Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2  (Read 10372 times)

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« on: January 15, 2017, 11:41:13 AM »
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6749.0


Here is my link.
Haven't been here in a year.

So much has gone on.  My father was diagnosed with leukemia while visiting us in March.  Medical facilities are the best here so my parents are still here.  We are fighting this nasty disease and it has been great to have them here with me! 

My husband and I are still the same.  Probably worse off.  He is firm in his belief that this will not work out.  We are two different people now and he thinks if personalities don't match up there is no point.  Relationships should not be work, this should just naturally work out.  UGH!

Don't know what I am posting here for.  Nothing anyone can do!  I am just an emotional mess.  Looking for an outlet I guess. 
« Last Edit: February 02, 2019, 06:48:25 AM by OldPilot »
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline bluerose

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2017, 04:11:13 PM »
Omg! Jojo
     My h said the exact same thing about our personalities and about marrige should not be work they should just flow together. Everytime i begin to doubt mlc i read something like this that reassures me that this is what it is. I am at the 2 year mark for bd and it still hurts so badly. At times its agonizing. I feel for yoy.  Stand strong.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2017, 04:23:16 PM »
Welcome back!  I will have to check out your thread.  I am new here as of August.  My BD was a year ago in December but it took me a while to find the board.

I'm sorry to hear about your F.  Prayers for him!

I can say that my H is under a lot of the same impressions about M.  He has said a lot of things that I have since found out are pretty much what they all say.  The things he said hurt me profusely.  But, I had a couple of wrong ideas about marriage too, and I have since learned what covenant marriage really means.

M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2017, 06:12:48 AM »
How can anyone say that marriage shouldn't be work?  You always hear that from every single expert out there.  Marriage is work.  You have to be a fool to think life just rolls on happily ever after year and year without compromise and talking about feelings, discussing problems. 

I have to just take this all one day at a time. 

I keep reading all these self help books.  None seem to help.  You can't repair your marriage by yourself.  Both parties have to participate. 

I try all these stupid suggestions I read.  Took him away overnight doing all the things I thought he would enjoy.  Didn't soften his heart.  We had fun.  But still he has this brick wall built around him. 

Ugh!  I am just rambling right now.  Have to get this out someplace. 
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2017, 06:16:01 AM »
I keep reading all these self help books.  None seem to help.  You can't repair your marriage by yourself.  Both parties have to participate. 
Did you ever read Solo Partner?

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1965.0

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2017, 06:18:44 AM »
I keep reading all these self help books.  None seem to help.  You can't repair your marriage by yourself.  Both parties have to participate. 
Did you ever read Solo Partner?

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1965.0

Looking it up now....you found this helpful?
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2017, 06:22:44 AM »
I keep reading all these self help books.  None seem to help.  You can't repair your marriage by yourself.  Both parties have to participate. 
Did you ever read Solo Partner?

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1965.0

Looking it up now....you found this helpful?


You don't need to buy the book but study the linked posts.

Offline No expectations

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2017, 06:40:01 AM »
Hi Jojo,

Just read through your old thread.  Glad you're back.   This place helps me a lot.

Take care
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Thunder

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2017, 08:35:55 AM »
Hi JoJo,

I was just telling someone else that I believe this does change people.  We are not the same people we were before BD.  So I agree PARTLY with what your H said, but not all of it.
Not the part about it not being work. Marriage is hard work sometimes.  Anything worth having is hard work.

I realized out M was dead and sadly we will never go back to the way it was.  It's not possible.
I found starting a new relationship with the people we are now was much better.  Putting the past where it belongs.

Sometimes that isn't possible if one has changed too much and there really is nothing in common anymore, but I think that's pretty rare.   You found each other in the beginning, there had to be something there.  Maybe look back on what attracted you to each other when you first met and figure out what changed.  Marriages do change over the years.

I'm not blaming their MLC on the spouse.  We all know we didn't cause this to happen.
I just tried hard to see where our marriage took a turn.  How maybe I changed.
I saw a few turns I didn't like, so I worked on that, for me.  I didn't want to be the person I was at BD anymore.

Maybe somehow starting out as friends is a good start.  No expectations of that other person.  What did you enjoy doing together?  Did you two stop doing those things?

I'm rambling....sorry I'm on a roll this morning.   ::)

I just feel when I went back to who I was (with a few twiks) it helped our relationship.  I got my confidence back.  I felt happier with myself.  If he liked the new me, good..if not well I would still be happier.
Well lo and behold he did like the newer version of me.  We started rebuilding.  Slowly but it's been good.

He still has a ways to go to get out of his crisis but that is entirely up to him.  That's his job, not mine.  I just leave it to him.  I've done my work....and continue to do so.   ;D

I guess my long dragged out point is we need to be happy with ourselves.  For ourselves.
Whether there is a reconciliation or not.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2017, 11:15:35 AM »
Hi JoJo,

I was just telling someone else that I believe this does change people.  We are not the same people we were before BD.  So I agree PARTLY with what your H said, but not all of it.
Not the part about it not being work. Marriage is hard work sometimes.  Anything worth having is hard work.

I realized out M was dead and sadly we will never go back to the way it was.  It's not possible.
I found starting a new relationship with the people we are now was much better.  Putting the past where it belongs.

Sometimes that isn't possible if one has changed too much and there really is nothing in common anymore, but I think that's pretty rare.   You found each other in the beginning, there had to be something there.  Maybe look back on what attracted you to each other when you first met and figure out what changed.  Marriages do change over the years.

I'm not blaming their MLC on the spouse.  We all know we didn't cause this to happen.
I just tried hard to see where our marriage took a turn.  How maybe I changed.
I saw a few turns I didn't like, so I worked on that, for me.  I didn't want to be the person I was at BD anymore.

Maybe somehow starting out as friends is a good start.  No expectations of that other person.  What did you enjoy doing together?  Did you two stop doing those things?

I'm rambling....sorry I'm on a roll this morning.   ::)

I just feel when I went back to who I was (with a few twiks) it helped our relationship.  I got my confidence back.  I felt happier with myself.  If he liked the new me, good..if not well I would still be happier.
Well lo and behold he did like the newer version of me.  We started rebuilding.  Slowly but it's been good.

He still has a ways to go to get out of his crisis but that is entirely up to him.  That's his job, not mine.  I just leave it to him.  I've done my work....and continue to do so.   ;D

I guess my long dragged out point is we need to be happy with ourselves.  For ourselves.
Whether there is a reconciliation or not.


Lots to think about here...  I need good solid advice.  Very much appreciate your input!
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

 

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