Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2  (Read 10374 times)

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« on: January 15, 2017, 11:41:13 AM »
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6749.0


Here is my link.
Haven't been here in a year.

So much has gone on.  My father was diagnosed with leukemia while visiting us in March.  Medical facilities are the best here so my parents are still here.  We are fighting this nasty disease and it has been great to have them here with me! 

My husband and I are still the same.  Probably worse off.  He is firm in his belief that this will not work out.  We are two different people now and he thinks if personalities don't match up there is no point.  Relationships should not be work, this should just naturally work out.  UGH!

Don't know what I am posting here for.  Nothing anyone can do!  I am just an emotional mess.  Looking for an outlet I guess. 
« Last Edit: February 02, 2019, 06:48:25 AM by OldPilot »
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline bluerose

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2017, 04:11:13 PM »
Omg! Jojo
     My h said the exact same thing about our personalities and about marrige should not be work they should just flow together. Everytime i begin to doubt mlc i read something like this that reassures me that this is what it is. I am at the 2 year mark for bd and it still hurts so badly. At times its agonizing. I feel for yoy.  Stand strong.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2017, 04:23:16 PM »
Welcome back!  I will have to check out your thread.  I am new here as of August.  My BD was a year ago in December but it took me a while to find the board.

I'm sorry to hear about your F.  Prayers for him!

I can say that my H is under a lot of the same impressions about M.  He has said a lot of things that I have since found out are pretty much what they all say.  The things he said hurt me profusely.  But, I had a couple of wrong ideas about marriage too, and I have since learned what covenant marriage really means.

M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2017, 06:12:48 AM »
How can anyone say that marriage shouldn't be work?  You always hear that from every single expert out there.  Marriage is work.  You have to be a fool to think life just rolls on happily ever after year and year without compromise and talking about feelings, discussing problems. 

I have to just take this all one day at a time. 

I keep reading all these self help books.  None seem to help.  You can't repair your marriage by yourself.  Both parties have to participate. 

I try all these stupid suggestions I read.  Took him away overnight doing all the things I thought he would enjoy.  Didn't soften his heart.  We had fun.  But still he has this brick wall built around him. 

Ugh!  I am just rambling right now.  Have to get this out someplace. 
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2017, 06:16:01 AM »
I keep reading all these self help books.  None seem to help.  You can't repair your marriage by yourself.  Both parties have to participate. 
Did you ever read Solo Partner?

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1965.0

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2017, 06:18:44 AM »
I keep reading all these self help books.  None seem to help.  You can't repair your marriage by yourself.  Both parties have to participate. 
Did you ever read Solo Partner?

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1965.0

Looking it up now....you found this helpful?
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2017, 06:22:44 AM »
I keep reading all these self help books.  None seem to help.  You can't repair your marriage by yourself.  Both parties have to participate. 
Did you ever read Solo Partner?

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1965.0

Looking it up now....you found this helpful?


You don't need to buy the book but study the linked posts.

Offline No expectations

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2017, 06:40:01 AM »
Hi Jojo,

Just read through your old thread.  Glad you're back.   This place helps me a lot.

Take care
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Thunder

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #8 on: January 16, 2017, 08:35:55 AM »
Hi JoJo,

I was just telling someone else that I believe this does change people.  We are not the same people we were before BD.  So I agree PARTLY with what your H said, but not all of it.
Not the part about it not being work. Marriage is hard work sometimes.  Anything worth having is hard work.

I realized out M was dead and sadly we will never go back to the way it was.  It's not possible.
I found starting a new relationship with the people we are now was much better.  Putting the past where it belongs.

Sometimes that isn't possible if one has changed too much and there really is nothing in common anymore, but I think that's pretty rare.   You found each other in the beginning, there had to be something there.  Maybe look back on what attracted you to each other when you first met and figure out what changed.  Marriages do change over the years.

I'm not blaming their MLC on the spouse.  We all know we didn't cause this to happen.
I just tried hard to see where our marriage took a turn.  How maybe I changed.
I saw a few turns I didn't like, so I worked on that, for me.  I didn't want to be the person I was at BD anymore.

Maybe somehow starting out as friends is a good start.  No expectations of that other person.  What did you enjoy doing together?  Did you two stop doing those things?

I'm rambling....sorry I'm on a roll this morning.   ::)

I just feel when I went back to who I was (with a few twiks) it helped our relationship.  I got my confidence back.  I felt happier with myself.  If he liked the new me, good..if not well I would still be happier.
Well lo and behold he did like the newer version of me.  We started rebuilding.  Slowly but it's been good.

He still has a ways to go to get out of his crisis but that is entirely up to him.  That's his job, not mine.  I just leave it to him.  I've done my work....and continue to do so.   ;D

I guess my long dragged out point is we need to be happy with ourselves.  For ourselves.
Whether there is a reconciliation or not.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2017, 11:15:35 AM »
Hi JoJo,

I was just telling someone else that I believe this does change people.  We are not the same people we were before BD.  So I agree PARTLY with what your H said, but not all of it.
Not the part about it not being work. Marriage is hard work sometimes.  Anything worth having is hard work.

I realized out M was dead and sadly we will never go back to the way it was.  It's not possible.
I found starting a new relationship with the people we are now was much better.  Putting the past where it belongs.

Sometimes that isn't possible if one has changed too much and there really is nothing in common anymore, but I think that's pretty rare.   You found each other in the beginning, there had to be something there.  Maybe look back on what attracted you to each other when you first met and figure out what changed.  Marriages do change over the years.

I'm not blaming their MLC on the spouse.  We all know we didn't cause this to happen.
I just tried hard to see where our marriage took a turn.  How maybe I changed.
I saw a few turns I didn't like, so I worked on that, for me.  I didn't want to be the person I was at BD anymore.

Maybe somehow starting out as friends is a good start.  No expectations of that other person.  What did you enjoy doing together?  Did you two stop doing those things?

I'm rambling....sorry I'm on a roll this morning.   ::)

I just feel when I went back to who I was (with a few twiks) it helped our relationship.  I got my confidence back.  I felt happier with myself.  If he liked the new me, good..if not well I would still be happier.
Well lo and behold he did like the newer version of me.  We started rebuilding.  Slowly but it's been good.

He still has a ways to go to get out of his crisis but that is entirely up to him.  That's his job, not mine.  I just leave it to him.  I've done my work....and continue to do so.   ;D

I guess my long dragged out point is we need to be happy with ourselves.  For ourselves.
Whether there is a reconciliation or not.


Lots to think about here...  I need good solid advice.  Very much appreciate your input!
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #10 on: January 16, 2017, 06:33:50 PM »
Hi JoJo,

I was just telling someone else that I believe this does change people.  We are not the same people we were before BD.  So I agree PARTLY with what your H said, but not all of it.
Not the part about it not being work. Marriage is hard work sometimes.  Anything worth having is hard work.

I realized out M was dead and sadly we will never go back to the way it was.  It's not possible.
I found starting a new relationship with the people we are now was much better.  Putting the past where it belongs.

Sometimes that isn't possible if one has changed too much and there really is nothing in common anymore, but I think that's pretty rare.   You found each other in the beginning, there had to be something there.  Maybe look back on what attracted you to each other when you first met and figure out what changed.  Marriages do change over the years.

I'm not blaming their MLC on the spouse.  We all know we didn't cause this to happen.
I just tried hard to see where our marriage took a turn.  How maybe I changed.
I saw a few turns I didn't like, so I worked on that, for me.  I didn't want to be the person I was at BD anymore.

Maybe somehow starting out as friends is a good start.  No expectations of that other person.  What did you enjoy doing together?  Did you two stop doing those things?

I'm rambling....sorry I'm on a roll this morning.   ::)

I just feel when I went back to who I was (with a few twiks) it helped our relationship.  I got my confidence back.  I felt happier with myself.  If he liked the new me, good..if not well I would still be happier.
Well lo and behold he did like the newer version of me.  We started rebuilding.  Slowly but it's been good.

He still has a ways to go to get out of his crisis but that is entirely up to him.  That's his job, not mine.  I just leave it to him.  I've done my work....and continue to do so.   ;D

I guess my long dragged out point is we need to be happy with ourselves.  For ourselves.
Whether there is a reconciliation or not.


Lots to think about here...  I need good solid advice.  Very much appreciate your input!

That struck a chord with me as well Thunder.  I've been working through some of the same things.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #11 on: January 20, 2017, 09:38:56 AM »
Wow I am at work, kindergarteners are in here, I am a computer teacher....and out of the blue I am having an anxiety attack.  I can feel it.  Thankfully two other adults in here with me, I need to excuse myself and go to the bathroom. 

I am a mess!

I hate what this is doing to me.
I am trying to stay calm. 

How does this happen?  How can you just say personalities don't match?  How can he be so selfish?  We have a family.  I am a good wife, I am a good mom....I am a good friend. 

I am Catholic.  I was never going to get divorced.  Marriage is forever.  You work through disagreements. 

His family all have the same beliefs.  None of their marriages are perfect.  But they stay together.  Work through the tough times. 

I know he is going to divorce me.  I just know it.

It is a matter of time.

I try to be the standing spouse.  But I know what is to come. 

I need to prepare myself.
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2017, 08:21:49 AM »
Ok made it through my panic. 

So he wanted to "talk" this weekend.  That was what he told me....  Well the weekend is almost over and no sign of talking.  He keeps himself super busy and avoids time alone with me. 

We were out with friends last night and everything was normal.  Like if you hit rewind and looked at a movie of us from 10 yrs ago it would be that same couple.  I don't know.  Maybe I need to stop thinking about all this crap so much.  Let go of it all and it will pass.  Just a phase????

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #13 on: January 24, 2017, 11:44:17 AM »
Well weekend came and gone....no talk.

He avoids time alone.

I have to overcome these anxious feelings.  I need to figure out a way to support myself.

I also struggle with being alone.  Not having someone who loves me and is willing to be by my side.  I was so secure, now life is so unknown.

How can I do this? 

Still feeling this anxious and panic while at work.  I just want to climb into bed and pull the covers over my head. 
How do these other people find true love?  Someone who stays true to their vows?  I mean you make a commitment and you stick by that commitment.  You work through the troubles.  My heart races.  My mind is foggy.  My fingers feel cold.  It is so strange. 

I just want my life back. 

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline whatthe????

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #14 on: January 24, 2017, 12:00:05 PM »
I'm with you JoJo.  My h too avoids alone time and we still live together.  I've had a couple of small anxiety attacks recently too, yesterday was the most recent. 
ya know I say I want my life back and I desperately do, but to be honest I don't even remember what that felt like.  I know what it didn't feel like but when I feel those peaceful feelings now, I get all panicky.  Hang in there girl...cling to your faith. 

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #15 on: January 27, 2017, 11:26:17 AM »
Last night he said he is contacting a lawyer....

I tried to convince him otherwise....he said this is why he is doing it.  Because I always argue my point.  I have to be right.
It was horrible.

I went to sleep at 8:30....oh and I cried like the ugliest worst loudest cry ever.  I couldn't control myself. 
I think that pissed him off.  The kids heard and were asking him what was going on.

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #16 on: January 29, 2017, 01:26:00 PM »
Hate to do anything but I feel like I need to see a lawyer myself. 

It's crazy that this is where we are.  My father in law is emailing about the June family vacation.  How do I respond?  Obviously I won't be going if we get divorced.  But then I think if I just lay low....maybe we will stay together. 

My friends say I need to move forward with life.  I deserve a relationship with someone who  feels the same about me.  I agree but can't imagine life without him. 
« Last Edit: January 29, 2017, 01:27:46 PM by JoJo1996 »
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline bluerose

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #17 on: January 29, 2017, 01:49:03 PM »
I feel the same way jojo.

Offline No expectations

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #18 on: January 29, 2017, 01:51:25 PM »
Joho,

Do what feels right to you.   If you want to stand, do it.  If you want to,move on, that's okay too.  No one can tell you what's right for you.   I'm trying to figure that out for myself.   It's sad.
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #19 on: January 30, 2017, 06:26:39 AM »
Joho,

Do what feels right to you.   If you want to stand, do it.  If you want to,move on, that's okay too.  No one can tell you what's right for you.   I'm trying to figure that out for myself.   It's sad.

Thank you for this!  I love my friends and appreciate their concern for me but they don't understand what I am in the middle of.  Right now I feel the need to keep my family intact.  Financially it is the right thing....plus we have four children 18, 16, 13, 12....they need a FAMILY.  Plus my dad is in the middle of treatment for leukemia and they are living with us for his treatment.  Now is not the time for a divorce.  Those are my thoughts....not his, he might see it differently.

But we do get along, and he does love me.  He hugs me and gives me affection....not romantic but loving.  And you know I think I am ok with that right now.  I don't know...rambling.  I love my husband....he is an awesome person inside.  I love his family.  I guess we just need to redefine our relationship.  Not every marriage is the same. 

I am realizing that I don't need to take his lack of being in love with me as a personal attack.  He is entitled to his feelings.  He can't help how he feels.  I think he has his own things to work through.  I admit my strong personality was probably a stretch for him to deal with from the beginning.  He is pretty calm and reserved, likes calm.  I am not like that....I feel like I do well with chaos and busy.  I don't like the easy route. 

I just look back and think 20 years....it is so long!  I hope we can continue on...  But I am not in control of that right now.  Just learning to NOT be in control is tough for me, but I have to do it!

Anyway....I am going on and on.  Just working through my feelings and thoughts....
If you read this far I appreciate you listening.  I have so much work to do....but I just need to take it day by day....
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #20 on: January 30, 2017, 09:04:50 AM »


I keep reading all these self help books.  None seem to help.  You can't repair your marriage by yourself.  Both parties have to participate. 

I try all these stupid suggestions I read.  Took him away overnight doing all the things I thought he would enjoy.  Didn't soften his heart.  We had fun.  But still he has this brick wall built around him. 


The self-help book industry is one giant scam playing on people's fears and desperation. They try to make you believe if you just follow some rules you will solve all your problems in order to make money for the authors. Honestly, I find the free articles by RCR and HB to be more invaluable than anything in a self-help book you can buy.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #21 on: January 30, 2017, 09:16:33 AM »
Hi JoJo,

You said something that struck a cord.
When you said he told you that was why it wouldn't work because you don't agree with him, like you're not on the same page (like you could be  ::))

I found an article on just that.  I'll see if I can find it and give it to you.  It made perfect sense to me and it actually worked pretty well.

Brb if I can find it.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline HusbandOfMLCer

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #22 on: January 30, 2017, 09:33:38 AM »
Dear JoJo, I am so sorry to read what is happening to you and your family and Father! I wish you all the best possible!

I can totally relate to your feeling when your H told you that, because you are two different people, your marriage would not work and when he claimed that you argue with him... My W made exactly the same comments to me few months back, do they know each other? Seriously, you must have felt so hurt and so helpless, I sure did! But I was looking to meet the people on this Forum and here are some thoughts I learned from them:

Please try to clearly tell your H that wanting a divorce is his choice and right but that you (respectfully) disagree and that you will not do anything to make separation or divorce easy, make clear that you will not enable him to live his fantasy if that is what you want. You can find gems on this page about planting seeds... (As a side note, if you choose to stand, don't live your house!)

Maybe the relationship that your H and you have now is different from what it used to be 20 years, 10 years, even 1 year ago but it is up to your H and you to define your relationship but it takes work and willingness on both side. I, for one, don't want to have now the same relationship that I had with my W in the past 5-10 years... No thank you! But I stand for our marriage because it is up to us to redefine our relationships and being two different people is a strength, no a roadblock!

As for not being in control anymore, you may feel scared and disoriented... for me it came as a shock that I could not control everything (and everyone!) around me but by detaching, you will see all the good that you can do, all the happiness that you can have, without having to control much...

