Author Topic: My Story Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think  (Read 3749 times)

Online Mitzpah

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My Story Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #10 on: March 03, 2017, 11:50:59 AM »
Hi Enyo,

I think all long marriages when hit with this crisis have a lot of similarities. I heard a lot of what  you did, admittedly we had only been married 26 years and five months at BD, 31 years relationship. The 'we got married too young', watching his weight, obsessing with all he perceived I 'never let him', he also excluded me from his office socialization, starting to run with the younger crowd...

You are doing very well and seem to have gotten a handle on this.

One of the early triggers for my husband's crisis was my hysterectomy (along with the removal of my gall bladder too) - he was very distant, different from my loving husband - this was in 2008 - two years before BD. Our middle son had had brain cancer and was recovering at this time, needing less attention. H. seemed to disconnect from me then, even though I made a good recovery and felt a lot better after the hysterectomy.

I am glad you have a counsellor, I am sure it is a great help :) Let go and let God, is what I say!
M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Online EnyoTopic starter

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #11 on: March 08, 2017, 11:43:11 AM »
Thanks WN, Learning and dogwalker for the words of support.
 
Wasn't expecting H to be in contact, well that’s a Lie!!!!  I think that deep down I am not as detached as I thought and was hoping he would maybe contact in a ‘friendly’ way.

H did call sons on Friday to catch up, sons feel really awkward talking to him, but are trying to be friendly with him.  He also sent me a text me to say he had been hit with a hefty electric bill for our (my) house.  He is actually being more than generous with money and is making sure that I am receiving 50% of our joint income.  We had a new tiled floor throughout kitchen and conservatory (quite a large space) with underfloor heating put in last spring.  The underfloor heating was Hs request, think that the cost of running it has come back to bit him now.  Still toasty toes were nice while they lasted!

He didn’t travel home to the flat last weekend opting instead to travel to Italy over the weekend for meetings on Monday.  This coming weekend he is going to Cardiff (Rugby) on Saturday, got tickets through work clients then travelling up north after the game so he can travel back down on Sunday (400-mile round trip) so he can take our sons to play happy families with his family.

Have to admit this family trip is getting to me.

His family – what can I say.  We have always had a ‘Christmas Card Round Robin Letter’ relationship with his family.  By that I mean everything is very shallow and ‘topshow’, only good news and smiles allowed.  It gets very wearing and the mask was getting more and more difficult to keep in place over the last couple of years.  H wants sons, and their girlfriends, to do the round trip on Sunday to go out for a meal with MIL FIL BIL SIL and two cousins and maybe other BIL and SIL will be there to make a full set.  I am not sure what H has told them about me, they know we are separated but I am not sure how he has justified this to them, in fact he has asked that I don’t contact them and the last message I got from SIL was ‘Sorry it hasn’t worked out between your and ***** (H)’ as if we were teenagers having gone out for a few weeks not been married for nearly 35 years. 

Sons are really not looking forward to the day (which will involve around 7 hours sitting in a car) but don’t feel able to say no as they know H will blame me for influencing them if they do so they have reluctantly agreed to it.  Also H has reminded them that Grandparents are now old and he doesn’t know how long they will be around.  That reminds  H did actually tell me when we first met (36 years ago) that his mum was ill (she had sarcoidosis) and probably only had around 6 months to live ~ she is still here.

On a brighter note I am going to a Gin festival on Saturday afternoon so maybe I will be too hungover to care ;)
Me 59
MLCer 57
M35 years, Together 37 years
S26 & S25
BD1 Dec 15 - you've been a wonderful wife and mother but it's not enough!
BD2 - 8/21/16 - Moved out into our rental flat locally,
Feb 17 - Unhappy, need to move and start a new life with new friends
May 17 - Moved to his parents home town 200 miles away
Emotional (has bee physical) affair with my ex married friend continuing - since around summer of 2015

Online EnyoTopic starter

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #12 on: March 08, 2017, 12:00:48 PM »
Thanks Mitzpah, Its true that they don't seem to be able to handle our illnesses well.  I think that maybe it reminds them of how we are all ageing, they just need to realise that you can enjoy this time in life, lets face it the children and independent, the hard work is behind and whats ahead can be anything you want it to be - a real adventure.

