Author Topic: My Story so this is now my life...vol.2  (Read 4406 times)

Offline krathosTopic starter

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My Story so this is now my life...vol.2
« on: January 17, 2017, 02:50:58 PM »

Offline Never say never

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Re: so this is now my life...vol.2
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2017, 03:48:27 PM »
K, trying to keep up with so many threads, but what I've been reading about you, you are trying way too hard for the both of you.  SHE moved two hours away.  HER mess.  No car?  Boo-hoo.  You need to put the focus on you and your D.  I know you made this one commitment, but after this, be done with wife and OM.

Your wife will notice the detachment.  Put all of your extra energy onto posting here.  I know you want nothing more than your family back together, but for that to happen, you need something called patience.  It is so hard, K.  Trust me.  I was the most impatient person in the world. 

For now, let go, let God.  Take care of you and your daughter.  (((HUGS)))

Offline krathosTopic starter

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Re: so this is now my life...vol.2
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2017, 05:39:20 PM »
Never,
You know, I think you might be right, I never thought about it but you are right, I am trying way to hard. Thinking back over the last few weeks I have not really done my mirror work as much as would like, I need to get back to D and I.

W can wallow in her mess until she is ready to move forward. I need to stop. I realize now that I have started pressuring her again and that isn't my intention.
She knows what she is doing is wrong.
She knows what she has to do, I can't make it happen.
I will stop responding to every text and every phone call.
I will step back for a while and see what happens.
Part of me would like to cancel Saturday, but that is not an option, it would be beyond cruel of me to do. I will keep my word on that and go...who knows, it might jar her a little bit.
But I won't hold my breathe.

Offline in it

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Re: so this is now my life...vol.2
« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2017, 06:05:30 PM »
GOOD! :)
And Never is right.
It is admirable of you to follow through with what you say you will do by taking D to see her.Just consider after this to stop making the effort.

Yes and please stop replying to every single peep out of her.
Try it try NC until you get ready to leave Saturday.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline krathosTopic starter

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Re: so this is now my life...vol.2
« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2017, 02:03:30 AM »
In it,
I was in contact with her as much as I was mostly on what I have read in Den's threads and for the most part she as been spot on with everything.... I guess I am still pushing to hard though even following her advise, which is why I intend to back off, let her see that I will follow through with what I said about not texting and receiving her calls.. I have my own life to lead to.

Offline Wahine

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Re: so this is now my life...vol.2
« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2017, 09:37:07 AM »
Krathos,

I stayed in constant contact with H when he moved out and responded to his texts fairly quickly and was available to him all the time and NOTHING changed and in fact he got worse.  I was told he got worse cuz he had no respect for me because I was showing him I had no respect for myself. 

It was hard to regain my self-respect, but once I did I saw a change in his attitude towards me.  Trust me it was baby steps at first, but not anymore!   I occasionally slide backwards (this weekend was one of those times), but I no longer engage with H like I use to.  When he behaves badly I just don’t engage at all.  If he is disrespectful I don’t respond and if he plays the “poor me” card I don’t react.  He made this mess, so I don’t feel sorry for him in any way.  Once I stopped feeling responsible for him and his actions, things took an amazing turn for me. 

We are currently trying to reconnect and working on him returning home later this year.  One of his last really dumb demands and was part of him agreeing to going to MC together (MC was his idea) was when he demand that I allow him to see his family.  This was a strange demand since he moved out almost 2 years ago and he had only seen everyone once in those two years, but in his mind it was my fault.  I agreed and really just laughed about it to myself cuz poor H didn’t see his family cuz of me – whatever.  Not my monkey and sure as heck not my circus!   I died laughing when he reached out to see when the family Christmas celebration was happening this year and he was told he wasn’t invited because he had done things to his family and until he apologized he was not welcome.  He told me this and it took everything I had not to laugh out loud.  He said “I can’t believe they think it was me that made mistakes.” I wanted to ask “who do you think did all of this – me?”  I just shake my head and really don’t worry about the small stuff anymore.  Doesn’t help me and really only stresses me out when I engage in it.  My life is very peaceful doing and engaging when it feels right for ME!

