[denjef31]

In my own thread I disclosed in MLC I divorced my husband. Yep I was dead set on it and I finally wore him down to get one. I thought divorcing him I would feel better living in my sin. OM was a propeller but not the sole reason for my actions. So as such once the infactuation fog ended I no longer felt the same about OM. It wasn't the end but I was no longer captivated by him. I could see more clearly. My true feelings I had been suppressing started to resurface.

I know a lot of you think if your spouse divorce you it's over, but it's not. True love doesn't die the feelings are hidden. I divorced my H and we were barely talking as I wanted nothing to do with him, and now it is me fighting for my marriage and his MLC.

Denjef31

[Keep believing]

What was denjef own thread name? Could someone attach ir please?

[Never say never]

Den,

You are that pillar of strength that keeps all of us strong and fighting for our marriage.  Your story is so beautiful and it is one that must have a happy ending.  You have put too much into the marriage and God sees what you are doing for all of us. 

You are an amazing woman and the fact that you are reliving your MLC for all of us LBSes in cyber-world is nothing short of incredible.  I am hoping and praying for a fairytale ending for you, Den.

[Dew]

Thx this has really helped. It has me crying that I know what's wrong with him, yet I can't help him as you so clearly state.

[denjef31]

KeepBelieving,

My first thread was titled so lonely and confused. That was my first thread where I introduced myself, and synopsis of my story which also disclosed I divorced my H and he stood for 3 years while I had my MLC. I didn't call it in MLC I called it depression because that is what my counselor and psychiatrist  called it. I know now what I was doing was not what people do who are suffering regular depression. I don't talk much about it in my thread I just stated my history.

My thread you will see a lot of cycling, trying to understand as I didn't know what I did or what H was/is doing was the same insidious thing. After noticing the similarities, reading the articles I saw so much of myself in them that it literally made me sick. I gave my H the I love you but speech, he then gave me the I love you but speech, he bought a motorcycle, he withdrew, he did a lot of back and forth which I now know is cycling. Crying telling me no one compares to me while leaving, I could see he was struggling and fighting something.

Coming here, reading the articles gave me a name to what I truly had suffered from, and what my H is suffering thru. It took me 3 totals years to come thru it and I am completely changed. I no longer seek attention from other men to validate me or make me feel desired or loved. I only want that from my H. I couldn't tell you how huge that is for me as I have always was an attention seeker and I think that stems from my childhood and what I was not getting as a child.

I will say there was only one OM that I truly crossed the line with, but again I was an attention seeker for a very long time possibly almost the whole time I was married. I had given my number to numerous men thinking I could maintain a friendly platonic relationship. I was not seeking an emotional or physical affair with these men. Most of them were coworkers and while I had no real interest in them I knew all of them were attracted to me and wanted to be more than friends. They served a purpose of feeding my ego by begging for a date, trying to flirt. I would always turn them down but just them asking had me on an emotional high. Eventually OM does enter the picture and well that was the beginning of the end of this attention seeking.

Sorry as always I start writing a book and going off topic.


Denjef31

[Mitzpah]

What was denjef own thread name? Could someone attach ir please?

KB,

Here is the link to denjef31's first thread : http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7975.0

[Beacon]

Den,

Very much what you described in regards to attention seeking from men has struck a chord with me. My W never got attention as a child and I've seen throughout our M that she has always tried to gain that attention through men even if it was innocent like you said "platonic friendship". She has had at least 3 OM that I know of and has absolutely devoted her time and a astronomical amount of money to doing whatever she can to get their attention.

Hopefully this MLC of hers helps her work through those issues as you did.  Your honesty of the process has given me hope that it can happen. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Never say never]

Den,

Thanks again for sharing so much of your life.  I can hardly wait to read your story because honestly, your latest post sounds exactly like what my H is going through, trying to get the attention of any female he can, which is what he has done throughout our M behind my back but never following through with it (at least not that I knew of,) until all of this hit four years ago.

I do have one question regarding a boundary, a "what if" question.  My H's MLC started four years ago.  Throughout the four years, I tried setting boundaries by kicking him out, yelling, screaming, being nice, paying no attention to him, blah, blah, blah, you name it.  Nothing ever worked. 

It only got progressively worse to the point of since March, he only comes home to shower, make his lunch and go to work.  He's in law enforcement (working in the jail,) so his days off are scattered.  She's a jail nurse so they work together, but their days off are different. 

His normal pattern was always to leave the house at 5 p.m. to go to her house and come home at 5 a.m. to get ready to go to work and that's the pattern. 

On his days off, he would come home at 5 a.m., sleep/drink/watch T.V. all day and literally do nothing until 5 p.m., when he would leave again.

I have noticed, like today, his day off, he hasn't come home yet by the time I left the house, which is 7 a.m., so now he is starting to get even worse. 

Okay, sorry so long.  My ultimate question:  HAD I set a much stricter boundary earlier on, like serving him with D papers or separation papers, do you think that would have gotten him out of his fog earlier, or am I doing the right thing just letting him twist in the wind and doing what he has to do? 

Would this have happened no matter what I am doing?  I just don't know what to do any more.  Like is he waiting for me to do something?  When I do say just go to live at your other house with your girlfriend, his answer is:  "I don't have another house and she's not my girlfriend.  You don't understand.  It's not what you think.  I can't explain it."

When I ask him to explain, he says he can't.  How long is this going to last?  He is getting worse by the day.

[denjef31]

Thanks Everyone, I truly hope this helps you understand and get a clearer picture of what you are seeing and hearing in your spouse.

GMAN, Watcher, Elegance, MyBrainIsBroken my responses to you are coming up!


Denjef31

[heroIam]

Hi Denjef,
Been reading your thread.  Wondering if you have any wise words for me?  My h has become more distant over the last year.  Not sure how much you know about my situation, but I thought I'd join in the conversation to find some strength and coping tips.  H has been gone for 2.5 years.  First couple years he was in contact somewhat.  This last year or half year he has gone pretty much NC.  Only to email about business related stuff which isn't often.  Don't know if OW is still around, I assume so.  Don't know where he lives or with whom he lives with.  He continues to be financially responsible leaving me his checkbook to pay for mortgages, bills and whatever comes up.  We have no kids together.  H has one S21 from previous marriage (she divorced him).  I suppose I've accepted my limbo at this point.  I do have some anxiety as to what is to come however.  Thanks for listening.