Actually went through a surgical menopause when I had my ovaries removed this followed 12 months later by back surgery and and SAH really seemed to freak him out.  Also I was pretty depressed and questioning my role in life, not that I ever thought our marriage or H were at fault.  In fact BD is what snapped my back into living, now just need something to snap him back.
Me 59
MLCer 57
M35 years, Together 37 years
S26 & S25
BD1 Dec 15 - you've been a wonderful wife and mother but it's not enough!
BD2 - 8/21/16 - Moved out into our rental flat locally,
Feb 17 - Unhappy, need to move and start a new life with new friends
May 17 - Moved to his parents home town 200 miles away
Emotional (has bee physical) affair with my ex married friend continuing - since around summer of 2015

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #13 on: March 08, 2017, 05:18:52 PM »
Enyo, I would tell your sons that H's perception of why they don't want to go, shouldn't influence their decision. He's entitled to his feelings and interpretations however wrong they are. I do agree that they should make an effort to visit with their ageing grandparents. It's true that they won't be around forever.

The fact that your H's family is only allowed to share good news speaks volumes as to why you are at this juncture. Your H has apparently never been allowed to speak his mind or deal with difficulties.
trying2bok

Offline stayed

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #14 on: March 09, 2017, 02:32:27 PM »
Hello Envoy:

I have been chosen to mentor you.  You sound like a lady who wants to heal and find her way to normality.  A woman with reasonable expectations and is completely honest with herself.  Just the sort of person I love to work with, can't believe I got two such mentee's in a week of each other.

I am sure you are aware, there is no magic solution.  Sadly, not me or anybody else can do this for you.  Only you can do that.  That being said, it is YOU who determines how much pain and suffering you are willing to accept.  If you want to suffer a lot, you will focus completely on your MLCer and pretty much ignore the importance of your own healing.  My personal experience taught me that to heal myself first and then see how my MLCer was looking, helped me in so many ways. 

Healing will not happen overnight.  You have spent a good portion of your life with your h, your lives are forever "entwined" no matter what the outcome.  My desire is to help you through the worst of the pain, so that you are able to remain in civilized, perhaps even amicable terms with your spouse.  There is NOTHING you can do about your MLCer, you may or may not be at that point yet, so I will try not to rush you. 

You have been battling this pretty much on your own for quite a while now and doing a VERY good job of it too, I might add.  You have done many of the things that all of us tried to do and have had the same result.  I do not consider these to be error's, I think it is human nature to try to be as compassionate and empathetic when you truly think there is something wrong with someone you love, or perhaps are struggling with depression/mental illness/whatever.  I remember doing all kinds of research on tumours because I was convinced my h had a brain tumour or some such thing, as what else could have caused such a drastic change and so overnight.  Of course as time went on and I began to reflect, THIS had obviously not started suddenly, it had been slowly encroaching into our lives for many years.  Uggh... dreadful!

This is a long, slow process.  No one can predict the outcome.  The only thing we all know for sure, this is easier to handle if you focus on yourself.  This is a good time to start new hobbies that you might have had an interest in pursuing in the past but did not do so, as you felt it might intrude into your family/partnership time.  Reconnecting with old friends, old hobbies, activities will also help you through this most difficult of times.  Taking control of your life and is very gratifying and energizing.  This is the time to do those things that you have been putting off, or considering attempting.  The sky is the limit.  MlCer is off on his own journey, he may or may not return, but the healthier you are, the better you will cope with whatever the outcome.

Feel free to contact me via PM if you like, although I prefer to post on the open forum as other people will be able to contribute and share their personal experience giving you their support and input.  I suggest you reciprocate and post on other threads whose situations interest you, follow and support them, as much as your time will allow.  The more input and support you put into others, the MORE INPUT, support and attention you will receive in return. 

Again, I am so sorry you are here but you have found a safe place to work through all of this with. 

Hugs Stayed


Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

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Online EnyoTopic starter

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #15 on: March 10, 2017, 01:24:01 AM »
Hi Staying, thanks for agreeing to hold my hand over the next few weeks I very much appreciate it.  As you say I am looking to find my way back to normality, I think it has really been missing in my life for the past few years. 

I have read you story and whilst your wonderful outcome obviously gives me hope I am trying hard to hold onto the fact that no matter what I do or how I conduct myself my H may decide not to come back.  I have been living in this full blow crisis probably for over 2 years now, things started to change (I think he moved from MLT to MLC) when H was offered this new job and I think that I have come a long way on my journey in that time but also know that I have a long way to go.  I have started to move forward faster than ever in the 5/6 weeks since I found this forum.

