[Keep believing]

Well den , I have changed everything that he didn't like about me.
But I didn't like about myself. I think maybe either he is holding on to resentments or he is not sure if he could quit drinking . I also believe he thinks I would not be able to let go of the past . In the messege to responded by email.  Is it possible he was giving me his check because of coming back some day ? Funny the things you told me to tell h is what I did tell him. I'm not sure of when h might  bottom out but I know his mother doesn't know what to do about his behavior anymore . She told me this. I told her I gave him his money so he. Could get his apt. Or I said why doesn't he move in with ow . Also this job he has he is supposed to stop traveling . It was supposed to be in July then nov but yet still traveling. Something has to change soon I would think . Regardless of him hitting his bottom. Either his parents , not traveling and get more invoke executive with ow or she must be getting tired of his bull$h!te too . So many different direction s with him , I would think he would have to employs from that but who knows . Thanks for your input and anymore you could share . Are you saying my h is double sided because he has his parents and ow ?

[Christina13]

This is something I'm dealing with myself. H days what do want from me , to come home.
I just found out that he has been involved with a married woman at work. I know believe this has been the entire time after bd. maybe before. Or entertaining the idea.
He went from crazy behavior to depressed behavior. Done drugs and been a complete monster. Projection from day one.
Now he claims he's in love. Finally admitted it to me after I had proof.
What an affair down. He told me before he had cheated with a late twenties early thirties attractive person. Omg no. Older than me. Wrinkled and not attractive at all. It's crazy to me. Why make that up ?
How do you feel when they are older and not attractive ? My h has mayjie self esteem issues. Said I did that to him. He too blames the marriage failure on me. Absolutely nothing to do with ow he says.
 Today he is acting like he never admitted anything to me. He's saying there is nothing to end. Nothing is going on. I was very angry. I mean I've been put through hell this year and told lie after lie. Been called names and abandoned along with my kids.
 Does he love her ? I mean did you believe you loved om? My husband aggressively kept sleeping with me.
How can he be in love ?
He filed for divorce but never served me. Found out ow filed two months before. He denied he filed.
I think he was pushed into it.
Today he was so bizarre saying you have no proof. Nothing happened. Nothing to end because nothing is going on. In a weird voice. After admitting everything in a depressed state two days ago.
What the hell is this. He will get fired if found out. If I go to his boss. Because he's the manager.
A part of me wants him to get fired. So they can't be together. He's not giving me money anyway.
He told me I was crazy today. At times he's erased stuff in his phone in front of me. Then told me I didn't see anything.
I think he's ill. I don't think I can stand at this point. How do you when he's telling me I'm crazy.
Do I out him to everyone? Make him have consequences. He's a coward. The way he's handled our kids and I.
All I did was apologize for what he says I did. Neglect him . Hurt his self esteem. He has a drug issue too.
How the hell do I know who's talking ?
Today I don't know if it damage control. He thought I was recording him ?
I think it's more of the same pathological lying . Thinking if he says it it's true ?
Any help here is appreciated.
We will end up divorced because he's not giving money. And I think ow is pushing. When will he wake up. 

[Christina13]

She just changed her profile picture on Pinterest to a sarcastic b face. I can see she knows I know. It's been the same for a year.
Guess she's going to be really nasty.
I can feel it.
How could he bring this poison in our lives. We had a beautiful love story.

[Keep believing]

Den,   Did you hit a bottom? What happened and what was it like?

[bluerose]

Den,

         You have said that once your h had let go of the rope, you started coming out of the fog or something like that. I feel like i have. We went from christmas 2015 until august 7 2016 without seeing each other and not much contact in between.  When he insisted on a face to face in augusthe told me he wasnt happy, didnt desire the ow and wanted to work on us. He also said that if he felt any tremors between us he would run.  We saw each other a few times during that month. He talked about him having a friendship with the ow. Claiming that we never had that in our marriage. I asked him what a fr I end was to him and he gave a vague answer. I told him that being friends in marriage is different rhan being just friends with someone. He said he wanted a best fr I end. When he went on fb and started to connect with old friends, every person he ralked about was his best friend. Exxept for me. He was obsessed with it. The last time i seen him on sept.5 he said i would have divorce papers in 2 weeks. Two hours later he said he didnt know what he wanted. I have heard it gets worse before it gets better and it has gotton worse. He has completely abandoned the kids in every way possible.  My daughter called him in november to tell him she was cutting herself and he didnt care. No empathy in his voice. He still has not called to check on her. I have once again have had no contact with in almost 5 months. What does all this mean?

