Author Topic: My Story Still learning  (Read 8352 times)

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Still learning
« on: February 27, 2011, 10:49:14 AM »
H moved out 6 wks ago after the ILYBINILWY speech/"I need space" just before Thanksgiving.  I have since figured out my part in this and have relayed this to H.  My problem is I think there is more than 1 OW.  From what I can tell, he's playing the field and not commiting to any one person.  Lots of cake from different bakeries!   Of course, he's telling me he's not seeing any one else and hasn't slept with anyone.  I know that he has an EA with 2 women who are both wives of his so-called friends and not happy in their marriages also.  I have seen an A and we have our own financial agreement right now which he is living up to and I am in charge of the money.  Saying that, he is going through his like crazy.  He chose to move out.  It was our 24th wedding anniversary about a week ago and we went out to dinner at his suggestion.  Now wait for this, he says"any woman I end up with will have to understand I have a commitment to you."  The man has lost his mind.

Its been a wacky ride so far and I'm still in the dim phase as far as detachment.  This website has been a godsend and I'm glad there's another option as I truly believe in "better or worse."  Many thanks.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline bandedalliecat

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2011, 10:57:48 AM »
So...how are you handling things?

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2011, 11:11:03 AM »
I was in pieces to start with and did ALL the wrongs things.  Now, it is a bit better though still crying every few days.  I'm going back to work fulltime tomorrow.  The hours are bad as its 2nd shift (1-9:30 at night), so not much time for a social life and will have to stop going to divorcecare, which I had just started, but defintely feeling a bit more secure with having an income I can support myself with.  I'm still in the house with the animals - no kids.  He is retired navy and I have been on my own a lot through the years, but this is different.  I telecommute from home which doesn't help much with people contact either though I do get out with friends a couple of times a week and one gal comes over here to catch up on UK soap opera every week.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline in His hands

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2011, 12:17:24 PM »
Welcome mh!  I'm glad you found your way to this site.  There are a lot of caring people here that know exactly how you're feeling.  The best advice I can give you is to take care of yourself.  This is the journey that just keeps on taking, and you'll need your strength.  Come here and post whether you're having a good day, or a bad one.  Someone will help you through it.  This site will help you to remember that LOYALTY still exists.  My heart is with you!  God Bless!  iHh   

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2011, 01:56:06 PM »
Welcome to the forum that no one should have to join. As stated, you will find a large number of wonderful people a this site. Keep everything focused on you and remember your h has to go through this journey on his own. Right now he will say a lot and do a lot that seems to make no sense at all. That is why trying to rationalize with him or engage him in a meaningful conversation will be a waste of time.

This is a great place for you to discover a great person in your life-yourself. Make this about you and don't lose focus on the  journey you are about to take.  (((Hugs))) to you, keep reading and keep posting. One good thing to to is to post your ideas about what you plan to do before you act. You have time on your side and there is never any reason to rush into anything.
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2011, 02:34:29 PM »
Sorry you have to be here..it's all craziness isn't it..sometimes when I read here, I feel like it's the twilight zone or something.

But, I always learn and get validated and return to my saneness. Lots to understand...you'll hear this many times..it took me many tries to even start to get this right..detach..have no expectations ...live you life as though he's not coming back.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2011, 08:56:32 AM »
Had my first day at new job yesterday.  This is a job I am returning to since giving it up to have more time with H in July.  Luckily for me, I saw they were looking for someone a few weeks back and applied.  When I sat down at the computer, my mind just went to mush.  Anyhoo, once I got started it all came flooding back.

H and I did taxes yesterday.  He looks tired like he is just dragging himself around.  He bounced his first check last week and I just pretended I don't know about it.  He never was any good with money.  He is pursuing right now.  Has called me at least twice a day for the past 3 days.  I am getting better at not reacting to what is going on with his life (what I know of it).  Of course, I know if OW is a definite factor things will change again.

Thanks for the welcome.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2011, 02:45:42 PM »
I have a question.  When to challenge?  I'm p**** off right now as I just found out that he's talking to the EA/PA? quite often.  He's also calling me quite often and ending with "I love you."  I know this is out of my control, but he knows I have access to the cell phone calls online so knows that I know.   I know I can ignore this behavior if I want to, but when do you put your foot down to prevent being the doormat?  She is still living with her husband and kids, but its only a matter of time before all that implodes.  Or is it a case of when you're not sure what to do; do nothing. 

Obviously, people will say I'm not detaching but believe you me the fact that I haven't ripped his head off on the phone or through email is a step in the right direction as far as I'm concerned.  The rest is a work in progress.

Anyone else had a similar situation and challenged their spouse? >:(

M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2011, 03:27:27 PM »
Detaching is a process. You are going to have some good days and some bad. As the process continues, you will find that you can move on and have the strength to make yourself stronger. It takes time and as you focus back on you again and not your spouse, you will find that the good days are easier to have and expand as you start to move forward.

I wish I could tell you when to challenge. I have had a blow up with my w on Friday. But we cleared some issues that are hanging over our relationship so we can move forward.

It was a tough weekend, but here I am back on Sunday, typing, having cleaned the house, shopped and about to go for a jog. One thing you need to do is to make sure you have energy and rest. That is one major key to surviving this entire process.

(((Hugs))) and make the journey about you.
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #9 on: March 06, 2011, 03:49:20 PM »
I made H move the cell phone to his own account b/c it was sucking up a lot of my time looking at the records. Make a choice, either get his number out of your ability to see the calls or if you haven´t told him that you have access, I´d stay quiet about it. You can drive yourself nuts looking at the phone records. To my knowledge, my H does not have an ow. He was calling his parents multiple times a day for over a year and then calling lawyers and apts. to move out. Now that he is out, I have moved a few steps forward and don´t crave the phone info. Will it make you less crazy not to know?

Sorry that you are in this situation,
FTT
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #10 on: March 06, 2011, 04:04:48 PM »
Because of contract, we can't separate the phones right now.  We did have a blow up about this same OW about 3 weeks ago also.  I suggested that he take over responsibility to make sure the bill got paid (only has to do a couple of clicks, its all set up to come out of joint account), and change the password so I couldn't torture myself any longer.  He has not done that.  I guess its too much effort to have to be responsible for 1 bill.   I did try.  Its just hard with him being clingy toward me, but at the end of the day I guess his actions are speaking louder than his words and I need to let him get on with it.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2011, 05:16:15 PM »
FWIW- I moved the bill in mid contract- it was Verizon. They will do it if both parties agree.

Pullin´for you and your family,
FTT
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #12 on: March 08, 2011, 08:09:25 AM »
Well, I tried not to challenge but it was just not meant to be.  I called him, asked about EA, and got the "we're just friends" line and spewing about me looking at his phone records.  Then at the end of the call he wants to come over and see the dogs like he had planned to!  So he comes over and I lay down the law that he can't have his cake and eat it, and can't come over to the house, tell me he loves me, and then leave me dangling until the next time he needs his "fix."  I also reiterated that there is no room for a lady friend in a marriage and he is still indeed married.  He stayed about an hour and left saying "I'll call you tomorrow."  Of course he doesn't call and I don't call so we have our first day of NC.

I'm not sure, but I think I had some sort of an epiphany yesterday in that I was so mad I didn't want to see him which would be a first for me.  Make no mistake, yesterday was very hard and I did cry some, but hoping today will be a better day.  I'm hoping this is the beginning of me being able to give him space.  If I don't back track I would like to go dark and keep the communication lines open, but not let him cake eat like he has been doing.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline limitless

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #13 on: March 08, 2011, 08:31:27 AM »
mh,
I have had the very same "conversations" with my H.  In fact, the last conversation that we had (prior to last week) - was in November.  I had been watching his cell phone records and found that he was contacting his high school girlfriend.  We had the same conversation as you and your h.  I don't know why that I allowed myself to get into those conversations with him. 
These conversations lead to absolutely NOWHERE.  But, I think you already know that.
The honest truth is - your H/my H - are both in replay.  My husband's replay seems to include contacting every woman that he had a relationship with in his teens/early 20's.  Maybe he will run out of ex-flames sometime - who knows? 
The "we're just friends" line is probably intially true.  But, we all know that any person who starts sharing their deepest, darkest secrets with a member of the opposite sex is just asking to get involved in a EA that leads to a PA. 
There is absolutely nothing that you or I can do about this.  It is only when I detach from my H's cr*p and don't take it personally (I KNOW that this is very difficult.  How can one not take it personally when their spouse is involved with someone else)?  The OW is just a symptom.  To be honest, the are of NO importance - whatsoever.  The MLCer will not realize this until replay is over and Depression/Withdrawal set in. 

Let it go.  Stop the madness.  Don't try to talk sense into him.  You can't.  I have done the same things many, many times.

Hang in there,

L
M -58,  ExH - 64 (56 at BD)
M - 33 years (do the last 3 years count?)
D - 28, D -24, S - 24 (only S 24 at home)
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW#3 9/15 (After 4 years)
Seeing OW#1 again
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Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #14 on: March 09, 2011, 09:25:49 AM »
Today is not a good day.  I e-mailed H yesterday that I was going to step back and give him the "space" that he said he wanted to figure out if he "could keep living like this."  Of course, there was no response which was as I suspected.  Remember the EA I was talking about who he says is just a friend, well what I forgot to add was that in 2006 she and her husband were well into an open marriage and there was an interaction with she and my H that she said H initiated.  She related this to me in a letter after I had confronted her husband about some emails that I had found going back and forth between her and H regarding specific preferences in sex.  Now, this was probably not the thing to do, but I had kept the emails and I forwarded one onto H to remind him why I thought this person was not just a "friend"  and that he could not have any type of relationship with me while she was just a friend or otherwise. 

This brought out monster and he left a message saying I should not contact him in any way, shape, or form unless about finances or the house.  He has also called back 3 times since, but I have not answered the phone and he didn't leave any more messages.  Anyhoo, he finally changed the password on the Verizon account and blocked me from seeing what he is doing with his cell phone.

I'm thinking I hit the nail on the head with her being the OW now.  Any thoughts appreciated.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #15 on: March 13, 2011, 07:29:30 PM »
Here I am again,

H has been over to OW house twice this weekend as she had surgery on Friday.  Don't know whether her H was there or not.  This is very hard for me as he is still saying they're just friends.  They really think we're stupid don't they.   I've been grieving all weekend.  I left a message at a friend's house to go out saturday night for a couple of hours, but to be honest even if she had called back and we went out I wouldn't have been very good company.  My other 2 good friends were at work this weekend so weren't availabe either.  It was just me and my thoughts.  I have so much doubt right now.  My life as I knew it is gone and I just don't know how to move forward without him.  When I think of the future it all looks so blank.  There's just nothing there.  I had him take me off his facebook this weekend and he was very offended about that.  This man is the only reason I'm in this country and he just throws me out with the garbage.  It took me 14 years to really get settled into living in the US, you know really getting into the culture and it being my way of life.  I made one of the biggest sacrifices which cost me my close relationship with my family and look where it got me.  Family and I still talk and what not, but I have been considered an outsider for a long time now.  So now I have to let him go and he's going to do whatever he is doing with her.  My american friends say if I made the adjustment to live over here I can make the adjustment to living without the love of my life. 

I know I'm in the middle of a pity party here, but a lot has come to light over the past week and it hurts.  Oh my how it hurts.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline hopingfourbetter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #16 on: March 13, 2011, 09:54:32 PM »
Hi Mh,
  Sorry you have to be here but this site is very helpful if for nothing but reading and using what you feel might help you. I hope you can work this all out soon and things are better for you.
  I am a little late to your thread but I have a similar sitch with my W. My bomb drop was I discovered her EA through the cell phone online bill. When I confronted her she said it was a guy that she has told me about in the past that she said was kind of a jerk, but a friend online. I suspected something wrong and found out it was my W's ex HUSBAND. I confronted her and it has been mostly messed up since.

  I have given up on checking the bill so often and ignore or have gone nc and usually respond to her when she wants to talk to me. We are living together and it seems as though we are slowly working our way out of this mess. We are close to 3 years of this and it started with menopause. it has been a crisis for us both therefore MLC fits. My bomb drop Sept or Oct. last year but things were not right for more than a couple of years. We men are sometimes a little ignorant when it comes to our wives needs. Hfb
Hfb

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #17 on: March 13, 2011, 10:23:19 PM »
Quote
We men are sometimes a little ignorant when it comes to our wives needs.
I don't think so HfB...we could have all done something different, a little better but I don't think it would have changed anything.

