[Roma]

Thanks Anjae and Calamity. I hadn't seen all the links on male/MLC depression, only a couple and none really had what my research showed. That and posting for newbies who have no idea what's going on w/ their MLCer.

I also want to point out something very important in the regards of the OP and just how irrelevant they are so we really shouldn't see their R as a threat to the M >   Uses alcohol, TV, sports and sex to self-medicate.The MLCer is using the OP to run away from healing their issues. as painful as it is to us the LBS, family and children.Be assured, it's really nothing.

As devastating as all this is, also realize the OP just plays a minor role in the MLCer's path. Please don't see what they have as something real, because it's not.

Try to show compassion for your MLCer's journey, regardless of how they might behave. Let them live their life.

Detach (separate your MLCers present behavior to the core person you love) and go out and live the best life you can like they aren't coming back, mentally or physically because they may never 1) recover or  2) may never come back out of guilt.

Be the attractive force. I know my H mirrors me, even picks up on my flaws  . Let yours mirror you in all your new found positivity. Trust me your MLCer is watching 

Hang in there, things do get better.

[strength]

Good advice Elegance.  Thank you.  My H always tells me how in love and happy his life is.  Now I am hearing H is miserable and unhappy, but happy with OW.  I try to make sense of it all.  Very hard to do.  I am getting some good advice from this thread.  Thank you.

[calamity]

This is a good resource and does describe 'covert' depression [that's when the depression is masked by drugs, work, sex, etc].

Terrence Real, I Don't Want to Talk About It, Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

[strength]

I don't need to detach any more .  H signed D papers today. 

[calamity]

Strength,

Yes it will help you detach but detaching is more than that.  Detaching is [partly]  understanding that his crisis has nothing to do with you.  It's 'rising above' his drama.  It is looking at him with your thinking, rational brain, not your emotional brain.

Learning about depression will explain his behaviour but it will also teach you the warning signs so that you don't fall into that pit.  [Of course you are depressed at the moment but that is a situational depression].

Grieve your marriage then go back and read the articles.  Knowledge is power.

I'm sorry it has come to this.   Mlc trumps marriage, kids, family and divorce.  Some of them have to blow up everything...

[Ready2Transform]

Agree with Calamity on all counts. Focus on you and healing for now, but you will be grateful for these things later when you want to provide closure for yourself on why this happened. It really is the closest any of us can come to explaining it.

[strength]

I have to work on the healing process now.  I have had all I can take.  No-one deserves the abuse and the BS they throw at us.  H thinks the OW is the best thing ever.  Good!!!  Have her, good luck!!  OW is a gold digger, and a home wrecking ow.  I want no part of it any more. Those are not my beliefs and the way I live my life.  I don't know how H's go to bed at night and sleep, knowing the destruction and pain they have caused their family.

I don't need a H who tells OW how horrible the 36 year M was.  I have to live with myself.  Too much dignity and self respect.  Hopefully, all of the MLC'ers will wake up sooner than later, because they will all end up with nothing and nobody.  Such a lonely life. 

[No expectations]

Thank you for all the information and this thread.  I needed to read this today.  I know H's path is so tough but sometimes I forget, when I am feeling particularly lonely.  I have to remember he is suffering and not just out living it up

[hawk]

Strange but l've seen a lot of that in my w since after we split and she moved out.

l still see a lot of it now , 4yrs. lt makes me sad to see. All this, everything,  yet she still seems so everywhere and trapped now in this new life she wanted.

[devoted]

Calamity is right D will help you detach strength......personally it helped me and my D being finalised was no where near as bad as I had built it up to be in my mind but my xH has been in MLC for 51/2 years and we have been D 11/2 years.....I am still not completely detached. I had hoped it would be the end for me but it wasn't I guess no matter what we think we don't know the reality of it until we get there.