[denjef31]

KB,

Rock bottom is a place no MLC wants to go. We have exhausted all possibilities at that point. We have used up everyone we possibly can and we have run as far as we can...this is the end of the road. Nowhere else to turn, no where else to hide. Thats when we see the situation for what it is. No more blaming someone else for our problems. We finally take a good long look in the mirror and see our true ugliness, the hurt and pain we have caused. It sickens most of us to the point of self hate. I felt I had no one I could turn to anymore, no one who would listen, and no one who truly understood me. Lightbulb went off that self pity would get me nowhere so I started to think about my life, my choices, what I wanted my life to look like in the future. I cried and cried until I couldnt cry anymore. This went on for sometime, then one day I forced myself to get up and I slowly started putting my life back together. Slowly started rebuilding friendships, family relationships, the kids, and finally I had to deal with H.

I was most afraid to rebuild with him because I hurt him the most. I didnt want to rebuild only to run again. Also afraid of his rejection, afraid he would be unwilling to forgive me. Coming to him (eventually)was the hardest thing because it forced me to be really naked emotionally and finally verbally admit my faults. I pretty much lost everything mentally and emotionally, but I was barely hanging on to physically.


Denjef31

[denjef31]

Bluerose,

I am sorry you and your kids are going thru this. From my perspective, your H is still running. He is afraid to let you go that is why he keeps checking on you, saying things to give you hope that he is done but he isnt. You are still dealing with a very confused man...that's the MLC. All of this is script. He do but he dont, he love you but not inlove with you, he wants a divorce but he doesnt do anything to really obtain one, he is a loving committed father and husband, yet he doesnt take any real interest in you or the kids. Script Script Script!!! He means those things at the time he says them but many things alter a MLC'er on their current course. OW pull is still too strong, he has not progressed far enough in the tunnel to resist it yet.

Best thing you can do and forgive me I hate regurgitating the dreaded words but it is DETACH! You can do nothing for him, he cant do anything for himself yet. Most of the work needed here are internally and he must do it. Step aside and focus on your kids as they need you more than he needs you. I had to do the same thing. Very painful to let go but when you finally arrive to the other side of this thing you will understand why. Some days he will sound clear headed and like the man you use to know. This can and will change quickly as he runs back into the darkness. I would stay away for now as your child cutting himself is a cry for help and unfortunately your H has his own cry for help and unable to be of help to anyone right now.

He is very much aware, but the true seriousness of what is going on has not sunk in yet. Remember that, you will hear him in awe of things later that he has done so please try to remember that.

[Never say never]

Denjef,

I know it's been said so many times, but you are such an inspiration to all of us here.  I know at least I hang on to every word you say with such hope that my husband will some day come out of his fog.  I guess we could all go on and on with our situation and ask for your advice, but since you are not a mind reader and you don't have a crystal ball, it sounds to me like you are saying that all we can really do is detach and hope that they will hit their rock bottom, wake up and come back to reality a better person.  Is that right?

I mean, I would love to tell you my story and wish you could give me the magic answer.  Yes, I had a fairytale marriage that I thought would only have the usual ups and downs that every marriage has.  In a million years. I would never have thought "we" would be "that" couple!  Well, here we are. 

I guess I'm rambling now.  It's been four years for me.  I never thought I'd last this long and here I am, still standing and it doesn't seem to be getting any better

Funny thing and then I'll stop rambling.  My H is in law enforcement.  He said something humorous the other day.  He said:  "I treat people how they treat me.  Treat me with respect, I will treat you back with respect."  I wanted to laugh out loud.  He is telling me that!!  I have learned.  I didn't even respond

[bluerose]

Thank you so much. I think i already knew what you were going to say before i read it. Thank you.

[Nas]

He is very much aware, but the true seriousness of what is going on has not sunk in yet.

You've said this before and I'm very glad you bring it up.
I think it's really important to remember that they are not completely insane and unaware of their behavior. 
To me, it seems more like a compulsion to continue and they just cannot stop themselves.

Some MLCers I've read about in recent threads seem to verbalize this.  One recent thread, someone said their MLC H said "Let me make this mistake."
To me that speaks volumes. 

My own H said before he moved away that he had to do it "if it puts me in the ground."
I don't think I ever will truly understand feeling that compelled to do something.  I imagine you can't fully understand it unless you experience it firsthand.

As for rock bottom, thank you so much for giving your view of it.
It is a concept that scares me because I have wondered if my H will ever hit it. 
I sometimes think if his new life is not amazing but also not terrible, but just kind of "okay," he will just continue on and on and never hit bottom. 
Yes, he will have the guilt of what he's done to me and how he's treated me, because he knows it's not right, but if nothing blows up his current life he could go on for the rest of his life just stuffing down his guilt and compartmentalizing. 

That is the reason I have moved away and am building my own new life.  I have to because the life we had together is completely gone.  H blew it to bits in order to create his own new life.  If he hits rock bottom and looks back, he will see just a pile of rubble where our life used to be.