[Finding Hope]

I seem to be having a hard time, so I wanted to ask other LBS'ers, when was the last time you really felt happy. I'm not talking watching a movie that makes you laugh, or going somewhere and you had fun. But, true happiness. The kind that hits your soul.

It doesn't matter where you are in your journey, and please take a minute to really think about it.

Me: Honestly I cant remember. You think, if only I could get my husband to want me again, then my happiness would return. Truth is, it doesn't. It's a lot of work. The first 18 months, Mr. FH was trying, I could see it. This last month I see the old husband. Then one that is selfish and self-absorbed. The one who when I tell him how I feel, nothing changes. He told me this last weekend that he's trying, then says, I bring you coffee . Seriously, that's all he had.

I know that happiness comes from within. I get that. By myself, I can do that. But, weighted down by doubt is hard. We've gone right back to the old marriage, in a very short time. Except now, I don't ask him to do anything or anything that he does. He's happy in this marriage, but why wouldn't he be. He's gotten everything that he wants.

I don't know if this happens to others during the reconnecting process. But would love to hear others on this. When was the last time you were happy.

FH

[Anjae]

I seem to be having a hard time, so I wanted to ask other MLC'ers, when was the last time you really felt happy.

You mean other LBS, right? 

I have felt happy for a long time, but it has also been a very long time since BD for me.

LBS cycle. Sometimes we have lower/darker periods. It is normal.

[Airmid]

I think your question is to the other LBSers - "when was the last time you felt really happy."
You didn't state this - but I assume that you really are asking LBSers who are standing or are reconcilling.

I am not standing - I signed the divorce papers in August.
I started to have real moments of happiness this summer - about July.
It had nothing to do with the divorce - it was more about all the progress I see in myself.

But I seem to have turned yet another corner with the new year.
I just feel that 2017 is going to be a great year.
I wake up smiling, I know my life, my finances etc are all under control.

I pieced my life back together from emotion ruin and I am damn proud of that.
In this horrible post BD period - I learned how to love myself - and how to practice self-care.

These are skills that I will carry forward with me - no matter what.

[Ready2Transform]

I thank you for this, Finding Hope. What you're saying mirrors a lot of what I've heard from other reconciled standers. It's not always the "better marriage", and I think it's better for standers to be realistic about that. This stuff is hard.

In recent months I have had more times than not where I felt true happiness again that didn't have the dark cloud over it. The preoccupation with the MLCer, whether it's our old life or what he's doing now, is starting to go. I feel more like I did many years before MLC. I'm at about the 5.5 year mark post BD.

It's really in the little things, like truly enjoying television or movies and books without distraction, looking forward to things, starting to see an open-ended future and not counting how far I am from any specific timeline (I really had to ponder that 5.5 years up there!). Even things like appliances failing or drama with people don't affect me the way they used to. I feel stable.

The last throes I think were a big bout of anxiety that crept up toward the end of last year. It felt very irrational and it was, but I do chalk it up to my emotions resolving and the self-created closure on this stuff.  I think I really did have to put an end to the notion of standing to get here, though I still really think eventually my xH will progress through. I'll see where it's at then, maybe? Right now, focusing on me and me alone is clearing a lot of restistance.

[No expectations]

I'm still very early on, but I have to say, I do have moments of happiness.   Not long, but they come.

They come when I'm alone at night,  lights down,  candles lit, music playing.   I dance around the house by myself.   

They don't last long but I cherish these moments.

[1trouble]

FH

Everyone seeks to be 'happy' but its really something that cannot be sustained for anything than a moment or a short time..

Its to be found really in small things and for me it can be found each day when you change your outlook........

For me its walking my dog and seeing him run toward me............why because in the summer he lost his toe and I was unable to walk him properly for nearly three months, now to see him run toward me is a moment of pure joy.....

Before this I would have cursed the times I had to walk the dog, now I embrace and see each walk in a different light.

