[OffRoad]

I am dark, with the occasional dim (birthday acknowledgement ). I work, hang with my friends and my kids, do what I want, when I want and don't concern myself much with my MLCer. I'm happier that way. Any contact with him bothers me, so I just don't.  He needs to feel the loss of me. If it's no biggie for him, I'll be in a fine place to move on. D20 is coming in and we're heading for Harry Potter World. I drive off road. I geocache, go to concerts and sleep till noon on weekends. I color with like minded individuals.  I'm standing until. I still don't know until what. But I am not standing stll.

[Medusa]

Divorced a whole week bit no longer standing and very dark. There is no reason to be NC because while X can still annoy me, he doesn't devastate me.

My life is mine and has been for quite awhile. X tookthe chancw of allowing me to "get used to the idea of divorce". I did more than get used to the idea: I embraced and owned it, I worked through the pain and anger. I've forgiven.

I am at the point where I have no expectations about anything. If he comes thriohgh and wants to show remorse, I will probably listen, but I will be okay if he doesn't. I've complet lay let go and am mostly indifferent. What happens to X is his doing. I know what he gave up. So do my kids. That's really all that matters to me.

[Velika]

M3G, I know. I am feeling especially tender toward one newbie right now and just hope that no one would ever feel badly for asking "why" as many times as they needed to here on this forum. Better than asking the source of the problem, as well all know too well.

I am huge advocate of no contact immediately in any case where there is emotional abuse. I deeply regret not going no contact immediately. As I have written many times I believe these extreme cases involve mental illness and/or severe personality disorder, and this is also a reason to contact the MLC spouse'a doctor and enlist the help of professionals like a good lawyer, therapist, and psychiatrist to help come up with a plan for communication/insulation right away!

M3G we have similar harassment type MLCer. I think of what you wrote at least once a week, how your ex is using you to stay sane. It is very hard to be the recipient of this type of demented fixation, because as you write this person will not let up even when we refuse to engage.

[Tyks]

I have been nc for just a week at this point but so far I love it. I find if there is contact it leaves me with hope and expectations. Besides I'm tired of hearing all the derogatory comments that come out of his mouth and I'm tired of him treating me like a long list friend. Nc is working for me at this point so I'll keep it going. As someone else said here, he needs to feel the loss of me as well. Maybe if they feel the loss it'll make them wake up. Maybe not, probably not. Whatever. I like my sanity and less cycling

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Great responses.

Medusa, so glad it's finally over for you. I really thought that you would've been divorced before me, but I know all that he's put you through.

Velika, I figured you knew a newbie that you wanted to help. It's understandable. That's why the disclaimer: I don't want anyone to feel like they're being picked on. Especially newbies, it's a vulnerable time for them. You and I both had, as I do believe Medusa once said on one of my earlier threads, "the jerk of the year". Or something along those lines. Mine was really trying for special a$shole of the year honors.

Caliguy, congrats on taking your life back. You just get tired of the antics, games, and control tactics. It just gets old. I don't know where they get the energy to keep going. Standing just gets to be a chore after too long for some of us. My kids don't want us to get back together. They don't trust him either.

Offroad, Rebecca D&D and NC is so much easier when you make up your mind. Isn't it great how little power they have over us now. They become almost an after thought.

[in it]

I'm D&D and total NC due to DV ( three years ago and 6 months ago) that sent me to the hospital for x-rays.

 I have a decent job which I commute too (I have held for two years)  and a good car and a home.

My days are spent with family or friends or in a peaceful household of just me and my cat. I have healed from the trauma and triggers. I laugh and feel content and happy. I do not take any $h!te from anybody in RL. I have worked through a lot of the anger and have my self esteem and a lot of my confidence back.

I sleep and take magnesium and B12. I haven't quite gotten into getting "involved again. I still have a few trust issues.

I too regret I didn't go NC right off the bat. A lot less damage would have been done to me. From 2010-2013 what was going on was abuse.The relationship had been toxic and abusive from almost the beginning. After I left  I was being harassed by phone email and at my place of employment.

Monstered at ( this went on for a lot of the relationship) so again another abnormal "normal" for me. WAY too much contact. I was rigid with fear most of the time and cried almost constantly.  I had no one to point that out to me. Some said he wasn't "done" with me. What I didn't know was I could be done with him. He tried to make my life as miserable as possible. Said horrible things just so he could listen to me cry.

I could have used a lot more NC 2x4's in 2010 when I first started posting...

Going back to the toxic relationship post D for a year and eight months damn near took my sanity (and my life if my head had hit the pavement harder)..He accused me of being crazy..I wasn't crazy I was being abused. He told my children I was going to commit suicide. Called the troopers on me to take me to be evaluated. I was released. He also provoked and recorded me. Took my oldest D to try to get an order of protection against me..(I was trying to leave). He took my car and my bank card and stranded me. This only a small part of the story. The game playing and lies and drama were going to continue until I ended it.

I wasn't dealing with an MLCer as I thought I was. I was dealing with an NPD as my mother had one.  LBSer's need to put themselves and their physical, mental emotional and spiritual safety first. Do not underestimate the un-predictably of an MLCer or an underlying  personality disorder.

With NC you protect you from anymore damage.

[MoreWillBeRevealed]

I am done but not divorced yet. We have legal separation filed with court and I filed for the divorce part of it nearly 2 weeks ago. I went NC at about 2 months post-BD except dealing with finances and S5 and visitation. It has been amazing! No longer do I deal with his robot speeches or monster because I don't say anything or ask anything outside of these parameters. Everything is a business transaction. I've been strong in my stance when it comes to my convictions. I don't waiver. He knows he cannot mess with me. I am compassionate, though, at times. I do pray for him. I also allowed for him to stall spousal support as he's broke, but will get a big chunk when his father's land is sold in winter/spring. I haven't been a complete b!tc#.

