[Not Applicable]

Christina13,

I am sorry you are here. Usually the OW/OM is an AD. He doesn't love her he loves how she makes him feel. That feeling is addictive but it doesn't last. I am sure you see the utter confusion and the back and forth cycling that is going on. This is the most difficult time for you as the euphoric feeling is at an all time high. Did I love OM? No, but for a period of time I thought I did. The feelings wore off and I could see things more clearly and I could clearly see although I cared for him it was not love and my love, my heart was still with my husband.

This is exactly what I have seen in my husband. He did say he "loves" her but around the same time he said he loves no one. He also said he wants to "feel love" from her. It's about him. Although there is no euphoria. He's in constant depression, but he is still hanging on to what he decided to do.

The one thing that is very clear to me is although he uses an excuse that she "deserves" all his attention, truly there is a fundamental difference in how he relates to her versus me. This is an "deserving" is an excuse to cover up what he wants out of the relationship because he knows she doesn't deserve better than me.

He wants me to be happy and comfortable, he wants to take my opinion on things, even if I tell him he is doing something wrong. OK, he's not making me happy right now but in his fantasy mind he WANTS me to be happy. I give him a little credit for that.

As for OW, she is like a servant, her purpose for him is to do what he asks of her and he doesn't want her to tell him he is wrong in anything. He "forces" her to watch his favorite tv programs, even though she has no interest in them.

Funny thing is we are a rare couple in that we never argued about what we watched on tv. The remote was never an issue. We liked the same things on TV.

Yes, she is getting most of his attention right now, but is the OW getting the good quality attention you got in the past? Do they have in common mutual respect and interests? Are we actually missing anything if he is not paying attention to us? What I have concluded is not that I need to detach "for myself" as the conventional wisdom goes regardless of whether he comes back, but really because as much as I hate detaching, my husband isn't that capable of giving me QUALITY relationship time right now. And the more I am exposed to him and I am not getting it, the more it will cause stress between us that could have negative long term effects. The time we do spend together we get along. It's not the interaction I need, but it is OK interaction. The fact is that a year or two down the line he won't be able to say we spent the last two years fighting. It will be time he can look back on where we got along, where when he asked my opinion on something, he got an intelligent and helpful answer, that we worked together to make our home more comfortable for us. Not all the time with the OW will be that way. The more time he spends with her, the more time there will be problems, because these men are confused and in a bad state, let him unload the bad state on her, not yourself.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

I do have one more question for you Denjef, and I don't believe that I'm the only one thinking this.

What are you going to do if he doesn't want to reconcile? I read that you divorced him while your were in MLC, and now he's with the OW. What if he doesn't want to come back to a marriage that in his mind is not only emotionally over, but legally as well?

I've noticed that when one goes through MLC and gets through the tunnel, that the other one that goes through after isn't always receptive to getting back together. Whether they get through the tunnel or not. And, I've read and seen a few cases personally where the 2nd MLCer has no desire to return even when they have completed their journey. More cases of not returning than a return.

Your thoughts...

[bluerose]

Denjef,
      Around thanksgiving my neighbor told me that my h posted on fb " the exact moment when your world crash and burns". Nobody commented on it. She told me yestetday that he posted a week or two ago " dont you wish you could just runaway for two weeks and have noone find you". He has changed his profile picture too, so i have been told. He has taken down the picture of him and the ow and put one up of himself in his truck with his shirt off. He also put up a quote that says" the best days of your life are ahead of you". He had the same quote up when thos all started and was living so unhappily with me. His comments that he put up at that time were also not as direct as they are now. He has also been hit with child support papers. He was not expecting that.
   I have not seen or heard from him in 5 months. This is after he told me he wasnt happy and wanted to work on us slowly and carefully. I was also shocked when my neighbor said that she thinks he is stuck in a situation and he dont know how to get out of it. I was shocked because i have thought the same thing. What do you think? Thank you.

[Mary A]

Den, I'm catching up with this wonderful thread. I'd like to add something about what I now realize was my own MLC or transition.


There was a time when I felt I wasn't connected to what was going on at home. I had an overwhelming idea about death and the terrible feeling that me, my husband, my kids, everything I cared for, would eventually die. I felt there was no sense in working hard because in the end everything was futile.

I gathered with younger people and I became also flirtatious with some of them. The difference with what I'm experiencing right now as a LBS is that I never voiced anything to my husband. Now I remember, he once told me sthg about being on the edge of the bed. But that was it. I felt he loved me more than I loved him but It never crossed my mind to leave him. I never distanced myself from him as he has done lately.

I have no idea how I overcame all that but it went away gradually, I guess.

Thanks for sharing your experience because it's really helpful.

 

[Keep believing]

Can Mlc be in replay , depression and withdrawal stages simuostaneously. This is my understanding of love any way  intermittent liminality . Opinions ??

