[Thunder]

FH, I was typing when you sent this.

You know they say we change during this time.  It's so true.  We found things that made us happy.
We became more self-sufficient.  We fixed things about ourselves we didn't like.

I think to go back to the same old marriage just may not be possible.  We're not those people anymore.  We have different wants and needs.

I never, ever thought I would be happy as a single person again but over time I did become happy on my own.

Would it be helpful to talk to your H about the good changes he was making?  How they made you happy?  Maybe he needs to be aware of these things.  Things you saw as positive that aren't there anymore, or he's at least not showing you them.

Just a thought. 

[Seeing The Light]

Good question, FH.  I'm not that far into this... my H and I seem to be reconnecting and I'm seeing changes in him that I haven't seen from him before.  I think that I'm also different as far as how I perceive him too.  So we are both doing things differently.  But I think it's too soon to say if anything will stick.  I have a LONG time to go yet.

[1trouble]

I know you wanted to hear from others who are reconciling and I am not reconnecting yet......so forgive me for piping in again 

But there is something I have pondered on if we were to reconnect and that is my expectation........

I do not expect a full blown apology, I don't expect an explanation, I don't expect him to be 'grateful'....(as to stand is my choice)

So what can I reasonably expect..........?

I loved my H before this and I love him now.........but I have also been on this huge journey of self discovery .....do I expect him to have done the same?

Are some people just not capable of self analysis?

Are some people not able to express themselves or articulate how they feel, want to talk about what has happened to them, to speak about their own expectations.....?

I know now my H has been battling underlying depression for years..............do I/can I make allowances for this.........should I when we reconcile?

Now, in the "reconnection" faze, I'm thinking that I fooled myself into thinking that things would be different, that the changes I saw him making were really and would stick.

I see that they are not. And I'm just not willing to be second best anymore. To give up the things that I want out of a relationship just to stayed married. I wonder, do any other LBS's that are in this faze think the same way or is it just me.

FH

What I am seeing in your post (as an outsider) is that you had/have expectations that things would be 'different' .................but only you know what 'different' means.....

I would suggest you need to answer this question first......you need to get to the bottom of what your expectations were/are

What do you define as 'second best' why do you think you are 'settling' and what do you want out of the relationship that you are not getting, were these things you had before your H's MLC or have they never been there?

I would urge you to go to a therapist to sort out these thoughts FH...............and if you can also go to a relationship therapist with your H.

I think I will have to go back to therapy when my H is ready to come back because
1) he was never one, before this, to express his feelings, to really say how he felt and that's why he was a candidate for MLC and I would be amazed if he has learnt to express himself now.
2) I do know I wasnt a great listener before this and I would have to try very hard to learn how to listen.
3) I know I have a lot of suppressed anger in me and I feel I would want to be able to express that in a 'controlled' environment otherwise it manifests itself as
discontent or resentment..............could this be what's happening to you?

There is obviously discontent in your life at the moment but you need to find out why you feel that way, is it all down to your H and marriage?
Defining what's causing these feelings, defining your wants and needs vs expectations will help you understand

[heroIam]

FH,
I'm attaching.  Your post caught my eye.

[Watcher]

I can find happiness in many different things. Going to a restaurant, a movie, running/exercise, or a simple trip to a coffee shop. I am comfortable in my own skin and have to do many of these things by myself now.

I am at 19 months post BD. We just got together for 3 days after 3 months NC and it was just brutal. She is not ready. She wants to be ready, but she is not there. So now back to NC.

I believe the major obstacle is the overall situation. We want to move forward and it's just not coming. We have graduated somewhat. She views herself as a mom and daughter so we have progress. She just hates her husband now. Unfortunately that's me 

I can continue to fill my life with many distractions and continue to enjoy myself but she is missing and it's always going to be a void until the situation is remedied one way or the other IMO.

I walked away from out last encounter because I will not and cannot accept her and the way she behaves. I will not live with her and thats what she wants but she doesn't want to work on it yet.

The bottom line is I don't believe it's going to be easy and it's going to be a long road back to any semblance of that previous couple.

[bestfriends]

Standing here. I feel like happiness is something I prevent for myself in order to avoid disappointment. That sounds pathetic, but it is the truth.

[Ready2Transform]

Standing here. I feel like happiness is something I prevent for myself in order to avoid disappointment. That sounds pathetic, but it is the truth.

It does not sound pathetic at all. It's a huge insight, and I think one we all can relate to at some point in this journey.

[in it]

I know. I feel like if I get too happy something is going to (or not going to) happen and I'll end up crying. Makes it hard to look forward to things.


I kind of like the word...content. Content is like a laid back version of happy. I always have been..

I enjoy doing online crosswords..spending time with my cat...naps...listening to music in the car...the smell of certain foods..cooking..candles.. eating out....spending time with family and friends and laughing is my favorite thing. I have a friend who is my cousins wife and the minute she answers the phone her and I just start laughing.

What happened to me made me more self aware.

Made me really, really, really, really, mad first..but now more self aware.

It will be 7 years divorced this September..in a few months four years NC due to DV incident.. And I am happier and more content without the ex than I ever was with him.

[Finding Hope]

I find happiness in things that I do. Like riding horses. These things are only temporary. Maybe it's because I'm not the same person anymore. I have talked to my husband, he just doesn't get it. I am a very huggy-kissy kinda gal. When we were first together, he was too. Then things changed. I asked him why and he says that's when we were "courting".

I've lived without much affection for decades. There are things that I want out of a marriage, and that's one of them. I just don't understand how you can love someone and not want to touch them. We've had sex 5 times in almost 6 years. He use to be the energizer bunny, now he just doesnt seem interested. I've tried to talk to him about it, and ask if there might be a physical reason. He says there's nothing physical and he just doesn't seem to be that interested. Not exactly what a wife wants to hear.

I have a great counselor and we've started talking again. She says maybe I've just grown past him. He's still exactly where he wants to be and I'm not. She helped me get through his worst of MLC and she'll get me through this. It's been so long. 6 years in March.

FH

[in it]

Me too FH love to snuggle... hug..hold hands....

So sorry you are being deprived that due to his issues. I went through the same thing, made me feel very unwanted.

Trouble was the ex wasn't that way unless it lead to sex (when he didn't have the problems he had). Just couldn't be affectionate without that payoff.