[Absolutely Fabulous]

Besides your line of reasoning ( and stance ) is based on your own personal decision to not go NC. We can decide for ourselves what we are going to do, we ( those that have made this decision ) really don't need others to remind us of their personal decisions not to NC, there are enough threads for that stance already. That debate is tired and old, and enough threads have been hijacked with this issue.

Me?  I have no contact with my x.  We had lots of contact at first then after a year, I began to avoid him and from there we gradually ceased contact.  I was not detached enough to handle seeing him or talking to him;  it took me a week to recover each time so...  In retrospect this might have been a mistake because he was definitely a clinger.

I think the terms 'dim', 'dark', 'no contact' and 'paving the way' are getting confused; I posted the links for clarification.

BTW, we always recommend that the lbs protects his/herself financially.  No matter what.

Now, I'm lost. What was your original point? We are discussing what happened if you're in the process of, or already divorced and either D&D or NC. How things have been going since, and how things are going for LBSers now.

I really don't understand what you are trying to convey here. Are you telling us about how things are since, or am I missing something? That was the original reasoning behind this thread. The hope that we could talk about our new lives to encourage and give hope to one another. Can you please clarify if that's why you are posting, just make sure we're on the same page. If not, that's up to you, but this is supposed to be a clearing of the head type of thread, with the focus on the LBSer not the MLCEr.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Velika, as usual, you have delivered a well thought out post. I, too, had way too much interaction for 16 months. How many times did I have to beat my head against a brick wall ? I have a low energy wallower that is full on monster thoughout the mlc. I admit, a lot of the monster was from my doing. It has been really quiet for the both of us for 2 months now with NC.

I am NC , like I said, but I also realize that I am going to have to be receptive at some point but I will not accept her current behavior. I read RCR all the time. There is nothing wrong with learning. In my situation this whole MLC has read like a textbook. It's been pretty point on.

At this moment, NC is needed for me. Without it I would not be able to run a house nor take care of my 2 kids. The mlc er has the house and the kids in my situation. That's my doing. I am at my best mentally at this moment.

I believe that I am paving the way, even in NC. I haven't turned away from her or my kids. I just recognize, for everyones sake, especially my boys, that mom and dad just cannot be around each other at this moment.

It's sounds crazy, but I do want a future with this woman. However, I can't allow her to keep knocking the crap out of me. There is a fine line between both philosophies. It simply does not have to be one or the other in all cases. It's all about survival, plain and simple. I choose to survive and am very appreciate to all the help that I can get from all sides.

THANKS

This post makes sense. It's a situational deal. This is a great example of how you are handling it. Thanks Watcher for getting us back on topic.

[calamity]

Do you mean that all of you on this thread are not standers?  And, I have no opinion on whether or not a person is a stander.

My point is, be clear about what 'no contact' means IF you are standing.  If not it doesn't matter if there's contact or not.

[Dji76]

"How is rebuilding your life coming along? How are you feeling these days? Are you considering dating or have you decided to be single for a while? Are you still hoping to reconcile? Have your kids started to get to a place where they are feeling more confident and healthier? Where are you at this point of your journey?"

Nice thread idea and I agree that the "get over it" and hold everyone accountable voice isnt always embraced here. Admittedly I have not read all the responses yet but wanted to add my experience.

I am not a stander and I have limited contact with my xw. With distance (2.5yrs since bd, divorced 16 months) I see things differently. I (most of us) was ghosted out of an 18 year relationship. I am not NC because we have young kids but after a while of constant conversation with her I have realized she is generally a miserable human being and have no room in my life for someone like that. I still have compassion for her and care about her as a human being but that is all. I understand why she is miserable but will not tolerate it. I put up with to much in my marriage to continue to subject myself to it in divorce. I will say this about mlc... When someone changes their values they change who they are. An affair is a drastic shift against most people values and regardless of "why", most of them did it.

I am in full rebuild mode but before I could start rebuilding my life I had to rebuild myself. That took a lot of time and effort. I never think about getting back together, I dont want that anymore. I am dating someone now and it has been a great opportunity for me to learn about myself in a relationship and make some necessary adjustments. Only a few months in but so far she has exceed my expectations in every way simply by being emotionally mature, thoughtful and reliable. I stay in the present and enjoy the moment. If I do the right things today, tomorrow will take care of itself. This applies to kids, work, relationship, fitness etc. My kids healing has mirrored my own. Im glad I was a stander but think long term limbo is harmful, especially to younger kids. They need us to lead by example that it is safe to move on.

I have learned so much that I can finally say I am greatful this happened. In hindsight my xw has never been a happy person. She has always carried anger and been pessimistic, just the opposite of me. We were a perfect match for all the wrong reasons. I absolutely paired with someone that would force me to face and resolve my childhood issues! I am so much happier today than I have ever been in my adult life. I learned to love and trust myself which makes loving and trusting others easier and more enjoyable. I also see in hindsight all the ways I failed in my marriage and what I could have done better... I try to own it all and learn from it to become a better man.

[Slow Fade]

We are discussing what happened if you're in the process of, or already divorced and either D&D or NC. How things have been going since, and how things are going for LBSers now.

Now I'm confused, you posted this My3girls and yet you agree with Watcher who is standing AND paving the way and using no contact as a way to take care of himself. I don't believe he is divorced........

[Absolutely Fabulous]

We are discussing what happened if you're in the process of, or already divorced and either D&D or NC. How things have been going since, and how things are going for LBSers now.

Now I'm confused, you posted this My3girls and yet you agree with Watcher who is standing AND paving the way and using no contact as a way to take care of himself. I don't believe he is divorced........