Take well care!
M42 W43
M14 T17
D9 D4
BD: 2016/05/25
In-home separation: 2016/05/25
All-time low and tensions: 2016/08-12
W leaves home: 2017/01/08

Offline Upintheair

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #23 on: January 30, 2017, 10:16:25 AM »
Dear Jojo, I am following your battle . I wish you be wise, and strong and permissive. I wish these for myself too. This is a very long state where we are and we don't know if it ever ends. At least that's how I feel.
"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached."
Simone Weil
Bd: 03-2015

Offline Milly

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #24 on: January 30, 2017, 02:42:03 PM »
Dear Jojo, it's the first time I'm posting on your thread, and I just want to say how sorry I am for the incredible stress you're under right now with your father battling his illness from your home. That would be hard enough on its own without a MLC in the middle.

I imagine you are overwhelmed right now and that makes it harder to find the strength to keep going or to know what to do. I find a huge positive sign when you say that you know your H loves you. He isn't the same man he was before and probably won't be exactly the same ever. However, right now is neither the man of before or the man of the future, so of course you don't have anything in common. He's right in his little crazy way. That's why they go looking for OW who are AD. Our Hs are not themselves. I wouldn't read too much into his comment, it was just one of several options he could have chosen from the MLC script. He might as well have told you you're not meant to be together anymore more because you don't use Downy in the wash. Bad example, I know, but just to show you how utterly meaningless it is.

I say ignore him. Let him be. When he says he's going through with the divorce, I would say it's his divorce, but if it's what you want honey, then go ahead. Give him no obstacles to use against you. Don't fuel his drama. Nothing is set in stone with our guys and we have no power whatsoever over them. But we mustn't believe their MLC jargon. Like the teenage boy who dies his hair blue, just ignore.

I do hope that tomorrow you will feel stronger. Remember how we cycle, and a bad day is often followed by a much better day. xxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #25 on: January 31, 2017, 04:57:53 AM »
So last night I suggested we go out for a drink together after I walked the dog.  He said sure and when I came home he was dressed and ready.  We went out and just had a nice time.  No talk of relationships....nothing but just hanging out and talking about life.  It was nice.  I don't know what it means for the future but I don't want to read into too much.  I called and cancelled my appointment with a lawyer today.  I just don't have it in me right now to go and he hasn't done anything himself just yet, well I don't think so anyway.  I so appreciate all the support I have gotten here.  I need this encouragement to keep positive and in the right direction.  I will continue to log in and try to contribute to others as well!!!  xoxoxo  :)
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #26 on: January 31, 2017, 09:27:02 AM »
Ugh...he just texted me and he is going out to dinner with a colleague who I know is in a miserable marriage and he is the person who gave him the name of a divorce attorney to speak with.  I have to not overthink this.  Not let anxiety get the best of me.  What will happen, will happen.... 
Just hate knowing he will be discussing our relationship with someone who is in an unhappy situation himself.  Misery loves company....here's hoping it is more of a professional business dinner. 
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #27 on: January 31, 2017, 01:55:24 PM »
UGH....sitting here at home KNOWING he is going to go out to dinner with this guy who is going to validate all his feelings on leaving our family is making me crazy.  My stomach is in knots.  I love my husband so much, I love our family, I feel badly that he is so unhappy with me.  I wish he was seeking advice from someone who encouraged him to work with me, to stay together and make things better.  I feel like no one is on the side of the marriage but me....

Will he really go through with divorcing me?  I hate how uncertain our relationship is. 
 
I feel horrible for our children!

Oh no speech therapist is here...bbl
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #28 on: January 31, 2017, 03:02:34 PM »
Full on anxiety attack!!!!  Losing my mind!  Someone talk me off the ledge! 
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #29 on: January 31, 2017, 03:10:52 PM »
Will he really go through with divorcing me? 
I hate how uncertain our relationship is. 
I know you wont want to hear this.
But yes he likely WILL go through with it.

The best thing is for you to DETACH - LET GO,
and go as dark as possible.

That may slow this down.

Your relationship is the casualty of MLC.
It is not the cause of his MLC.

For most people posting here their marriages were over on the day of Bomb Drop.

Sorry you are having a bad day!

It will get better.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #30 on: February 01, 2017, 04:52:06 AM »
Thank you for reaching out OP!  Wow I was a mess!!!  I literally had to pull over into the church parking lot because I was so anxious I was worried I might go off the road! 

So he had his dinner and called on the way home and picked up our daughter from dance for me.  It is funny that all of a sudden he is available for running kids to and from activities in this past few months, never had this much help with our four kids.  Always had help from other mom friends.  I guess it is a good thing that he wants to be there with them.  When he came home he was grumpy kind of.  I asked how his day was, he said good, asked if he had a good dinner, yes....tried to talk about food etc....  But it was not much of a conversation so I left it alone. 

I agree that I have to detach.  I have to let this all go.  It's not my choice....and I can't control his choices. 

I spoke to my niece yesterday, from his side of the family.  She happened to call me right as I was coming off my anxiety.  She is 21 and I love her like she is one of my very own.  She was so kind and loving because I was so sad.  She assured me that I am her family regardless of blood connection.  That really made me feel good.  I was careful not to say anything negative about him.  I told her how I love him and want to make things work.  She said she prays for us everyday.  He doesn't really believe, she feels that is one of his biggest problems, not having faith in God.  I agree.  His family all sees the changes in him.  It isn't just me. 

So today I feel better, I guess this is just how it is going to be for a bit?  Good days and Bad days...when I am in the middle of a bad day I have to remember the good day is coming next!
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #31 on: February 01, 2017, 03:34:01 PM »
JoJo my H was the same.  After pretty much leaving me to the "kid stuff" for most of our marriage, he suddenly wanted to be involved with them.  That I guess is one good thing that has come of this for me, is that he actually realized what good kids he had.  I don't always see him connecting with them emotionally due to the fog, but I am thankful that he didn't ditch the kids completely when he ditched me.

I can also totally empathize with you on the "company they keep" front.  My H also spent a lot of time with a divorced friend of his and other people that weren't good influences while completely ignoring his great married guy friends.  He has since reached out to some of them, but it took him a while to do it.

Sending you some (((HUGS))).
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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HUGE UPDATE! Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #32 on: March 10, 2017, 08:16:20 AM »
Well the truth has come out....
YES
YES
YES 
Everyone was right!
He has been having a full blown affair for YEARS with his skanky front desk girl at his office!

So much has gone on since I was here last.  February 2nd my friends PUSHED me to investigate the chance he was cheating!  One friend led me to one former employee who suspected he was having an affair but had no proof.  She told me to contact another FORMER employee who left the office 2 years ago.  Well that person was so sad to tell me....they felt horrible they knew and didn't come to me....but they came through and set me straight.  I filed for divorce.  He was served and ticked off.  He had no idea that I knew he was cheating, my lawyer told me to stay quiet, I had to see if he would lie on his interrogatory questions.  I tried to keep it quiet, but I cracked after about a month.  He was blaming me and telling me that it was me, my personality, that was why we were divorcing.  My 12 yr old told a friend he was mad at me because his dad is fun and nice and his mom is always mad and filed for divorce.  So I pushed him and pushed him and FINALLY he said it....admitted he was a cheater!

Wow....

Our kids know, (they are 12, 14, 16 and 18) he has had to tell him family and friends.  It has been a humbling experience for him. 

He had to end the affair which I bet is a relief for him, living a double life is exhausting....he can't continue a relationship with her if he wants to rebuild with our children.  They are so betrayed because they not only knew her, but the older two had babysat for her child! 

Oh and in this whole mess....he tore his Achilles tendon!  I had to take him to the ER....help him left and right....and yesterday he had surgery for the repair.  I was of course there for him because I am a good person. 

So anyway....here we are.  I am going forward with the divorce.  I have forgiven him with my heart for his stupidity.  I am working on myself with a new therapist.  He is staying at home with us through his recovery from his surgery and then we will work on transitioning him to an apartment. 

Thank you all for the support and caring and words of encouragement as I tried to stand in my marriage.  I just personally could not stay in this relationship with the amount of lies and betrayal that have gone on.  For me that is a deal breaker.  I hope to go forward and heal myself and my children.  And I hope he is able to heal and repair his relationships too. I told him that good people can do bad things....this does not define him. 

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #33 on: March 13, 2017, 06:52:10 PM »
I'm so sorry. Wow, 2 years.  So very hurtful.  Lots of (((Hugs))) sweetie.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #34 on: July 16, 2017, 07:30:32 AM »
Well life is what happens when you are busy making plans! 

I thought I knew what I wanted.  I was working with my lawyers to end this marriage ASAP.  Then we were searching  for a therapist for our youngest two children.  The therapist we found spoke to both of us separately.  He asked lots of questions about our relationship and what the underlying problems were that undermined our relationship.  He asked if we would consider reconciliation.  I was shocked he would suggest that.  The therapist said he listened to us both and really felt like we could work through this.  He said he heard true remorse in my husband's voice and he felt I had forgiveness within and divorce is not the only route.  I was open to talking and was happily surprised that my husband was on board.  He went first to a solo therapy session, then I went to a session later in the week.  The following Monday we went together and had a two hour therapy session!  It was so positive, painful and hard to discuss, but now it is time to heal.  We are not fixing our broken relationship but we are dating and creatin a new relationship.  He has fired the OW.  He is committed to our family.  I am feeling like we actually are number one!  He is working on connecting with me.  He is still living in an apartment and we are deciding when he should move back home.  I am so glad we met our therapist....he is a Godsend!  We are going to get over this! 
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline strongFaith34

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #35 on: July 16, 2017, 08:05:43 AM »
Great update, i noticed from the reconciliation stories, exposing the affair takes the fun out of it, and pursuing the divorce or divorce date approaching gives the MLCer some clarity. Great job on demanding self respect and not enabling his behavior!

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #36 on: July 16, 2017, 08:45:54 AM »

Wow, what a massive turnaround JJJ! Wishing you all the very best x
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #37 on: July 17, 2017, 04:18:45 PM »
Great update triple J!  Watching this space...
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Milly

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #38 on: July 31, 2017, 11:49:47 PM »
Amazing, Jo Jo, so happy for you. Please update if you can.
Milly
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online BrenM

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #39 on: August 01, 2017, 12:23:19 AM »
JoJoJo - That is awesome!   I am so stoked for your family....family is everything 😘
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #40 on: September 22, 2017, 08:01:54 AM »
Still moving forward in our relationship and I think once we come out the other side of this crazy we will be even better!  We were such an awesome couple, everyone who heard about me filing for divorce and that he had cheated were in shock. 

So he had moved out in May and leased an apartment close to our house.  He signed for a year so he still has the apartment and I haven't asked him to move right back home.  He agrees and we have been "dating" since June.  Sometimes I will ask him to spend the night with me at our house and a few times I have slept over at his apartment with him.  He planned a night away at a hotel/spa for our anniversary in August.  Then in September he planned a long weekend getaway for us and we went to Nashville for two nights and then up to the Kentucky bourbon trail and met up with friends for 2 nights. 

We are still in therapy.  And while it is difficult at times, we get through it. 

Our kids are doing pretty well.  The older two are still somewhat angry with him....they are 18 and 16....the younger two are 14 and 12 and they seem just happy to know their family isn't splitting up. 

I am still not wearing my wedding rings.  And actually I told him I think we need to plan a vow renewal and he needs to get me new rings.  He agrees and said it was something he had already thought about that and it is something he thinks we should do. 

Trying to overcome the negative thoughts I have about myself.  I didn't cause the affair, it wasn't something I did or didn't do.  It was his issue and I also think the OW had a plan of attack to get what she wanted.  She knew what she was doing.

So any positive thoughts and prayers for our continued healing are appreciated. 
Who would have thought this is my life????  So crazy!  It's like the past few years are a bad dream.  I just have to come to trust that this is for real. 
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Daisiesanddrinks

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #41 on: September 22, 2017, 08:59:30 AM »
JoJo,

Thank you for posting. This is just what I needed to read. And I'm SO, SO happy for you that things are finally moving in the right direction!

DaD

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #42 on: January 24, 2018, 08:30:00 AM »
Just some thoughts I want to get out...

So we are coming up on a year that I found out about the affair.  February 2nd.  I think back to the wide eyed trusting naive person I was then....this year has been a crazy reality check for me.  I have been forced out of my happy go lucky bubble I lived in for 47 years of my life.  I loved that safe, secure bubble but it wasn't real.  I  had to learn that not everyone lives their life with the same moral code that I  do....and it was shocking that my husband, a man I have known since I was 12, could be so dishonest.  I mean I  was so sure he would never look into my eyes and lie to me.  I know if he asked me something, even if it was something I was ashamed of and I knew would hurt him, if he asked me point blank I could not lie....but I am a unique individual.  And   he was not himself...it was almost like he was mentally ill for awhile.  He was not in his right mind.

Therapy has been going  great, he is very committed to repairing the damage and communicating honestly with me.  We no longer avoid uncomfortable conversations. I have learned to listen and not sit there trying to formulate my defense, not hearing what he is saying.  Of course I am still me, I am emotionally passionate,  so he has to be patient with me and not walk out and shut down when I take a minute or two to cry and be offended at him being annoyed or upset with me.  But we are learning and growing together.  We have had more emotional growth and understanding  with one another in this past year than we did in all those years before.  But it is hard.  It still hurts.  I am figuring out that his affair was less about me and more about him.  He was dealing with this inner anger, frustration, inability to share his hurt and upset....He also isn't me....I wonder  about myself.  Am I loyal and honest for others?  Or is it really for myself?  Like I am good to others not for them but more for myself.  I don't want to ever look in the mirror and know that I have failed for myself, not for someone else.

I don't know why I am babbling on, I just had to get some of this out.

Reconciliation is great but man it is painful.  I wonder if it is worse than divorce?   I mean worse for me.  If I had divorced him I could have just moved on, knowing he  was a jerk and look to find someone to treat me like I feel I deserve.  Staying     together I have to face myself, and things I do that contribute to our  disconnection.    I know it is the right thing long term.  I look forward to our future....I just wish we could fast forward all this pain and  I fear if I ever run across HER....what will that do to me?  Ugh...

Anyway just getting some thoughts out of my head....

Life is hard sometimes....
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #43 on: January 24, 2018, 04:02:33 PM »
I am sorry it is hard for you at the moment. Many more experiences LBSers have said that reconnection and reconciliation are harder than standing.

But I am happy that you guys are already starting the journey 1 year after BD. I hope that your reconnecting continues successfully and you both heal from this.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #44 on: January 25, 2018, 04:55:18 AM »
It sounds like a lot of work JO but like you said it should be worth it....
I am sure that everybody here is cheerleading you at the Moment  ;)

Im from the UK and live in Germany. planning on visiting Nashville too this year. An evening at the Bluebird is planned, would be nice to Play a song or 2 but there are waiting lists and auditions  :o.
Nevermind, all the best to you and thanks for sharing, we Need more stories like yours...
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #45 on: January 26, 2018, 09:50:11 PM »
Good to hear from you!  Yes, I have heard that reconciliation is not for the faint of heart.  I hope that you both continue to make positive steps.  (((HUGS)))
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #46 on: January 29, 2018, 10:27:23 AM »
The stress of the upcoming anniversary of finding out about the affair officially got to me!  We had a two hour therapy session yesterday and I just lost it, sobbing and sobbing.  I was to the point I could barely speak.   I am trying to get over this and move forward in our  relationship but it is so hard.  I can't help but think of the deception and the disrespect he had for me during that affair.  It wasn't like he had a moment of insanity, it was an ongoing 2 1/2 years of a physical relationship (longer EA with her), coming home to me and the kids acting like MY PERSONALITY caused the distance between us.  Sure we weren't perfect, we didn't communicate and when we did he felt like I spoke to him like he was a child, one of my students (I am an Elementary school teacher) and I understand that the disconnect was something I had a part in.....but the affair part is so devastating to me and I had nothing to do with that, that was 100% his choice!  How in the world can I trust him?  He was so upset too....we sat in the car after therapy talking and he cried too.  He told me that he is choosing me....forever, and that he is so sorry for the pain he has caused.  He says he takes full responsibility for this mess.  It was very nice to  hear, I believe he is sincere but it is still so upsetting that this happened.  Makes me so angry! 
Anyway just looking to get this out..... 
Pray for me to have strength on Friday, that is the anniversary of me finding out.  He says he is going to take me out and do something special with me, for me.....to try to make it a special day for us, rather than a sad day. 
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #47 on: January 29, 2018, 12:43:27 PM »
I am sorry for the pain you are going through about the affair bomb drop.