[denjef31]

Hey All,

Sorry I have been away so long, just getting settled with school and my family. So much has happened in the last few weeks, but I am back. How is everybody?? I am going to start catching up on this thread see what I missed.

Denjef31

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Hey All,

Sorry I have been away so long, just getting settled with school and my family. So much has happened in the last few weeks, but I am back. How is everybody?? I am going to start catching up on this thread see what I missed.

Denjef31

Hi Denjef,

Here's an update. He moved back the area, and had moved in with his mother a month before he did. The AD isn't with him, and he's living with his nephew.

The girls went to see him last Saturday, and I dropped them off early. I wasn't going to deal with the drama. Went to pick them up, and he was still there. Even approached the car, but I had to go pick up my laundry. So we left without me talking to him. He even sent some food home for me for dinner. It was their leftovers from the buffet they went to, but sent it for me.

I'm not in the right frame of mind to deal with him right now. And to be honest, I'm just too exhausted right now with all that's going on to deal with him. There's been a lot of damage done, and I don't believe that he's fully cooked anyway. I believe that he's running from the AD and still in E & A. And, he's still in contact with the AD for now. I'm just not interested in anything he has to say. NC was the only real boundary that I've been able to maintain. It's helped me and my younger girls.

MD and YD aren't really too interested in what he's selling at this point either. He wants them to spend their weekends with him. Here's the rub, now he wants to visit them here in our town and not the one that he's living in. Why he wants to come here is beyond me. His reputation is trashed based on what he's posted on Facebook for everyone to see. And, he has no idea how much people don't want to deal with him here. So, I guess he's going to find out.

That's my update for now.

[Not Applicable]

Denjef-You said this in your last thread:

At first we don't care. We don't call, we don't come by, we don't do what we are suppose to do for our spouses or kids. It's the same story "the script". We are too consumed and involved in this new life, new relationship, new freedom, being single, acting even just for hours each day we have no responsibilities. What a thrill! an emotional high we get from for lack of a better word not giving a f$%k.

I did it, and my H did it. Yet there will come a time when this will change. I did it to my H for almost 2.5 years. My H did it to me for close to months and I couldn't handle the pain and hurt from it. We are aware that we are hurting you, but we are not able to understand how great that pain is. How could it be that bad for you when I am so freaking happy right now? That's what we tell ourselves to rationalize what we are doing.

A question, were you really "freaking happy"?  Or is it just that you convince yourself you are happy or believe you should be happy under the circumstances you are in? Were you just fooling yourself about the LBS or were you also fooling yourself about yourself? My husband follows that script exactly, except I don't even feel he is freaking happy or even fooling himself that he is freaking happy. He's clearly downright miserable right now and pretty much has been from the beginning.

[Not Applicable]

I'm reading back from the beginning and I have another question for you:

Whatthe, you must start going out with girlfriends, spend us much time as you can outside of the home and don't include him in the activities.  Let him think about the fun you are having, the people you are meeting. Be very guard full just as he is with you in sharing what, who, and where you go. You are creating an air of mystery for yourself. At first you will be doing it for his benefit but then you will actually enjoy doing new hobbies, hanging out with old friends. He of course initially will be relieved and happy you are out for his own selfish reasons but eventually when he is with her and he knows you are not twiddling your thumbs watching the clock it will be him thinking about you the whole time he is with ow. That's when wheels of motion sets in and things begin to change as he begins to wonder if he might lose you.

Do you think if he had done this from the very beginning after BD that it would have had the same effect as him wallowing in sadness for a while before turning around? They say the faster you detach the better but would that make as much of an impression as a turnaround after a while?

And another question:

In my mind I was the same person, it was everyone else that had changed. Just mental confusion surrounding us at all times, and nothing is as it seems is true. Everything is reversed if you can understand that.

I've heard the same from my husband. How did you feel that your spouse had changed?

Thanks for taking your time to answer these questions. It's very useful.

[Not Applicable]

Sorry you are hurting Christina. It will get better. Your question is actually very simple. He cant stand to be around you, home, or the kids very long because it causes him extreme hurt and guilt. They do this when they cycle. They try to fight off the feelings of guilt, and shame so they run and remain hidden for days, weeks, and even months. Eventually the desire to see his family is greater than his guilt and shame so he comes to see you. After a short period of time there those strong feelings to leave overwhelm him so he does.

Yes, this is very hurtful and incredibly frustrating. I did it to my H, I didn't want to give him any hope so I quickly left when I visited his apartment. My H did it to me too, sometimes he would make excuses and lies to not pick up our son from the house, and even drop him at the door but not come in like he was banned.

Just for Christina's benefit, I have to agree this is totally true. I actually heard my husband come in two nights ago, and then turn around and walk out about 10 seconds later without coming to the room I was in. There's no other way to explain it than the way Denjef does.