[Thunder]

Oh my gosh, thank you, guys.  I am no better than anyone else on here but I appreciate your kind words.   

I think everyone contributes so much of themselves on here.  I love seeing newbies gain enough strength to start helping others.  That's what this site is all about. 

[terrified_in_TN]

Hate to pile on with the "me too" posts, but I'm gonna...

That is one thing I too have noticed about you Thunder-You are consistently friendly.  I for one appreciate that VERY much.

We are all different, and respond to things in different ways.  While honesty is the best policy, and avoiding conflict to maintain the peace is bad, I personally believe there is a fine line between "BRUTAL honesty" and being "rude".  Even after this nasty MLC business, I STILL haven't developed thick enough skin.  So be it.  Its who I am, and I'm quite proud of that.  While I appreciate honesty, it can be delivered without sugar-coating in a compassionate friendly manner.  <---That is YOU.  I avoid threads where the "tone" goes a little over the top.  Conflict avoidance?  No.  A choice.

-T

[Thunder]

Oh T, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Now enough about me.  We're all special.  right?   

I do agree, though.  I try to stay off negative threads.  Fortunately, we don't have many. 

[devoted]

Denjef

I have been reading along since your last thread and I would also like to thank you.
I have days I doubt my xH MLC and then I read something you have written to someone else and it just gives me a little bit of hope which at 51/2 years since BD is fading fast.

I think one of the biggest things that keeps me believeing is exactly what you said that people divorce all the time but there x's communicate, co parent, make kids arrangements, take on their parental responsibilities.......my xH took me to court for contact every other weekend.....it doesn't happen. If I ever see him which is rarely he scurries off like a naughty child and can't even look at me. xH has often said he thinks about us every day and cries all the time......not sure about that now he has OW.

My xH initiated D 6 months after BD but did nothing until I forced the issue at 4 years because he lost his job and threatened to stop paying the mortgage and I needed to protect myself financially . I truly believe we would still be married otherwise.

You said MLCers need to lose and destroy everything before rebuilding/starting over. My SIL said last week she doesn't believe my xH has felt that "total loss" yet as he knows I'm still here waiting when it all goes wrong for him. I'm not sure how to detach more than I am. I bring up our children alone, work full time, own my own home, have my own business, went on holiday in October without the children, go out socialising occasionally......not sure what else I can do.

[Anjae]

Denj, HS is a site/board for MLC and people dealing with a spouse in MLC. It is normal and logic that most threads are about MLC.

Velika, I don't know exactly where in my threads there is neuroscience. They tend to be a mix of my story, physics, astrobiology, fillm, classics, poetry, neuroscience/neurobiology and meditation.

If you want you can give these a read:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3042.0 - On the Road to Ithaka I meet a NeuroQuantum Scientist

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3258.0 - From Europa to Titan, I'll go to the Movie Theater

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3339.0 - Technicolor and Sound are Wonder, Silent and Black & White Detail 

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3476.0 - Pulp Fiction From Dusk Till Dawn or Reality is Stranger Than Fiction

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3616.0 - To the Wonder, Side Effects Behind the Candelabra

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3850.0 - Only God Forgives? Soul Searching in a Time-Space Continuous

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4567.0 - A Time to Live and Grow on My Way to Paradise

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5332.0 - Gliding Towards the Future, More Neuroscience and Some Laughs

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5756.0 - Towards the Launching Pad 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1,0… Lifted

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6640.0 - Happiness is Good for Your Neurons and Puts a Smile on Your Face

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8002.0 - Still Meditating and Swimming in Neuroscience

[Ready2Transform]

I think we were posting a lot more of the neuro and disorder-oriented things in our threads circa late 2012-2014, prior to having dedicated threads for it. It was easier to not get the opposition that way, honestly. We're outliers amongst outliers! And I am not complaining, because I know the urge I have now sometimes to quell someone's fears that there spouse is having more than an MLC. Given that we are "diagnosing" only through the anecdotal evidence of the observer, not the observed, I know it's always debatable (even when that debate gets us nowhere). I don't like saying MLC absolutely can't be treated, because that's not always true; take Smitty's H, for instance, who responded positively to testosterone treatment. Or barbiedoll's husband who is uncovering his shadow self in talk therapy. Or those of them that DO respond well to anti-depressants. Mine tried them and it made him manic, lending credence to his original bipolar diagnosis, but that still is something I can't say with 100% certainty is the case. It helps me to understand these things and I continue to be fascinated by it, but I do finally accept that none of my learning can cure my spouse. But the learning still has value for my healing.

[Thunder]

Ready,

I believe my H could have been helped with testosterone treatments because I think his crisis was more hormonal than anything.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Chiming in here.

A little off topic, I agree with TNT here about Thunder, you do have a way of soothing conflicts on these threads. Thanks for being the one that brings all back to seeing we're all in the same boat. The fact that you are the one that reminds us that we need to sometimes take a step back makes you a true gem on this forum. Thank you for being the loving, nurturer. 

[Keep believing]

Den,  i hope you can answer this , or maybe it is scprit too,
Question 1) Sometimes when i talk to h he will ask me , do you expect me to just come home and be like hi honey im home.   Sometimes i have said yes and sometimes i have said no.  If i say no he is quiet , if i say yes he laughs and says im crazy. Any insight to this? Question 2)  Is there ever a time if your h gave you an ultimatum how you would have responded?
Question3)Also ,i think  you said something about if your h would call you ,that you were happy to hear  from him. Well if you liked talking to him ,how come you wouldnt call him?
 And sorry but i have asked this a couple times , maybe you answered it and i missed it.    But what is your opinion about the om now? Do you even like him? Did you go through the withdrawal of him ?    Thank you so much for your time

[denjef31]

KB,

Your H said that or shall I say asked you that question because he see the marriage as having serious problems that will not be resolved over night if ever in his mind. He believes that coming home is just the tip of the iceberg and it doesn't address anything. He believes whatever issues you have is the reason he left and not the OW. He may have some validity to that and maybe he doesn't, problem is he believes he does.

What other issues besides his career does he have a problem with that you are aware of? What have you done to resolve those?  My H sort of did give me ultimatums but I never cared or worried about them as I knew deep down he was not strong enough to stick to it. He would say things like "we either going to work on this marriage or I am done." and he would also say things like "If I don't want him let him go so he can move on." I never would respond because I didn't want to give him any hope but I also knew I wasn't going to let him go either. I kept stringing him along until he got off the rollercoaster ride I was giving him.

I see OM occasionally but I had to change my number recently, as he would still call or text from time to time trying to reminisce or perhaps trying to see if he had any chance with me. I like OM as a person, but as mate? No. At the time I was dealing with my depression I adored the OM, I thought he was the missing link! He could give me everything I was missing in my life. Yes I did go through withdrawals. I ended it and still went through withdrawals. I had some real feelings for him but they were not love so I was sad about breaking it off. I actually broke it off with him last July or August 2015. I was finally okay and not sad about it anymore probably in November.

I didn't call my H because I knew what he wanted and I was not ready to give him what he wanted if ever at that point. I felt guilt talking to him, I could hear he was sad, I knew he felt lonely, and hoping for something anything to hold on to. I didn't want to lead him on, but I wanted him to wait. So basically I didn't want to imply he should wait, or ask him to wait I wanted him to wait on his own. Just a very selfish time. I was pushing him away but secretly hoping he would stay put.

Denjef31