But I am happy to see that your husband is acting like a husband...and a remorseful one at that. I hope you continue to see progress, and look back at this one day and see that all your pain now was worth it to repair your M. You are strong and doing great.  :-*
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #48 on: January 29, 2018, 07:49:11 PM »
I am sorry for the pain you are going through about the affair bomb drop.

But I am happy to see that your husband is acting like a husband...and a remorseful one at that. I hope you continue to see progress, and look back at this one day and see that all your pain now was worth it to repair your M. You are strong and doing great.  :-*

Ditto to what MB said.

Sending you some (((HUGS)))

Just think if you weren't reconnecting.  You would still have this trigger day, plus anger at him for still being a blind bat.  At least he seems to have regained some sight, if it's any consolation?
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #49 on: February 01, 2018, 08:36:57 AM »
I am sorry for the pain you are going through about the affair bomb drop.

But I am happy to see that your husband is acting like a husband...and a remorseful one at that. I hope you continue to see progress, and look back at this one day and see that all your pain now was worth it to repair your M. You are strong and doing great.  :-*

Ditto to what MB said.

Sending you some (((HUGS)))

Just think if you weren't reconnecting.  You would still have this trigger day, plus anger at him for still being a blind bat.  At least he seems to have regained some sight, if it's any consolation?

I am focusing on the positives.....and I agree what you have both said. 

I am happy to share that tomorrow, on the anniversary of my life being turned upside down, my husband has arranged for us to go as a family to an escape room.  You know the kind of thing where they put you in a room with a puzzle and clues to figure out and you have to all work together to try to figure it out?  Kind of a "team building" activity.  Anyway we have four children 19, 17, 14, 13 who have been put through so much with this MLC, we really didn't have a proper "family connection" between all of us for years.  It truly was me and the kids, and then him.....so my heart is touched that he decided to make this day a family event.  He reserved the escape room at 6pm, he arranged with each of the kids to be available, no other plans for Friday night.  And after we go he wants us all to go out to dinner together. 

At first I thought I wanted a night away, just us.....but really I am beyond pleased to see he is thinking of ALL OF US!  Because really we ALL need to reestablish connections with him....he was distant from all of us, he didn't just cheat on me, he cheated on our family. 

Another thing to report is he is really working on us (him and I) being a TEAM at home.  He has backed me up with the kids and I am not the "bad guy" and him the "fun one" like it had been for so long.  I have a chore chart in the kitchen where I post what I need to kids to do in terms of housework.  They are all teenagers and you have to gently remind (AKA nag and b!tch at them) to get their chores done.  Well for years it is me, me getting on them.....I had to be the heavy.  Well recently he has been getting on them....just saying "do the chores your mom posted for you"  and not letting them get away with excuses or deflections. 

And to end this with a funny comment my 13 yr old said.....   "Hey Mom, I really like the new daddy....it's like we have Daddy2.0"   
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Whyus

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #50 on: February 01, 2018, 08:46:30 AM »
Great Post jo and i just Love what your 13 yo said...
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #51 on: February 03, 2018, 04:15:39 AM »
Yesterday was awesome!  Instead of reliving the horrible days that got us to this point,  I decided to focus on how far we’ve come!  I am so proud of us and I am amazed at my own strength.  I am also so happy that my H has finally done avoiding conflict.  He stays in the room and we finish our disagreements, we don’t just pretend everything is fine!

So first thing....I get flowers at work with a card that says “Jojo you are strong and I love you!”  Then I found out that my entry of Buffalo Chicken Chili won first place in our staff chili cook off at the school I teach!  I had no idea there were real prizes!  $100 gc for Chili’s for an after school outing with my team at School! Then I get home and
all four kiddos Were ready and waiting  after school/work.  We went to a room escape down in Atlanta and I am happy to say...
We did it!  We finished the puzzle and our family successfully escaped from Alcatraz!  We even had like 20 min leftover! After we went to eat dinner at a Mexican restaurant and decided it was early, only 7:30...let’s go to a movie.  We killed time at the mall before the movie started as the kids separated from us to shop.  H and I looked at purses and they had great clearance so H bought me a new navy blue Dooney and Bourke bag! $385 purse for $112!  It’s so pretty...I love it!  Movie theater we went to sold both icees (slush/frozen Cooke) AND BEER!  Local craft IPA for him and bud light for me! Saw jumanji and it was good to all be together and hearing my kiddos laughing together and sharing popcorn.  After the movie came home and fell asleep with our two fluffy dog snuggled up together  in our bed!
 I have to say we didn’t just survive the affair....we are going above and beyond! 
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #52 on: February 03, 2018, 05:47:33 AM »
So happy for you Jo. What a fantastic way to over ride a bad anniversary in your memory.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #53 on: February 07, 2018, 01:45:41 PM »
"Hey Mom, I really like the new daddy....it's like we have Daddy2.0"   

Love it!

Glad that BD day you guys made new memories.   :)
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #54 on: February 09, 2018, 04:50:36 AM »
You know for all the great moments of reconnecting and being happy that my husband is seeing things clearly there is still such a dark area in my brain that I don't think will ever go away.  Yesterday I just had a tough day.  I hate how I feel!  It is such a sh!tty hand to be dealt.  How do I ever trust him again?  I mean he is doing and saying all the right things.  He is supportive and we go to therapy and he is open and communicating.....but why did he have to do such a disrespectful thing to me and our children to see how to be a good father and husband? 

I know there isn't anything anyone can say to answer this..... 
This is just something that I will have to deal with over time. 
I just needed a place to get this out.  I really wish I could pull the covers over my head and snuggle up with my dogs all day!  But I did get up, showered and dressed and here I am at work. 


Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #55 on: February 09, 2018, 07:36:07 AM »
JoJo, 
If you find an easy answer/way too the question of trust?? Please share it.
I wish I had some good advice on that one.
JoJo, I do think it will come back. Especially when he showing you actions.  The heart will accept it and trust again.

Offline No expectations

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #56 on: February 09, 2018, 10:10:27 AM »
Hi Jojo,

 I'm so glad you had such a wonderful outing with your husband and family. As trusting him again, I think that's The $64,000 Question, isn't it? I see how much Barbie doll struggles with it, and I'm sure at some point I will feel the same, if we get to that point. As much as none of us have the answer here, we do have the understanding. And we're here for you.is
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #57 on: February 09, 2018, 11:25:06 AM »
I am no where near reconnecting etc..but obviously as a LBS we ponder all this stuff...

I have read a lot about regaining trust after an affair. Tons of articles online.

The reality I think is you will build back that trust like ''oh he went for a coffee after work, ow won't be there''. But I don't think you will ever get rid of the...mental questions now. Before if my husband was late from work I knew he was just dragging his feet or buying a game or something stupid. I think now you would question it more, look for patterns (is it always on a Monday?!). You want to trust them, and will to a point...but never to the blind innocent way we did before.

I am not sure I would even trust someone new the same way. It would be really hard to trust someone so fully they could betray you so thoroughly again. I think we will all have a little tiny dash of ...insecurity? paranoia? on guard?...not sure of the word. But it will be there for good now I think, for our husband, friends, or even new partners.

At least that is how I feel at the moment.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #58 on: February 12, 2018, 12:29:49 PM »
I have lost so many friends bc I have reconciled.  So many friends have distanced themselves from me, they don't understand that I am not rushing in, I have been married for 21 years, I have known him since I was in middle school, we have 4 children.....  But because they haven't been there for me, and he has opened himself up to be there.....my marriage is growing stronger and we are connecting more and more!  So while it is sad to see friendships slipping away.....it is nice to have my husband as my best friend.  I don't think we were really best friends like this in years and years.  So long ago it is hard to remember....but glad that I have him back again!
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #59 on: February 12, 2018, 12:34:54 PM »
Aww that is really nice to hear Jo.

That is probably what I miss most.

My best friend.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #60 on: February 13, 2018, 07:09:49 AM »
Aww that is really nice to hear Jo.

That is probably what I miss most.

My best friend.

Why is it so hard to find a supportive friend?  I feel like I am having to move on to an entirely new group of friends bc the ones who were there through the affair aren't willing to stay through the reconciliation.  I don't get it. 
« Last Edit: February 13, 2018, 08:12:14 AM by JoJoJo »
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Online Treasur

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #61 on: February 13, 2018, 07:15:05 AM »
JoJo...I think most humans are driven by fear or love...when friends can't/won't support you, it is either about their fear for you or their fear for them of MLC somehow being contagious, I guess. Still disappointing particularly with close friends, but I've found only a few rare folks can stand with you while not judging at all.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #62 on: February 13, 2018, 01:05:26 PM »
JoJo...I think most humans are driven by fear or love...when friends can't/won't support you, it is either about their fear for you or their fear for them of MLC somehow being contagious, I guess. Still disappointing particularly with close friends, but I've found only a few rare folks can stand with you while not judging at all.

Two of my very close friends who have essentially told me they are fine with my choice to go back to him BUT they do not want to hear about any struggles I might have in my relationship.  Both said they had given so much of their personal time in the time leading up to me finding out he was cheating and as I was processing it all and going to lawyers, him moving out, etc...  that they will not give any more of their time to discuss my relationship.  One of them also told me she watched me hurt, crying, losing weight and suffering and she can't be there for me as I try to work through this because it is painful for her and she worries I might be hurt again and she can't go through that. 
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Whyus

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #63 on: February 14, 2018, 04:15:48 AM »
Im sorry about your friends Jo but it sounds like they are just worried about you. They are probably expecting it all to kick off again one day and they dont want to have to see you go through all the BS again....
Its a toughy for them, they dont understand the process as we do. Give them time and if they are true friends then they will be there for you.
Nobody wants to be in a Position to have to say "I told you so" to a good friend.
All the best
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #64 on: March 01, 2018, 07:14:55 AM »
Ok so we were speaking of my friends who abandoned me for taking him back....but last night HE was contacted by a friend who abandoned him when the news of the affair came to light.  This friend was someone who he hung out with all the time, very close guy friend who he went on guy's weekends with, played poker and had "man cave" nights with.  Once the news of the affair came out this friend was very vocal that he did not wish to be in the company of my H.  Once we were reconciling and other friends said to him that his wife is forgiving him, why can't you.....he said "She can do what she wants but I do not want him around me."  So if we were guests of mutual friends, he and his wife would not attend.  When a mutual friend was having a big 40th birthday party this guy made sure he was clear that if my H was invited, he would not attend....and my H ended up not being invited.  At Christmas my H decided he would reach out via text to this friend, just a Merry Christmas, Happy 2018 message....saying I hope you and your family are doing well, if you ever want to talk shoot me a text.  H didn't hear back until yesterday at work, and he wanted my H to meet him out to talk.  My H went into it not knowing what would be said, he was a little nervous.  Well come to find out this friend wanted to explain why he was so upset about the affair, apparently his father had cheated on his mother growing up.  His dad left his family and became a huge jerk and a drinker.  He said he was so upset by it, it was bringing his own emotions up from his childhood.  Recently in therapy it came up that he was upset and had abandon H after all these bad feelings from childhood came up.  His therapist told him it might be a good idea to resolve these feelings by speaking with H.  It was a really productive get together.  H was saying that speaking to an adult who went through his father cheating on his mother, and knowing one day this will be his own children was just so eye opening.  He said he was actually teary eyed thinking of our children at 38 still dealing with the emotions of his affair.  His friend did tell him one of the reasons he felt good speaking to my H again was that he didn't do what his dad did.  He ended the affair, he is working on being there for both his wife and his children, he has recommitted himself to his family.  His father left, continued to be a hot mess and his mother and he and his brothers had to pick up the pieces.  He told my H he was glad to see he is taking care of his family.  That made my H feel good.  But I will say he did tell my H that he needs to know that his wife and children will NEVER be the same.  He reminded my H to continue being the best dad and husband he can be because this WILL be something his children will carry into adulthood.  Reality check for H!
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Online Treasur

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #65 on: March 01, 2018, 07:48:05 AM »
How truly courageous of both men, Jo...but it sounds as if it was a healing conversation for both of them.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #66 on: March 01, 2018, 07:52:11 AM »
And more evidence that the ripple of pain affects more people than we realise. 
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #67 on: March 02, 2018, 10:15:52 PM »
That’s a great post JJJ. Serendipity at work there I think 😊
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Anjae

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #68 on: March 03, 2018, 02:29:45 AM »

Why is it so hard to find a supportive friend?  I feel like I am having to move on to an entirely new group of friends bc the ones who were there through the affair aren't willing to stay through the reconciliation.  I don't get it.

Before you knew about MLC how would you have reacted if a friend would got back together with a cheating spouse, let alone a spouse who had a MLC?

And how would you react if your reconciled/in reconciliation friends would attend common events?

Before I knew a thing about MLC I wouldn't want a woman that had taken her cheating, hurtful husband back around me, let alone the man. It would be a couple I would cut off.

Even now, I don't know how I would react to such a couple, and I am certain many of my family members and several friends would not be kind or see a reconciliation with Mr J with good eyes.

And why should they? MLCers cheat, hurt, lie, get into legalities, often do much, much worst. Are they really worthy of friends and family support, given what friends and family saw us going through?

Good talk between both men. Your husband was lucky his friend talked to him.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #69 on: March 05, 2018, 05:06:34 AM »

Why is it so hard to find a supportive friend?  I feel like I am having to move on to an entirely new group of friends bc the ones who were there through the affair aren't willing to stay through the reconciliation.  I don't get it.

Before you knew about MLC how would you have reacted if a friend would got back together with a cheating spouse, let alone a spouse who had a MLC?

And how would you react if your reconciled/in reconciliation friends would attend common events?

Before I knew a thing about MLC I wouldn't want a woman that had taken her cheating, hurtful husband back around me, let alone the man. It would be a couple I would cut off.

Even now, I don't know how I would react to such a couple, and I am certain many of my family members and several friends would not be kind or see a reconciliation with Mr J with good eyes.

And why should they? MLCers cheat, hurt, lie, get into legalities, often do much, much worst. Are they really worthy of friends and family support, given what friends and family saw us going through?

Good talk between both men. Your husband was lucky his friend talked to him.


Anjae-
You know I do know how I would react because a good friend of mine had a similar situation happen about 2 years before I found out about my H cheating.  I was there to meet her for coffee during her divorce.  She did a super quick divorce and it was over and done with in about a month.  Well then about 6 months later he came back, said he was sorry.  He knew he was wrong.  They have four children like myself.  She decided to take him back, and they decided to get remarried on their original wedding date.  It had only been a year since their divorce and they were remarried.  I did question her about her choice.  I asked her why they needed to remarried so quickly, why not wait?  She discussed why she was doing what she was doing with me.  I didn't necessarily agree with her choice but I AM HER FRIEND.....and it is her life....she is an adult.  I figured my job was to be her friend and support what she thought was best for her family.  I even went to her remarriage, brought them a wedding gift.  I have always been nothing but kind and friendly in his presence.  I mean I certainly had my opinions but I would never just drop her as a friend, she is the last one who needs more backlash from people who should be supporting and loving her.  I don't know.....  I sort of get the initial knee jerk reaction of WTF are you doing????  But once the person tells me that they thought it through, they feel it is the best choice for their family.....that is that.  But I guess if that is the way someone will treat me in a time of crisis....I don't need them in my life.
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #70 on: March 06, 2018, 04:08:02 AM »
Well they do say you don't know who your true friends are until the $h!te hits the fan.