Take care of you and D first!  MLCW made this mess, so she needs to be a big girl and clean the mess up.
She believed she could, so she did!

Offline krathosTopic starter

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Re: so this is now my life...vol.2
« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2017, 02:35:10 PM »
Wahine.
Thanks, this is going to be so hard for me to do, but I have to, she is a lost soul and she makes me feel lost at times when I don't hear from her, just talking to her sometimes makes me forget about this mess, that isn't a good thing.

She one day sounds so lost but the next just continues to dig herself deeper, I need to realize that she isn't coming back and has no interest in coming back (she blames where I live for part of the way that she felt mentally).
I need to cut ties and get on with my life with the thought again that she isn't coming back.

She acts all upset that D isn't speaking to her but puts zero effort into fixing the problem, OM is part of the problem...for me anyways, D doesn't say a thing about him other then to tell me her mother is a bad wife and a bad mother, she doesn't understand why I would want her back, I don't understand sometimes honestly.

W is terrified about Saturday, she has one heck of a battle ahead of her to rebuild with D, if it can be rebuilt and a few hours once in a while just isn't going to cut it, she needs to spend real time with her and she doesn't seem willing to come here for weekends to do that. And I can't see D ever going down there for a weekend with W and OM..not happening.

I know after this weekend D will go back to ignoring her and she will still wonder why D still won't text with her. D needs to see a real change and that isn't going to happen from 200km away and little contact. Not my problem..but I hate to see D have no love or relationship with W. It breaks my heart cause it isn't what I want..no matter what happens between W and I. She really does love that kid but she just... I don't know, lost her way? She forgot how to be a good mother cause she used to be. Anyways, she is a mess, this isn't the woman I married
that's for sure.

I wonder sometimes if she has been in this MLC longer than BD. The woman I knew never would have given up on us, walked away from her D so easily. I wouldn't leave D no matter how much I hated a place or a job. But I guess that's the difference between a sane person and someone in a MLC.

Offline Wahine

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Re: so this is now my life...vol.2
« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2017, 03:45:02 PM »
The only person you have control over is yourself and you really can't worry about what if or what should or could be.  At this point it is only about you taking care of yourself, so you can be the very best F to D.  She needs you and you need to focus on that and really nothing else.  You can't change the past and you don't know what the future holds, so stay firmly planted in today! 

W made this mess and it is only hers to clean up.

She believed she could, so she did!

Offline Never say never

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Re: so this is now my life...vol.2
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2017, 04:00:24 PM »
K, listen to Wahine and re-read her post.  Nothing is going to change if you keep on being there for her.  Come on.  You need to do exactly the opposite of what you and your "normal" wife used to do.  She is not herself right now.  You have to put your love for her on a shelf and move forward with your D.

Your wife is a teenager right now in lala land.  Remember back in high school.  If a girl or guy is throwing himself at your feet, is that the person you want to date?  Of course not.  You want the thrill of the chase.  You want the excitement.  Us normal, mature adults are done game-playing.  We have grown up. 

K, they are going through puberty again.  Lead your life with your D, and when it comes to your wife, just detach and play her game.  Don't engage.  You are the chase.  You don't need her.  She can have OM and have fun with him, and if she tries to make you feel at all guilty, your response:  "I'm sorry you feel that way.  Gotta run.  Sorry."  That will drive her nuts.

Try not to think about your D's relationship with her M.  That's your W's problem to deal with.  You have enough responsibility on your own.

Offline krathosTopic starter

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Re: so this is now my life...vol.2
« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2017, 04:44:30 PM »
Wahine..Never,
Thanks ladies, starting Saturday after she gets her taste of D time, and I hope D behaves, I will shut off communication with her, I am tired of this game. I hope she gets a taste of what she is missing cause I'm going to shut her down, I am fed-up with playing second fiddle to OM and her new old friends. I am tired of hearing her talk to me like her husband but doesn't treat me like it, she is getting the best of both worlds and it has to stop.

 

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