H and move on with my life and no I didn't give a rats ass about his feelings at the time. That's what the fog does to a person.

[Butterfly777]

Amen!! It saddens me that this has gone way off topic . I come here because I am hurting and this is my place of comfort . The last thing that I want to read is all of the tearing down and nasty comments . I'm here to be uplifted and encouraged- not to walk away feeling injured again and worse then when I came to the site . Each one of us is hurting...

[denjef31]

The newbie issue is a huge one. Everybody thought for a guy like me, it should be easy to dump her and run like hell and believe me, I got fed up with getting the same advice over and over and I know you all know me from here and how I'm slowly getting untwisted.. 

People like to hand out black and white advice for a gray area problem; it's even easier to do online when you're only seeing the movie one frame at a time. It's hard .. that's all I can say. If you're going to give advice, filter it through letting them know it's ok to do what's right for them..

Gman,

You know I got the same advice, let go and detach. Yes it is true that's what we have to do but getting there is no easy task. It hurts like hell, you don't want to let go, you don't want them to think it's over and not repairable. It was very hard for me to finally let it go and stop begging, pleading, manipulating the situation and I know first hand what it does to your spouse when you do that. When my H tried everything he knew to do it just made him very unattractive to me and made me more confident in my decision to pursue OM and see what else was out there.

Everyone says detach but not really how to do that. It is something that takes time and what works for some may not work for others that's for sure. I have told close friends of what I am going through and I was given the advice to go no contact and move the hell on. My intuition was telling me not so fast denjef31, he waited and fought for you...if its real and the love is still there then I should fight for him as the saying goes it aint over til it's over. Coming here reading others standing for their marriage like my H did for 3 years just felt right. It felt like I was amongst people who were and are experiencing what I am going through. I was so resistant to applying what I already knew from my own experience and the good advice given here. I finally let go of the emotional rope a few months back and it was like having a front row seat again to the same behaviors I did to my H.

I really cant even describe it to give MLC a clear picture to someone who hasn't experienced it as it just looks like fun times for the MLC'er, but it isn't. At least for me it was not. I completely 100% relate to the frustration of being told to move on and let go.


Denjef31

[whatthe????]

Seriously,
we are all hurting in some way or another but the lashing out has got to stop.  This is supposed to be a safe place for all of us to get the support and comfort we need.  This is not a place for attacks of any kind.  There are many things that we will all disagree on but you do not have to make your disagreements known in a nasty and vile way.  Remember that most of us here have been on the receiving end of some pretty hurtful comments.

Den, you have helped many people here and for that we are all thankful for your insight and comments. 

[Butterfly777]

Sorry Denjef, I was posting at the same time as you . Thank you for sharing!!

[Keep believing]

 Den , Om gosh . In no way did I intend to sound mean or attacking . I'm at work so I just type fast to get my question out there. It's funny you say that , my h actually has told me ( it's been 2 .5 years) and it has inflated his ego . He said he thought I would have given up by now . Now this is confusing because. If I would have given up would he have stopped already? But you said you knew you would spend the rest of your life with h , it does seem like it was a game to you . Do you see my point ? When you came close then he did , then you ran again. Honestly with all the mixed signals and confusion.   What's your best advice for an lbs when all this coming and going is going on and as an lbs you get frustrated and feel used , like a doormat . That pull must be very strong if you had an idea that you would be with your h for the rest of your life but yet kept it up with om ,

[Roma]

Den, what would you have done if the choice wasn't yours anymore? If your h got fed up and divorced you ?  Of course during the time you would go for him then run back to om . It seems it was a game for you . How did you feel when you would be teasing your h ?  Like he was a piece of $h!te ? Garbage? His feelings didn't matter? He was a doormat ? A chump?

I feel fortunate Denjef is here. It's a wonderful thing she is doing. Please don't confuse her with whoever it was that hurt you. These type of posts will drive her away when so many of us see just how valuable her staying here answering questions is.

[denjef31]

Oh I must have interpreted it wrong. It may seem like a game to some from what I wrote. That's the way I was thinking at the time, that's what MLC is depression and confusion. On one hand I wanted nothing to do with him, but I didn't want him to move on with anyone else. On one hand I wanted and saw a life with OM, but I knew deep within me somewhere that I was suppose to be with H. I knew it would not last with OM, but I pursued it anyway. I completely gave up and abandon everything for something I deep down knew had no potential to go anywhere and that was not because OM didn't want to it was because I subconsciously even in the fog would only let it go so far I guess.

I cant explain why I believed my future would someday be with my H again, as any "sane" person would draw the conclusion if you knew that, felt that why then would you go through all that hurting, pain, and running if I knew the whole time? Well because a part of me didn't want that to be my life, didn't want to grow up, I didn't want to give up the emotional highs I was getting from this new relationship that was so going so well as OM "got me" we just clicked and it was easy and effortless.

[Seeing The Light]

Den... your response to Keep believing's post has touched a cord with me.  I want to thank you for taking the time to respond and being so candid.  My experience with my H and how I treated him during my mist/fog time did not go down the path of OM.  But I hurt him just as badly... through my lack of action, my withdraw from him, from us... I've realized lately that I made him feel horrible emotionally in ways that at the time, I just didn't get because I was wallowing in my own lack of self. 

I've had to work on forgiving not just my H, but myself... because I can't allow this guilt that I was feeling about how I was treating him to stay.  And oh, during this time where we are reconnecting... it was hard, so hard to hear these things from my H and how I needed to understand what I had done to him emotionally. 

I didn't insult him, I didn't physically abuse him... but I feel that by me not taking care of my past childhood issues, not taking responsibility for me and who I was early on in our marriage... contributed to how I treated him and the burden that I placed on him to create my happiness for me.  And our conversations that we have had since we started to reconnect have revealed that deep pain I was causing him.  It's really a wonder that he hasn't left me. 

I just wanted to say thank you... because I feel like your response, as painful as it probably was to respond to, gave me some insight into myself and some things that I am still working on.