We are all learning that lesson with a mountain of crap in a wind turbine.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Gigielle

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #71 on: March 07, 2018, 09:32:02 AM »
Anjae-
You know I do know how I would react because a good friend of mine had a similar situation happen about 2 years before I found out about my H cheating.  I was there to meet her for coffee during her divorce.  She did a super quick divorce and it was over and done with in about a month.  Well then about 6 months later he came back, said he was sorry.  He knew he was wrong.  They have four children like myself.  She decided to take him back, and they decided to get remarried on their original wedding date.  It had only been a year since their divorce and they were remarried.  I did question her about her choice.  I asked her why they needed to remarried so quickly, why not wait?  She discussed why she was doing what she was doing with me.  I didn't necessarily agree with her choice but I AM HER FRIEND.....and it is her life....she is an adult.  I figured my job was to be her friend and support what she thought was best for her family.  I even went to her remarriage, brought them a wedding gift.  I have always been nothing but kind and friendly in his presence.  I mean I certainly had my opinions but I would never just drop her as a friend, she is the last one who needs more backlash from people who should be supporting and loving her.  I don't know.....  I sort of get the initial knee jerk reaction of WTF are you doing????  But once the person tells me that they thought it through, they feel it is the best choice for their family.....that is that.  But I guess if that is the way someone will treat me in a time of crisis....I don't need them in my life.

AGREED. If I'm your friend, my job is to lift you up in prayer, be a voice of truth & ultimately support YOU. I cannot hold someones sins against them, as I have done my fair share of sinning in my lifetime.  If they have asked forgiveness, and are genuinely trying to make amends, who am I to deny them that right?
M: 42
H: 41
D: 17 S: 16 - both ours
Married 09.19.98 (19 years)
DB #1: 08.18.17-EA (ended)
DB #2: 09.23.17-ILYBNILWY
Still at Home-Never Left

My Previous Thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9452.0

*"This is the year I will be stronger, braver, kinder, unstoppable and this year, I will be fierce."

*The pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming." -Romans 8.18

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #72 on: March 07, 2018, 09:50:19 PM »
I see both sides, and for various reasons. When my daughter was 16, I would not have let a man who cheated on his wife anywhere near her, UNLESS I knew him really well, and knew he was remorseful and felt in my heart he would never cheat again. And even then, I'd be leery. Why? Because I can only judge people by the actions they show me. Had I been friends with the wife who was cheated on, I would still be her friend, but don't know if I could be his friend (depends on the friendship in general).

On the other hand, if he cheated on her again, I don't know that I would want to hear it, so specifying that in advance in not necessarily a bad thing. Then everybody gets to make an informed choice. Would my once cheated upon friend still want to be my friend if she knew my limitations regarding the situation? Maybe yes, maybe no.

Your friends watched you devastated, saw how you were treated, shored you up when you were falling down. There is no doubt they are fearful it's going to happen again. Why would they NOT think that? If you want them to not judge you, you also need to not judge them. Just like you probably needed time to decide to let your H return, they may also need time to see he's not going to hurt you like that again.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #73 on: April 27, 2018, 12:00:14 PM »
Hey everyone!  Checking in again. 

So things are going well with H.  Last weekend his year lease on his apartment was up.  We spent Friday and Saturday clearing it out and moving everything back home.
OMG I was tired....he and his brother moved furniture, our 13 and 15 yr old boys helped, and I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more.  H said the apartment was cleaner as he moved out than it was when he moved in!  Now our garage is full of furniture and it's not bad timing, our oldest is 19 and in college.  He and friends are looking to rent a house for next year so it will be perfect, their kitchen will be fully stocked.  I hit lots of garage sales to help H have things for the apartment last spring. 

Emotionally I feel pretty good.  There are still so many sad moments.  Where as much as I love him and I am glad he has come to his senses and has recommitted himself as a husband and being a good father (he was never a bad father....just very self centered and distant and not a great partner to me in parenting), I feel some bitterness.  Like I feel so mad!  And I can't shake that sometimes.  It just sucks!  I know it takes time.....but sometimes I feel sick and tired of feeling sick and tired....you know what I mean? 

On the friend front.....I appreciate everyone's thoughts on it.  I really do.  And I know I am asking not to be judged but I am being judgy on how they feel.....and yes they have a right to their feelings.  I guess it is just disappointing.  I think that is the real thing I feel.  Maybe it's not anger.   Even when it comes to H.  I am just so disappointed!!!  And I guess I am blessed that I lived 47 years before I ever experienced any major disappointment from someone in my life that I loved.  But even though it waited 47 to arrive, the disappointment still freakin' sucks!  It's like a let down I guess....hate it!  And I am not being ugly to my girlfriends at all.  I am still kind and reach out to say hello.  I try to act completely normal.  It does hurt not getting invited to certain social outings but I am just finding other things to do.

I just wanted to check in....say I am still alive!  We are still going to therapy.  This sure has been a crazy journey!  Never would have thought this would be my life but right now I am working on living it the best that I can!  Life is tough, but so am I!
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #74 on: April 27, 2018, 12:15:09 PM »
Aww I am glad to hear he has moved back home and is committed to working on the marriage.

That is great news for you, and you sound great. :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online shopgirl

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #75 on: April 27, 2018, 12:44:02 PM »
following along. :)
M: 43
H: 42
Married: 20 yrs
D19 & S18
Discovered ow 19 months ago, had been going on for 8 months prior- at this point, I believe ow is gone.
Was in replay for 32 months (approx)
Lived at home until 11 months ago- now lives in his office and sleeps in a sleeping bag.  Has moved back in & out 3 times, is showing the desire to be with me & the kids as a family, just not strong enough to do it yet.
Depression & Withdrawal are evident and come & go.  When they aren't as heavy, he is in continuous contact with me, when they engulf him, he is a hermit and talks to no-one.  I've seen a pattern on 4 days "on", 4 days "off"... He has been consistent in this for a little over two months.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #76 on: April 27, 2018, 01:14:15 PM »
Wish yall the best JoJo. Hoping it all works out.
Yes, feeling sick and tired of feeling that way. I know what you mean.
Hang in there.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #77 on: May 17, 2018, 12:23:06 PM »
I hate anxiety!  I never had anxiety before this and now it creeps in and I find myself clenching my teeth and I do this foot thing where my foot shakes when I am upset.  I hate it!  My heart races and I feel all ugly inside. 

Things with my H are good....but every once in awhile I feel like he didn't want me before so why does he want me now????  I have gained weight and I was super skinny in an unhealthy dealing with trauma way before.  Now I have about 20 lbs to lose and we go to the beach June 2nd....ummmmm so that might not happen.  I just wish all these $h!tety feelings would go away.  I haven't come to peace with the fact that yes, this happened to me and no I didn't deserve it.  I guess all the time he was in the thick of MLC and he was telling me I was the problem in our marriage, it was my personality, I was the one who needed to change are really hard memories to let go of.  He swears that it was the crazy MLC talking.  He didn't want to deal with the real issues he was having inside himself so it was easier to put it on me. 

Anyway I just had to get that out....so hard to talk to people who haven't been through it.  They are so busy trying to fix things and tell me that I am amazing and it was his issue.  I get that....I know that in my brain....it is just my heart and ego that sometimes slips into the insecurity mode and no one seems to be able to validate that and say yes....I get what you feel! 

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #78 on: May 18, 2018, 12:45:16 AM »
I hear you sister, I’m not reconciling (D this week - filing of said document by me caused H to be desperate to try to work things out, but I have moved on). Anyway, not sure if it is the D this week, or financials that are being sorted and stressful, but I have been having trouble sleeping, and my anxiety is bad. I feel it in my stomach - sort of a cold, uneasy feeling. It’s awful. Hope some people stop past and give some good ideas on managing anxiety. Wishing you all the best JJJ
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Online Treasur

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #79 on: May 18, 2018, 03:01:33 AM »
I hate anxiety too, Jo Jo - never had it before this bit of my life experience, less now but it still pops back like a bad hangover now and then. Would it help to break it into two halves, the anxiety bit and punching the nose of the root of it? The first I found was mostly physical...accepting it, almost like a menopausal hot flush, and finding ways to ride it out and make it smaller. Different things for different folks...breathing, doing something physical, distracting your head, a bit of radical self-care.

And smashing the root? You know, something horrible and inexplicable happened to you. It blew stuff up, made everything uncertain, was really painful and scary and nothing you did seemed to be able to stop it. You'd be an idiot if that didn't leave a residue. Your H seems to be saying and doing things that clearly confirm that this wasn't about you and you didn't deserve it. But it still happened, didn't it? And you've not quite found your spot to be at peace with that, to feel safe and enough even though it happened? Do you know what the underlying fear is really about? Or what you could do to feel 5% safer?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #80 on: May 22, 2018, 12:25:25 PM »
I am starting with a new therapist tonight.  I go to a 6:30pm session.  I intend to continue with therapy and not quit bc it feels hard or I just can't deal. 
Wish me luck!   :)
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Online shopgirl

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #81 on: May 22, 2018, 12:39:04 PM »
Good luck, Jo! 

XoXo
M: 43
H: 42
Married: 20 yrs
D19 & S18
Discovered ow 19 months ago, had been going on for 8 months prior- at this point, I believe ow is gone.
Was in replay for 32 months (approx)
Lived at home until 11 months ago- now lives in his office and sleeps in a sleeping bag.  Has moved back in & out 3 times, is showing the desire to be with me & the kids as a family, just not strong enough to do it yet.
Depression & Withdrawal are evident and come & go.  When they aren't as heavy, he is in continuous contact with me, when they engulf him, he is a hermit and talks to no-one.  I've seen a pattern on 4 days "on", 4 days "off"... He has been consistent in this for a little over two months.

Offline No expectations

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #82 on: May 22, 2018, 01:45:29 PM »
Good luck Jo.  This journey through LBS world has taught me a lot about myself.   Between therapy,  a lot of reading and journaling, soul searching, and of course this site, I will say I feel good about myself,  in a way I didn't before.

I understand that I have shame issues now.   Understanding doesn't make them magically go away, but it does help me see why I react certain ways to stressful situations,  which helps me be able to talk myself off cliffs.  I understand that I have abandonment issues.  I know why, and understand it's not my fault.   

Reading and rereading the Four Agreements has helped give me a sense of peace and control in my life.  It has helped me reason through my own disappointment in others actions.  Not just my h, but others that I would have expectations of. 

As much as I hate MLC, and wish I'd never, ever heard that term, I am proud of my growth, and in a strange way, better for the experience.

I hope you can get past your anxiety and find the strong, peaceful,  loving soul that is within, and truly wrap yourself in your own love.
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #83 on: May 22, 2018, 07:43:49 PM »
Good luck JJJ, wishing you well with it.

Beautiful words NoEx!
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #84 on: May 23, 2018, 09:53:35 AM »
JoJo

Good for you getting therapy. Hope it goes well.

Not sure if it would help you at all but speaking for myself I’d love to hear more about your H and what he is saying about his MLC like this..
I guess all the time he was in the thick of MLC and he was telling me I was the problem in our marriage, it was my personality, I was the one who needed to change are really hard memories to let go of.  He swears that it was the crazy MLC talking.  He didn't want to deal with the real issues he was having inside himself so it was easier to put it on me.

Glad it’s mainly good with H though, and that you are no longer super skinny dealing with trauma. That actually describes my H quite well!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #85 on: May 23, 2018, 10:28:58 AM »
No Ex- thank you for that.....that is my ultimate goal, to look back on all this mess with a sense of accomplishment for where we have gone and stronger than ever personally and in our relationship.

Therapy did go well but man it was like digging into that wound all over again.  I had told our couples therapist and H that was why I didn't want to get into individual therapy bc I didn't think I could take it along side of working on us.  But we are pretty good as a couple right now, way better than we were even 6 months ago so it is time.  I feel like I need to get to the point where I can accept this is what happened and it is a fact.  I still find myself saying that "I can't believe this happened".  That is not healthy.  So that is my personal goal in therapy.  I did wake up at 4am sobbing though and woke H up to tell him I hate what he did and I hate that I have to deal with all this.  He assured me he feels terrible every single day that he was the person he was during that MLC.  He really needs to find an individual therapist for himself.  I told him that again yesterday bc history can repeat itself if you don't take care of the underlying issues.  He said I will never do that again and I reminded him that 5 years ago if you asked him if he would ever have an affair he would have said exactly the same thing.....and look at what happened.  He agreed with me and said yes he needs to find someone.  Maybe bc I am leading by example it will help him to do what he needs to do! 

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #86 on: June 04, 2018, 06:17:16 PM »
Thinking of you triple J!  Rebuilding is not easy, so I've heard.  I'm thrilled that your H is wanting to do the work to get there though.  Sending you some ((((HUGS)))
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #87 on: July 21, 2018, 02:39:54 AM »
How's things going Jojo?
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #88 on: September 12, 2018, 08:42:16 AM »
Wow I haven't been here in so long.  I have continued therapy and it's been good.  I still have feelings of low self esteem and I feel angry that I didn't trust my gut and allowed myself to be manipulated by him.  But I am learning to be kinder to myself.   I recognized I had been drinking way too much to dull those feelings so I have cut way back on that!  I still drink but not every single night and when I do I try to only have two drinks max.
 He and I are still going to couples therapy.  That has been good.  I feel like our communication has improved.  We are closer.  We share way more than we used to.
We celebrated our 22 anniversary at the end of August.
I was promoted at work recently.  I was a parapro (teacher's aide) and I am now officially a teacher.  Essentially the same job but more responsibility and more money!  The money part is awesome.  It's a new promotion so it will be awhile before I see a pay increase but that is ok.  I do love my job. 
So not too much to update.  Life has been so much better than it was when he was in the middle of his crazy! 
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #89 on: September 13, 2018, 02:23:43 AM »
Congrats on the promotion!

Glad to see things are going well with the reconnecting. Hopefully all the crazy is behind you guys.  ;D
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #90 on: September 14, 2018, 01:51:50 AM »
JoJoJo

It’s lovely to read that your life is so much better after the crazy, and that you are drinking less. 

So glad your life is like this now.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #91 on: September 21, 2018, 04:57:07 PM »
Good to hear from you triple J!  Congrats on the promotion.   ;D
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #92 on: October 09, 2018, 11:53:04 AM »
So I say I am going to cut back on drinking and then I get trashed and spend the entire next day sick in bed hungover!  But.....this time I mean it....  I do not need alcohol to relax.  I need to face social situations sober.  I was never the big drinker yet I always had a blast out in social situations. Ok stated it right here....so let's stick to no drinking!  I can do it!  Go me!  (yep my own cheerleader)

Work is contributing to my stress.  I need to get things organized here but some of that will just take time.  I did get a paycheck and wow....that was nice.  My salary literally doubled with the promotion so it's a shocker to see that deposit! 

