[Christina13]

Thanks Thunder and Denjef.
It's hard to not let your mind run off . I'm so hung up on the idea he loves her. Why else would he abandon us.
I'm glad you had a great night with your H Denjef. I'm praying one day I will again , too.

[Nas]

Denjef, my H sent me divorce papers a few weeks ago and stopped paying support until I sign them.
There are some errors that need to be changed and I have been contacting him via email to get him to work with me on it..
He also has to file these. I can't because I just moved to a new state and don't meet residency requirements. So he has to do it.

He will not respond to me. I thought maybe he was avoiding because he was afraid to deal with me being upset or angry so I even at one point threw in a little corny joke. I have been so nice in my emails to him, not a doormat but definitely extremely nice to the point I have had to swallow my pride.

I just am so frustrated that he will not communicate with me, period. Wondering if you have any thoughts on this.
(He's been living with OW for at least a few months now. He moved away to be with her in June but long distance affair had been going on for over a year before that.)

[Absolutely Fabulous]

My3 Girls,

What you mean by flagging? Anyway if she is coming to your page checking to see what you are doing is another indication all is not well in her bubble. Happy and I love people don't go snooping, but people are jealous or in fear do. I know it's hard but you must accept she can and probably will do this because she feels threatened by you.

Unless she is threatening you I would just try to ignore it all. You can't let her think for a second anything she does bother you because if you do she will definitely ramp up her efforts to get under your skin.

I wouldn't mention it to H either, you really have to show them both they don't scare, or control you.when she doesn't get a rise out of you she will stop and she may try's different tactic.

Denjef31

Sorry, the flags for all the countries that view your blog are in the Statistics section of my site for my Wordpress blog. I should have explained that a little better.

I figured out that she felt threatened the day she went out with my OD and Ex on my last birthday and posted it on FB tagging my OD FIRST. Expressing her thanks for all of her friends joining her for her pre-birthday celebration. I spend a hot 5 minutes on the phone with my OD that day, and she spent the entire day with them both. Made sure to post it early enough for it to get back to me. So, I didn't react. I responded with post about spring being my favorite time of year, and it was a really positive blog post. I'm not a jealous person, I figured by then, he was her problem.

She's done other things, but I don't sweat it. The military would call her a "3 bagger". Translation: one unattractive chick. She doesn't bother me, would have if she'd had been younger, not older than the EX. I actually feel sorry for her. If a married man with 3 kids and no real future is the best she can do? More power to her.

I'll let you know what happens on Friday, that's when he's supposed to arrive. Called the girls today, and actually asked MD about her plans for college next year. Longer than usual conversation. Will see how things turn out.

Thanks Denjef, you're a gem. Just know that you have support here, and the fact that you've been so open with us all is a blessing. Hope it's helping in your healing as well.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Christina13,

Try to remember that the love your husband feels for the ow is the same love the alcoholic feels for the alcohol and the addict feels for the heroin. It's a sick compulsion.

[Christina13]

Trying to MBIB ,
H also was using drugs. I'm not sure about now because I don't see him enough.
Woke up really missing him. But we aren't suppose to tell them ? I remember Denjef saying that when your H was needy it made you feel like he was weak and you pushed him further away ?
What is the balance of being kind and honest as opposed to needy. Saying I really miss you today , is that wrong ?

[xyzcf]

Hi Christina13

Saying I really miss you today , is that wrong ?

In MLC, things that seem to be "normal" such as telling a loved one that you miss them is not seen by them in the caring way that we intend it to be.

To them, this feels like pressure on them and they cannot tolerate pressure. It puts stress on them for they do not know what to say back to you, nor may they feel the same (aka they do not miss you) and thus that adds to their confusion and the feeling that we are pressuring them.

There isn't a right or wrong way of doing things.....for most of our actions will not have any effect on their crisis. Trying to figure out what is right or wrong can be very tiring and depressing.

An image is sometimes used for the LBSer to take their love for their spouse, but it in a box and place to on a shelf high above, for some time later when they get through the tunnel and are capable of receiving our love.

While they are in crisis, staying far away from them, giving them space and not pursuing them gives them the possibility of perhaps resolving their crisis in time.

It is a very hard thing to do. I am sorry that it is such a painful way to interact with someone that we care so deeply about.

[Roma]

Hi DenJef,

First I'l give you a little background. My H is a bit unusual. He is a Wallower who clings to me. His A was that he thought he had a crush of a woman in a picture, hence no A. H crisis seems to be milder than many I've read on. H's been in MLC maybe 3 - 4 years and seems to be coming out of Replay and was in Limbo for a while yet now seems to be entering Liminality as the fog seems to be lifting and maybe has hit Rock Bottom. He never left and we have been together the whole time, as he just won't let go of me..

H has been really acting up recently, spewing pretty bad at me which is very unusual for him. I've read a whole lot on MLC and read at some point I am supposed to be absolutely silent. Is that true when he is in Liminality? Also, H told me that his depression and anxiety have really gotten worse lately and has been withdrawing from his normal activities. I'm at a loss of what I should or shouldn't do. Do I just not say anything and let him fall? Wont he see that as me being mean and turning my back on him? Should I suggest things to take to help his anxiety and depression that he asked me for? I really don't know what to do. No, I've never pressured begged or pleaded with him. I'm just unsure what I should do. Thanks in advance for your advice.

[Christina13]

Thanks xyzcf,
I just don't know how to be around him. The fact he's been with ow a year now but kept being with me up until a few months ago makes me question his supposed love for her.
 I don't want to look weak. But I don't want to look like I don't care. Sorry Denjef , not trying to hijack your thread. Just struggling. It feels like a game I don't want to play. I miss my h.

[Roma]

I meant  to say I have a live - in H who is a Wallower. Just really trying to figure out how to interact or not interact with him while he goes through Liminality and when he asks me what to do about his worsening anxiety and depression.

Thanks again.

[1trouble]

The fact he's been with ow a year now but kept being with me up until a few months ago makes me question his supposed love for her.
 

Christina

This is not 'love' its a high.....no matter what your H says, if he is in crisis its a 'high' he is getting from the OW, its a dopamine rush.....he is incapable of feeling love, because he feels nothing at all, he is numb, dead emotionally........

But he needs this high because that mistakenly makes him think he is feeling something believe me.............

if he reaches out to you from time to time its because the fog is less dense and he gets in touch with this feelings a little, then the fog comes in again and he is numb.............

Your H is infatuated with the H/OW and this takes time to fall apart.............At the beginning the pull home and to the 'new' life and OW is equal then as time goes on it becomes stronger to the 'new' life.................BUT it changes it really does.............as time goes on the infatuation hormones are not so strong and the highs are not so high and the depression is more, it really is a drug......believe me I know, my H was a coke addict the addiction to the OW is very similar I am seeing it........ I am nearly 2 years into this with a crazy OW and I can see my H slowly slowly coming out of this......I can see the hold OW has very slowly breaking down...he is in contact a little more (I haven't updated my thread) but he is slowly making contact.....its time Christina and that time is your life ticking away and so you need to make the best of every day and let him get on with his journey and make sure you dont waste a day of your life while he is xx