Up until that time I would text H every week just to offer love and support as MIL was so ill and he was struggling to share care for FIL with his brothers.  He took these messages of support to be manipulative so at that point I decided to stop contacting him altogether and just reply, with calm basic replies, if he contacted me, which he has done 4 times in the last 4 weeks.  I know that he is at least alive as he is trying to rebuild his relationships with our sons.  I am noticeably calmer when I don’t have to think about him or about what he is doing or when he may pop up next.  I am even settling back into work.  I haven’t really been operating at an optimum level.  I manage a GP practice in the UK and realise that I have been doing just enough to be useful, thankfully the partners have been very understanding.  We had a partnership meeting last week and after it one of the partners commented that ‘It’s nice to see Enyo’s back in the room!’

I have read a lot of threads on this site and can see that documenting your journey is not only cathartic but also lets you see how far you have come.  I did start a journal over 12 months ago, and really wish I had kept it up.  I found that journal last week and re-read what I had written, I cried for the women and the place I was in at that time, I had forgotten just how low I was and how desparate I felt and I see those feelings mirrored here by people who have found this site at the start of their journeys.  I have had other low moments, particularly this last Christmas, the first without H in 35 years, when even 18 months into this I still was trying to find a solution – the panic attacks were particularly debilitating and I needed time off work.  After finding this site, going 180 and understanding that detaching doesn’t mean giving up and no longer caring but healing and becoming the best I can be for me.  If H does decide he would like to come back he will find, not the women he left 6 months ago, but a confident more self-assured me.  I think my self-confidence has returned because of reading everything on this site, and more and finally understanding that this crisis is not my fault, and that despite what H has said, I did nothing to cause this.  I have been doing my mirror work, if I am honest I have probably been doing this for the last 6 months and can now admit that, since my illness(s) I had probably not been showing up in our marriage and that this has obviously created problems.  I am working at changing my outlook and will definitely be front and centre in my relationship in the future.  GAL confused me at first, I took it to mean that I had to be out socialising every night, which really isn’t me.  I have been going out a lot more with friends for meals and to comedy clubs (having a good laugh really helps doesn’t it?).  I have also taken the decision (at 58) to start studying with the Open University for a degree, I have signed up though the course doesn’t start until October.  One of the best things I did last year was, 4 weeks before H left, to buy a puppy.  She is 9 months old now and is an absolute joy, some days she was the only reason I got out of bed. 

Re-reading the above I do sound very confident but this is not always the case and I am also conscious that I have not really had any contact with H for a couple of weeks, it is definitely that contact that causes stress and anxiety in me.  It was I that eventually asked him to leave at the end of Aug 16, he had threatened to leave every week for the proceeding 6 months.  I eventually just said 'If you are going to go I would rather you just did it', it just so happened that I had completed a 6 month renovation programme on our flat getting it ready to sell, he just moved in to his nice new home!  I really feel for LBS who's MLCer don't leave home, I was a nervous wreck before he left, now I can breath.   

Thanks again Stayed  Enyo x
Me 59
MLCer 57
M35 years, Together 37 years
S26 & S25
BD1 Dec 15 - you've been a wonderful wife and mother but it's not enough!
BD2 - 8/21/16 - Moved out into our rental flat locally,
Feb 17 - Unhappy, need to move and start a new life with new friends
May 17 - Moved to his parents home town 200 miles away
Emotional (has bee physical) affair with my ex married friend continuing - since around summer of 2015

Offline stayed

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #16 on: March 10, 2017, 06:27:33 AM »
My dear Envoy, I am going to enjoy working with you.  I am so pleased that you can see, that even though I am one of the few who has actually reconciled, that RECONCILING is really not the MAIN GOAL.  You are!  This forum has been a Godsend to many of us in that it directly facilitated our ability and WILL (yes will), to heal and retake control of our lives. 

After finding this site, going 180 and understanding that detaching doesn’t mean giving up and no longer caring but healing and becoming the best I can be for me. 

Your statement here is "music to my ears" as that describes exactly what STANDING is all about, at least in my opinion.  It is not giving up love and hope that your spouse might return, not in the least, in fact, it is holding on to love and hope, placing it in a nice safe place where it can not be damaged any further.  Recognizing that love and hope cannot be taken from you, as that BELONGS to you.  At the same time, being a door matt and clinging to the MLCer is not helpful to yourself, your children, your family, your friends and most of all YOUR MLCER. 

This is an opportunity to rediscover the person you were before your became Mrs. Envoy, before you became a mother, perhaps even before you became a GP.  I'm not sure why, but we women have a bad habit of handing over our SELF IDENTITY when we take on responsibilities.  Men, don't do that nearly as much as we women.  This is not the way you would have liked to have rediscovered the "lost Envoy" but it's what you have, so why not use it. 