I keep having setbacks and triggers remembering things about the affair and the time leading up to the affair.  I am super hard on myself, I logically know I didn't cause the affair but I emotionally feel like a loser who couldn't keep their husband happy or not worth it to him to stay true to me.  Thankfully with these breakdowns my husband takes it all in stride.  He knows he caused this mess and he needs to be patient and stick through all the trauma that unfolds.  We went to therapy on Sunday....our therapist is an Orthodox Jew and so he works on Sunday and we do two hour appointments.  So that works so well for us....no one has to take off of work or rush after work to get there and usually Sunday afternoon is low key with no set plans so if it is rough sessions I can hide out in bed to take an emotional break from life afterwards. Therapy went well.  I still have this need to hear the real WHY....what was worth throwing our relationship away?  I know I will never really get an answer that will make me feel better.  I think I just have this desire to understand.  I totally get the "mistake" and how he got caught up in the affair....but I don't get the duration of it.  The fact that he was DONE and didn't want the affair to continue but.....stayed in it...on and off....for years!  years!
Ugh!  I wonder if I will ever be the same me....I was so carefree and I saw the best in people.  I really look at people so differently now.  People suck.  I am so angry that I have lost friends over this.  Women who were my closest friends.  Who I shared everything with.  The minute I took him back they backed off.  Didn't want to hear anything I might complain about in life.  Basically the "well this is what you wanted" when I decided to reconcile.  They thought I should move on....this was my chance.  I don't know....  Now I am babbling. 

So my goal is to quit drinking.....lose 20 lbs....and get myself emotionally stable.....  Not too much to ask of myself is it? 

Well this post was more for me....no one has to reply.  I just had to get these thoughts out of my head!  I swear I need a spa day....at an all inclusive resort....on the beach in the Caribbean...all alone!  LOL Not asking for much!
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #93 on: October 10, 2018, 04:05:33 PM »
Thanks for sharing where your head is at J. It sounds like things going really well and there is a real honesty between you and your H. You have a great understand of H, no pretense, just reality. Good on you, hope the new job continues well, good luck with the alcohol abstinence!
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #94 on: October 14, 2018, 03:08:41 PM »
Still not drinking.  Although I have been tempted to have a few to relax....but haven't. 

So this has been bothering me....nothing I can do about it....but....it pisses me off so I am looking to vent here. 

Our neighborhood has a pretty tight "high school almost" social group.  Before the news was out that we were getting a divorce because he had cheated we were a big part of that group.  Included in ALL the social gatherings.  Once the news broke I was still included on the invite list but the minute we decided to reconcile.....*crickets*....no invites at all.  And it is funny because we have teenagers who are neighborhood babysitters, so they are called to come babysit and the friends who have our kids come babysit try to be super stealth and not reveal that they are attending parties we were normally a big part of....but I purposely will say "OH IS IT THE XYZ FAMILY'S BBQ?"  Or recently "OH RIGHT....TIME OF THE YEAR FOR THE XYZ FAMILY TO HAVE THE ANNUAL HALLOWEEN PARTY"  I understand that many people think my husband is a scumbag....they judge.  They don't want to socialize with him.  They piss me off.....I am also pissed at my husband for cheating and putting this "scarlet letter" on us as a couple.  Do you know what I mean? I just hate this!  And I didn't do anything to deserve any of this.  I feel ugly about it.  I know there is nothing I can do about it but it just sucks!  I totally act like it is fine to my friends who are planning their costumes for the upcoming Halloween party.  I mean I know they try to avoid talking about it too much when I am around and it isn't their fault my husband is a cheater.  But anyway....that is my vent....   Reconciling is so hard in so many ways!

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #95 on: October 14, 2018, 04:15:27 PM »

Our neighborhood has a pretty tight "high school almost" social group.  Before the news was out that we were getting a divorce because he had cheated we were a big part of that group.  Included in ALL the social gatherings.  Once the news broke I was still included on the invite list but the minute we decided to reconcile.....*crickets*....no invites at all. 

Look at it as an opportunity. First of all, you see these people's true colors and if it is almost high school then you probably have to admit to yourself these couples were probably pretty immature to begin with and aren't really adult social material.  You don't need people who are judging you for your personal life in your life. If they are acting like this , then they are also gossiping about you and they are jerks who don't deserve any tears. In high school, you almost fall into your friends simply because they are there, they are convenient, but as an  adult, you get to choose the friends who you have something in common with besides proximity.

So are there any activities or hobbies with a social angle that your husband and you have always wanted to try but haven't? Sports, outdoor activities, volunteer activities? Instead of spend time with these cliquish people who just happen to own property next to you, why don't you find some new activities through which you can make new friends that you have something in common with and rebond with your husband? You say you want to lose weight, so maybe there is some sort of activity where you can get some exercise and meet people at the same time.
« Last Edit: October 14, 2018, 04:17:19 PM by GonerinGhana »

Offline Thunder

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #96 on: October 15, 2018, 06:40:49 AM »
Jo,

All I have to say is...wait til it happens to one of them.  They'll change their tune.

Until then just keep working on you two and eventually people will see they were wrong.  Heck with them!   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online shopgirl

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #97 on: October 15, 2018, 12:09:44 PM »
JoJo,

I completely agree with Goner & Thunder-

Good riddance to them.  They sound like immature adults who never grew out of high school.  And I wouldn't doubt there's at least one of them whose spouse has HAD an affair and was never publicized, OR had an affair, and they never got caught. 

If they think they are immune from that sort of thing coming into their marriage- they are sorely mistaken.  As all of us here know.  It can happen to any marriage- period.  We are flawed humans. 

Your husband did something incredibly destructive and hurtful to your marriage and your family, BUT- he is committed to working through it and repairing the marriage and family, and instead of respecting THAT, they of course, as do all shallow, callous individuals, they choose to focus solely on the negative. 

You don't need to associate with those kinds of people.  I think you've had enough drama and negativity to last you a lifetime, you don't need to choose to be around people who spread it like wildfire. 

It's their loss, Jo.  Not yours.  Phooey on them.

Love you, friend.
M: 43
H: 42
Married: 20 yrs
D19 & S18
Discovered ow 19 months ago, had been going on for 8 months prior- at this point, I believe ow is gone.
Was in replay for 32 months (approx)
Lived at home until 11 months ago- now lives in his office and sleeps in a sleeping bag.  Has moved back in & out 3 times, is showing the desire to be with me & the kids as a family, just not strong enough to do it yet.
Depression & Withdrawal are evident and come & go.  When they aren't as heavy, he is in continuous contact with me, when they engulf him, he is a hermit and talks to no-one.  I've seen a pattern on 4 days "on", 4 days "off"... He has been consistent in this for a little over two months.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #98 on: October 15, 2018, 04:52:35 PM »
Maybe this will help you trying to leave the drink behind: https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #99 on: November 27, 2018, 12:52:50 PM »
Agree with all the comments on the snarky neighbors.  I actually know for a fact that one of the husbands did have an affair years ago on the wife and they stayed married.  Honestly I think some of her snubbing is this.....she is reconciled with her husband BUT she still is angry....well now she has someone she can take that anger out on, my H. She can't hold a grudge on her own cheater but she can on mine....and he gets the punishment and banished from things that she can't do to her own husband.  Personally I don't really miss out on their social things, I see it on FB but don't wish I were included.  Those people are a lot of work....they used to have us in his couples' group text and I rarely chimed in on their nonsense and they would call me out on it....wondering if I was even *there* reading their messages....very immature crowd!  I think I just have to be a friendly neighbor who happens to live near them and distance myself from their drama.  Not interested.

Thanksgiving was nice.  H took off Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.  It is so strange now how involved he is with our family.  In the past he never would have taken off extra days.  We cooked together for Thanksgiving, we are even sharing parenting our kids....that has not been something H has done in YEARS.  It was always me and the kids, he would be around for fun times but any of the real work was mine.  It's really awesome but I hesitate to celebrate it.....I guess I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop? 

Sometimes I get mad at myself and think I should be getting over this but.....it hasn't even been 2 years yet since I found out.  It's only been 6 or 7 months since he moved back home permanently.  So I need to cut myself some slack. 

I started allowing myself to drink socially again.  Not like I was drinking before, just a drink or two if we are out to dinner or out with friends.   No longer hiding alone at 4pm to drink a beer in the garage after work!  LOL  Thank God!  I was a hot mess!  I will be sure to not let myself get to that point again.

Work has been super busy.  I was promoted to be a full fledged teacher in the start of September instead of a parapro (teacher's aide) and while my salary doubled, I think my workload has tripled!  But I guess it is good.  Getting a sense of accomplishment.  And more money is always nice!

Well just updating my life....  Heading into the holiday season will no doubt be stressful but I just need to enjoy the new partner I have in this family and marriage!  Not expect anything but don't worry and be a skeptic when he offers help and wants to be involved!


Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Anjae

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #100 on: December 05, 2018, 09:05:19 AM »
Glad to know Thanksgiving went well.

Sometimes I get mad at myself and think I should be getting over this but.....it hasn't even been 2 years yet since I found out.  It's only been 6 or 7 months since he moved back home permanently.  So I need to cut myself some slack. 

Yes, you need to cut yourself some slack. No point getting mad at yourself.

If not all, most of us were a hot mess early on. No longer hiding in the garage alone at 4pm after work and being able to have a social drink is go.

Don't worry, many of us did crazy/not so good things. It comes with the territory. It also goes away when things get better.

Hope things keep improving for you and your husband.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #101 on: December 05, 2018, 12:36:53 PM »
Yes, you need to cut yourself some slack. No point getting mad at yourself.

If not all, most of us were a hot mess early on. No longer hiding in the garage alone at 4pm after work and being able to have a social drink is go.

Don't worry, many of us did crazy/not so good things. It comes with the territory. It also goes away when things get better.

Hope things keep improving for you and your husband.

Thank you for that!  I recently found this quote and shared it with him "No one can go back and make a brand new start, however anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending" 
He texted back AMEN!

So that is where we stand.....just trying to continue moving forward and keep talking and communicating.  Still in therapy, we go about once a month now.  Helps

Interesting thing happened this past weekend.  Book Club neighbor friend had a 40th birthday party that I was invited to.  H said let's go, didn't know if he would be uncomfortable with all the old neighborhood friends who ditched his friendship being there.  He said no, let's go.

One girl from book club got really drunk.  I have always liked her, she is a very matter of fact, say what you mean and mean what you say kind of person.  Adds lots of interesting commentary to book club instead of shying away from how she feels.  I don't really know her on a super personal level bc her children at early elementary school age, mine are 8th grade and up. 
She and I were having a great time dancing to the dj who was playing all fun 90s music from when the birthday girl used to go to the bar scene.  It was getting late and we are getting ready to leave, I tell his book club friend I had so much fun with her....she was a blast, etc....   Just then H walks over and she looks at me and asks "Are you ok Jo?"  "Are you happy?"  I told her that we are really working at our marriage and I do love him and things are getting better.  She turned to H and said "Listen, I don't really know you but I know your wife from book club and she is AWESOME!  I have to be honest when I see you across the room I get pissed, like so pissed that I want to walk across the room and punch you in the d!ck! And I want to tell you that what you did to her was so $h!tety!  And I would never go across the room and punch you in the d!ck because I asked her, she said things are getting better and that she loves you. But please know that what you did was the worst.  At first I couldn't even look in your direction because it made me so mad.  She is awesome!  And I am glad things are working out for you two.   But don't ever do anything to hurt her again.....ok?"  And obviously H said he didn't blame her and yes he does love me and she hugged me and said "sorry I said that, I hope you aren't mad"  And my feelings?  It was so strange.  Do you know NO ONE confronted H.  No one!  No one had every really gotten MAD at him to his face and told him what he did was $h!tety.....well except me.  I said it.  But I felt very defended (if that is a feeling) and I felt good that there was someone who stood up for me!  I am sure this will come up in therapy on Sunday, we go this weekend. 

Anyway that is all I have today.....
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #102 on: December 05, 2018, 01:11:17 PM »
Jo

Glad you felt defended! That’s fab. Sounds like you were right to always have liked her, I think a few of us could do with her!

Good on your H for taking it.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Anjae

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #103 on: December 05, 2018, 01:18:23 PM »
You're welcome.

It is ok to take things slowly. Nothing in MLC can be rushed. Not even when the crazy is gone. Continue to keep moving forward, talking and communicating is very good. One day at a time, remember? It is still valid.

Also don't recall anyone confronting Mr J other than myself. A couple of people told him what he done was wrong, but that was it. And that was way before he got worst and worst. Aside from being physically violent. The few people who knew didn't like it, but also didn't seem to mind much.

However, even if I am straighfoward, I don't tell a thing to my friends that are having a MLC. It is useless. They don't listen and just cut you off. To the ones who are not having a MLC and have affairs, usually there is no need to say anything. They know they are in the wrong. One or two of the non-MLCers were lucky and their marriages survived. The real life MLCers I know weren't so lucky.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #104 on: December 06, 2018, 06:36:39 AM »
Two-handed 2x4 wielding going on right there.....

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #105 on: December 06, 2018, 07:13:04 AM »
It sounds as if a bit of in vino veritas 2X4 can work as JoJo shared if they are 'out of the tunnel'. Or at least they can cope with it even if it doesn't make much difference to what they are already thinking perhaps?
I like the sound of your book club chum too  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #106 on: January 01, 2019, 04:02:56 PM »
Checking in again.  The holidays are over and it was tough.  Year two of holidays since all the crap has been revealed.  February 2nd will be 2 years since the truth came out!  I have so many self esteem issues.  The way H treated me while in the middle of his MLC really messed with my head. I need to get past it all.  It’s just so hard.  Today H took me by the chin and said he was so sorry for all he did to me and that he loved me and is going to continue to work on building me up.  I just have such a hard time accepting his love. 
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline megogirl

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #107 on: January 01, 2019, 05:54:02 PM »
Today H took me by the chin and said he was so sorry for all he did to me and that he loved me and is going to continue to work on building me up.  I just have such a hard time accepting his love.

Well.....hello, Prisoner!

Prisoner is the BEST.  Because for one brief, shining moment, you are talking to the H you always knew and loved....and who loved you back.

I will never forget my brief encounters with the Prisoner.  They are what keeps me going in my Stand.

Online Evermore

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #108 on: January 01, 2019, 06:39:10 PM »
Hi JoJoJo

I just went back through and read your story from the start. I feel like my marriage/R was very very similar to yours pre-BD and it was enlightening to read your story. I am in the very early stages post-BD though and my H left for the OW as soon as he met her. I feel like he was driving along the freeway of his boring/troubled/disconnected life (basically the same way you described your husband as feeling) and he saw this woman on the side of the road... and he took that freeway exit and LEPT feet first into a new life to run completely from the old one. I'm really struggling to come to terms with it all right now but your story gives me a tiny bit of hope that maybe if he 'gets through' rebuilding might be able to happen one day (it makes it seem less impossible than it does now). Having said that I can see that you're still struggling with fallout issues from all this and it gives me a glimpse of what the future could possibly look like. It's a scary thought and I'm so sorry to hear how bloody persistent all these problems are for YEARS afterwards. Thanks for sharing how you're going and I hope it gets easier as you keep working on it.
M: 48
H: 51
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.
Moved in with OW 'by stealth' Dec18-Jan19? (just started staying over and not staying at 'home' anymore (caravan at his brothers))

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #109 on: January 02, 2019, 08:14:54 AM »
Today H took me by the chin and said he was so sorry for all he did to me and that he loved me and is going to continue to work on building me up.  I just have such a hard time accepting his love.

Well.....hello, Prisoner!

Prisoner is the BEST.  Because for one brief, shining moment, you are talking to the H you always knew and loved....and who loved you back.

I will never forget my brief encounters with the Prisoner.  They are what keeps me going in my Stand.


Not sure what you mean by Prisoner.  I think in my case this is an encounter with my actual husband and the Prisoner was actually him during his MLC while he was self destructive and punishing himself and me acting completely out of character.  The man who held my chin in his hand and expressed sorrow for his past is the sweet little boy I sat with in 11th grade study hall 33 years ago!  So glad to have him back.  That angry confused man who didn’t know what to do or say was actually the Prisoner....trapped in this horrible situation that he couldn’t get out of.  His description has often been that he was “stuck” with the OW.  She worked for him and he didn’t see any way out.  It is just difficult for me to believe that I can have that love again from H. Hard to trust that he can give it and hard to think it’s really back.  Hard to allow myself to be vulnerable and believe this is real.  But honestly I had his true love for longer than I didn’t.  So in time I am hopeful I can accept and embrace the connection we have!





Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #110 on: January 02, 2019, 09:16:38 AM »
Hi JoJoJo

I just went back through and read your story from the start. I feel like my marriage/R was very very similar to yours pre-BD and it was enlightening to read your story. I am in the very early stages post-BD though and my H left for the OW as soon as he met her. I feel like he was driving along the freeway of his boring/troubled/disconnected life (basically the same way you described your husband as feeling) and he saw this woman on the side of the road... and he took that freeway exit and LEPT feet first into a new life to run completely from the old one. I'm really struggling to come to terms with it all right now but your story gives me a tiny bit of hope that maybe if he 'gets through' rebuilding might be able to happen one day (it makes it seem less impossible than it does now). Having said that I can see that you're still struggling with fallout issues from all this and it gives me a glimpse of what the future could possibly look like. It's a scary thought and I'm so sorry to hear how bloody persistent all these problems are for YEARS afterwards. Thanks for sharing how you're going and I hope it gets easier as you keep working on it.
You prompted me to go reread my story.  Wow it’s just crazy to think this has been my life.  It doesn’t seem real but it sure is.  I am so happy all the uncertainty and the lies are gone.  Things are so out in the open. H has described his actions during that time as selfish and angry.  He found someone who fed and encouraged that ugly angry part of himself.  This Native American story describes it well.

“One evening, an elderly Cherokee brave told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other wolf is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked, ‘Grandpa, which wolf wins?’

The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one that you feed.’”

« Last Edit: February 07, 2019, 10:18:34 AM by OldPilot »
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #111 on: February 01, 2019, 12:25:31 PM »
Tomorrow is February 2nd and that is the 2 year anniversary of when my life changed forever.  I found out that yes, 100% yes my husband was a cheater!  I was shocked!  I thought I knew this man's character inside and out.   

We are doing well reconciling.  I have moments that there are triggers or moments where I break down but they are getting less and less.  Someone once described the waves of anger or waves of emotions you have like the ocean.  You know how when things are rough the waves crash against you one after another after another, you barely catch a breath and the next one hits you.....well as time goes on the waves still come but the ocean is calmer, maybe there is more time in between the waves, and the waves might come in more gentler as time goes on.  I feel like that is right for me.  I still have the waves that come in......but they are definitely spaced farther apart and they don't knock me down anymore.  I am probably more prepared for them and the shock of being hit with a wave is over.  It's like I know how to brace myself when something comes my way.

One thing that lately comes into my mind is will I or he or we run into OW.  It hasn't happened yet but I wouldn't be shocked if one day it did.  I was reading about a situation online and how the couple was glad they had discussed how to handle it if it did happen.....because it made it easy to deal with when it actually happened.  I think I would just ignore her, act as if I didn't even see her.  I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction of any reaction. 

Anyway that is what is on my mind lately. 

2 years since discovering the affair and well into reconciliation.....he moved back home 100% and gave up the apartment 9 months ago.  We are still in therapy.  We go once a month. 

Just wanted to journal my thoughts....I come back here and read my own life story every once in awhile.  Helps me stay focused on where I am going if I can look back at where I have been.
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #112 on: February 01, 2019, 01:15:20 PM »
I've never been where you are now. I did read one situation where the man felt he had to acknowledge the OW in public. Their therapist had him hold his W's hand and the W would acknowledge OW. That way the control was all in the W's hands. However that situation was for when the man felt OW needed to be acknowledged. I found it interesting.

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #113 on: February 02, 2019, 05:56:54 AM »
You should ask a moderator to turn your thread purple if you reconciling.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #114 on: February 02, 2019, 06:47:12 AM »
Workin' on it, Goner.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #115 on: February 02, 2019, 07:28:56 PM »
Hi Jo. I have read your thread from the start and I just want to say ..that I am sorry that any of this happens in the world ,And that it happened to you and to me. Many parts of your story was as if I was reading my own and I understand every single word that you wrote. It is painful to read because the emotions you express , I can actually FEEL them and I just know that unless you have experienced this 1st hand , you simply cannot comprehend how difficult it truly is. It is life altering for every person that is even in the peripheral circle ...even my neighbours were changed ( as were yours).

You are at this "healing" for 2 years ... I am just entering my 5th year of licking deep wounds and trying to gather up all the pieces of such a shattering. I rarely cry anymore , rarely "rage out"   ( but still can if I am really triggered), I rarely "bring it up " and I do TRY to practice a compassionate attitude and acceptance that we all are flawed and able to make horrific mistakes ...I try.

It still hurts in the deepest part of who I am and who I was and there are days that the sadness and loss is so deeply felt... I go off alone and try to recover. I can still "feel the shock" and I do know that ( for me ) , I will never recover 100% . I am aware of that . I can see my girls are "changed " as well and I regret that this ever touched their lives and their daddy fell far from the pedestal they had him on. I couldn't control it...or I would have if it meant setting myself on fire.

You are struggling with a massive blow to your sense of self and self esteem . Oh.. me too. My self esteem bottomed out and just stripped me to ugly and empty . Slowly I am crawling out of that hole of hell. You knew the OW? Yes, so did I and that is a double betrayal . Endlessly you still seek the answer as to "why?". Yes. It took almost 4 years for me to stop and realize that there will never be a "good enough " answer . Ever. You sound "normal" in every way for someone recovering from a deep betrayal. There is nothing wrong with you at all . Nothing . Likely you have some degree of PTSD from betrayal as I do.

Your husband sounds determined and he has some "stick to it-ness" because it is also a special hell for these men that have so much catastrophic injuries and mess to clean up. Would we ever want to be them? I think not . So some credit is due ... if that can be choked out. lol.

I am glad you are posting and I will follow along clapping your strength and recovery all the way !
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #116 on: February 05, 2019, 01:27:15 PM »
Barbie you reaching out and understanding what I have written was so refreshing. I am sorry for the pain you have been through but I went back reading your posts, I skimmed through the beginning when you like I were so sure that he was NOT cheating.  I read about when you found out.  The deep deep pain you felt.  I related 100%.  I need to continue to read and see how you navigated day to day through the reconciliation.  I am proud at how we are doing so far but this is still so new.  Only 2 years in.  What a mess!  I hate that I am forever changed by something I DIDN'T DO!  I had no say!  And it isn't like there was an accident, this was HIS CHOICE!  And I struggle because I know he feels so badly.  He is ashamed at the person he was and I want him to feel better about himself and see the progress he is making but I also don't want to spare him the pain he feels.  It is so minuscule to the pain he has caused me, and our children....oh I hate that our children have a cheater for a dad.  Can't change that.....ever!  We have three boys, and their dad is the BAD EXAMPLE....what NOT to do!  Sucks!  And my daughter....for her she adores her dad, it has just shown her that even a great guy, can't be trusted!  I hate every single moment of this! 

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #117 on: February 06, 2019, 08:42:16 AM »
oh I hate that our children have a cheater for a dad.  Can't change that.....ever!  We have three boys, and their dad is the BAD EXAMPLE....what NOT to do!  Sucks!  And my daughter....for her she adores her dad, it has just shown her that even a great guy, can't be trusted!  I hate every single moment of this!

I know, I hate this part of MLC too. It’s permanent, can’t be undone and forever part of who they are now.  Our precious children that we would do anything for and we couldn’t protect them from this, although we did nothing wrong we relied on the other parent to do the same but that is out of our control. Thinking of MLC as an illness helps. With a sane mind your H can see this is something he is ashamed of and hopefully he can use his feelings of his experience in the future.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #118 on: February 06, 2019, 09:31:01 AM »
My darling middle daughter is from my husbands 1st marriage. He was married for less than 4 yrs when SHE cheated . Yes, his 1st wife had an affair ( while on a vacation ???)  and got pregnant . WHO does that ...well, she did. I have had this young girl since she was two years old and she is my skin, my heart and everything about her is loveable and kind. She loved her dad to the moon and back and she was sure that he made to sun rise everyday. She has indeed struggled the most , sought out counselling , felt afraid in her own marriage ( if dad can do that ... anybody on this planet can do the same ) . She has cried ..trust me . One of the things I remember her saying to me in times of trying to recover is ..." I have 2 parents that are cheaters ". What does that mean about me ?  Well, darling...it means nothing about YOU , except lessons about what you do not want in your life . And I hope I am teaching you courage , strength, commitment and forgiveness some day . That it is NOT about being a "doormat" in a broken marriage ...it is about decisions, forethought and choices of incredibly strong women . And daughters that need to understand the reasons I am still with their father.... My daughters and I have bonded in ways that would not have happened otherwise...I believe that. We have deep connections , shared some nasty hurts and nasty words in reaction to their life changing by the "perfect" daddy. Its been a very very hard road dealing with who I am as a mother ... but we have made it this far .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #119 on: February 07, 2019, 07:01:19 AM »
Ok so my husband is super involved parenting now.  He really is awesome because he was so hands off and distant for years.  I need to appreciate this and we need to be a team in regards to the kids but I find myself feeling irritated with him.  His ideas are amazing, he is really stepping up and backing me up with getting the kids to do their chores around the house but I still feel ugly inside.  I did this ALONE for years, he was my 5th child, I had to try to swim against the stream and be the one and only authority in the household.  I shouldn't feel mad, I should be right there next to him and cheer on his ideas and attempts to get the kids to be responsible but I find myself sitting back as he conducts our family meeting!  I am the one who YEARS ago tried to have family meetings only to have him disrupt or take us off track....I tried to get him to plan a meeting, he never did.  Our family meetings when I tried to implement them fizzled out....but here I am now supporting him and his family meeting ideas.  Helping him.  He never helped me.  Sometimes I feel like not just with him, but in life in general, I am always called on to "be the better person".  Why bc that is who I am, I am always the good one, I am always helpful, nice, kind etc....  And what has that gotten me????  But yet here I am....being the better person!
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Online Treasur

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #120 on: February 07, 2019, 08:47:58 AM »
So many of us have treated our spouses with way more respect and grace than their behaviour deserves, that's true.
I think the key is about why.
If we feel resentment it is usually a sign that either we are doing it to influence their behaviour in some way or to project an image to others or as a kind of unspoken contract of I'll do x so you will feel y. And the resentment might be a sign that it is time to do something different.

When it sits more comfortably, it is usually bc it is who we are regardless, who we are when no one is watching, who we are that we like when we look in the mirror. If I had allowed myself to be spiteful or vindictive to either xh or ow - and I was sorely tempted at times and it would have been easy - I wouldn't have felt good for more than a few minutes. My being decent or exercising self-control made no difference from what I could see to what they thought or did, but it mattered to me.

So if the family meeting is a good thing and what you always wanted his involvement in, what can you do differently to take the resentment away? Are there places in which you need to stop being so 'good' or help less or support in a different way?
« Last Edit: February 07, 2019, 10:19:51 AM by OldPilot »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #121 on: February 07, 2019, 09:10:38 AM »
Imo, the feelings you have are perfectly normal. It's like he is taking your ideas and getting the credit because YOU do not disrupt HIS family meetings like he did yours so now it works like it always should have.  If that resonates with you, you might have a chat with him explaining you applaud everything he is doing and would like to feel like you are a team and you are part of the process, not like a bystander if that is how you feel. Maybe you'd like some acknowledgment for all the parenting you have done on your own?  It's hard going from being the only parent to being a parent who just goes along with the new parent if the dynamic has ended up there.

Do you want to help conduct? Are you ok with him doing it all ? Do you feel included, not as the receiver of his largesse, but as a partner?
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #122 on: February 07, 2019, 03:32:53 PM »
Hi Jojo...I am going to respond as I have experienced very similar feelings . We will al have different perspectives and these are only mine .

Quote
I need to appreciate this and we need to be a team in regards to the kids but I find myself feeling irritated with him.
.

I too was VERY irritated by him suddenly pulling his weight around the house , kids etc. It made me realize that in fact he COULD do it, he just CHOSE not to for years. So, where were you when I was doing it all alone and dying from exhaustion, overwork , too many kids etc . NOW you want to help?? HMMMM? I needed his help FAR more when my kids were small or even in their teens.  So H , if it is YOUR idea and YOUR choice than you "save the day and step up ". When I asked YOU to...you did not. That's ^%$#$! and I had a lot of resentment about his "absent parent " , absent house-work, bill paying, laundry etc etc ..

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had to try to swim against the stream and be the one and only authority in the household

Me too. 100%.

Quote
responsible but I find myself sitting back as he conducts our family meeting!  I am the one who YEARS ago tried to have family meetings only to have him disrupt or take us off track....I tried to get him to plan a meeting, he never did
.

Resentment. Sitting in there about the injustice or unfairness of years gone by. When these men were child # 5 ( or 6) . Always in the passenger seat letting others do all the work. He never carried his share I tried to get him to plan a meeting, he never did.  So why now ? Is he trying to "win you back, be the "hero", get in control of some part of his life ?'... or is he this "new mature father and husband " we had been waiting for?  Will it even last ?  Those are all the feelings I had at that time. Does he know how you feel about all this ? .

Quote
.Helping him.  He never helped me.
.

Boy, do I understand this sista! Resentment and really for me it was such injustice. He had a "free" life , travelled the world, worked for himself ....I was doing ALL the hard stuff . And then , to top it all off ...HE WAS NOT HAPPY???  HUH? REALLY? . I remember that reaction with such extreme anger , I cannot begin to explain. HE was not HAPPY????.

Quote
I am always called on to "be the better person".  Why bc that is who I am, I am always the good one, I am always helpful, nice, kind etc....  And what has that gotten me????  But yet here I am....being the better person!
.

Remember.. his MLC has NOTHING to do with YOU. Whether you were the" bigger person " or some alcoholic cow laying on the kitchen floor. It had nothing whatsoever to do with you . So, And what has that gotten me????  .  You know inside of yourself the satisfaction of always "being there " for your kids, keeping a home for them, setting the rules and being an "on your feet parent". Imagine what would have happened if you were not?. Satisfaction in having done the "right things" ...no matter what. Your kids will remember . Mine do. And that feels satisfying and good. I was the bigger person, I have a huge sense of responsibility as a wife and mother ...I like that about ME. My husband will have regret , guilt and remorse when he "looks back". That's what it got you.

Quote
But yet here I am....being the better person!
.

After a traumatic betrayal ...you are shattered in ways no one else can understand . The old you is gone. As you move forward and recover you get to pick . who do I want to be now ?.  Maybe you no longer need to be the "bigger person?".  Who do you want to be now ? You get to design the new you .

Quote
Maybe you'd like some acknowledgment for all the parenting you have done on your own? .
.

Yes. This is exactly what I needed ..in a very big way . The resentment slowly lost its grip when I had opportunity to vent this out, be heard, be validated and apologized in a heartfelt sincere way. And that was not easy to get . But it was the only way for me to start to heal . The new me ( that I am designing) does not want to hold resentments that are huge and ugly.












Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Milly

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #123 on: February 09, 2019, 01:49:31 PM »
Jo, I've been following your story, not posting as I'm not in your position therefore don't feel that I can give any advice, but nonetheless, I can feel what you're feeling. Of course, the infidelity is going to come out and challenge you still, of course you'll be resentful that your H is now wonder dad but when he left you to do all the hard work, you weren't wonder mum. Even though I'm not reconciled, and most likely never will be, I do question myself about his stuff all the time. Will I be able to let go of the affair? Will I be able to truly forgive him so that on a weak day, I wouldn't use it against him. Will I be able to forgive how he was before BD, the extra kid, only to be told there was something wrong with my personality and therefore he had to do what he did. Your H has now apologized, shown how he feels with actions and this is truly huge. Your feelings at times are your feelings. They exists and are a consequence of what he did to you. It's so sad that you have to live with your feelings and question them. I hope that with time they will just fade.