Before H's MLC I got into a habit of negative thinking which meant I never appreciated the small things, I was always looking at what I didn't have rather than what I did............however I feel this journey has been a truly spiritual one and I have been reminded of what I use to believe in....

The power of the universe and we get what we expect and the life we think we deserve.......

I have worked very hard on my way of thinking and I try not to get into any negative patterns of thinking................FH it really does come down to the way you look at life

Joy and happiness can be found in simple things really it can.

It also comes in understanding that showing care means different things to different people.....I don't know your whole story, I don't know your H, maybe all your H can give you at the moment is a cup of coffee..........you said you tell him how you feel, does he tell you how he feels, my H was never able to say how he felt.

My therapist told me once (when H made a brief return) the way to get them to open up is to do something that reminds you both of why you got together in the first place. Think of something you both use to enjoy when you both originally got together back in the day, start with something that is carefree......

I found this youtube video very good, (its 1 1/2 hours long) but I watched it 10 mins every now and again.
Basically its all the gurus who have been on Oprah over the years talking about the laws of attraction people think the law of attraction is about being rich or attracting good things to you, but its also about the power of positive thought and you start with being grateful for the small things.....like that cup of coffee, a compliment etc.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxuC9pjq074

I take a few minutes each day to thank the universe for the blessings I have been given, the people who have wanted to spend time with me, the friend who may have called me, for the money I have earnt, for the sunshine, for keeping my family safe and well, for my mobility etc....

If you are grateful for the small things it really does make you realise how lucky you are and from that slowly your whole attitude changes and you really do appreciate everyone around you, you see how beautiful the sunsets are, nature, you see the good in people, you celebrate the way we are all different, you get more tolerant and you start to realise the power you have to see the world in a totally different way.......... but like everything it takes time to retrain your brain.

If I feel negative thoughts creeping in I play or sing happy songs ....but I wont give into negativity..
not anymore....

And positivity is infectious and very attractive too

Wishing you a 'happy' new year FH xx

[Seeing The Light]

1T... this was a beautiful post.  I have been trying to pinpoint this for myself and I believe you have summed it up nicely.  I've also been working on my own thoughts and staying more present moment focus instead of just positive thinking. 

I think for me, being present moment focused is accepting that feeling, that moment that comes in and then letting pass through you.  It's not about holding on to those feelings as they happen. 

I don't feel that it is possible to be happy and positive all the time... but you have a choice as to how you want to view a situation or handle it.  My choices, until BD, were to stay pessimistic about things, worst case scenario, etc.  Now, I just decide what is the best choice for me each moment, each day.

It's work.... because I have to retrain 40+ years of brain pathways and my own issues with reacting to things instead of thinking them through.

Do I feel happy?  Yes, but I don't try to hang on to the feeling.  I feel content, peace, joy, anger, etc... I feel it all, I want to feel it all, because I buried it for too long.  With me practicing Mindfulness, present moment awareness, it lets me feel them but not be attached to them.  It lets me live and enjoy life, all different parts of it. I hope that makes sense.

[Roma]

Over all I'd say YES, I'm happy now. Not happy with my currant circumstances yet planning for a better day, and that keeps me focused and staying happy.

Nice post FH

[Finding Hope]

All really good responses, and gives me something to think about. I'm very happy with the person that I am. When Mr. FH was sitting in his truck, I learned to live my life on my own. Do the things that I wanted to do. Now, in the "reconnection" faze, I'm thinking that I fooled myself into thinking that things would be different, that the changes I saw him making were really and would stick.

I see that they are not. And I'm just not willing to be second best anymore. To give up the things that I want out of a relationship just to stayed married. I wonder, do any other LBS's that are in this faze think the same way or is it just me.

FH

[Thunder]

I guess I don't think about it.

I'm happy with my life and feel very content.
Maybe content is happy.   

Now would a million dollars make me happier?  Oh yeah..