[initforever]

Too funny Conveantkeeper !

[Faith]

My H told me that God preformed the first divorce when He kicked the devil out of heaven!!!

I couldn't help but to kindly inform him THEY WERE NEVER MARRIED!!!!

LOL!!!  I really hope these stories keep coming because knowing I'm not the only one hearing these absurdities is great therapy!!

[Bewildered]

First CKeeper replace fishing rod with tent and i had a similar conversation with my H - but to add to it he didn't take the tent with him he bought another one and the gunk that goes with it ..last August he rang me all miserable he was off camping (booked it 7 months before) at a cycling festival with camping and it was pouring with rain.. he said, ' I don't want to go' I said then 'Don't' but he said ' I have paid for it' .. so I just said ' well lets hope it stops raining then' Ha ha

My H is also paranoid at times .. he for about 2 = years until recently we think has had a thing about the landlady not wanting anyone to stay at his apartment ... D he told when she stayed - 'be very quiet so the rest of the building wont know you are here'  D said 'OK so no parties like last time hey?' he went berserk until she pointed out she was joking and thinking mad man at the same time.
But she stayed last week had a dinner party and he said nothing so maybe the paranoia is on its way out.    

Others:

he said when I asked him where he'd been in a general conversation
'I don't want you to know where I have been or who with or anything about me'
so i am not going to tell you ....
i replied OK
Then months later - he said 'why don't you speak to me' I said 'because its hard to have a conversations when you can't chat bout what you have been doing etc'
he said what do you mean and i repeated his words - he said I didn't say this..
the craziness goes on ............

B

[Hope for Zen]

When I gave H the waiver on the divorce apers I explained that I had my lawyer write one up instead of the standard one he gave me so I wouldn't lose my right to be notified of any court dates.

H replied, "That's fine.  I trust you.  You know more about this stuff anyway."

WTF?

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

Me: So, your complaint is that I kept you from doing something you have always wanted to do that you never mentioned to me with equipment that you have that I've never laid eyes on?
Him: Yes.

And he said it all with a straight face!! 

This is a riot and sounds like something similar going on in my situation with my own fog-brained H.  I swear I wish I could RECORD him sometimes saying the things that he says.

[kikki]

These are priceless  Wed2, you're doing a wonderful job of finding some interesting threads that haven't seen the light of day for a while

[dollard]

my xh said some pretty idiotic things

the week I found out about the affair, XH, my daughter and I were watching The Heartbreak Kid
There is a scene with Ben Stiller is in bed with his new wife.  She is going all crazy on him, and he is having a hard time with the sex.  It looks as f he is in pain.
Stupid xh looks at both me and my daughter and tells us that is how it is with ow/now wife. and laughs.
My daughter and I remained speachless.


Xh was always trying to find fault with me.  Once he even complained that I cooked.  Having a cooked meal everyday turned out to be a problem.

but I do know the the day he chose between me and the ow.  He was upset that I was looking at the sign to determine if we were allowed parking there.  He turned to me angrily and said that ow was a free spirit and would leave her car anywhere, and if it wasn't there when she returned so what.

he is still really messed up, it has been four years.  He lost his job a year ago and seems to be having a hard time finding a new one.

[angelgirl]

Not using our names: My H said I wasn't "human" to him.
Weirdness he used to say (my friends wanted me to keep a tape recorder. I wish i had):

H: you were a good wife. I'll write you a letter of recommendation.
Me: Thanks! I can't say the same for you, however.

H: can you believe OW called me a "cheater"
Me: isn't that what you are?
H: NO!

H: OW is like you, like you used to be, only better.


H: remember you wanted the divorce, not me.
ME: Hello, you left me.
H: I don't want this.
Me: Ok, i'll stop it. come home.
H: or maybe we should get it over with.
Me: which one is it?
H: can you wait till June?
Me: what am i waiting for?
H: for my image of OW to crack.