Barbie, I have really appreciated hearing your views and your feelings, too. The way you speak about your middle daughter is so loving, so beautiful. She's a lucky girl to have had you as the mother she will compare herself to. They say that as children we look at an adult in our close circle as the one we learn to be a mother from, and one we learn to be a woman from. Yes, her 2 birth parents cheated, but then you came into her life and showed her another version.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #124 on: February 17, 2019, 12:42:12 PM »
Thank you for all the feedback!  I read and digest it all and appreciate having people who get it giving me advice and thoughts. 

So I think I am trusting to lean on my husband again for all the support that has been missing for years.  Valentine’s Day I got sick as in vomiting non stop stomach flu all day..,no joke.  Horrible!  Usually I would have instinctively called my mom to help....or a girl friend.  But I called H...he arrived at Ugent Care to meet me.  I fell asleep getting IV fluids and woke to him petting my hair out of my face and holding my hand.  He was so loving.  He really cared about me and I didn’t feel like I was putting him out.  No complaints that he came right from seeing patients in his scrubs, not going home to change first!  He was the man I married.  Saturday (last night) he took me to dinner and I complimented him and thanked him.  He seemed proud and said he likes that I called for him and he said it’s nice that the kids text him for rides or advice, things they need, etc...  not going to me first. 
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #125 on: February 17, 2019, 01:31:37 PM »
Sorry you were unwell, but I’m glad H was there for you and supportive. Him feeling valued by the whole family is an important key here too I think, have read how midlife men can feel unappreciated and like a paycheque sometimes...not saying that’s how your H was treated, but it can be how they feel. Keep on enjoying the good times J 😊
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #126 on: February 19, 2019, 12:21:06 PM »
Him feeling valued by the whole family is an important key here too I think, have read how midlife men can feel unappreciated and like a paycheque sometimes...not saying that’s how your H was treated, but it can be how they feel.

Yes our disconnect began when he felt unappreciated and felt taken for granted.  Funny part is that as he was feeling this way....so was I!  I just didn’t turn to someone of the opposite sex, I turned to my friends for that validation and appreciation.  We totally weren’t working together as a married couple should.  We led separate lives.  So sad about those wasted years but happy we have recognized this and we are making an effort to put our relationship first.  After our date Saturday he mentioned to me a few times how happy he has been spending time with me.  We do really like eachother...22 yrs married, 4 kids, and almost losing it all to divorce has put so much in perspective.  It also helps that the OW showed what a complete piece of garbage she was at the end...as soon as the credit card was taken she was gone...no trying to work it out and stay together.  She didn’t love him and by me remaining me...just being exactly who I am...really opened his eyes!  I just need to work on my own self esteem.  Feel good about me!  Every day I think it gets a little better...baby steps.
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #127 on: February 19, 2019, 01:42:31 PM »
Quote
have read how midlife men can feel unappreciated and like a paycheque sometimes...not saying that’s how your H was treated, but it can be how they feel.
.

My husband said this exact statement during "monster" days . He was only a pay cheque. It was pure projection , I came to understand in therapy. My husband has been all about money , more specifically his "earning power". Me? Not so much. But, it is how he felt at the time regardless.

I have come to understand ( after 5 years of reading ) that feeling appreciated is a very high need of men. It is my husbands primary Love Language. Part of the attraction ( I guess we can call it ) is she made him feel "appreciated ". Having said that , he cannot give 1 example of what he did for her that she "appreciated" so much. He did nothing he states , in hindsight . It is the way these men seem to feel about "themselves " when they are with these OW's , NOT how they necessarily feel about them .

I am so pleased JoJo , that things are improving for you !
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Bewildered survivor

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #128 on: February 19, 2019, 02:24:10 PM »
Quote
have read how midlife men can feel unappreciated and like a paycheque sometimes...not saying that’s how your H was treated, but it can be how they feel.
.

My husband said this exact statement during "monster" days . He was only a pay cheque. It was pure projection , I came to understand in therapy. My husband has been all about money , more specifically his "earning power". Me? Not so much. But, it is how he felt at the time regardless.


I believe this was the same with my H to. At BD he said I didn’t appreciate or cherish him & that OW gave him attention & love I didn’t give him. I of course disagree as unlike OW I didn’t appreciate him with superficial words. Just through my actions of being loyal, honest & faithful and doing things for the betterment of our family. I was too busy working, studying, looking after our home & bringing up our young children to give him the attention and WORDS of appreciation that OW gave. If he ever wakes up he won’t be able to deny this fact.

Quote from: barbiedoll link=topic=8589.msg711139#msg711139

 It is the way these men seem to feel about "themselves " when they are with these OW's , NOT how they necessarily feel about them .

Although I have no direct evidence of this in my H’s case in my heart I know this is absolutely true. Their relationship is built on neediness not romance & true love. However neediness can keep it going (as well as MLC fog) for a very long time.

Jojo it’s great that the OW in your case showed her true colours and he was able to see her for what she is. How long did this take? I can only have hope (no expectation) that this happens in my case at some point.

I wish you all the best xx
« Last Edit: February 20, 2019, 02:21:49 AM by UrsaMajor »

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #129 on: February 26, 2019, 08:43:13 AM »


Jojo it’s great that the OW in your case showed her true colours and he was able to see her for what she is. How long did this take? I can only have hope (no expectation) that this happens in my case at some point.

I wish you all the best xx

Hmmm how long did it take for him to see her for what she is....well it didn't take long for her to just be herself and BOOM reality set in.  Once he took her company credit card away (about a2 months after I found out about the affair) and then he fired her as his office manager (a month after we decided we were going to reconcile)....she was OUTTA THERE!  She had no interest in their relationship once the money dried up even though he was her "soulmate"....that was a clear sign she didn't love HIM, she loved all the financial perks!  When he had her sign a severance agreement and offered her 12 weeks pay PLUS paid her for her 4 weeks of vacation she was supposedly owed (this was his lawyer's recommendation, to get her to leave quietly), she came back and wanted 6 months of pay....and when DH refused she left the office and on the way out told the girls who still worked there that the office would "never make it without me".  She did sign the original agreement and took her 3 months of pay but has yet to contact him or apparently anyone else who is still at his office.  Recently his office has been doing incredibly well WITHOUT HER....imagine that?  In October DH commented to me that in his first full year without her in his office, they had record breaking production numbers.....and he said he wonders how much sooner he could have been achieving those numbers and maybe she was the one holding them back!   She was such a toxic person.  Just the way she spoke and her overall attitude and vibe.  That difference in the environment at work was obvious pretty quickly. 
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #130 on: February 26, 2019, 11:37:45 AM »
We just went to a wedding this weekend about 5 hours from home.  Had a nice time, beach community and we were able to ride bikes that they had at the resort we stayed at to the beach.
Just a relaxing weekend.  Lots of fun.  It was good to get away from home and all the responsibilities. 

With that being said I have discovered I have major wedding anxiety.....we went to a wedding in December and then now this one in February.  I find myself nervous and I am clenching my teeth.  I just hear that part about "forsaking all others" and it makes me angry and I get this nervous tic and my foot shakes.  I am sitting there mad, thinking how my husband who is there with me, smiling and everyone is thinking we are happy, couldn't keep true to his vows.  He decided to go outside our marriage.  I am glad I could sense that this wasn't sitting right with me, I chose to NOT drink that night at the big party.  I knew if I drank I would be a mess.  But it is something I need to talk about at therapy next time.  I have no idea how all this has him feeling, if he even notices or feels anything during the wedding ceremony.  It just sucks because our wedding was amazing....he was so super sweet and loving at that time....hate that those memories are ruined. 

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #131 on: March 05, 2019, 12:08:20 PM »
Had a major trigger recently.  H's new office manager reminds me of the OW.  Not overtly but there are similarities in their personalities.  I had a few moments when I was at his office last week that just reminded me of OW and I expressed my concerns to H.  I just reminded him to not be so "familiar" with his staff.  So he needed a ride to pick up his car from the shop, I said call uber.  He doesn't need to be so chummy with the girls who work for him and I wasn't comfortable with them giving him a ride, even if it was just a mile up the road.

He was fine with my concerns and said he understood but then he started in on telling me that NOTHING would ever happen with the girls in his office, he has learned from the pain he went through and all the horrible pain he caused others, he is smarter than he was then, and that OW was a sociopath who he believes planned the whole affair and purposely laid the ground work years in advance.  Now I don't doubt that all that is true BUT....why must he always explain away my concerns.  I know he isn't trying to gaslight me like he did for years and years while this nasty affair went on....we are in a different place....BUT it still makes me crazy.  I hate it!

Well then even after I had that talk about not being so familiar....he got a ride from the office manager and NOT uber....seriously????  WTF? 

He says it was circumstantial.  He was calling for an uber and she was leaving at the same time and was going to be driving past where his car was. 

Now I do not think this 20 something girl wants my husband. She is a really nice girl and she has a serious boyfriend who is her age.  I also know that she is fully aware of what happened with H and the OW, she took OW's job and actually worked with OW a few years ago while the affair was going on and was pretty skeeved out by the whole situation. This current office manager actually left when she worked at the office for awhile bc she didn't like OW and thought she was a horrible human being.  So no, I don't think she is interested in getting with H, and I don't think H is interested in yet another hot mess almost losing his entire family....but....why????  Why do I have to ask for these boundaries? 

We discussed this all in therapy on Sunday.  He apologized.  Our therapist spoke to him about boundaries and that they aren't unreasonable.  H agreed.  But this is all so exhausting!  I can't believe that at almost 50 years old I have to deal with this.  I have not ever had a jealous bone in my body.....I am just trusting by nature.....of course look where that got me! 

Anyway I know we are on the mend, I appreciate that things are better, we are healthier......but then situations like these come up and irritate my old wounds!  Hate it!


Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #132 on: March 05, 2019, 12:56:54 PM »
You made a very reasonable request and he should have respected that request.

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #133 on: March 05, 2019, 03:45:53 PM »
Jo... I am really very impressed with YOU. Honestly , I just am. I really like how you "look ahead" and clearly communicate your concerns . Advising him " not to be too familiar with his staff" is voicing your concerns, protecting YOUR recovery, trying to create mutual boundaries and understandings. It is a way to protect your marriage from this ever happening again ( as best you can... as we know we cannot control another person). I think you are very wise to have this forethought.

I am also impressed that you seem able to quickly identify your triggers and what has caused it. I have not always been able to do that . I have experienced a "physical " reaction / trigger and at times NOT known what caused it or what is happening . I eventually figure it out ...but you seem to match the cause and effect brilliantly .

And thirdly , you back it all up by discussing it at length with your therapist . All very good strategies to be "heard " loud and clear about your expectations. Sounds like your therapist is on the ball !

Now ...
Quote
he got a ride from the office manager and NOT uber....seriously????  WTF? 
.

..indeed . A HUGE WTF. ESPECIALLY , when he totally agreed, understood and promised to do this . It creates an extreme pause/caution in the trust and faith we are trying to rebuild. Unacceptable , as you well know. I have told my husband in moments of deep emotions..." it is a gift and an utter priviledge that I am taking another chance  on you ... I can change my mind and leave this situation if I feel threatened or unsafe IN ANY WAY". And we can .

So, moving forward , there is NO way he does not clearly understand this expectation. Should he choose to disrespect this ...an entirely different conversation may be coming his way.   I think you are being MORE than wise and reasonable .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #134 on: March 07, 2019, 03:45:52 AM »
Yes, a huge WTF moment...

Kind of reminds me of this guy....



Just waiting for an accident to happen....

But you were able to speak YOUR truth so that is good!
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #135 on: March 10, 2019, 08:38:07 AM »
Thank you for the encouragement! 
I really appreciate input from people who understand my feelings!  No one I know IRL gets it.  Actually all those people that were my friends are not really my friends anymore. Sure they invite me to go out to dinner or lunch two or three times a year but these women used to be the type of friends who would want to really talk about and share our lives.  They were more than happy to discuss my divorce but once I took him back....they don’t want to hear about what is going on in my life.  Now it’s a very guarded and surface level friendship if we go out.  Often I feel so alone...and I appreciate the feedback and comments and support from you all!

So lately it seems like it is the time of marriage among people I have known that they are announcing their decision to divorce.  Literally in the past two months 3 couples from my past have announced divorce.  I have spoken to two of my “friends” about these divorces.  These are the people I used to feel comfortable speaking my mind with.  In the past we didn’t always agree but I think we could have had a conversation without the “judgement”.  Now I am feeling that I am being “talked down to”.  These “friends” are getting their chance to get across their feelings without saying anything to me directly.  They buy into this “happiness in life” argument.  Kids will be happy with parents who are happy apart.  Now I know I am not the picture of happy right now.  But we will get there.  I know this is their chance to speak their mind about what they think I should have done without actually confronting me.  I know their apprehension is with ME in mind.  I know it’s fueled by their love of me, they don’t trust my H.  They don’t respect his promises and are concerned that they will have to watch me suffer again.  But it frustrates me anyway and I feel more alone than ever when these conversations come up. 
Anyway thank you if you read this far and I know I’m all over the place with my thoughts.  Who knew life could be such a rollercoaster?  Ugh!  My brain hurts even attempting to share my thoughts!
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #136 on: March 10, 2019, 01:51:39 PM »
Quote
Now it’s a very guarded and surface level friendship if we go out.  Often I feel so alone...and I appreciate the feedback and comments and support from you all!
.

I lost 2 significant friendships and it hurt a lot. And I mean ALOT. It felt like another betrayal , that again I meant nothing to these people and there is no loyality in the world. It was very damaging to me. I think to this day , I would not re-establish these friendships if I had the opportunity. For me , I recognize it was an abandonment and that just feels unforgivable. So, I do have surface and superficial conversations with others but I tire of that extremely easily . That has led to turning down invites, feeling very lonely and at times desperate to connect with ANYONE that might validate and HEAR me. Sad. And ( to kind of change the subject) it is the risk we take on HS. Some of us are posting in times of desperation, deep pain and need. It is true, isn't it. I have WAITED for responses and whispered to God..."please, send someone to me that has just the right magical words , approach and acceptance that I need..right now ". This place is far more important than we realize. We need to be reminded of that .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #137 on: March 10, 2019, 05:23:32 PM »
JoJo

Thanks for posting. As Barbie says this place is so important.

I wish there was more understanding of MLC in RL and then our friends may understand or not think so badly of us. I liken it to postpartum depression. When having a baby we all know we ‘might’ feel like that and what the symptoms are, for both men and women. If it happens, as far as I know, the person recovers from it, they don’t stay like that forever and if you and your spouse have difficulties as your actions were unkind or unsuitable with a new baby, hopefully friends would be supportive of the situation.

If we all thought this MLC could happen around middle age a general understanding would be of tremendous support to the LBS.

Sending love
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #138 on: March 11, 2019, 05:30:21 AM »
Jo I am not sure how much this helps...

But after a breakup everyone touts how well they are doing in front of others, particularly superficial level friends. They are strong, full of good advice, got it all going, can't wait to date.. insert other stereotypical BS you want.

The reality is they are drowning their sorrows in a bottle of wine, watching Bridget Jones and wondering what the hell happened just like you did.

Now they are in exactly the position you were, yet you are back and working on things. So there is also going to be an element of jealousy there, or an ''am I going to be as weak as her to take back my ex after all my declarations'' type mentality.

It isn't until you travel this path that you realise how much STRENGTH it takes to forgive and love anyway.

