[Ready2Transform]

I thought that the context in which it was written was clear. Apparently not in the title, but definitely in the first post. This should clarify it.

My bad! I will admit that I jumped in partway. Will go back and catch up.

[in it]

Makes sense it was Dim and Dark...

[Absolutely Fabulous]

I thought D&D mean divorced and done too..

MoreWillBeRevealed:

Nice post. I feel the same way throughout most of the relationship. A man will not ever abuse me on any level again. Actually I allow no one to.

I have been way to tolerant with quite a few of my same gender friendships too. I make excuses for them and let things slide.They get out of balance and one sided. I get hurt by these friends being pretty harsh.

Then they try to dismiss it or blow it off. I don't want that in my life.

I actually had a friend of mine try to manage me down a few ways and one of them was by saying " When you get hurt you tend to shut down"

Well who wouldn't ..what are you supposed to do open yourself up to more abuse? I've been NC with her for a few months.

You sound good these days In it. RTR don't sweat it, we've all been guilty of jumping ahead to the good stuff. 

[in it]

You too My3..I still have those days..it just isn't all day for day after day like it used to be. I try to figure out " Has it really been a bad day? Or was it one negative encounter ( that was for a few minutes) I was stuck in all day". Most of the time when I'm tired things feel worse.

I had a coworker ( male) trying to play games with me at work. Acted like he was "in control" (or tried to see if he could be)  of what I was doing etc.

 He was being vague about where he was in the building and we were on walkie talkies. Its a big place,

When I used the walkie to find out his location he told me he was in one place so I went there.. he wasn't there

Then the games started. He started talking in riddles and being vague. Maybe he thought he was being cute..I haven't a clue.

And I disengaged by telling him flat out "I'm not playing games with you!" And didn't talk to him for the rest of the day.

A few days later he asked me about it and I told him flat out:

 " I don't play games.  I only have so much energy in a day and I am not walking all over this f#cking store trying to find you!"

He apologized.

[Velika]

OM, I would do what you believe is truly best for the kids. If he has been uninvolved and this is documented, it may be in your best interest to reach an agreement that reflects this choice.

I just want to add, I really agree with whoever said to keep a gentle and respectful tone on the forum. It's good for everyone! 💛

[stillbaffled]

I believe 'no contact' is very misunderstood.  IF you are not standing, fine, go no contact but if standing, then I would be very careful.  Without communication any chance at reconciliation OR some kind of normal relationship would be impossible.

I bolded the above part from your post, Calamity.  I do not believe this to be true.  I was BDed on January 1st.  He got his divorce finalized on July 26th.  There has been virtually no contact at all. 

At this point I am standing.  I do not send unwanted birthday greetings to him.  I won't be wishing him Merry Christmas.  He obviously doesn't want contact from me.  I am busy trying to live a different life. 

I do think that it is entirely possible that we could experience some kind of normal relationship in the future (and it may be years in the future) even though there is no communication. 

Just stating my personal thoughts and beliefs.  I sure hope I don't get bashed and roasted.   

[Kat0465]

For me hope does =expectations. And that was keeping me stuck. And allowing me to let H disrespect me. He had Even brought OW to my town, to a festival he know me and the kids were at... Talk about a smack in the face! And I still responded to his texts like nothing ever happened.... Well, I realized how much disrespect he was still dishing out!! So yes, I have went NC 😲 even my daughter said "mom, how can you allow him to even talk to you?  You are so much better than that"  I realized I was sending her a message. And I didn't like that message!! I also realized I must not think enough of myself to let this happen yet again with him.  3 years of narcissistic, infidelity, withholding affection. Before  BD!  I love my husband..... But this guy walking around in his much abused body... I don't know that person... BUT I am getting to know me. And I think she deserves better... Just sayin.  Thanks again for this discussion. Much needed

[in it]

Not from me Stillbaffled I believe the same thing..not in my case of course. Any future relationship is out of the question.

IHMO staying in contact after a devastating blow like this pretty much says " Hey I'm ok with what you did or are doing" and leaves you open to manipulation and abuse and is not a connection.

There's no real communication with them anyway with the state they are in.

And once you realize you deserve better that when things start to change.

[Velika]

Kat and In It, I really love these posts.

If MLCer wants LBS back, let them prove themselves. If not what have we really lost? An abusing and unfaithful partner is not worth having.

[hard work]

One thing that there is certainly no shortage of in this world is people. So what is it that makes us put up with abuse from an MLC’er? Sure there may have been many happy years together in the past. But that is just it, the past. If a friend or acquaintance unleashed the sort of abuse that some people have received from their MLC’er there is no way that person would remain a friend.
So for me it all comes down to what you choose. Why would I choose to have someone who has broken trust and is abusive towards me in my life? At times there is a tendency to make excuses for the MLC’er. Yet I certainly am not willing to make excuses for my X. My choice has been to move out of the toxic environment that this fiasco produced and be with people who actually want to be around me. As I said before there are billions of people in this world so why look towards the person who has done more damage to you than everyone else put together?
While NC started as a conscious effort, now it’s a case of disinterest in that person. What they are doing or with whom is no longer a concern. The attraction is gone and the empty space that was there after BD has been filled with positive experiences and people.