There are issues in our spouses that have been buried for a long time...and I think in my Beloved's case, he is working really, really hard to keep them buried. Until he faces them..he will not move on.

We are all human and in marriage, it is up to each partner to let the other know what they need. The typical MLC script and certainly what happened to me was I was never ever given any indication that he wasn't happy. He never said a word...actually what he did say indicated that he loved me very much...so what is the truth?

Hope your W finds her way back to you HfB


mh1782hlt
Yes, it does hurt...hard to imagine how something can cause such physical pain.

 
Quote
My life as I knew it is gone and I just don't know how to move forward without him.  When I think of the future it all looks so blank.  There's just nothing there.
I felt like that too for a very long time. It is only very recently (and it's been 19 mo since BD) that I am starting to see some sort of life..I'm still in limbo as to where I will live and dividing our assets but I am slowly moving forward.

I've joined some very thought provoking church groups and am making new friends. I got a dog, I am going to Belgium on my very own  and then meeting some of these amazing people in Luxembourg, I am learning to golf...I have learned to surrender my life into God's hands..the most important lesson of all.

I know that I can love somebody unconditionally, I know I can stay true to my beliefs....so the blankness isn't there anymore..at least not most of the time...but it took me a very long time and I still feel shaky..not sure I've quite made it to that place of calmness that I wish to be..but I'm not going to give up trying to get there.
« Last Edit: March 13, 2011, 10:30:24 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #18 on: March 14, 2011, 12:12:34 PM »
Here we go again,

After being with EA nearly all weekend, H calls me up to see if I might want to go on a little shopping outing with him on Saturday.  He is dangling the carrot of his company in my face again knowing how distraught I was this weekend when he was over at her house with her family having a good old time.  Guess he thinks I'm desperate and it was time for a bit of cake-eating.

So I said I had to protect my heart.  If he was still pursuing other women, then there would be no shopping trip, but if he was starting to rebuild the marriage then I'd be happy to go with; otherwise I would just be in line for more hurt and that he is just feeding me BS and disrespecting me.  I know he is no where near to being in a place where he will get this concept.  So after that, he said he'd think about it which I know means there will be no outing.  I have to take small steps with this letting go concept and hope this is a step in the right direction.  I also have a get together with my English ladies on Saturday so will not be home by myself.

I'm thinking he's a clingy cake eater and this is the only way I can go for now.  He's driving me to drink with the back and forth.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #19 on: March 20, 2011, 10:32:37 AM »
Anyone out there?  Well, H made another attempt at cake-eating asking me to go shopping with him so I asked if he was still pursuing other women and he said yes, then I said no to shopping.  We have not seen each other now for 2 weeks.  The phone contact was quite heavy back and forth as I was coming to terms with OW, but he is stilling denying.  Anyhoo, she posted kisses for him on his FB so that was all I needed to see.  Its all very high school.  Trying to keep off it now.  The weirdest thing he said during all of this was that "I didn't want it to be like this."  WTH, how did he think it would be?  Guess he thought I was just going to sit here and be happy about it and keep the rest of his life flowing smoothly.  We have a house and finances to keep up with, but I guess those all belong to me now as I have no choice about it while he goes out to play.  Do I sound bitter.... nah!

My life has been fairly quiet as still working 2nd shift with only 2 days free.  Yesterday, I met up with ladies from my English group for lunch which was nice, but someone asked how I was doing and I just started to cry.  Its all still very raw.  I'm going to take my small dog to the dog park today as it is very nice out there.  My other dog can't come as he is very possessive of her and starts fights, which is a shame though it is hard to manage the both of them on my own.

Well, thats my excitement.  I keep reading and reading, but living it is not easy.  Take care all.

M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #20 on: March 20, 2011, 11:02:26 AM »
You also take care.the rawness..these feelings of acute pain...I'd never experienced anything like this before.

It has changed me..in some very good ways but also some not so good ways.....but I can look at both the good, the bad and the ugly and decide what is right for me.

In the past, I just sort of merrily went along in life..mostly everything was good, sometimes fantastic, seldom if ever bad...so now, I am taking a very deep look spiritually and personally about my life and what it is all about.

People say I will be "grateful" someday for this experience...today I am grateful that the sun is shining, I had a nice walk and a lovely mass that I attended and I'm having 1 1/2 massage this afternoon...you take care. I know it gets very lonely especially on weekend.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline limitless

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #21 on: March 20, 2011, 11:34:24 AM »
mh,
Sorry you have to be here and go through this.
I'm bitter, too.  I'm angry.....I'm resentful.
Sometimes I'm pissed.
We all go through it.
It is new to you and you are raw.
Allow yourself to go through the feelings.  You can't avoid them.  You can't skip them.  You can't go around them.
Embrace it and go on.

We are here, with you.
Hugs,

L
M -58,  ExH - 64 (56 at BD)
M - 33 years (do the last 3 years count?)
D - 28, D -24, S - 24 (only S 24 at home)
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW#3 9/15 (After 4 years)
Seeing OW#1 again
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions For Newbies
The Mentor Program
Report Technical Problems

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #22 on: March 20, 2011, 11:34:36 AM »
Good work on preventing the cake eating and enforcing our your boundary.

Of course nothing that they do makes any sense and you are correct that it is very much like a teenager in high school.

Stay on your path and keep us posted!

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #23 on: March 22, 2011, 08:40:27 AM »
Not sure, but I think I might have messed up.  Here's the thing.  I was so upset about the OW situation that I called hubby and told him I was letting go of him and that he should let go of me.  Now, I'm wondering if this was a mistake as he was immature before this and will take it as rejection and that I don't want him back.  That was on Saturday and no contact since.

I wanted to post here before I get daft, pick up the phone, and call him.

Need help....
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #24 on: March 22, 2011, 05:56:43 PM »
Well, I didn't get daft and pick up the phone but H did.  He wants to take the dogs out on Sunday weather permitting.  He also wanted to know if I wanted his football schedule???  He's not daft as he calls when he knows I'm at home working.  So tomorrow will start a new day of going dark.

When do you get your head around this?  I did pretty well with not reacting today and didn't mention OW.

I'm going out with my friend for lunch tomorrow.  I need to talk to some grownups.

Later.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline Faith

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #25 on: March 22, 2011, 08:34:07 PM »
Not sure, but I think I might have messed up.  Here's the thing.  I was so upset about the OW situation that I called hubby and told him I was letting go of him and that he should let go of me.  Now, I'm wondering if this was a mistake as he was immature before this and will take it as rejection and that I don't want him back.  That was on Saturday and no contact since.

I wanted to post here before I get daft, pick up the phone, and call him.

Need help....

I have been dealing with my H's MLC for almost 2 years now (in May), and I have learned that absolutely nothing you do will make a difference in the long run.  Like you, I used to be so fearful that the things I said would cause a wrong reaction in him, but the truth is, he will do what he will do no matter what.  You can tell him you want him back, and it may push him further away.  You can tell him you're letting him go, and he could run farther or start persuing.  He could persue one day and spew hate the next.  None of this craziness has anything to do with what you say or don't say.  We all make mistakes in dealing with our MLC'ers, but nothing we do will change them for better or worse.  It's completely up to them to decide what kind of people they want to be.

My H also blocked me from his cell phone records (against my will), but it was actually a relief to me.  I was OBSESSED with looking at them daily and investigating any numbers I saw frequently (after discovering 2 EA's in the past).  I have to assume he's still doing things with his phone he's ashamed of since people who have nothing to hide, don't hide.  I know without a doubt that he's at least flirting and exploring his "options", but I no longer waste my time and emotions on the details and am much better off for it.

You are a strong, capable woman who is able to start a FT job in the middle of such chaos and pain.  That in itself is a huge accomplishment!  You're doing fine.

M-43
H-42
Married 20 years
BD May 2009
D filed June 2011
Ugly court battle is underway :(
D14 & D17

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #26 on: March 22, 2011, 09:47:58 PM »
I do believe I finally have learned not to snoop, got burned a few times now.  I know ignorance is bliss, but its a hard place to get to.  It does take a lot of energy to keep up this kind of stress and to be honest I'm getting a bit burned out.  Looking forward to a few days' peace.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #27 on: March 27, 2011, 11:01:12 AM »
Guys,

I'm really struggling.  I so want to know what is going on with him and, of course, he won't tell me.  I believe he is back to juggling with the 2 OWs again.  One is more available than the other now as she left her husband.  I know the knowledge won't make any difference in the whole picture and will probably just hurt me.  Why are we such gluttons for punishment.  Its like a moth to a flame.  I so do want to not feel like this, but I still feel floored.

Then on the other hand, it all just feels so hopeless.  The man as pulled away since I put my boundary in place.  He's a tit-for-tat person.  I also find myself wondering if this marriage is worth all this pain.  I never in all my days imagined he could turn his back on me this way, even though I know from your stories this is what happens.  I'm trying to let him go, but its just lasting about 2 days and then he picks up the phone.  I'm trying guys, but struggling with this feeling of being unloved by H.

Monster is more active now.  It doesn't take much for it to raise its ugly head, but I'm better at not reacting. 

For some reason, I felt the need to get my nails done yesterday and finding somewhere on a Saturday mornng is no easy thing.  I did find somewhere and they look nice.  I can never keep the nail varnish on long though.

I'm going to call my friend as I'm feeling very down, not total pity party but sad at this huge loss in my life.

Later

M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline Butterfly

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #28 on: March 27, 2011, 11:24:17 AM »
I know how hard the first months are post bomb drop. From experience I can tell you, trying to figure it out doesn't help. Stop trying to talk to him about ow. He's going to do whatever he's going to do regardless. I switched to the mode of monitoring from afar. That way I still know what's going on, but don't have the stress of contact. It was a compromise. As much as you can detach, do. It will be much easier.
And you will be surprised at how closely they all follow the script.

Have fun today.

Butterfly
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thy own understanding.
1 Corinthians 13:7 Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, it's hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything.

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #29 on: March 31, 2011, 08:53:37 AM »
'Morning,

H and I haven't seen each other in 3 weeks.  There has been phone contact.  We don't have kids, but 3 cats and 2 dogs.  H wants to come and see the animals this pm.  Haven't seen anyone's other half using animals as an excuse to visit.  He is fond of them, but......   I do work at home and will be working tonight so don't have to really interact with him.  What's everyone think?  Anyone else dealing with animal visitation rights?    :D
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #30 on: April 02, 2011, 09:07:15 AM »
So he came, ate pizza, bathed dogs and left.  I was working while he was here.  He asked for hug and tried to kiss me before he left to which I offered him my head to kiss instead.

The bad part is one of the OWs put on FB that she is in an open relationship (this is the one that just left her husband and was the initial EA, confirmed by H).  Don't know for sure that this is with him though if it is I've no doubt he's living one of his sexual fantasies.  Also my gut is telling me I'm right about this.  The other OW put kisses on his facebook, he does civil war reeacting with her, and seems to spend time with her when he can as she is still married to his friend.  He doesn't know that I know about some of this stuff so of course, he's still telling me he's not seeing anyone and has not had sex with anyone since he left.  I know about not looking at FB, but how can I make decisions how to deal with this when I'm not 100% certain.

I took down all the photos of me and him in the house including out wedding pictures.  It just feels so hypocritical to even look at them now.

He wants to come back and see the dogs on Monday.  I want to keep the communication open, but not have footprints on my back.  I also don't want him taking the dogs out walking because I don't want him doing that activity with OW (pathetic I know, but just the way I feel). 

I'm very wobbly on my tightrope right now and not sure of the way forward. 
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline Voyager

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #31 on: April 02, 2011, 10:28:54 AM »
mh

Considering it's all so recent you are doing incredibly well. And yes i know it might not feel like that because this is a horrid stiuation, but really you are.
You can be certain of some things mh, which i hope negate the FB stuff, and we've all been there and done that.
You can be certain he's in MLC, that he will most definitely lie and that he will not be the person you knew.