I have found that this horrible situation can make you into a stronger, more compassionate, empathetic, caring person then you were before.  The amazing thing, it is not done by bending weakly and caving in to this crisis, it is done by standing up, confronting it face to face and taking back your life.  In my case, I believe that finding my way back to my former Stayed, the woman I was before I met my h and became his wife, actually attracted my h back to me.  I wasn't focusing on myself for that reason, it just seemed to be a secondary RESULT from working on myself and becoming the best Stayed I could be. 

There is so little statistic available on this most sad situation which we call MLC, that it is hard to make any assumptions.  Whether my h returned because he saw that the woman he had originally married returned, or at least was more the woman he had expected me to evolve into or not, is not the point.  The point is, that I became somebody that I now respect and love, first and foremost.  I had lost sight that in order to live a happy, joyful life, one must LOVE oneself first. 

I hated every single second of this nightmare, but I have no regrets, as it is directly responsible for the stronger, happier person I am today.  I feel I have been granted a second chance to be the person I was always intended to be, not the serving, placating, Stepford Wife, and mother, I had become. 

You are sounding strong Envoy, you are sounding really good.  Of course you are still fragile and confused.  You will have days where you feel like you can conquer the world and other days, where you want to curl up in your bed and cry like a baby.  You know what, that's what you should do.  This is one of the most emotionally disturbing events in the world.  It is compared to THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE... which is an indication of just how dreadful and painful this is.  In some ways, it hurts even more then a "death" because in death, your loved one did not LEAVE YOU WILLINGLY, they had no choice.  With this dreadful situation, they have chosen to abandon us.  THAT HURTS!  That is incomprehensible.  This is a something to CRY ABOUT. 

Even knowing what I know about "detaching" and letting go, I still found it hard to do so.  10/20/30/40 years is a long time.  You were suppose to love, honour and cherish each other until "death do you part" and suddenly ONE PARTY of the team has decided that they are no longer going to stick to the "oath" they took.  That is not an easy thing to accept.  There is nothing easy about any of this.  So please Envoy, be kind to yourself.  Do as you have been doing, go out with good friends, attend comedy clubs etc. as LAUGHTER is truly a wonderful tonic.  The best in fact. 

Keep posting.  I wish I had found this forum when this first happened to me.  I wish I had a actual "journal" of this event.  I know it would have been invaluable.  So keep posting.

HUGS Stayed
« Last Edit: March 10, 2017, 08:08:39 AM by stayed »
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Online EnyoTopic starter

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #17 on: March 10, 2017, 10:09:15 AM »
Thanks Stayed, I do feel fine at the moment but it is wonderful to know that you can vent on here and release some steam.   OK just to catch you up on where my H is

5/6 weeks ago H informed our sons and I that he had listed our flat (where he is currently  living) for sale or to let, whichever happened first and then he was moving away.  His UK office is 300 miles away and he said that the commute was becoming too much, which I can totally understand.  He wasn’t however planning to live near the office but planned to rent a flat somewhere in the middle (around 150 miles from us and from the office), which meant that he would still be commuting and living in the new flat only at weekends.  He tried to convince our sons that he would see more of them when he moved away but when they asked how that would work he didn’t have an answer.  His first thought was to live in Oxford, we did at one time live just south of Oxford and I think he is looking to re-live a ‘happy’ time, looking for a happy place.  He had realised that Oxford is mega expensive so his plan was that he would just get a map and draw circles at 10 mile radius’s north of Oxford until he found somewhere he could afford!  As you can see not really a lot of thought gone into choosing where he should live, believe it or not H was a very intelligent and practical man be BD not sure where that intelligence went.  Needless to say we didn’t question his logic.  He left home last August saying he was unhappy and it was because of me and our marriage that was the problem, he said he had tried his best to make it work (I didn’t notice and I am not sure what this entailed!),  8 weeks living in the flat he said he couldn’t remember a time when he had been happier than he was living alone however now another 4 months on he now realises he is still not happy but this time it is because he has no friends (which is actually true because of the way he works and his nomadic lifestyle), and he feels that people in town are talking and gossiping about us, so he was moving somewhere where he could start again and build a new social life.  Incidentally he says that I am the reason he has no friends as I am socially inept!  This all makes him sound like a saddo but he really wasn’t before all this started.