My3girls: I agreed to not move out of state without going to court but had no plans anyway. If you don't have a legal document stating you can't move, then you can move to wherever the heck you want unless he takes you to court. But, since he moved out of state, abandoning you and shacking up with OW, doesn't look good in a judge's eyes. Keep NC and continue being the empowered, amazing, strong goddess this MLC blessed you to be!

I have dated on and off, mostly lunch dates, but a few graduated to a few dates and intimacy. A platonic male friend turned into something more this week but now he's all messed up over it, mostly because he can't let go of a girlfriend he broke up with 18 months ago. You'd think I'D be the one with emotional issues after sex! Not so. Amazing how much clarity I have. I know what I want and won't settle. I certainly am not going to put up with a cry baby over an ex. Ugh. I don't want a serious relationship which is why I thought platonic guy would work out because he's stuck on ex. I know, sounds kooky but I actually WANT a guy who isn't ready to marry me tomorrow and any guarantee is appealing. My take on my freedom is I'm an adult. I am honest with dates. Some won't settle for less than a full-blown relationship and that's ok. We say our good-byes. I don't lead anyone on. I am an empowered, intelligent, beautiful, funny woman whose self-esteem and sparkling personality were destroyed the last 2 years by my H's MLC. Now that I'm way far into my recovery (18 months of MLC plus 5 months post-BD), I will not settle and also won't sit around crying over H. And, though many don't think this is a long enough time to start dating or be done, trust me. I was fantasizing about leaving HIM months prior to BD. I think in many ways he knew and beat me to the punch. I felt so stuck and miserable.  Never again!

[Absolutely Fabulous]

More, I love your spark!

I haven't dated, or seen anyone. I'm not against it, just not in the financial position I want to be in be able to focus on anyone but the kids. Looking forward to it. There is a guy that I'm interested in, that seems to be interested in me. So, who knows. I just want to be able to have something more to offer at this point.

Besides launching a business and trying to get website going are my main priority for now. Not to mention another new business venture that I'm really happy with. I'm loving my newfound freedom. I leave him to his antics, it's just the way it is. He'll be crazy until he's not anymore as Rugged Endurance says. I'm good with that. So long as he stays in his little world. I guess Lala land isn't all it's cracked up to be.

[MoreWillBeRevealed]

My3girls,

You certainly must have your hands full. I see how dating is a challenge. I've been lucky to find a few guys who either travel for work or work from home. I consult and write from home so it's great to be able to go on lunch dates and hang out after when S5 is in school and after school. I had to get creative because H only takes S5 about 10% of the time and I'm not gonna stick my son with a babysitter every night. So, this is what is working for me. Not sure how I keep finding these particular men but I guess if they are self-employed or work from home we have the same drive and other stuff in common. It was too much work to try to schedule dates with guys who worked 9 to 5.

I really feel for you and your dilemma of your H moving closer to you. I broke the NC rule today to inform H our good friend's fiancee died of an overdose and wake is tonight. He said he was glad I thought of him. Got me all pissy. NO I am NOT thinking of you so don't flatter yourself. You NEEDED to know this information and since you don't talk to any of our friends due to your shame and guilt I was the only person to reach you. Ugh.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

My3girls,

You certainly must have your hands full. I see how dating is a challenge. I've been lucky to find a few guys who either travel for work or work from home. I consult and write from home so it's great to be able to go on lunch dates and hang out after when S5 is in school and after school. I had to get creative because H only takes S5 about 10% of the time and I'm not gonna stick my son with a babysitter every night. So, this is what is working for me. Not sure how I keep finding these particular men but I guess if they are self-employed or work from home we have the same drive and other stuff in common. It was too much work to try to schedule dates with guys who worked 9 to 5.

I really feel for you and your dilemma of your H moving closer to you. I broke the NC rule today to inform H our good friend's fiancee died of an overdose and wake is tonight. He said he was glad I thought of him. Got me all pissy. NO I am NOT thinking of you so don't flatter yourself. You NEEDED to know this information and since you don't talk to any of our friends due to your shame and guilt I was the only person to reach you. Ugh.

PM me, we should talk. 

Glad you're meeting men that seem to understand where you're coming from. The guy I've met has a business as well: investor and works another job. He's a great guy, could really be something, if we both decide to go that route. Just too busy at the moment to really give it a go.

They seem to think that everything is about them. That's the biggest reason I went NC, got tired of that massive EGO and all that pride. Self-centered, self-absorbed and selfish. Who has time for them while raising my kids? I will be working from home for the most part, so I really can appreciate what you do. I'm going to be monetizing my blog soon, and starting another one for the business that I'm launching.

Have to get my kids to do the same. They'll be blogging, have a website, and getting on Youtube. Thank God we homeschool. MD is graduating a year early at 17 yrs this year, and YD 12yr is on track to graduate early as well. Life has been really crazy. I have no clue with OD 21 yrs is going to do. She's a professional make up artist. A pretty good one. Just wish she could get her life together.

Will be volunteering as well. Got to keep it moving. All the things I wanted to do while I was married that caused too much friction and chaos for me to handle. I just hope that he's just blowing smoke, if you know what I mean. I have a suspicion that since he hasn't said anything since that day, he may have been "fishing" to see what I would say or do. He no longer has the ability to bait me. Sorry, that ship has also sailed.

Funny, I just don't seem to be worried about it. In the past, I would've had a cow. Now, nothing. I really do believe: Not my circus, not my monkeys.