His sitch with OW's EA or PA will go round and round. Honestly take your focus off that. You know it's happening and getting further details won't help, or make any difference to him and his behaviour. But i know it's easier said than done. I think it's a LBS rite of passage.

I understand about the communication but it's important to ask yourself why. If it's because you need to communicate about essential things yep. If it's because you think it will bring him back right now, i wouldn't go there.

I was the worst at telling myself i had to keep communicating, but it really wasn't about all the things i told myself it was for.

 It was really just for me, because i hurt and i hoped I would hear him say what i wanted him to say, and i hoped it would change him. I hoped i would find the magic bullet in those contacts that would help him come home.

I rationalised it really well, and it almost made sense. :) :)

Try as best you can to focus on you and what you need to do to get through this. If possible don't put yourself on a tightrope. That adds a lot of extra stress on you and the pressure of "getting it right"

Don't worry too much about his reactions to things, think about your own. This is a looong process so there is no need to feel urgent about things. If it's healthier for you not to see him, don't. If you need to have more distance do it. What you do now, tomorrow or next week won't affect this. Unless it's something really dramatic!!!!!

Have confidence in listening to what your needs are and put them first, above what you think his are. Give yourself breathing space to start to get a handle on yourself.

It does get better and things get clearer, just don't feel you have to rush at it or fear that whatever the sitch is now it is set in stone. It changes all the time.
 
I think you have a good handle on this if you don't allow fear to take over. You seem strong, use that strength for yourself now.

Look after you and don't worry too much about him. He's set off on his path, it's his to tread.

Yours is a parallel but different road, look to the horizon and keep going.

Much love to you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx






Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #32 on: April 03, 2011, 09:13:33 AM »
First I'd like to say thanks for everyone's input.  I have always liked to have other's thoughts on various things throughout my life, but have to say right now my close friends think I should just kick H to the curb and get a new one.  Not helpful.

Never in all my days did I think I would live to see this, my H in an open relationship with 2 women.  Really how long can this go on, isn't one of them going to want more eventually.  I know we're not all made the same, but to me as a woman its about as low as you can go.

Thought I give a bit more insight into H's MLC trip.  In 2005, I was diagosed with a small benign brain tumor, scary at first but we learned about it and said okay we can live with that.  At the end of 2007, I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and finished chemo in Jan 2008.  By H's own admission, he had to look at the prospect of me dying and how he was going to go on without me.  Then in July 2008, he had a paraesophageal hernia, had to have a big surgery, and was in the hospital a month.  I had cancer and wasn't in the hospital at all, go figure.  So, I think we can safely say 2007/2008 was his trigger.

I started noticing the anger in 2009.  It was awful going anywhere with him in the car as he would just get p.......d off and shouting at other drivers.   He just didn't seem to have a lot of patience with anything.  At the back end of 2009, he started hanging out with a guy from work a few nights a week and eventually we ended up hanging out with them as a couple.  This guy treated his wife not real good and not a very high opinion of women in general, but the first close friend I had seen my husband have in all the time we were married.  I changed jobs and was working evenings so I couldn't participate as much in the socializing so I think this is when this guy's wife and H started their EA.  She was very unhappy in her marriage and H in MLC and presto a plan was born.  H left me first while she was away taking a break from her husband and family for a few months and she leaves her husband about a month ago.  But in the meantime, hubby hooks up with another friend's wife and so a spanner is thrown into the works and of course MLC H can't make a choice between them and got one or both of them to go along with this.

My hope with keeping some contact with H is to help pave the way.  At some point, I might decide I'm done and I've certainly had those thoughts.  I have NO expectations of him right now.  He is in man heaven as far as he's concerned though I know he does love me in his own MLC way.  He only stopped saying he loved me because I told him to because I really didn't want to hear it with all that was going on and definitely don't want to hear it right now.  This may prove to be a mistake on my part, but I can't stand to hear the words coming out of his mouth.

So here I stand for the time being.  I definitely can't wait for the time of getting some dettachment as I'm so tired of the intense pain and grieving for what is gone.  I still don't see a lot into the future right now, but hopefully that will come with time.

Hugs to all.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #33 on: April 12, 2011, 08:59:11 AM »
Hello again,

Its been over a week since I posted.  H had a trip to in-laws this week which at best is a bad situation all round.  He called me the night before he left and asked if he could call me if he needed to talk.  Sorry to say I had to point out that I was the only one who he could turn to for this.  Anyhoo, I felt this was a friend in need situation so said okay.  We have talked several times this week and he is back to saying I love you.  In one phone call, he relayed a conversation he had with his mother about us saying that she commented "oh, you'll be back together by christmas" to which he commented that there "was always a chance that we could get back together."  He also mentioned talking to his high school best friend and never told him about the separation because it was temporary.  I'm taking this as cycling this early in the game or just got thrown back to reality for a moment??  OW #2 probably has split with her H now.  I have to admit I do find it kind funny that he could end up between 2 women who left their husbands because of him.  Is that cruel or a case of what goes around comes around?  Guess I'm sounding like the woman scorned.

On my front, things are pretty quiet.  I'm still trying to keep up with the house and animals.  Work takes up a lot of my time.  I try to get out with at least 1 of my friends a week, but with everyone's lives and work schedule it is hard sometimes. Saying that, glad to be working at home with the price of gas.  What a shocker that is.

This clinging boomerang thing is so hard
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline good4me

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #34 on: April 12, 2011, 09:16:51 AM »
Sorry that you have to be here but this is the best place for all of us going through the LBS stuff. I wonder if most of  the MLCer's say this is "temporary"? I know mine did yet if it is "temporary" why  haven't we seen or talked to each other in more than 6 weeks. Just a thought I would put out so the more informed LBS can give their knowledge on this issue. Being a newbie only in this 3 months since H left but BD was new years eve -not exactly how I planned out starting off 2011. DOn't know how they can look in the mirror each day and not be totally disgusted at the destruction and heartache they have/are causing.  I guess out of sight really is out of mind. The less contact the MLC'er has with the LBS they can keep their little fantasy world thriving happily just moving about as if nothing has happened-they are just on a vacation from marriage. Reminds of the movie out now called "Hall Pass" If you haven't seen it yet it is funny because the H's are really kind of crazy thinking they can pickup young hot women at the Olive Garden. Oh well there is no such thing as a hall pass or vacation from marriage-you are either in in 100 % or you're not. Marriage isn't for quitters and personally I am not a quitter.
Not sure which is easier a clinging boomerang or a vanisher. I miss H so much that a boomerang sounds great to me but I bet the ups and downs would be hard to live with too. Not knowing can be good to but my mind wonders all teh crazy bad thing that H can be doing and with whom. I know I sound crazy but this is one of the only places I can be completely honest without being put in a straight jacket and hauled to a padded cell.
I made a choice to finally let go, because I can't stand the pain, it's time for my last tear to fall and smile again.

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #35 on: April 12, 2011, 09:40:25 AM »
Good4you, I think being the LBS is just hell either way.  My fair weather friend saw the 'Hall Pass' movie and said it reminded her of my situation.  This coming from a person with a good marriage right now.  Its amazing how insensitive our 'friends' can be at this time.

You're right about the padded cell.  I've amazed myself at some of the crazy thoughts that go through my head.  My confidant friend says I'm making a movie in my head about what's going on with H and OW.  I've felt fit to be locked up also.

I forgot to add in my last post the comment I made to H about the mother-in-law conversation.  I asked him if he had a plan in that regard and he said no, but there was a "chance we could get back together."  I replied that "we have nothing to talk about then," said goodbye, and put down the phone.  He was supposed to call today, but nothing so far.  IT FELT SO GOOD to be able to do that and not fall to pieces trying to get something from him.  There was more I wanted to say about the thoughts I have had about the down side of getting back with him, but am keeping that to myself for now.

Just have to keep moving upward and onward (which ever come first)......
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #36 on: April 14, 2011, 09:59:35 PM »
The only way to start this is God give me strength.  OW #2 has made SIL a friend on Facebook.  She has never met H family as they live on the other side of the country so is friends with someone she has not seen face to face.  H says he told family about his "new friends," so that is how this came about.  SIL would befriend anyone who wasn't me.

I'll just hold out my hands now .....  My temper got the best of me, but I got a lot off my chest.  Kind of reminds me of that movie Fatal Attraction.  Me thinks she's trying to take my place big time as she joined his civil war group that I used to go to with him also and now this. 

Just hope she doesn't know where I live.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline Dontgiveup

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #37 on: April 14, 2011, 10:24:00 PM »
Good4you

Below is a piece of one of the articles on this website that mentions the "temporary" thing.  I don't know how common it is for an MLCer to say that.  My MLCer did not say that, but I saw other cycles.



Most MLCers will move out, not all, but most. Some will take legal action, but many more will threaten without acting or make no mention of legal changes. Words or promises spoken as a conscious lie may be inadvertent truths. MLCers leave, often saying that it is only temporary, they will be back. Some mean these words and are not aware that temporary is longer than their imagination, some want to mean them, but lack trust within themselves, and others are using them as words of appeasement with no honest intentions. Almost all are unaware of their rapidly cycling emotions and that they will change their minds in an hour, day, week or month—possibly multiple times.

Some leaving MLCers tell their spouse they must leave, either directly stating or implying their actions are beyond their control. This is truth, he must go through the journey; he must leave and become separate if he is to return and become whole. But he is not aware of the depth of truth within his words.


Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #38 on: April 15, 2011, 11:26:45 AM »
Now this is getting scary, she's added another SIL....
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Still learning
« Reply #39 on: April 25, 2011, 09:50:59 AM »
Hello to all,

I changed my name as I wanted something more user friendly, was mh1782hlt. 


I left off where OW2 was adding his family members to her facebook; she is now up to 4.  Anyhoo, I got over that with H's help actually.  I do feel I'm moving forward and am beginning to feel slightly unhooked.  He still only goes maybe 2 days at most without contact.  I'm only picking up the phone for business and have "don't do it" signs in front of my phone, seems to work quite well.  Just have to keep the reactions in check.

Not sure how open minded everyone is, but wanted to let you all know about an astrology reading I had last week.  It was very much in keeping with things discussed on this board.

H is troubled, addicted, attached to home, not trustworthy.

I have bad taste in men, soft touch with H, need to not get taken in, be practical, not to take on other people's problems.

Bad news:  Betrayal, find out about financal issues, don't get taken to cleaners, get an attorney, protect self, lower expectations, heavy burden for next 2-1/2 years, husband goes off deep in next February (our 25th anniversary by the way).

H to ask for forgiveness/mend fences around Sept/Oct (that would be 10/11 months post BD).  Needs to prove himself.  Needs to go to counseling.  Needs to get to bottom of his problems through counseling.  If he won't work on marriage/prove himself, get rid of.

As for me, says I have choices.  I will re-marry or stay with same person but will be different/better.

Have to tell ya, this took the wind out of my sails and scared me silly at the same time.

Hope no one is offended, certainly not mean't to. 

« Last Edit: February 25, 2017, 06:24:13 AM by OldPilot »
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline Butterfly

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #40 on: April 25, 2011, 04:39:49 PM »
Welcome to the private board!
I love astrology too. I had reading in January by an astrologist, not psychic.
She talked a lot about planetary alignments. I find it interesting. She says our freewill can always override predictions. She talked about it in general. I always know when the full moon is.

I'm glad you documented so we can see how it turns out.

Take care.

Butterfly
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thy own understanding.
1 Corinthians 13:7 Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, it's hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything.

Offline Hope for Zen

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #41 on: April 26, 2011, 12:50:06 PM »
Welcome!  Never have been into astrology myself, but I think in general that anything that helps you focus your thoughts can be a good tool for sorting through this nasty MLC mess.  It is so much to take in and cope with. 

Like your "don't do it" strategy, btw. 