I would avoid them, let them spew...just know it isn't about you. It is them trying to convince themselves.
« Last Edit: March 11, 2019, 05:31:47 AM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online shopgirl

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #139 on: March 11, 2019, 06:12:44 AM »
Jo I am not sure how much this helps...

But after a breakup everyone touts how well they are doing in front of others, particularly superficial level friends. They are strong, full of good advice, got it all going, can't wait to date.. insert other stereotypical BS you want.

The reality is they are drowning their sorrows in a bottle of wine, watching Bridget Jones and wondering what the hell happened just like you did.

Now they are in exactly the position you were, yet you are back and working on things. So there is also going to be an element of jealousy there, or an ''am I going to be as weak as her to take back my ex after all my declarations'' type mentality.

It isn't until you travel this path that you realise how much STRENGTH it takes to forgive and love anyway.

I would avoid them, let them spew...just know it isn't about you. It is them trying to convince themselves.

^^^^THIS!!!!! YES.

Jo,

You are such a blessing to me- and sharing your story on your thread is such a huge help to so many. We’ve talked about these friends of yours before- you are better off without them. Trust me- at some point, one or more will come to you broken and in need of wisdom they know you possess.

M: 43
H: 42
Married: 20 yrs
D19 & S18
Discovered ow 19 months ago, had been going on for 8 months prior- at this point, I believe ow is gone.
Was in replay for 32 months (approx)
Lived at home until 11 months ago- now lives in his office and sleeps in a sleeping bag.  Has moved back in & out 3 times, is showing the desire to be with me & the kids as a family, just not strong enough to do it yet.
Depression & Withdrawal are evident and come & go.  When they aren't as heavy, he is in continuous contact with me, when they engulf him, he is a hermit and talks to no-one.  I've seen a pattern on 4 days "on", 4 days "off"... He has been consistent in this for a little over two months.

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #140 on: March 11, 2019, 06:25:46 AM »
Jo,

I wanted to stop in here and tell you just how much your story reminds me of mine.  My H also had an affair with an employee of ours and she really tried to take him over.  She's still an employee so I get the added benefit of dealing with her every once in awhile. 

The story about your friends judging you for your choices hit home to me.  When this all started my best friend was my confidant.  I had no idea what was happening to my H and she watched the show with me as his replay hit high mode.  At the time, she started to go through her own divorce.  She had been married 20 years and I don't honestly think she ever loved her H.  We commiserated as we both were going through hell.  When I found out about MLC and realized this matched my H exactly I started to change.  I shared what I had found and told her I was taking a different path and not leaving him as I thought he would come back.  She was very upset with me.  She saw all the pain he was causing and would just shake her head.  I had to stop talking to her completely.  I now see that misery loves company.  She is divorced and very lonely and my H and I are on the path to reconnecting.  She is still very upset with me for standing and I'm sure she believes that I am totally crazy.  I had to let her go as a confidant but I still have her as a distant friend. 

It has been very hard to feel like I have been judged by so many.  Our entire company knows the whole situation and I'm sure we are the topic of MANY conversations.  I've had to detach from many people and hold my head up high and move forward.  It's just another bonus we get to deal with as they start heading back...... 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #141 on: March 16, 2019, 03:26:41 PM »
Ok so I cry tears of joy as I feel so loved and supported and understood by you all!  I just count my blessings to have this board to hear from you all who have been through this MLC crap first hand!  I hate that you are all part of my horrific life experience club but I am appreciative to have you all along for the ride!

So this might be TMI and if it is too personal for you to read, please click to another thread.  But....
Since I found all this out and we have gotten back to having sex it has been so difficult.  I love him and our chemistry has always been undeniable.....but after I found out he was with the wh*r^ monster every. single. time.  I think about him and her.  I hate that I know that the girls in the office found out he was with her when she walked in and she was blowing him.  I can't help but picture him sitting in his desk chair and her on her knees.  That is the same desk chair that I sit in when I go help out and do his billing data entry.  He had this white leather couch in the employee break room, that was where they had sex.  He has told me as I questioned him the only two places they ever had sex were on that couch and at her house a handful of times he went there.  He promised me she never came to our house and our bed.  Once we reconciled I made him give that leather couch away.  There is no need for a breakroom couch in the first place. She is the one who wanted it because she would have her daughter come to the office after school to hang out and watch tv in the back before she was done with work.  But even with that stupid couch gone I can just picture the two of them together.  It just eats me up inside.  She was this bimbo blonde who wore stupid wh*r^ high heels and tight skank clothes....I am like a cute mom who wears stylish but comfy clothes.  I mean I get compliments on my outfits but she was the type who oozed look at me I think I am sexy.  I just feel so insecure and ugly and stupid.....so stupid!  I feel so stupid!  I just hate how stupid I was!  It kills me!  I have moments i just want to die.  I have four kids who need me and I am not going to do anything like that.....but good Lord why do I have to deal with this???  I know I am not perfect but how could he do that with her and just violate our wedding vows???  Sorry I am babbling and crying and upset today.....  I love him, I do.  I see he has changed.  I see his remorse.  But I have such a hard time overcoming these feelings, these thoughts, it is so upsetting!  I had such a nice life before he went and chose to turn against me....he made me think I was the problem.  I have trouble letting go of that. 

Ok I am crying and I have to get myself together before my kids come home and worry about their mom having a breakdown, sobbing to her laptop in the middle of the kitchen floor! 

Thank you all for being there for me....for being understanding of this crap, for cheering me on....
It means the world to me that there are people out there who understand....
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline strawberry

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #142 on: March 16, 2019, 03:57:58 PM »
I really have no advice on how to help but wanted to say you are not alone.  H and I continued to be intimate though separated because I was stupid and didn’t know (or didn’t accept) that there was an OW.  We stopped when that came to light, but resumed again after a while.  I very much struggle with this.  I know there are therapist that deal specifically with this type of issue but I haven’t gone to see one yet. Ironically our MC recommended a sex therapist back before he moved out when I just thought we were going through a rough time.
H: 43
M: 44
M: 2003, T: 2001, Friends: 1996
No kids
2 dogs, 2 cats
BD1 (Summer 2014) "We aren't happy, I should move out, we should divorce"  Nothing happened.
Nov 2014 we moved across the country for H's job
BD2 (July 2015) "I'm not happy.  I want a divorce"  H moves out for 2 weeks.
BD3 (Nov 2017) H takes a new job 2 hours away and moves out.
BD4 (September 2018) OW2 discovered despite claims there has never been one.  She outs MOW1 and discloses that H filed for Divorce, but has not served me.  OW2 dumps him.
Currently "dating" to see if we have anything to salvage.  Divorce on hold (unofficially).

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #143 on: March 17, 2019, 07:15:28 PM »
Jo Jo

Quote
I think about him and her.
.

And this is the trauma that we all suffer as wives of men that have done such a catastrophic thing. I hear you loud and clear and I wish I could change it for you ..it is a hell that has no description. I went thru what you are describing for 2 years ...maybe more . I watched movies in colour in my brain of them together but for some reason the "sound" was muted ...so whatever "love talk they shared will always be "their secret". I saw it as this "bubble " floating around inside of MY marriage of MY husband in a intimate sexual relationship with another women . It was like a haunting and I was determined to "know" everything and break this bubble-thing. It is far worse when you know the OW because she is not a faceless image...she is real and you can see her clearly. The only thing that finally helped me was EMDR. Prior to that ...I suffered in ways I believed I would never overcome. What an unforgivable thing to do as a human being. EMDR severed the emotional reaction, anxiety ( severe) , the rage and shock from the "picture". I still see the 2 of them together in my mind ( if I am triggered) but I no longer feel the extreme pain. I feel sorrow and loss ...but I can process that and move on. I truly recommend looking at EMDR to help you .

Quote
It just eats me up inside.
.

Please seek some help with this ...it almost killed me and it certainly stopped any positive reconciliation progress for a very long time. There are days still that I just cry ..just break down and sob and I can feel something almost physical being released. But those days are few and far between now. PTSD creates some kind of need to ruminate and re-visit traumatic memory over and over ... and I was stuck there for a long time. I am still not 100% healed .

Quote
I just feel so insecure and ugly and stupid.....so stupid!  I feel so stupid!  I just hate how stupid I was!  It kills me!  I have moments i just want to die.  I have four kids who need me and I am not going to do anything
.

I can tell you that I was stripped ...utterly stripped of my self-esteem and confidence. NEVER did I anticipate that would happen. I continue to recover very very slowly. It has been one of the most difficult things ..almost a complete loss of self. I did start  thread a few months ago simply called "UGLY".  That experience still struggles inside of me. I was shocked at how gutted to the core I was ...why?? I did nothing and yet the sense of humiliation was raw. I screamed ...and I do mean screamed ...about the anguish of being sooo incredibly stupid. I no longer feel that whatsoever, but I remember it well. If it is someones intention to deceive you , to lie and to betray you ...they will be successful 100% of the time. It say absolutely nothing about our intelligence . Period. Its a process. It is being convinced that they truly at a gut level understand what they have caused in another human .We are forever changed ..YOU are FAR from stupid !  You loved and trusted exactly as a partner does.

Quote
how could he do that with her and just violate our wedding vows??? 
.

I have asked this over a million times in a death-grip of emotional torture .  How could he ??  HOW could he drive his truck to her home , be led up to her bed , strip down and destroy 35 years of... everything. HOW?  There is NO satisfactory answer and there never will be. Just like that ... his actions caused grief in varying degrees to over 40 people . And the passion or chemicals or overpowering urge ... how can that ever be experienced again .. with ME?  It feels like I will never be good enough now ... ugh, that still hurts . Lets face it ... sex in a long term marriage or affair sex?. It just crushed my desire to ashes..the purity between us is gone. We are having "normal" reactions ... as hatefull as it is . I often wonder if those waiting and praying for their husbands to return ( as I did ) understand the hell of recovering?   If you ever do...

Quote
..he made me think I was the problem.
.

yes...they did. Your husband and mine and apparently all MLC'ers need to project blame on to us . It is a BIT&H to let go of that injustice. I am still doing EMDR regarding my reactivity to "hearing " blame . Apparrently I hear blame ..when there was none said . I am experiencing "hearing thru a wound"  ( so they tell me ) and react in under 1/16 th of a second to any sentence I perceive as "blaming". This has been the most difficult thing to gain control of ... and to this day , I am terrified or hearing "blame". NEVER will I accept blame for how HE managed his mental health (MLC or not ) , for how HE makes decisions, for what HE saw as a solution to his pain, for HIS perceptions of the world from childhood trauma  etc etc ... NEVER will I accept any blame. This was the core of my rage ...

You are "normal" . Your reactions to such a deep betrayal are real , deeply painfull and take a very long time to recover from . PTSD does not go away ...you need to learn techniques and strategies to manage it. I am sorry ...I sure hope that these men turn out to be worth the sword they swung... Please do some research regarding EMDR .   HUGS to you x 100 ! 







Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Online shopgirl

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #144 on: March 19, 2019, 06:20:38 PM »
Friend-

I am so sorry. I will never, ever understand any of this unnecessary heartache they have caused us.  I have no advice, nothing to offer you but two statements;

1. I’ve SEEN you- (and the wh$re), and there is absolutely NO comparison- you are so far out of her league- both in looks and class. She has nothing on you.
2. Praying for you, friend. Always.
M: 43
H: 42
Married: 20 yrs
D19 & S18
Discovered ow 19 months ago, had been going on for 8 months prior- at this point, I believe ow is gone.
Was in replay for 32 months (approx)
Lived at home until 11 months ago- now lives in his office and sleeps in a sleeping bag.  Has moved back in & out 3 times, is showing the desire to be with me & the kids as a family, just not strong enough to do it yet.
Depression & Withdrawal are evident and come & go.  When they aren't as heavy, he is in continuous contact with me, when they engulf him, he is a hermit and talks to no-one.  I've seen a pattern on 4 days "on", 4 days "off"... He has been consistent in this for a little over two months.

Online Treasur

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #145 on: March 19, 2019, 10:37:23 PM »
JoJo
I am so sorry. Please think about Barbie's advice on finding an EMDR specialist...it is a good treatment for this kind of thing, that 'stuck in your head' feeling. And please recognise too that this is not your fault or failing...not even entirely about ow or your h actually...it's that your life got invaded without your say so by a whole bunch of disgusting, shocking realities you could not control and everything was changed by it. Including you. Anything that happens now with your h or your family, no matter how sorry he is, can't undo that. But the right kind of treatment CAN help it drop back and how you heal is entirely your business and responsibility imho. Be selfish, that's ok, it can feel better trust me.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #146 on: March 20, 2019, 01:17:47 AM »
A relationship counsellor at the beginning of my journey told me I would be happy again in around 5 years...I hated her...5 years was like eternity. The 5 years was both if H and I reconciled, or not...either it would take approximately that long to rebuild again, and trust I guess, and be happy together, or we wouldn’t be together but I would be ok with that too. She presumably didn’t factor in MLC, but I’m sure she had seen a scenario like mine many times before, and this was her experience. Maybe it’s just time J for you too, and the ugly feelings will pass as new, good memories are slowly built. Take care
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #147 on: Today at 06:01:22 AM »
Thank you all for suggestions, encouragement and prayers!  I so appreciate it all more than you can imagine.  You all keep me feeling sane on the days it all feels like it could fall apart.

Soooooo the latest and greatest? 

Ok so my H is moving his practice to a new building.  He rents a building now, it makes sense because he is looking to expand his office and rather than pay more rent and for a remodel to just buy a building and own it.  Anyway after lengthy searching he found a building, put down $20K and is in the process of moving towards closing.  In the meantime I have been curious as to where the OW went.  Last H had heard when she asked him for a positive recommendation after she was let go, she was probably like 10-15 miles away down in the city working.  But I did a search online looking at offices' websites and no sign of her.  Made me wonder....under the other day I thought to myself I bet she is NOT driving that far anymore, and I did a search and BINGO there she is.  In her full fake blonde with ridiculous false eyelashes.  She has taken a career step down to be a "front desk manager", at H's office she was the top dog "office manager".  I am sure this came with a paycut as well....no way she is getting what she had upped her salary to at H's office.  Ok but....the worst part of this is....I looked at her current office and it was in the same area as H's new building so I did a google maps search....how far is she?  .2 miles!  YES POINT TWO, not Two miles, POINT TWO!  Ugh! 
So I point this out to H and his response "Oh for F&ck's Sake!"  He asked me if I want him to pull out of the deal but seriously????  Not going to risk losing $20K plus he has paid for inspections and lawyers and the OW is NOT one to get along with other women.  I wouldn't be surprised if she is gone from this new office before long.  There are two women doctors in this practice and one male....H knows the male and he says he is kind of arrogant and bets OW doesn't like him.  Anyway.....never ending bullsh!t that goes on.  If he had only kept things professional!

One more question if anyone is reading and knows....
Retrouvaille Marriage retreats....any info?
I am Catholic and I was reading about this.  It's a weekend.  Looks like what we need, communication skills.  H is on board.  He wants to do whatever we can to build a stronger marriage. 
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #148 on: Today at 06:48:07 AM »
Is this your lucky day or what ??   I am a Retrouvaille "expert"...lol. ( I laugh at self) . We attend monthly, did the retreat, have volunteered as the "angel couple" at other retreats and have met some great friends there . You can join Retrouvaille on facebook if you like for more info. My husband has spoken at Retrouvaille(made every man cry ). I totally believe it is a great step forward !   I can tell you my experience if you like... but see it as a positive move!
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 2
« Reply #149 on: Today at 07:35:14 AM »
Barbie....awesome to hear!!!!  We are scheduled to go in June!  I know we need better communication methods.  We are better than before but we still struggle with it. 
If you think of anything regarding Retrouvaille please please please share here! 
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

 

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