H: you spend too much money
Me: I'm a spendthrift, I hardly ever spend money on myself, you know that...
H: Yes, you are a spendthrift. why didn't you spend more money on yourself? You should.
Me: so you WANT me to spend more money??
H: No, you spend too much.
Me: Ok, lets start from the beginning. Give me an example.
H: (thinks hard. eyebrows crossed. vacant eyes search for something). Food.
Me: What food? You eat the most.
H: I  know I do, but you spend too much money on other food.
Me: me ok, what other food?
H: (looks pained when he thinks. brain hurts). WATER. YOU BUY BOTTLED WATER.
Me: You mean the case of water I buy every six weeks on sale for $2.99?
H: YES!
ME: What do you suggest?
H: Use sink water.
Me: Done. I will now save us $2.99 every six weeks and refill old bottles with carcinogenic sink water. Problem solved.

and this one at BD:

H: you never want to go away on trips.
Me: we go away 2-3 times a year. We just got back from Europe.
H: yes but I wanted to go away for Christmas.
Me: we got snowed in.
H: that shouldn't matter.
Me: you're leaving me because it snowed?
H: well, yes, I guess. And anyway,  where were you when i was stuck in the house?
Me:  shoveling.
H: Oh yeah. Why didn't you want to go to Venice though?
Me: we just got back from Europe. I thought we'd try a new place.
H: No no, you didn't want to go away and you plan for them too much.
Me: So you're leaving me because I suggested we go somewhere else, but you interpreted that to mean I don't want to go away and if I do go away I'm the one that prepares for it. and that's a reason to abandon your family?
H: I guess. It sounds different when you say it.

or
H at BD: The kids can't do anything.
Me: Like what?
H: drive.
Me: one is 16 and one is 13. they're not allowed to drive.
H: yes but you can encourage them.
Me: next i see them I will encourage them to break the law. What else can't they do?
H: fry an egg.
Me: you want they should fry and egg? I will put each of them in front of big flames to make an egg for you, 'cause they don't eat fried eggs. They can microwave something.
H: they can?
Me: Yes, for years. you got anything else? anything? Did I try to kill you in my sleep or something, because I'm missing something...
H: No, you're great. Nothing's wrong with you.
ME: but you're leaving. Cause I'm great, and the kids can't drive or fry an egg.

and lastly:
H, toward the end of tunnel:

H: I know what I'm doing is wrong. Why can't I come home?
Me: You're asking me? Ask your girlfriend.
H: No I can't ask her and don't call her my girlfriend.
Me: Ask the person you're shtupping.
H: she's just a friend. But I can't let on that's something's wrong.
Me: you can't confide in your "friend" that you left me for? sounds like a good solid relationship you got there.
H: you don't understand...
Me: you're afraid.
H: what am i afraid of?
Me: you tell me.
H: No, YOU tell me. I can't think anymore.

H is home and doesn't remember the specifics of any of these and other ridiculous conversations. he'll say, "I said WHAT?"  But H is still capable of some whoppers. H just said to me "Isn't it great that after all these years i never got tired of you and wanted to leave?" I look at him curiously. H says, "Oh yeah, except for that one time..."

angelgirl

[Mamma Bear]

 OMG Too funny.
  Angelgirl   LOL I got soda up my nose thanks.  What am I wating for? My image of OW to crack.      I Love it. That's what I feel like I'm living right now. OMG.
     Once after my H reappeared after 6 weeks post BD we were walking in the driveway through the woods.  He was a tad behind me. I heard him mutter " Just so you know I never cheated on you."
   I stopped walking turned around and said " Hon, you're having an affair!"
    He says (smiling and cute)   " Oh yeah" 
    I'll think of more later.
    Oh another thing, when he first appeared after BD he gave the Ds some movies (DVDs)  One was Blindsided  with Sandra Bullock.
    At least it wasn't  Mission Impossible

[trabranic]

I got a big kick out of reading some of these things that our MLCers have said. You know how it's usually the MLCer that says ILYBINILWY? Well my H told me that one of the reasons he left me was because I was the one that said that to him!! WTF?? Yeah, I would have remembered that one.