- Zen
If you're going through hell, keep going.   -Winston Churchill

Trust the process and have faith.  -Unknown

Offline Flowerpower

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #42 on: April 27, 2011, 08:14:09 AM »
HFN,
Welcome to the private board.... ;)...I find Astrology interesting too.....although didn't really go deep into it.....keep posting...
Huggs,
Fp
this too will pass

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #43 on: April 27, 2011, 04:31:15 PM »
I forgot to ask this in my thread.  Has anyone had their MLC'er adamantly denying there is anyone else?  H is still denying EA/PA with these women even though he admitted back in November that he told OW#1 his problems last September.  I had the speech, ILYBINILWY, "I'm not attracted to you," "you're like a roommate/sister," and finally "I need space to see if I can keep living like this."  OW#2 has the FB thing with H's family and sends him messages saying she misses him and loves him.  Does he think I'm that stupid or is this avoiding the guilt?  Its getting on my nerves that he won't even man up to this. 

This weekend will be a tough one.  H and OW#2 are doing civil war reenacting all this weekend.  My prize is that I get to work.  Kind of feeling bitter and like all these people have wiped their feet on my back.  Am I going insane?
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline growing every day

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #44 on: April 27, 2011, 04:34:40 PM »
My H denies it too... I'm not buying it!
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.--Carl Bard

Offline Hope4Tomorrow

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #45 on: April 27, 2011, 05:51:02 PM »
HFN-

You are NOT insane.  It really painful when OW steps into our place beside H with family or his favorite activities.  It feels like being discarded or thrown out with  the trash. 

My H did not deny EA/PA.  At bomb drop, he claimed it had not become physical, but he lies, so I don't know really know if it was just EA or EA/PA at that time, of course that is irrelevant.  He was very clear about all of his gushy, strong feelings for OW, even saying that he had never felt this way before.  Nice.  Thanks for the last 20 years....

Your feelings are completely valid and normal.

Hang in there-

H4T

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #46 on: May 04, 2011, 09:59:44 AM »
Well, I survived the weekend.  We had an issue come up I wanted to run by everyone.  We have dogs, not kids.  He wants to come and take dogs for walks, camping, and so forth.   Now, I have been replaced in civil war activities, and hooking up with family on FB so I just put down my foot with the dogs and said he couldn't take them because I didn't want them around OWs.  I know probably pathetic, but these are my babies.  Anyhoo, he turned around and said "you're punishing me" and literally threw a temper tantrum.  He also claimed I was manipulating him with the dogs.  Monster came out big time and more than I have seen so far.  Of course, I knew not to react and so I asked him to come up with an answer and he suggested the compromise was for me to go with him for walks with the dogs.  I'm not sure if this in the best interest of my stand, but these are his "babies too."  I had told him in the past that there would be no "together" activities unless we were in the rebuilding process so I'm thinking this is backtracking somewhat.  The only other option would be to let him have the dogs and suck it up.  This teenager thing is amazing.  This is up there with "we can't be friends?"
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #47 on: May 09, 2011, 10:37:55 PM »
Guys,

Really need some input right now.  H blindsided me yesterday.  We are on the west coast.  He had a job interview over the phone for a job in the northeast.  If he gets this job he wants me to go with so that we can have a "fresh start and work on the marriage."  Here's the catch.  If he does'nt get the job he's very reluctant to work on the marriage right now.  He was complaining about fatigue as well.  I think his depression is getting deeper. He claims that he's not hanging out with anyone right now, but not sure I believe that.  Anyone else's MLC'er want to move halfway through the tunnel.  Guess I should be glad he wants to take me and no OW.  If he takes this job, it is going to be hell financially with trying to sell the house and whatnot and I'll have to give up my job.  HUGE risk on my part.  I asked him if he were going to take the job if I didn't go and he said he did'nt know.  Otherwise, he still will not open up to me about OWs and his feelings on the situation in general.  Suppose its a mute point until we find out about the job, but it p......s me off that he is willing to work on things in one situation and not in another.  I have to assume all is not well in paradise and he has come to the realization that OWs are not permanent.   Of course, if the job doesn't pan through he could always go run back to OWs.  He does seem to be withdrawing into himself.  Its only 6 months since BD.

My brain is being messed with again.


M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Four months post speech
« Reply #48 on: May 09, 2011, 10:42:24 PM »
Guys,

Really need some input right now.  H blindsided me yesterday.  We are on the west coast.  He had a job interview over the phone for a job in the northeast.  If he gets this job he wants me to go with so that we can have a "fresh start and work on the marriage."  Here's the catch.  If he does'nt get the job he's very reluctant to work on the marriage right now.  He was complaining about fatigue as well.  I think his depression is getting deeper. He claims that he's not hanging out with anyone right now, but not sure I believe that.  Anyone else's MLC'er want to move halfway through the tunnel.  Guess I should be glad he wants to take me and no OW.  If he takes this job, it is going to be hell financially with trying to sell the house and whatnot and I'll have to give up my job.  HUGE risk on my part.  I asked him if he were going to take the job if I didn't go and he said he did'nt know.  Otherwise, he still will not open up to me about OWs and his feelings on the situation in general.  Suppose its a mute point until we find out about the job, but it p......s me off that he is willing to work on things in one situation and not in another.  I have to assume all is not well in paradise and he has come to the realization that OWs are not permanent.   Of course, if the job doesn't pan through he could always go run back to OWs.  He does seem to be withdrawing into himself.  Its only 6 months since BD.

My brain is being messed with again.


M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline Hope for Zen

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #49 on: May 10, 2011, 04:18:00 AM »
Really not sure what to say, just be CAREFUL.  He doesn't sound like he is facing what makes him run, but is trying to drag you along on a MLCer run.  My instinct tells me you should keep hold of your support systems and stay put.  I'm much more cynical than I was a few months ago though. 

Different sitch, but before OW my H was pushing hard for us to adopt a child RIGHT NOW, NOW, NOW.  It had always been a goal of ours, but he was frantic to change his whole life.  That part was new.  Found out later he was trying to 'fix' our family by adopting.   :o  I will not even begin to go into how f-ed up that line of thinking is. 

Anyway, I didn't know what was going on in that head of his, just thought he wanted to grow our family like I did.  I went along and we were about to start our home study and observation hours when H dropped the bomb.  Bassically, I guess I am saying he was going to run and it didn't matter how much I supported him or was willing to work with him.  He ran.  He is still running.  Long way to go still.

MLCers will abandon you when they run and not care how isolated you are or if they put you in that sitch either.  Take care of yourself, whatever you do.

Others may have a different take on this.  Lots of good advice here.
((hugs))
If you're going through hell, keep going.   -Winston Churchill

Trust the process and have faith.  -Unknown

Offline Butterfly

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #50 on: May 10, 2011, 05:22:56 AM »
I agree that you should stay put. He's too unpredictable right now. He may mean what he says but then he will change his mind. You need to keep yourself as stable as possible.
It concerns me he is basing whether he gets a job or not on whether you reconcile. Protect yourself financially. I'm sure others will chime in.

Butterfly
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thy own understanding.
1 Corinthians 13:7 Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, it's hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything.

Offline limitless

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #51 on: May 10, 2011, 06:54:14 AM »
I agree with the other, here.
You could make plans, leave your job, cut ties where you live and, when he is leaving - he could change his mind and not want you to go.
MLCers are so unpredictable.
You need to keep the stability in your life.  You will need it.  Trust me.
Maybe, he will not get the job and it will be a moot point.
Don't discuss your doubts with him.  Just nod and let him talk.
Just don't do anything to sever your ties with your current home or job.
You just can't trust what they will do.

Hugs,

L
M -58,  ExH - 64 (56 at BD)
M - 33 years (do the last 3 years count?)
D - 28, D -24, S - 24 (only S 24 at home)
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW#3 9/15 (After 4 years)
Seeing OW#1 again
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Online dragonfly

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #52 on: May 10, 2011, 08:05:12 AM »
Hi herefornow,

Oh my dear, in my opinion....mayday mayday...geographical fix!
Maybe he wants a refreshment because he doesn't like what's in front of him in his own life?  Looking for something outside himself to improve things? This is the time to stay true to yourself, look deep in your heart: if you don't feel like moving or if you have serious doubts don't do it.

Keep well!
It takes one person to forgive, it takes two people to be reunited.
(Lewis B. Smedes)

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #53 on: May 10, 2011, 09:33:55 AM »
I also think he has got himself into a situation he doesn't know how to get out of with OWs and then when he is contacted about this job he sees it as a "quck fix."

I also hope he doesn't get the job though with all the people out of work you'd think they'd be able to find someone locally.  Found out this morning he adopted a cat at the end of April.  We have 3 cats and 2 dogs already who are with me.  My gut is telling me this is the part where it begins to get dark and worse and I'm full of dread.  I think he can do enough damage all by himself without the help of the OWs.

Ah well, one day at a time.

M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline CrazyStuff

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #54 on: May 11, 2011, 02:34:45 AM »
HFN, without going into all the background I just wanted to let you know that a few years ago my h. and I made changes in our lives as part of dealing with his first attempt at a MLC.    We both changed jobs, slowed down, built a fabulous holiday home that we used regularly, spent more time together, etc.,    It was enough to give us a few good years, and they were good; however, it did not stop my h. going deep into MLC.   This is much worse and from what I now know something that was inevitable because the underlying issues had never been dealt with.     Even when I sensed a change in my h. I could do nothing to stop what was coming.   And I honestly believe neither could he.   

Recently HeartsBlessing wrote about this and added it as an article under Resources:  Standing Actions.   I have taken a short extract from it, which is the key point.     I really wish someone had given me this advice 5 years ago as I might have been better prepared.   As a start I would not have simply gone along with my h.'s wish to just 'get over it'.             

Quote
Don't be fooled by their attempts to make nice; when you KNOW they are trying escape this necessary time in the MLC...and they will try...just so they don't have to face themselves...what they don't know, is they would be making a grave mistake that would definitely result in a reoccurence at a later time, of the original crisis; and who knows what kind of damaging behavior would start that second time..as it would seem to be a running type behavior of some sort

Please be careful. 


CrazyStuff

« Last Edit: May 11, 2011, 02:42:49 AM by CrazyStuff »

Offline unbroken

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #55 on: May 11, 2011, 07:38:18 AM »
Hi,
Just joining you.
Back to the dogs.  I would definitely take walks with him with the dogs.  Keep the conversation light. NO talk about MLC or OW.  I see that as paving the way.  I have told my H that we will not be just friends and he knows that, but while he's still around I will show him what he will be missing if he leaves for good.  It's all about the attitude you project.  Look fabulous. 
In Divorce Remedy she talks about looking for the baby steps.  Sure you want him committed to the marriage, but that's down the road.  I see this as a baby step.  Impressed he suggested it.  It's time he won't be spending with the OW.
I agree about the move.  Don't.  But don't just say "no" to him.  Agree with him that it would be nice to work on the marriage.  Let him know that if you work things out and recommit to one another you'd be happy to move out East.  He should be able to understand that with all the uncertainty, you can't (as if it's out of your control) just pick up and leave.  Let him see that it's not much of an offer if it only is available if he moves.  You have to be important enough to him no matter where he is or what is going on.  That you realize he has things he needs to work through still and you want him to be able to do that.  So you are willing to support him.
Be positive about the job.  Be optimistic for him.  See what happens.
You have a LONG way to go.  Expect many back and forths.  Be prepared if you move for him to leave again and possibly find another OW.  He's still in replay...

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #56 on: May 11, 2011, 09:10:54 AM »
I already had brought up that I didn't think location made a difference about working on marriage and that it was an issue for me that he could work on it in one location and not in another.  His answer to staying around here was "we'll keep running into them."  He also says I'll be wondering where he is and what he is doing all the time and be on his back.  Just wants the easy way out which is the same as before MLC.  H has always wanted the quick fix no matter what the situation.  Goes along with never growing up.  He did make a comment that if we didn't move it would be a slower process to working on marriage, but I can live with that.  He just doesn't know it.  Of course, the problem for him staying here is the letting go of OWs is what takes time and effort.  I told him that civil war reenacting with OW2 will have to go so that will hold him up for a while.  OW2 is still living with her H so their time together is limited anyhow.  She is supposed to be making a move on that front in October.  My H let that slip.  No idea what is going on with OW1.  Things are very quiet on that front.  She may or may not still be around.

We took the dogs on Sunday.  He brought roses for mother's day (we have no kids) and stayed for 4 hours which is the longest he has stayed since he left.  He is also coming over tonight to bathe dogs. 

