[denjef31]

Krathos,

Of course she is requesting and expecting your assistance so this will be a smooth meet up for her and I am encouraging you to be gracious enough to do it. Why? Because perhaps the old you would not have helped her after all the things she has done to you and your daughter. The person that you are now, you know that you need to facilitate a reconnection between daughter and mother because your daughter needs her mother despite what she says or thinks she feels. That is the anger and disappointment your daughter feels that you are seeing and hearing.

I would suggest pray on this real hard, but for me I absolutely would because I know my children need there father, and it would give me an opportunity to show my H all the changes and growth in me without beating him up the side of his head with it. Nothing needs to be said to prove the changes, it just comes by observing. I hope you can find the strength. Don't worry about her saying that you and her are just friends. We do say that, and at that time we mean it. Feelings are fluid and constantly changing, confusion exist and dwell within us. She has her guard up, don't let that discourage you.


Denjef31

[denjef31]

Hey All,

Just thought I would come in to say hello to everybody, see how you are all doing?

Denjef31

[Never say never]

Always thinking about you and waiting for any kind of post!  Hugs!!!

[krathos]

Den,
I really appreciate your quick response, I will go through with this meet-up, I am just very frustrated with her and the way she is always texting and calling me but says we are just friends, I am her husband and I am so not okay with her and this relationship she has with OM.
Thank you for your input

[No expectations]

Denjef,

Hope the new semester is starting off well for you.  As always, thank you for being there for all of us!

[denjef31]

Krathos,

I know believe me. I am not okay with my H pretending to be roommates with the OW. It is hurtful what she is doing, but I can see clearly she is afraid of disappointing you, letting you down. Yes she wants to be your friend, but friendship often leads to much more. I do believe rebuilding has to start at the friendship level and as she trust you more she may open up. It is not easy to accept friendship knowing you want more.

I will tell you that she is taking advantage of your character. That's okay, people always take advantage including our spouse. That doesn't mean you do not take this opportunity to grow the bond that is still there between you. These talks, these interactions will unnerve OM eventually. As your friendship grows, her arguments will intensify with OM. Let him dig his own grave and cause the demise of his relationship. The friendship needs to blossom for so many reasons, dont shy away from it because you want more that comes in time. Graciously accept and appreciate the small things that are happening. People often overlook the small things, we want a restored marriage like yesterday. it doesn't work out that way usually.

I know you dont want to get your hopes up, but you must walk on faith now. Do not be anxious about anything but in everything. I hope this makes sense.


Denjef31

[denjef31]

No Expectations,

I just have to get back in the swing of things. The closer it gets to the finish line the more I get scared. I feel I dont know anything, but I read this is very common. I am doing okay and thank you for asking about me that is very thoughtful.


Denjef31

[krathos]

Den,
I agree with and understand everything that you are saying.
As for him getting unnerved about our interactions, well I am not sure if he is even aware of most of them cause they take place when he is not around...that I know for a fact.
I will follow your advice, you haven't steered me wrong. I just get frustrated at times when talking to her.

On a side note I don't think that you need to be scared about the finish line and not knowing anything, you seem to be doing fantastic, keep your eye on the ball and there will be great things in your future

[Christina13]

Hi Den,
I've been following along your story and the help
You are giving others. You have taken so much time to answer thoughtfully and compassionately.
  I'm really struggling the last few days. My BD was a year ago. Said we grew apart , etc. went to counseling but he never really tried. We have been together twenty years and childhood friends. Before BD we had gone through financial stress for a few years because of job losses. Right before bd he was written up
At work.
I just found out his A has been going on since BD. in the beginning he cycled hard. Saying he was depressed , maybe having a mlc , he didn't know.  He was a different person. All the while we were intimate and trying. Each time he would say he didn't feel different. He didn't feel he loved me.
June comes along and enters the monster. He was smoking pot but somewhere along the way he got involved in something else.
He has been a monster since. He moved out to his parents in September. He filed for D in November but never served me papers. Then denied he did.
He has been spewing hate and being manipulative.
He said it was over with ow and was going to be around more but still wanted a D.
But that we should get along now. But then the next day he was back to monster and I think he's back with her. It is a coworker.
Older than me and AD. I just don't understand. My IC says ow is most likely more messed up than him. They are feeding off each others insecurities and co dependent.
 My h was a very affectionate H. Up until right before bd. he says I put the kids first. Didn't give him attention or affection. That I killed his self esteem.
I've apologized in writing and in person. I've validated his feelings.
After months of being a confused clingering boomerang , he now seems set in his decision.
He says he loves ow. The whole year he was intimate with me and even after he left he told me we could still be as long as I know it didn't mean anything.
How can he say he loves her ?  He says our friendship And marriage are nothing to him.
He says it's not why he left. To be with her. But the minute she was out if the picture for a moment he was acting different to me.
 I'm so afraid of divorce. This of course is something the h I knew would never do. Did you feel you loved OM?
  Sorry so long. Struggling with this as its like another BD finding out its been going on this whole time.

[denjef31]

Christina13,

I am sorry you are here. Usually the OW/OM is an AD. He doesn't love her he loves how she makes him feel. That feeling is addictive but it doesn't last. I am sure you see the utter confusion and the back and forth cycling that is going on. This is the most difficult time for you as the euphoric feeling is at an all time high. Did I love OM? No, but for a period of time I thought I did. The feelings wore off and I could see things more clearly and I could clearly see although I cared for him it was not love and my love, my heart was still with my husband.

Some take longer even when they get those feelings to try to fight it and keep running for a little more. I didn't. I say still and started taking a hard look at what the hell I was doing. We all get there just takes time. Try to rise above his cycling and don't let him take you down with him. When he comes out of this he will need you so you have to be strong right now. Hard to do but you have to find a way.

Denjef31