This is not a standing only post. This is for anyone that is in D&D and NC. Period. The confusion started when the post about NC article was posted. It's not about NC itself, it's about those who are in either D&D and NC that are living their lives in accordance with it. That NC article post became a distraction from the initial post with the disclaimer.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

DJ, I love to read your posts. I'm glad that you've taken the time to chime in.

We might have been married to polar opposites. Mine was always ready for the other shoe to drop. Anger was his first reaction to everything. I've been doing a lot on my own. I'm a positive upbeat person for the most part, and I really am enjoying the change in my inner circle. More positive things have been happening because of it.

I personally am not really interested in dating per se, but I do miss having someone in my life. I just don't have the time or the energy to put into a new person at the moment. I don't feel that I'm ready to be in a relationship while I'm still raising my kids and running businesses. That may change if the right man comes along.

I agree that self reflection is the key. I don't feel the need to focus on him and what he's doing. To tell you the truth he wasn't on my radar until he told the kids that he's planning on moving back to the state. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I really believe that this time has been good for me and my girls as well. I hope that OD gets her act together, he really had her going for a while with the lies and manipulations. I think that that's calmed down. For now.

Glad to know that things are working out for you for the most part. Please keep contributing to this thread, love hearing what you have to say.

 

[Onward]

I am dim/dark, paving the way, and standing, (though I have to say I'm not a big fan of labels because I think they encourage people to focus on differences rather than commonalities).

I am not dating and not interested. For me, I will live as a married person until I am no longer married. Tho he separated 2.5 years ago, I'm still legally married, so.....

I am moving forward with my life without rancour toward H, who was very much in Monster mode at BD. I have been emotionally abused for certain - I believe sudden, involuntary and arbitrary jettisoning of a spouse, family and friends is abusive.

DD is 'working' for me in that it helps me in two ways:
1) letting go of my sense of hurt from H's actions so that true forgiveness is possible and I can feel at peace, and
2) allowing me to work on my own 'stuff' absent the negative emotional fuel that comes from contact that has covert expectations attached.

I also find standing apart from the emotion of contact is helping me become strong enough, physically, spiritually and emotionally in order to rebuild a trusting relationship, should the opportunity to reconcile present itself.

What has happened is that I have become stronger, and more serene. Our contact now is much less, which I am learning not to worry about. Learning not to worry has been a big lesson in the 'becoming stronger' deppartment.

I will probably send him Christmas greetings, though, because this is a season that to me is very much about peace and reconciliation in a global sense. And I do wish for there to be peace between us.

I have never gone NC - not in the definition of NC whereby even if he contacts me I will not respond. In my opinion, I think the term NC is often used on this board when the behavioural application is actually Dim / Dark. And I think that was the point Calamity was trying to make. Tho I understand I 'receive' the messages of others' posts through my own perceptual filters, just like everyone else.

I'm not quite sure I understand what was meant  by a 'mature' LBS, so I'll leave that to hardwork  to clarify from his perspective.

To me, a mature LBS is someone who has worked through the initial emotional trauma of BD; who has determined what the right path is for them without comparing or discrediting the path of another; and who has a level of compassion for all LBSs despite the stage or direction of their journey.

In the context of HS, I would define an a mature LBS as someone who can discuss and clarify and disagree with others without being disagreeable.
 

[Slow Fade]

We are discussing what happened if you're in the process of, or already divorced and either D&D or NC. How things have been going since, and how things are going for LBSers now.

Now I'm confused, you posted this My3girls and yet you agree with Watcher who is standing AND paving the way and using no contact as a way to take care of himself. I don't believe he is divorced........

This is not a standing only post. This is for anyone that is in D&D and NC. Period. The confusion started when the post about NC article was posted. It's not about NC itself, it's about those who are in either D&D and NC that are living their lives in accordance with it. That NC article post became a distraction from the initial post with the disclaimer.

  I understand that this is not a standing only post but I still have the same question. Since when did this go from a discussion of those who are dim and dark, no contact to a discussion about those who are divorced or in the process of a divorce? Are you narrowing down the focus even further? Your disclaimer says nothing about divorce or being in the process of divorce.....it only references those who are

committed to a D&D and NC stance for now

I don't think I mentioned anything about being a standers only discussion........just trying to get some clarification in case someone asks.......

[Absolutely Fabulous]

We are discussing what happened if you're in the process of, or already divorced and either D&D or NC. How things have been going since, and how things are going for LBSers now.

Now I'm confused, you posted this My3girls and yet you agree with Watcher who is standing AND paving the way and using no contact as a way to take care of himself. I don't believe he is divorced........

This is not a standing only post. This is for anyone that is in D&D and NC. Period. The confusion started when the post about NC article was posted. It's not about NC itself, it's about those who are in either D&D and NC that are living their lives in accordance with it. That NC article post became a distraction from the initial post with the disclaimer.

  I understand that this is not a standing only post but I still have the same question. Since when did this go from a discussion of those who are dim and dark, no contact to a discussion about those who are divorced or in the process of a divorce? Are you narrowing down the focus even further? Your disclaimer says nothing about divorce or being in the process of divorce.....it only references those who are

committed to a D&D and NC stance for now

I don't think I mentioned anything about being a standers only discussion........just trying to get some clarification in case someone asks.......

This is a distraction, and has nothing to do with the what I originally posted. If you need more clarification, then why don't you  let some other people post for a while, and see what they say. It may just be you. Your perception is noted. Not my responsibility to repeat myself. I don't even do that with my kids. You either get it, or you don't. If you feel that's rude, than you'll have to live with it. It is what it is. My thread, I set the tone, you can chose to read and respond or not. Your choice. IF you take something the wrong way, that's truly on you.