No word on job yet, but it is still listed as open.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #57 on: May 16, 2011, 01:06:18 PM »
I just realized that so much time spent with me on mother's day was because OWs were with their respective families.  Must have hit home somewhat that these women have obligations other than him.  Still not heard on job and that's not a bad thing I think.

Anyhoo, childhood issues.  Think I might have nailed this down.  I think his mother made him her shoulder to cry on at a youg age (11).  His father didn't go to her mother's funeral and she leaned on my husband a lot emotionally at that time.  Also, apparently his parents were having an argument one time, his mother pulled out a gun, and H got inbetween them to diffuse situation.  So I guess he became his mother's keeper at such a young age, but from what I see she is a really controlling and needy parent so I see his MLC as the rebellion he didn't get to do in his teenage years.  I myself totally rebelled between 16 and 18 and drove my mother insane.  He obviously was always the good boy.

We don't have kids and I know nothing about this stuff.  Any one have any thoughts?

Don't know if anyone else is in the northwest, but when are we getting our summer?  I haven't even got any pots put together yet.  I'm still plodding on with work and trying to fit in some social time with friends which is not an easy feat with everyone's schedule so hoping I can get together with someone this weekend.

Its now been 4 months since he moved out and the crying has substantially lessened.  Just a few tears if I'm having a little pity party.  I'm still in awe as I watch this movie running to schedule.

Later



M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #58 on: May 16, 2011, 01:21:36 PM »
Don't know if anyone else is in the northwest, but when are we getting our summer?
Subooru lives in the northwest, I am sure their are some other who live their too.

Sorry but I am in the northeast and I can't tell you about your weather.

But I can offer you some popcorn to watch your movie.
I buy 50lb bags so there is plenty to go around!

Keep working on yourself.
It does get better with time.

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #59 on: May 21, 2011, 08:50:42 PM »
Things have moved along fast the last couple of days I'm having a hard time keepng up.  I told H that I wasn't going anywhere with him the ways things are right now, that location was irrelevent as far as I'm concerned, that I wasn't playing second fiddle to anyone, and that civil war activities with OW2 had to stop.  Guess I just got plain old mad.  We argued back and forth for 2 days.  I felt that if we were going to put this back together that he needed to put some time in with me on my days off and we just couldn't jump back into the marriage without some type of foundation.  I suggested he come see us on my days off, that he should stay at his place for the time being, and we would see how things went along.  He was adamant he was not giving up his civil war activities with OW2.  I said I'd think on it, but there was no way that I'd be going to join him in these activities and having to look at her face.  Today, he came for his first visit and is looking for other reenacting activities.  This is a complete turn around and I was pleasantly surprised.  He is supposed to come tomorrow to cook dinner and then on Wednesday we are going out to dinner.

He says he is not seeing anyone else and he is alone in his apartment when he is there.  I'm not sure where this is coming from on his end, but he claims that he had talked to his friend about putting it back together 2 weeks ago.  Of course, I want to know about everything that has gone on for the past 4 months but have managed to keep my mouth shut so far and just trying to have a pleasant time together.  Not sure if this a touch and go or what the heck it is, but I wasn't expecting any of this.  He even said that he thought OW2 was looking to be "rescued."  Could have knocked me down with a feather.  I was questioning now whether this is MLC or not, but he is still staying true to the script only the timeline is so fast......
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #60 on: May 24, 2011, 11:31:10 AM »
Guys,  Got this from H this morning and am totally shocked.  I'm going to post this as I am not sure how to proceed with him still having some or whatever contact with OWs and their spouses.  I really would like some opinions as I like to have varied takes on topics.  Here goes.


    "Keeping in line with your examples of keeping our lines of communication open and expressing our thoughts and feelings in the best possible way to get them across (for me it's writing them) I take pen and paper in hand (metaphorically speaking) to tell you how I intend to proceed with friends, moving back into the house and most importantly with you, my darling wife.
 
        I intend to talk to each person (Dave, Glenn, Britt, Kathie and all others that I need to) individually to tell them that I am reconciling with you and that I wish to remain friends but that each needs to know, accept and understand that whether we have or had feelings for each other. In order to maintain an acquaintance and/or working relationship (and nothing more than those 2 things) then they need to accept, encourage, and aid in strengthening my relationship with you and the bond of our marriage. That I place you ahead of all of them.
 
      I intend to use the next few months to prove to you, myself and everyone else that I can have interactions with men, women, and couples without pursuing any individual even if there is or has been a physical or emotional attraction and that I can maintain a friendly acquaintance and/or work relationship with those individuals. I know you would prefer I just break all ties with the people you feel had a hand in my moving out or feel I have a bond with but that would prove nothing to anyone. I need to take control of myself and learn to interact with everyone I meet as an equally and even keeled manor. Like an alcoholic or a smoker needs to control himself when around others that are drinking or smoking I need to be able to interact with anyone and everyone daily, weekly or occasionally without losing control of myself and becoming involved with someone.
 
    I can only make our marriage stronger by becoming stronger as an individual first and proving to you that I am in control of my actions. I know that 4 months will not fix all the things that we BOTH need to work on on ourselves and on us as a couple but I need to start somewhere to show you that I can be a better man, human being and most importantly a much better devoted husband.
 
    I intend to spend quality time working on myself and us and to do that I need to spend quality time with you as often as we can but just like a new couple starting to date we need to ensure not to monopolize each others time and to find the happy median so that we don't become saturated nor one of us feel neglected.
 
    I feel it is best if I do not plan on moving back into the house prior to the end of September. I do this not out of spite, anger, need  or to cause ill will. I do this out of want to in order to have time to prove to you and myself that we and especially I can succeed in making a better stronger future for us and our marriage.

    In doing all this I am putting no one ahead of you except me. I need to prove to myself and you that I'm not the demented evil person we both have come to think I am.
 
Your Husband"


M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #61 on: June 03, 2011, 11:13:21 AM »
Guys,

Just wanted to share.  Learned this from H a couple of days ago.  Just goes to show the total disregard they feel towards us.  Turns out OW1 rejected him.  She didn't want to be "the other woman."  This happened in February.  He knew how I was stressing out about the whole situation and said nothing.  Getting ready to pull my hair out.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #62 on: June 05, 2011, 10:24:48 PM »
So H comes to visit today and starts talking, really talking.  Turns out he gave OW2 the boot a week and a half ago.  There was crying apparently.  He claims he had told her several times not to put all her eggs in one basket regarding him. 

He saw her at the civil war meeting today and during conversation she threatened him that if he didn't tell me the whole story she would and he had until Thursday.  If she knew my H at all she would know not to threaten him; its the worst thing you can do to him.  So I guess she started the ball rolling.  I'm thinking she thinks I will just throw him to the curb when he confesses all.  What she doesn't know is that I had a good idea of what was going on anyway.  She also doesn't know about this board and all I have learned here over the last 6 months or so.  According to H, they had sex 1 time and for whatever reason she ran home and told her H about it.  Maybe it was revenge for the problems they were having; I don't know.  My H said he felt guilty after the sex.  A bad idea apparently. 

H brought up counseling today all by himself.  I had said before he left that there would need to be counseling before he returned home so maybe that is a seed brought to fruition. 

OW2 also recently joined a security company H was working as a side job.  He now says he will give up civil war and the security company job because he thinks there will be too much bad blood between them.  It turns out she is definitely an affair down.  Apparently her current H is her 3rd husband with the 1st being an alcoholic and the second a drug addict.

Thats all I can remember right now.  We'll see how the week goes.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #63 on: June 07, 2011, 11:01:19 AM »
Chaps,

I feel like I'm talking to myself here, but will keep plodding on.  H shows up every day other than when he has his football refereering, civil war, or security job which sounds like a lot but usually only add up to 1 or 2 days a week and even then he will still show up at times.  I'm still not happy with the potential for interaction with OW and, of course, he doesn't see why he should give them up but does doubt his ability to keep them going in an uncomfortable setting with OW about.  He's been doing the civil war thing for a couple of years now.  He also comes and visits while I'm working (I telecommute) and hangs out.  We have gone to movies and to dinner together a couple of times now also.  I would say this has been going on for about 2 weeks now.

He's still in replay as its still all about him so here's the thing.  How to proceed if indeed he does go to counseling (appointment is set up), has given up OW permanently, the activities burn out and you still feel they are in replay.  Do you knowingly take back an MCLer who is still in replay?  I guess this is the true test of detachment.  My MCLer never moved in with OW, but the infatuation is definitely there.  He did say that he realized he had more feelings for me than he did her.  I did jump in there and put in the "you're infatuated with her, not in love" seed.  Haven't had a chance to do that so far.  Also the counseling was his idea.  Guess we go and just see what happens.  Can't see an MCLer in replay respond to counseling.  I'm feeling in kind of a strange place here.  His actions so far (if indeed he has called it off with OW) seem positive and moving forward, but I'm still hearing replay thoughts coming from his mouth.  He's also talking about how to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary next year, but to be honest I think that's coming from the guilt he's feeling.

I know I don't talk much about GALing, but with my life and my friends' lives we have a hard time scheduling time together also so I usually see them up to 3 times a week walking dogs, coffee, lunch, and Brit club once a month so its not like I don't do that stuff.  With working 2nd shift its hard.   I did all this before he left also so that hasn't changed.

So my question to you is anyone out there?
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #64 on: June 07, 2011, 11:30:38 AM »
  Do you knowingly take back an MCLer who is still in replay? I guess this is the true test of detachment.



So my question to you is anyone out there?
Yes we are reading along.

I think you give it a try.
You must keep your expectations LOW to zero,
and understand that you are not in control of this.

Know that counseling may not work but if you don't expect it to work then anything else will be great.

What do you want to do?

If you are expecting him to come back and be normal then you need to readjust that thinking.

Having a MLC'er at home is very hard but it can be done.

You are right that your detachment will be tested to the MAX.

Offline CrazyStuff

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #65 on: June 07, 2011, 12:05:26 PM »
Hereandnow,

Stayed took her husband back without him having come through the crisis properly although OW was out of the picture.    Others have done it, including RCR.    For an ongoing situation 'WhatNext' is dealing with this right now (although she only found out about OW last week who is still in the picture).     I have read most of the threads on here and I think Stayed's is a good one for you to look at.   She said recently in a post to me that if she had known what was ahead of her then she would not have willingly taken on the challenge.  At the time she didn't and it is only with hindsight (and more knowledge of MLC) that she now recognises that he was still a long way from being healed and also she had not healed enough herself.     You can certainly learn a lot from her story.   

Letting Go, although the circumstances are different as OW still around (although fading out) has already made a decision to take her recovering MLCer into her home.    She posted a great update on her thoughts on this today and I found it inspirational although not sure I would have the strength to do what she is doing. 

As this forum is still young - about a year - there isn't a lot of experience on this yet so you might well be leading the way for the next generation of LBS's.   

My h. is safely tucked up with OW and I don't think I'll be in your shoes for a long time (if ever); however, I also think that I would probably not want a replay MLCer at home because of the impact such craziness (if it continues) would have on my calm family life.     Then again, maybe I would take the chance.      It is by learning from others who are ahead of me that I hope to gain the knowledge I need to handle whatever comes next in a better way than I started out.   You may not have seen my first thread, which was entitled 'I threw him out - does this mean there is no hope'.   

Good luck with whatever you decide to do and I will look out for your updates.

CrazyStuff

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #66 on: June 07, 2011, 12:38:32 PM »
OP, thanks much for your input.  What I want is for OW2 to be gone permanently before moving back in.  I did ask him about OW1 if she became 'available' again and he says that is a dead issue.   We both know what our issues are in the marriage and that it will take time to mend.  H doesn't want to move back in before September, which I know stems from him wanting to finish off civil war activities for this year.  They don't realize we watch them from the periphery as well.  Another test is going to be the months in between.  My life will go on the way it has for the past 6 months with some H thrown in.  The question is can he keep the momentum going?  Of course, my task is detachment.  I was just getting around to it when he throws this spanner into the works.   I've seen the thought that there should be no R talk during this time.  Apart from Sunday's hour discussion, there has been no great release of feelings or information as neither of us ready is at this point.  To be honest, we are kind of feeling each other out I do believe.  There were quiet pauses in conversation to start with but everyday talk is flowing better now.   He has no idea of the damage he has wrecked on me and I really have no idea of what has gone on since he left other than the morcels he has given me.  There is not much in the way of physical contact.  I get hugs and kisses, not pecks but not passionate either.  He has told me he loves me throughout the last 6 months on and off, but I have still felt the distaste.  He also told me he had thought about trying to return home a couple of other times, but I launched into one of my "monster" modes and put him off.  I have had my own monster show up about 3 times since he left.

