[Anjae]

You rushing us or forcing us into something we are not ready for. The cycling is our fear of what would it could happen.

Interestingly, at least with some MLCers, this includes divorce. The divorce the MLCer has said they are dying to get. When the LBS is at a point a divorce is needed and/or wanted, and the MLCer becomes aware of it (regardless LBS lawyer, or LBS directly), the MLCer often is not really ready for it.

Then a lot of craziness and obstruction can follow. And cycling of all sorts. For me it is fascinating how long time MLCers like Mr J would poorly react every time their LBS was serious about divorce. Even if said MLCers may be living with OW/OM for many years.

Do MLCers truly fear that must to lose the LBS even endless years down the road? Even when there is practically nothing to fear?

[xyzcf]

After a year of many contacts and time spent together, and in no way did I talk about our relationship nor pursue him, I was "available" when he contacted me and left that up to him and since it has been 7 years, I thought maybe he was getting through the tunnel...but not to be....because I discovered that he's still in touch with OW and confronted him...he said "xyzcf you cannot force anything".

In no way shape or form was I forcing him to have any of the contacts and communications with me over the last year...but it seems to me, that even his initiating contact with me, in his mind he is seeing this as pressure...so back to square one.

[No expectations]

Oh Xyz,

I'm so sorry.  That just really hurts me, for you. 

[xyzcf]

Thank you No expectations...it is better for me to know..because my boundary is that there is no contact with me if there is any relationship with OW...I believe in our marriage, I believe he is in crisis but that I will NOT tolerate and had he been "honest" (truly an oxymoron for MLCers) I would not have been in contact with him.

The darn thing is, I always find out..I don't snope, never have but I always find out.

[No expectations]

I'm actually thinking about that boundary as well.  I am okay giving my H time and space to work through whatever he needs to, but he is making a choice to continue with OW, possibly others.  Just spoke w IC/MC about this today.  For now, I'm okay, but seriously considering that.

[Watcher]

My W spoke to me 2 weeks ago and she displayed an awareness for what is happening. First, she has an air of arrogance and told me straight out that I am not divorcing her. If you were going to Watcher then you would have done it already.

She's the one that wanted one for 8 months. I have never brought it up. Now she wants the marriage but willingly admits that she is not ready to work on it.

I need more time Watcher. Obviously she is aware of her treatment of me and maybe a bit of panic is setting in. She is choosing to stay in the tunnel. I'm always amazed though, when she can pop out to deliver a message after 3 months of NC.

[Keep believing]

Watcher,
My h has said the same thing. He said I will never d him. That really gets to me. Does he think I am that weak.? My h has been in this for a long time. Startnig in 2011-2012. Actually bomb was march 2014 , h leaving in june 2014.  I also beleive at this time h is choosing to stay in the tunnel. I quit drinknig 2.5 years ago. H needs to too.  That could be his first change at this if he wanted to . If he does quit, he would have to give up bagpipes which is his only group of friends that dont judge him.  H knows he has a problem and he even suggested anitdepressants. He knows what he needs to do but just doesnt. The path of least resistantance it what i beleive he is "choosing" at this time. I also beleive the ow has lost alot for the relationship with my h that he is probably being emotionally blackmailed along with the fact that he gave up alot to be with her.
I think that his pride is holding him there to try and prove he made the right decision. I dont think there is any hope for my h to get out of this.
A couple months ago , i thought h was coming out of his mess but something is holding him from it. He says he misses the normalcy of family life.  But i guess not enough to change or want that back.
My father mlc lastest forever. He lived with my mom and had ow in another state for 20 + years. ( which my h hated) Maybe my h thinks i will do that even after numerous times of telling him i wont. So it has been long enough for me. We have a court date for feb. 7 . We will be d. I dont want it but i also wont live like my mom and wait forever. I am a very independant woman who got her life back .he is holding me down. I have let that go. I have forgiven him. I now understand what that means in the sense to forgive for myself. I truly do feel pity for my h . He lost everything.  He had his own business, cars, nice kids , good family( exrtened also) a wife who got her $h!te together. ( oddly enough my son26 agreed with me on this the other day , he also sees how h messed up his life and what he gave up )
like i said h knows what he would need to do to change but chooses not to. Qutiitnf drinknig alone clears up the fog. I also beleive h doesnt want to feel and see all the damage he has caused. He will always be living in chaos.
Sorry i thought i was done, but h has said too that his whole life has been chaos.
Which it has. And sometimes i do wonder if he ends up with ow then maybe he will find peace. She has put up with so many lies from h . I think she will put up with anything. He will be able to live a single life with her and yet have her when neeeded. In his mind i bleieve he knows i will move on and find someobe i desreve. In his mind he has gone too far.   Yes i beleive i have one of those. 

[Keep believing]

One other thing, h has been traveling for work for 2.5 years . He lives at his parents ( sleeps at ow sometimes) but ironically h is not traveling for the next 3 months while his parents are in florida. He did this last year. And i will not put up with it this year. Thats the other reason i am pushing this d.  Ow is in this town which disgusts me. Mlc might be on their terms but i have terms of my own. Once d , i will not look back. Only forward.

[Christina13]

Hi Denjef,
I'm really struggling today. My H has been all over the place. He filed for D but had never served me. He would come around and be ok but monster in text and email. He refuses to talk to me now.. Two weeks ago he said it was over with ow and would be coming around more. Then the next day monster returned.
He was just here yesterday and was drinking beer on the couch. Today he says he will not visit with me here and is picking them up. He is now using ow lawyer and is being a monster. He's pushing forward the D now. Giving me ultimatums and telling me I can not call or text him. I'm so hurt and confused. He is all over the place. He thinks he will live his life with ow.
I know you said you finally pushed for s divorce from your h. Did OM push you into it ? Did you ever regret it ? It's like one day passes and he's sure now and being just awful to me. Tells me to stop texting him how he's hurt me and the kids or he will file an order of protection. He left a twenty year marriage with no explanation. Just blaming. No remorse. It's my fault he cheated. Says it's not why he's leaving. He threw divorce around once then took it back. Continued to sleep with me and said he would continue if I was on board with him leaving.
Now he says he's not attracted to me and we will never be together again. And that he will never be attracted to me again. Did you think this with your H ?
I'm in an awful place. Even using her lawyer. Hurt me even more.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Denjef, need your opinion.

Xh will be arriving back in the state tomorrow. The kids haven't heard from him in days. Not sure what that's all about. So how do you think we should handle the situation? He's acting like nothing has changed when it comes to the kids. Like he's never lost touch with them. Strange... Just wondering do you have any possible scenarios for me to consider? Any insight would be helpful.