Well, its time to go to work.  Its just horrible that any one of us has to go through this.  I wish you all well.
Later


   

M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline limitless

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #67 on: June 07, 2011, 02:33:47 PM »
Herefornow,
He doesn't want to move back until September?
That's forever - as far as the MLCer thinks.  He will change his mind upteen times before then.

If he asks you point blank, respond that you are open to the idea.  Then never bring it up again.  See what he says - more important see what he DOES.

Many MLCer say things (many things) that they never actually DO. 

Try not to worry about it.  If my H wanted to come home - I would, most likely, be willing to try......not sure if our kids would want him home.  But, as Crazy Stuff says - WANTING and DOING are two different things and I don't think I need to worry about that now, anyway.  My H is still trying to get around to thinking about possibly doing some work around our house.  It is a definite maybe that he will do it.

Don't worry about it - herefornow.

Take care,

L
M -58,  ExH - 64 (56 at BD)
M - 33 years (do the last 3 years count?)
D - 28, D -24, S - 24 (only S 24 at home)
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW#3 9/15 (After 4 years)
Seeing OW#1 again
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Offline justasking

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #68 on: June 07, 2011, 03:24:35 PM »
H

Reading your thread although your H sounds as if he still has one foot in replay he may be at the awakening stage. This is the end of replay when they start to look towards home and get some idea about the mess they made, but not all that is kept for later! At this stage he may just be starting to realise that his unhappiness was about him. But he won't be ready for relationship talks yet.

During this time they will talk about the future and lots of conversations of 'us' and 'we'. He may call you his wife and you his husband.

As the awakening continues he should dump OW and move into OW withdrawal and depression proper. BUT sometimes it takes a long time for them to have the strength to break the OW addiction.

If your H is talking about Sept carry on as you are. Follow your intuition and instinct about how to handle him. Then in Sept you will know whether a move home is a possibility or not. Mirror his conversations and validate his feelings and hang on tight! The big dipper isn't finished yet  ::)

xx
Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart.
~ Author Unknown

I get the best feeling in the world when you say hi or even smile at me because I know, even if its just for a second, that I've crossed your mind.
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Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #69 on: June 09, 2011, 09:37:36 PM »
Its late so not sure how much I will get through, but OMG.  OW2 showed up on my doorstep today.  I called H and told him she was here so he was on his way.  Now, I know the thinking is that we should have no contact with OW, but when it is thrust in your face like that not as easy as you would think.  I let her have her 20 minutes.  She went on about how H and she had a special chemistry, that he said he loved her (which he had told me on Sunday), how she had made friends with the guys in his civil war group and how they liked her, and how she had spoke with his mother and sister on the phone.  She acted like she was doing me a favor by telling me how it really is.  Well, we all know that she is a sad and desparate person and this was a last resort at trying to hold onto H by trying to get me to kick him curbside. 

She was gone by the time H got here.  She is driving him back to me.  Not sure how this will play out in the long run, but as of tonight he has his wedding ring back on.  He said tonight that he feels guilty for dragging me through the dirt and said he was sorry.  He misses all the fun we had together.  He said a couple of relavent other things to script, but I'm really tired and can't remember what they were.  I'll get back to them later maybe.

On top of this I had my cancer screeing today and see oncologist tomorrow.  These people are so wrapped in themselves they don't even thing about anyone else having a life.

Brain fried
Goodnight :o
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline limitless

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #70 on: June 09, 2011, 09:48:21 PM »
herefornow,
Wow.  She is really, really desperate.
But, I think you already know that.
You handled yourself very well and you sound calm in your post....that's good.

Hope that all will be okay at the doctors.

Take care and try to get some sleep.

Crazy OW!  That's why they call it an affair down.

Limitless
M -58,  ExH - 64 (56 at BD)
M - 33 years (do the last 3 years count?)
D - 28, D -24, S - 24 (only S 24 at home)
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW#3 9/15 (After 4 years)
Seeing OW#1 again
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions For Newbies
The Mentor Program
Report Technical Problems

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #71 on: June 09, 2011, 11:31:33 PM »
Took a pill for sleep, but its not here yet.  The other think H said is that it was all fine in paradise, but then what?  What happens after it wears off in a few months.  Maybe that infatuation seed did its work ...

Will try for bed again
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline CrazyStuff

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #72 on: June 10, 2011, 12:00:49 AM »
Here, I hope you managed to get some sleep as you will need it to take care of yourself in this madness.      I certainly would not want OW turning up on my doorstep; however, it is things like this that show how messed up these people are.   As for your husband at some point - maybe already - he is going to be wondering how on earth he could have been such an idiot. 

Thinking of you and hope everything works out o.k. at the doctors.

CrazyStuff



Offline Butterfly

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #73 on: June 10, 2011, 04:07:26 AM »
I can't imagine having OW show up on my doorstep. What kind of person could go talk to the wife that way? Really?

Butterfly
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thy own understanding.
1 Corinthians 13:7 Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, it's hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything.

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #74 on: June 10, 2011, 03:29:29 PM »
I can't imagine having OW show up on my doorstep. What kind of person could go talk to the wife that way? Really?

Butterfly

Agreed... I'm not sure what I would do... where I am right now I may just laugh at her and say hahahahahaha you are welcome to him... he's nutso LOL
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.--Carl Bard

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #75 on: June 11, 2011, 05:00:38 AM »
A very early good morning.  Its 4:30 and the birds are chirping.  I was sleeping quite well until a couple of days ago and here I am again up at all hours.

Just wanted to put down a couple of things coming out of H's mouth.  He's still talking about moving.  Was talking about could we move to Ireland and live on his retirement - not.  I'm from England and he's already asked me about moving there and been put right - again not.

He also told me about how he used to help OW with her panic attacks and she would help him through his "stress."  Two very mentally sound people .......   Now, don't you know who probably got the blame for that!!  With the time they had together and looking at the minutes used on the cell (we still have a combined contract) they have done a lot of talking so maybe he got a lot of sh** out of his system on her.

Maybe at this point the blame has shifted to job though I wish it were onto OW.  He did say tonight he was scared of her, but after Thursday's fiasco why wouldn't he be.  He is going around his male friends getting their opinion of the situation and the general consensus so far is she's nuts.  They just don't realize he's nuts as well.  Very good at putting up a sound front my H.

Just so you know that my life still goes on, I'm off to lunch with my Brit ladies today so looking forward to that.  H is going for another man friend opinion session. 

In the evening, I am going to watch H referee football which is one of his teenage moans about me in that I never went to watch him do his stuff.  I always thought it was a man domain and never thought anything of it.  Should I be taking my pom-poms?   Just hope its warm.  We are still barely pushing 70 here in the northwest.  The football field is within walking distance to our house so off I go .....  ???

Oh, one more thing.  I'm off Sunday so I said did he want to take the dogs out.  He was very not impressed.  "I don't know."  Are we back to that again......  Apparently, Sunday is way too far in the future for him to contemplate.  Maybe I'll get a girlie outing in the meantime.

I'll be off back to bed now.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #76 on: June 19, 2011, 10:42:51 PM »
Hello all,

Hope everyone is looking after themselves.  Just thought I'd do some documenting.  Positives are cell phone usage is down by two thirds.  He calls me more often than not though we don't spend a lot of time on the phone.  He was over to stay this weekend and slept on the couch.  Seems to be a lot more comfortable in the house.  Doing things with me on my days off though he seems to pick the stuff he wants to do, but usally its stuff I like to do too so no biggie.

Not so good is that civil war activities, security side job, and some interaction with OW in that context still looms.  He has asked his boss at security job to make sure they are not patrolling together so that is fine but bottom line is that he doesn't seem to care how I feel about it still.  The joy of replay.  He has managed to worm his way into going to another civil war activity.  He did "run it by" me and I said okay.  I didn't react to it.  I have to let it go and what will be will be, but this is not going to be easy.  He still insists OW burned all her bridges by threatening him and coming to the house.  Time will tell.

The other thing I noticed is that he seems to want me to pursue him and is very open about it in his way.  He has always encouraged me to phone him if I need anything and everytime he did this I made sure he was the one to pick up the phone next.  Well, this weekend he said if I couldn't sleep to go join him on the couch.  As it happened, we had had a long day and I had a few beers in me so I just went to bed and stayed there.  What's with this?

Also, he keeps commenting about how he if this doesn't work that he knows he did all he could do.   Also made a comment about just coming back for the dogs.  He was cuddling with one of them at the time.  This is the hard part; having to be the spectator of the wackiness.

Did do some GALing on Friday and went to visit with friend, garage sales, lunch, etc.

Plodding on.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #77 on: June 27, 2011, 12:52:31 AM »
Civil war reenactment with OW#2 was this weekend.  To H's account there was no interaction other than what was necessary to play war.  He didn't stay at the camp as he normally would and was with me during the evening on both nights.  Fortunately, I only really stressed out some the first day and was fine the other 2 days.

Strange thing happened though.  H hurt his ankle refereeing football a week or so.  At his game on Saturday night, he hurt the other ankle and could hardly walk.  He went to the civil war thingy with 2 bad ankles on Sunday and wasn't able to be in the battles.

He came over for an hour on my dinner break from work, and then left to go home.  On the way back home, he called to say he was depressed about his ankles being messed up and was worried about not being able to referee in the playoff games.  He is looking at going to doctor's tomorrow.  He has never used the word depressed to me at all in the past.  He also laid down on the couch and put his head on my lap today.  He has done this off and on all the way through our marriage and apparently he did this as a child.  I'm having a yucky mommy moment as I'm putting this together.  Was this a quick regression into a younger age?

I am also seeing old H shine through as he is back to calling me sweetheart and baby on the phone.  He was supposed to call me after I finished work tonight but didn't and I left well alone.  I think he is really fighting facing up to himself in any way, shape, or form.

He has been a bit more active on cell phone, but I don't think it is OW#2 as they are not mobile to mobile minutes.  Probably filling in his time at home on the phone.  He says he talks to a lot of people.  Another thinking avoidance tactic.  I do see him running.  He's going to join another 2 renacting groups to see him through the winter.  If he makes it back into the house, this winter is going to be challenging to say the least.

I had Friday out with a friend for lunch and shopping.  Just didn't feel like cleaning on my days off this weekend so the dust bunnies are thriving.  Will have to get with it at some point.

Hope everyone's weekend went well.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #78 on: July 06, 2011, 07:20:56 AM »
Hope everyone had a good holiday weekend,

Normally, I love firewords but as a pet owner not so much.  We took the dogs out for the day on the 4th and came home at 11 in the evening.  I felt so bad for my little girl.  She was just so anxious panting and shaking everytime there was a bang.  My poor baby...  The other dog is not bothered in the slightest.

Things moving on just so slightly here.  H has started to look at things for us to do in the near future like college football or theater during the winter months.  On the other hand, he is still very wrapped up in himself and if there is a choice between doing something with me or one of his outside activities on my days off, I don't get a look in but know what is really going on so just go my own way.

H is now mad at his family.  They normally don't call him and he does all the foot work.  He visited them in April for a week and he always picks up the phone to call.  Anyhoo, he heard from them twice and both times was asking for money so now monster is aimed at them, but still very much alive.  For the most part, I have learned how to avoid it but still aware of it just under the surface.

There has definitely been a change to "opposites" with H leading the way and me kind of along for the ride at this point.  I'm better at communicating with him in a more calm manner even though I could just bop him over the head at some of the things he comes out with.

What does worry me about him moving back in are finances.  We never did get a legal separation and have our own agreement about money which we have both stuck to.  In this agreement, he has his own bank account with so much from his income going to that and the rest to the joint bank account for mortgage and bills we have. When he moves back in, he's going to want to have access to the joint account.  I'm guessing at this point as he hasn't indicated that.  So far, the only thing we have come up with in regard to finances is how much we will be keeping out of our respective paychecks for personal use.  He has not been too bad about spending in that he hasn't opened up new accounts or bought big ticket items, but goes through his money like water.  He doesn't have the cards to the joint account as I have them, but September is still looming on the horizon.

He is talking about doing some painting and moving his stuff back in bit by bit and not in a big dramatic move like the way he left with his buddies from work helping him move his stuff out.  If it occurs this way, you won't hear any complaints from me as it was kind of humilating having the guys at my house that day.  Funny, now that we are reconnecting a couple of them have indicated to H their worry about me not wanting anything to do with them.   People are so fickle.

As far as OW#2, it turns out that she was already on the hunt again at the civil war weekend and making the moves on a couple of other guys.  One of them that I know of has a significant other who was there and was NOT amused.  She is the other half of the guy that runs the security company so now OW#2 has been given her marching orders from that as far as H knows for being too "clingy."  Apparently, the other guy she was all over works for the security company as well and complained to his boss about her.  She text H asking him if he had anything to do with it so still well and truly oblivious to her own actions.  Still the drama.

I have a short work week this week as I worked the 2nd and 3rd so only 3 days and I'm off for the weekend.  H and I are going to an antique show down in Portland and cat has to go to vet as there is a lump on his tail.  Hope its benign

Keep well
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #79 on: July 11, 2011, 10:48:25 AM »
Doing some venting here.

MIL was admitted to critical care this weekend and it doesn't look good according to SIL.  H is being left out of loop by SIL who is talking to everyone but him.  H is hot to trot.  I must be mad but if any happens to MIL I am going to Virginia with him.   They were quick to embrace OW back in April so not one of them will be getting any support from me, except H.  I know there is the blood is thicker than water thingy, but everyone's action have a consequence and I've had enough crap off these people for the past 24 years.  I don't know what arrangements she has made, if any, in advance but WE'LL end up paying for the whole thing otherwise.  Last time H talked to her she didn't even have a will, but H won't be looking for anything.  These situations are one of the worst things to go through.  I was hoping she'd be around for at least the next couple of years until H was stronger in the head.  If the worst happens, it will send him over the edge I have no doubt.  Here's keeping fingers crossed for her.......
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #80 on: August 01, 2011, 11:18:55 PM »
Hello to all,

My laptop is broke so haven't been reading threads and articles as much as regular PC is in office and not as comfy.  It will probably end up cheaper to buy a new laptop than get it fixed.

Anyhoo, MIL was in hospital for 5 days and then went home.  H still has not managed to speak with her since she got home so not sure what is going on there.  He is still mad at them for not bothering with his birthday.  Certainly is a catch 22 situation there.

He is still planning on moving back in at the end of September.  Wants to paint a couple of rooms and clear out garage for his stuff.  Now that his semi-pro football season is over and he has some more time we will see.  Of course, I can tell that my input is not appreciated.  I have tested the water a couple of times with mirroring his plans and he just mumbles at me when I say anything about it.  It all has to come from him.

He is back to sleeping in our bedroom now when he stays overnight which might be 1 or at most 2 nights a week.  Still not intimate.  Counseling is very slow.  He does not want to talk about this stuff, but since it was his suggestion I felt I had to follow through with what I had said before he left many moons ago (it seems).  If he is taking anything in, it will be a long while before I recognize it I think.  He just wants to pick a date and put it all behind us, but no date picked yet.

We have been for days out and a couple of evenings with his work mates.  We also have a camping trip coming up this weekend with his work mates.  There is still not any future talk from either of us really.  We do talk about upcoming events we would like to see such as concerts, theater, and such but not much of relationship stuff other than the 2 counseling sessions we have had.  Saying that, the man tells me everytime he talks to me that he loves me.  He has always been like this through our marriage so part of old H peeking through there.  Also, he is using "our" again like "our house" even though he is not living here.  He has fallen asleep on the couch a couple of times also so sliding back into things in baby steps.  He does still tap at the door before coming in though so still a mixture of old and MLC H I guess.

I got the okay from my CT scan and the last of my enlarged lymph nodes has gone so am officially NED.  Its hard sharing good news like this with your H and them not jumping for joy at the fact that you are still cancer free.  Talk about not feeling appreciated.

Still going out with the girls once a week.  Had a girly night out a couple of weeks ago that I totally enjoyed.  Oh to have a daytime job, but shouldn't moan.  I love summer evenings.

Let me tell you, this is a slow process.  In many ways, the man has absolutely no interest in anything but himself but he did take the time to find me a new side table on Craig's list, went and bought it for me, and brought it to the house all in one evening.  Its things like that that keep me going.

Bye for now

M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #81 on: September 13, 2011, 12:13:21 AM »
Hello again,

Can't believe its been 6 weeks since I posted almost.  H gave notification for moving out of his apartment and back into the house.  One room got painted.  He is still running.  He has resigned from civil war reenacting and has joined the Elks.  At least they have stuff we can do together.  He has a big emphasis on not being able to be really active in a couple of years because of joint problems so he keeps trucking on.

I am having nothing to do with him moving back in.  All I get to do is help arrange garage at my end to make room to put his extra stuff until we can have a dump run.  I have been no where near his apartment.  He is staying over here more often and feeling the pull towards home.  He left on his own; he can get back on his own.

Interestingly, he has made comments about me not having to work anytime I moan about my job.  Won't be going down that road again unless I'm fired or laid off.  Still working swing shift.

Still don't talk much about future and taking 1 day at a time.  Went to counseling 3 times so far, but last sesstion was bad.  He has done better with book that was recommended to us and has read it through.  I'm not to enthused about going back to counseling now as I don't think it will serve any purpose at this point.

So basically just been plodding on.  Haven't been putting pressure on him too much though can't help but take a step back every now and then.  I do think that only having a limited amount of time with each other during this past few months has broken us in slow to each others lives again and at the same time has given him some time for self reflection.

Dogs seem happy!!! 



 
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline justasking

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #82 on: September 13, 2011, 07:24:36 AM »
HFN

Your situation sounds as if it is slow but surely in the right direction. It's good to hear your insight into this part of the process.

You sound as if you are able to give him his space to continue on his journey even though he spends more and more time at home.

They took months to leave so I suppose they will take months and months to truly reconnect.

xx
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Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #83 on: October 09, 2011, 06:15:13 PM »
Time to buckle in again.

No sooner than H had got his stuff moved back in when MIL passed away.  She had been in hospice care for about 2-3 weeks.  He was a momma's boy so the next 6 months or so will probably be his worst I would imagine.

I did not go to his family in Virginia because of their embrace of OW2 without batting an eyelid.  I couldn't guarantee that I would be able to keep my mouth shut in the presence of so we decided that it would be better if I didn't go, that and finances/animals.  He left on Saturday and will be back on Tuesday.  Again, he is putting on a brave face.  He is the same as he was when his dad and sister passed away.  I don't get it.  It must be hard to keep all that emotion in.  I'm not looking forward to the day when that pot boils over.  For now, he's still simmering.......
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline LosingHope

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #84 on: October 10, 2011, 06:18:45 AM »
You sound so good and in control of your own life. Hope I can get there!
These next few weeks will be very tough but you seem to have your S*&^ together.
LosingHope

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I may not understand your ways. I may not understand the reasons why.
I just have to trust your ways.
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Offline Millvina

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #85 on: October 10, 2011, 09:48:57 AM »
HFN

Sorry to hear about your MIL.

I've just been catching up on your thread since I am fairly new to this board and all the reading takes so long!

I hope things are not too difficult for you when H returns, sounds like you are being very realistic about the situation. Please keep posting and let us know how its going.

M x

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #86 on: November 13, 2011, 10:53:52 PM »
Hello to all,

Its a year this week since BD.  H got his stuff sorted out somewhat.  He set up his man cave and seems set to be in there a lot.  Does'nt take much to ruffle his feathers, but I'm kind of simmering the same way.   What is really strange is that when he got his man cave set back up, it was almost a double of our living room here at home.  Bet OW2 got a shock when she dropped in on me that day in June; of course, I had no idea at the time.  I'm still being tested as to my true feelings for him.  In his case, he wants to kiss and cuddle in public like a couple of teenagers which is not bad but in the middle of the supermarket is the testing site of choice for him.  I'm also expected to tell him I love him 10 times a day.  I know this is where I'm lacking and trying not to slip back into old habits.  When they're gone and you do the looking within, you think you get a handle on it but following through after talking to the mirror for so long it not easy.  I am doing fine with anger management considering, but the affection department is where I am sadly lacking; hence, the testing.  I can see him retiring into his cave for a while.  He bought a new futon so he'll be more comfortable in there.  He's had a lot going on these past few months, and now that things have slowed down he is starting to ruminate I think.  Its worrying.

Had a good day out with my friend shopping on Friday, went to lunch with her, and then out with H that night for a couple of drinks.  Great to be out of the house for a while.  Still working swing shift at home.   :-\


M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #87 on: November 22, 2011, 11:18:10 PM »
Had a little hiccup yesterday.  H had opened his Facebook up again and OW2 took that as an invitation to contact him.  In his defense, he did not know about it until I told him.  So, I took it upon myself to reply to her and asked "Are you really that desperate."  This gave H the push he needed to change his cell number and get a new email address for Hotmail.  Unfortunately, it set me back somewhat in that I got really angry at H and so he in turn got mad at me.  Last night was very strained, but better by the time he went to bed tonight somewhat.  OW just keeps on giving.  If he has had any contact with her I don't know, he says not.  Tomorrow is another day. :o
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #88 on: November 27, 2011, 07:19:16 AM »
Here's a new one,

H and I were out at dinner last night.  I made a comment on how he keeps saying I yell at him when I'm really not at the time.  I did yell about FB and Ow2 a couple of days ago, but other than that have not been.  He has said this a few times over the past 2 weeks enough that I now stand up and take notice.  Here's the kicker, he said "you yell at me with your eyes."  I'm sorry, but I had a little giggle to myself.  There was a time when this would have wounded me badly, but not today.  I do wonder if this is guilt or if he is regressing.  Apparently, I now have to keep my thoughts to myself and keep my eyes closed at the same time!!  Had a nice evening otherwise.  H came up with an answer on how much to spend on each other at Christmas.  Still seeing some very teenager mentality.  Still very secretive in his thoughts and not sharing much of himself, but to be expected at this point I suppose.  Just as a side note, OW1 is getting back with her husband (who is H's coworker and friend).  I asked him what he would do if her H wants us to socialize with them.  H said that we would.  I think what he thinks he saw as anger in my eyes was just pure exasperation now that I think on it.  I didn't believe what I was hearing.  I'll deal with that when it happens.  To quote him "she didn't do anything wrong."

The lunacy continues .......

M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline CrazyStuff

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #89 on: December 02, 2011, 12:00:24 PM »
Herefornow, I haven't been around much recently due to some family things so I missed you coming back into the forum.   I think we worked out before that you have a clinging boomerang; however, I am a little confused.   Is he living nearby or at home?   How do you see your situation now, i.e., are you now 'officially' working on your marriage with OW out of the picture?   

The reason I asked is that Shantilly has started a thread where reconnection / reconciliation situations can be seen in one place with links to the individual threads.  It is one of the main stickies. 

I know clinging boomerang's are hard to keep up with and may leave/return on a number of occasions; however, if you & your husband are working on your marriage - together - then we should add it to the other stories. 

CrazyStuff

Offline Flowerpower

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #90 on: December 04, 2011, 10:39:12 AM »
HFN,

I have only just caught up with your thread.....I see some similarities btw our sitch....our H's seem to be back and reconnecting, yet not??!! Or at least that's what's happening to me....do you see it as that too, please correct me if I'm wrong....

Huggs,
Fp
this too will pass

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #91 on: December 04, 2011, 10:32:28 PM »
Hey CS and FP.

H has been back in the house for 2 months.  As of today, I found out he has reverted back to texting.  He did this around time of moving out and then stopped when OW2 came on scene.  He has talked to OW1 about any information he may or may not have about her H, but how often I don't know.  OW1 and her H are definitely back in the sack, but not living in the same house.

I have heard that it gets worse before it gets better or they revisit past behaviors so not sure what is going on here.  He says he wants a future with me, but is still acting out.  We are officially supposed to be working on it, but he is still in replay so obviously we have different ideas of what that means.  Throw into that the fact that his mother died just right around the time we had arranged for him to move back in, so who knows what is going on in that head.  Monster is still lingering around under the surface and I'm getting tired.  Tired of the lies and tired of the secrecy.  I get his time when we are both off work and in general home life is fairly calm as long as I don't dig too much, but things are moving at a snail's pace if at all.  The hard part is being on the sidelines while they work through this stuff.  I did get the urge to throw a few truth darts today, but not in a fire breathing monster type of way which is a step forward for me.  I can understand why MCLers think there is no fixing this, I wonder about that myself on days like today.  I feel like I'm chasing my own tail at this point or am I just dizzy watching him chase his????:-\

M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline Flowerpower

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #92 on: December 07, 2011, 09:43:58 AM »
HFN,
He says he wants a future with me, but is still acting out.  We are officially supposed to be working on it, but he is still in replay so obviously we have different ideas of what that means. 

Ok, this sounds like a good analysis of what's happening....it sounds like your H wants to come back, but can't.....( can't to him, won't to us ).....it sounds familiar.....my H has done this a couple of times....althou we did not really have too many R talks ( he didn't initiate, and I didn't push for one), it was more or less what happened in my sitch. He can't becos the addiction is still strong.....

In the early days when I used to snoop on his phone, they would have texts that went.....'if I have to text you, you must not reply'  :o :o ::) But they were full of 'I miss you's etc etc.....still horribly fresh in my mind.......so of course OW the wh0r^ has done nothing wrong..... ::)

I've been reading the forum to find similarities in other stories.....if OW is still in the picture, you are right to say he is still in replay.....and there is a chance that he will leave again.....I guess what we are doing is probably paving the way.....no expectations would be a good motto to have.....just my 2 cents....

Huggs,
Fp
this too will pass

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #93 on: December 07, 2011, 11:35:40 PM »
FP

I asked him straight out if he was thinking of leaving again and his reply was "I'm not thinking of anything."  Kind of sums the whole thing up :( 

I did tell him if he was in contact with OW, we probably didn't have much of a future together but it was just said as an observation and not a threat in any way and that is when he said he wanted a future with me.

I haven't seen any texts, I just saw 300 to 400 listed on phone usage when paying bill so asked him who on earth he was texting.  I don't think you should keep quiet about everything, that just makes for doormat behavior.  I think when they move back in the house you lose a certain amount of the detachment that was built up while they were gone.  I have to work at getting back to where I was in September.

We are going to a Christmas dinner this weekend and serving meals at the veterans home also, so a busy weekend.

I looked at your new thread, seems to me your H has some action going on in his head with the books. My H is showing no indication of looking inward at all.  He did say he had thought about throwing himself under a bus while he was out of the house, but didn't because I wouldn't get the life insurance :o  Manipulation there big time is what I thought at the time. 

Its one day at a time.  All we can do is keep breathing ....
 8)
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline Flowerpower

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #94 on: December 12, 2011, 05:08:16 PM »
HFN,

I asked him straight out if he was thinking of leaving again and his reply was "I'm not thinking of anything."  Kind of sums up the whole thing  :(


Yep, that really does sums it all up! Well, I think OW addiction is still very strong. They can't shake it off.... At one stage my H said that OW was the only one who understood n stood by him. I simply told him that I'm still here aren't I? I was getting tired of it all, n since words did not seem to thru his thick skull, maybe actions would.

You r right with setting good boundaries, we dont want to live our lives worrying about the texts n the calls......it's a fine line btw paving the way n cake eating.......

Tks for reading my thread..... my H has not said he wanted to come home, but he is nonetheless. He is really trying, but I do see positive changes in him as a person....I don't think he sees OW physically anymore, texting, IDK.  :-\

Huggs, one day at a time.
Fp
this too will pass

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #95 on: December 21, 2011, 09:05:36 AM »
Hello to all,

Just a few lines before I go out to tackle the crowds shopping for H.

Something very telling happened at veterans dinner.  When we got there, we were to get dinner and take it to them, cut up food if they needed help, and such.  H TOTALLY FREAKED OUT.  Would not go near the vets.  He attached himself to the drinks cart and would not move.  He is on the Elks vets committee so I was really shocked.  Guess he had old age and infirmity truly slapped in his face.  What was he expecting??

We also got into a huge fight about I don't know what and he threatened to leave so I just said "That's your perrogative.  I can't make you stay.  We'll have to do something about the house."  He calmed down.  He said that he thought he had done too much damage for us to get through.  After this, I got a grip and am back at as much of a detached state as I can muster.  If he gets snippy, I walk out the room.  A couple of nights I have just got up and announced "I'm going to bed" and left the room.  Anger still very much below the surface, also withdrawal, and secrecy in keeping his inner most thoughts from me.  All to be expected at this point I guess.  He is NOT interested in any type of in-depth talks about anything still.  I asked if he thought about his mother (she passed away in October) and he said no so he's still totally emotionally numb at this point.

That being said, as long as I don't push life is pretty calm so now that I'm over MY need to know for now hopefully we'll have a peaceful Christmas and New Year.

Here's wishing everyone a happy and peaceful Christmas.
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #96 on: January 10, 2012, 12:25:51 AM »
Hi all,

So Christmas and New Year went okay though when we went out New Year's Eve H was not a happy chappy.  It was written all over his face.  He was watching the "old folks" dancing and asked "is this all there is?"  Pretty much had a sad face all night.

He has made a new bunch of friends at the Elks.  Another avoidance tactic I think as obviously his mask really works with these new friends.  At home, he is very withdrawn and I do think he has come to the place again where he is deciding if he wants to stay or go again.  I'm so grateful that I can recognize this stuff thanks to this site.  I'm no where near the person I was last time as far as reacting.  This cycle seems to be not so intense as last year.  He is not "partying" per se and more just hanging out.  I also go with him when work allows so I have gotten to know these folks as well, but they are closer to H.  The other difference is that he isn't sitting drinking in his cave when he is in there alone and not on the computer half the night every night.  What is the same is his not wanting to have much interaction with me.  Its all still very superfiicial.  I kind of feel like an accessory right now.  It still doesn't take much to bring monster out.  Does this sound familiar!!!!  This is life with replay man.   I am now 14 months from BD.

Another OW2 story came to light the other night.  Apparently, she and her H got into a fight and it got violent.  From what H says they got into a big argument and she kicked him in the in gens, then he turns around and back slaps her, and she kicks him in the gens again.  So now OW2's H has moved out.  The kicker is that her H wants to talk it out with my H.  My H is now screening his calls and is avoiding him.  I think this turn of events scared the crap out of him and he has a HUGE amount of guilt still not dealt with regarding this particular situation.  This OW is a nutcase.  I think if I had lost my temper when she showed up on my doorstep I might have been beaten to a pulp and she is twice the size of me.  I'm a little shorty.

So right now some of my GALing is when I go out with H, which is a bit strange.  I spend my time talking to the girls and dancing (was doing the chicken dance a couple of nights ago) and H sits around chatting with various people.  What is sad is that we have our 25th wedding anniversy next month and no plans for doing anything to even acknowledge it.  If I had made plans to go somewhare H would have gone along with it, but at this point it doesn't feel like anything to celebrate.  I am taking a couple of days off work, but will probably end up just vegging out with my thoughts and catching up with friends.  It will end up being a 4 day weekend.  I only had 2 vacation days off last year and now have 13 days on the books.  I am tired. 







M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #97 on: January 19, 2012, 03:09:24 PM »
Just a quick funny.  We are snowed in for 2 days now and will probably be again tomorrow.  H has not been out of the house in all this time and is a caged animal.  Must be a fate worse than death being stuck in here with me ......
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline Hope4Tomorrow

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #98 on: January 19, 2012, 09:16:44 PM »
HFN-

Enjoy the snow....  don't know how much rest you will get with MLCer in the house while you are snowed in??  That sounds like the "fate worse than death" to me!

You sound like you are doing well with his cycling and detaching yourself.  Hang on tight, it sounds like he still has a very long way to go.

Take care,

H4T

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Just checking back in
« Reply #99 on: February 07, 2013, 09:43:18 AM »
Hello again,
Been looking at board on and off and it looks busy as usual I'm sorry to say. 

Thought I'd give just a quick update.  H still at home and shows signs of slowing down at long last.  Something gave around Christmas.  H has started to talk about us retiring to UK and he probably won't retire for another 14 years.  We went to UK in September and H was very attentive to family; went very smoothly.  Right now, it seems his acting out is with other people and not me.  Its like he is living teenage rebellion years with these people and they are now the enemy.  I'm just an observer.  Feels to me like he is very low energy right now.  We don't go out as much and he is not wanting to be on the go all the time.

I do still feel he has not faced himself, but has definitely been thinking back there in his cave.  I still get blame thrown at me from time to time but things have calmed down in that regard as well.

It is over 2 years since BD. 

Moving forward and hopefully upward
Herefornow

« Last Edit: February 07, 2013, 10:07:55 AM by OldPilot »
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #100 on: February 07, 2013, 10:09:16 AM »
Welcome back, I brought your old thread back to life, is that OK?

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Still learning
« Reply #101 on: April 06, 2013, 04:43:14 AM »
It's 4 o'clock in the morning and as soon as I start typing H comes in to see why I'm up.  Radar.  Past couple of days have been different.  H said to me yesterday that he has many issues with himself.  He also took himself off and got himself not 1 but 2 counselors.  His idea.  It was a shock to me.  He couldn't wait for the first guy so got in today with another.  I wonder what this will produce in the big picture if anything.  He comes back from counselor today who says that H has his head "all over the place."  Like that is news to me.  I'm kind of nervous and not nervous at the same time.  Its 2-1/2 years from BD.  Hanging in there.   :-\
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline HerefornowTopic starterTopic starter

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Regrets
« Reply #102 on: February 24, 2017, 09:51:31 PM »
Hello again, 
I have not posted for a while but wanted to share this event.  Husband came back in 2011 and never would work through what happened in earnest and not accepting any responsibility on his behalf. 
He kept busy with outside activities to keep from going within. 
Then, all of a sudden last year, he came out of his hibernation in his room and dismantled his TV, DVR, and such.  On valentine's day, he gave me a card that said he has made a lot of mistakes and has regrets, but that marrying me was not one of them. 
I have a therapist who I have been working with for about 15 months and will be working through this with him. 
I have to say this to me is a sign that there at last has been some movement, which I honestly thought was never going to happen this far out. 
Plodding on.



Edit - All threads merged - OP
« Last Edit: February 25, 2017, 06:26:11 AM by OldPilot »
M 55
H 52
M 30 years
B/D  11/2010
Moved out 1/2011
Moved back 10/2011

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Regrets
« Reply #103 on: February 24, 2017, 09:58:59 PM »
This sounds like good news. I hope it continues. Meanwhile, keep on taking care of yourself. It can be very stressful when they start showing signs of awakening.

Offline tothestars

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Re: Regrets
« Reply #104 on: February 24, 2017, 10:24:30 PM »
I love reading this kind of news.  It gives those of us early in the process some hope for the future.  Best wishes to you on this new journey!  Keep us updated! 
Me: 41
Ex H: 45

MLC started 2013-2014. BD x3 Jan-March 2017. EA confirmed.
He’s playing house with his much younger girlfriend and raising her kids while I am out living life on my Harley! 
PROUDLY AND HAPPILY DIVORCED

Offline BlueBird3

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Re: Regrets
« Reply #105 on: February 25, 2017, 06:03:21 AM »
I'm new to this.....but I'm with tothestars.....I love hearing this kind of news  :). Good luck!!

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Just checking back in
« Reply #106 on: February 25, 2017, 07:42:50 AM »
Right now, it seems his acting out is with other people and not me.  Its like he is living teenage rebellion years with these people and they are now the enemy.  I'm just an observer. 

I am relatively new here but I want to thank you for updating your thread with your latest. It shows there is hope even far down the line.

i just thought the above comment you made was very interesting and if you have the opportunity to expand more on your experience with this, I would appreciate it. My husband is doing the same with OW. I don't see the worst of him, she does. She's not the enemy per se but she is the one he is acting aggressive and belligerent and controlling toward, not me. He's not totally normal with me but he is definitely better behaved.
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

 

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