H has not had to tell anyone that we are living separately (due to having not friends  ;)) except for his immediate family and I am not sure what he told them as he then cut me off them.  People we know in town know, you don’t live apart for 6½ months without it being noticed and I think that this embarrasses him.  He is still wearing his wedding ring, his Facebook account still says he is married to me and he admitted that he hadn’t told anyone at work that he was separated.  Is this denial on his part?  I honestly don’t think that there is an OW, I think that he had a fantasy relationship / EA with ex training partner and I think that she encouraged this because it got her what she wanted, a training partner who would go out to train at the drop of a hat but I also think that he has been too embarrassed to contact her since I put my foot down on their training together 16 months ago, he is really bothers him what other people think about him.  Since leaving home he has been filling his time with work (up to 100 hrs per week) and training (he has signed up for at least one marathon and a triathlon), he has not given himself anytime to stop, breath and think and I don’t see this happening anytime soon.  I nurse friend of mine thinks he needs just a small illness, nothing too major, just something that will slow him down for a month or two!!!!  He knows that he has a trapped nerve in his lower back and one in his neck that are giving him pain as well neuropathy in one foot but he feels that he can just ‘run these off’, not fool like an old fool. 

I know that it is unusual for there not to be an OW and I may be just being delusional but he is never in the same place from one week to the next except when he is at home and then he is either running or trying to get our sons to go round to keep him company.  I did read that work and exercise could be alienators.  By the way he does exercise alone and is not a member of a gym.  I honestly don’t think that he would have left home if I hadn’t pushed last August, this is something that I have been troubled about and feel guilty for but I think I have got to let this go, what is done is done. 

The reason he listed the flat for letting as well as for sale is that he knows that currently the housing market is depressed and that it would be very unlikely that we found a buyer in the currently financial climate.  There are a lot of new build developments going up in this area and first time buyers, who are most likely to be interested in our flat, are being offered great deals to buy new houses off plan.  My sons and I did notice about 2/3 weeks ago that the flat had disappeared from the letting agents list though it is still up for sale.  I am hoping that this means that he is rethinking the logic around his decision to move away, but is keeping the flat up for sale because he can convince himself that he tried to move away.  Of course neither I, or our sons, have discussed this with him and I may be way off.  I think that our sons really need him near so they (and I) can keep an eye on him.  He admitted 9 months ago that he had contemplated ‘ending it all’.  He said that once when he went to the airport in the middle of the night to catch a flight to somewhere in Europe he walked to the edge of the multi storey car park and contemplated jumping, this apparently wasn’t a one off!  I don’t think that he has actually formulated a plan to do it, which I believe is key, just considered it as an easy way out of his unhappiness. 

I know that he is clearly very unhappy and probably very lonely (but I know that he has bought an Amazon Echo for the flat so at least I now know he has someone to talk to ::)) but as much as I love him (when I see him he looks quite lost and I feel like giving him a hug) all we can do is leave him to his own devises and hope that he gets through this as quickly as possible – well that is what I am hoping and praying for. 

In the meantime I am GAL, tomorrow I am going to a Gin festival in a nearby sea side town (with a big tower), I was offered a ticket by a friend and what can I say, it would have been rude to refuse!

Enyo

Me 59
MLCer 57
M35 years, Together 37 years
S26 & S25
BD1 Dec 15 - you've been a wonderful wife and mother but it's not enough!
BD2 - 8/21/16 - Moved out into our rental flat locally,
Feb 17 - Unhappy, need to move and start a new life with new friends
May 17 - Moved to his parents home town 200 miles away
Emotional (has bee physical) affair with my ex married friend continuing - since around summer of 2015

Offline stayed

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #18 on: March 10, 2017, 12:18:25 PM »
Man Enyo, your h sounds SO MID LIFE CRAZY... it is amazing how many of the typical indicators I could check off and I dare say was not missed by you either.  Wow, wow, wow!  Honestly, I have to say, I am so GLAD I never had a mid life crisis.  The inner confusion must be mind blowing. 

As you said though, there is NOTHING you or anybody can do for him.  Sadly, they have to do this on their own.  AS I said before, all we can do is make the best of a bad situation and used this time as productively as we possibly can.  Working on ourselves, reassuring our children that "all will be ok" somehow.  I truly believe the worst thing we can do for our children is to over analyze these things.  I think we need to discuss it with the children but somehow try to help them understand, this is not quite as SELF INFLICTED as we might think.  I try not to get caught up in TOO MUCH SYMPATHY because I don't think that helps either.  I think the best thing we can do, is simply be as pleasant as possible, without being patronizing, kind without enabling and co-operative without being a door matt.  Not asking for much, are we?  hehehe

I believe that if we approach this as positively as we are able, it will help our children to cope and accept that sometimes, things simply cannot be explained.  To me, this is one of those things.  My children were 19 years of age up to 26 when my h finally jumped right into bat$hit crazy mode, found himself another woman and the whole works.  They were so pi$$ed... they were annoyed with me for being so "understanding" as they put it.  They felt I should have kicked his "butt" to the curb.  As time went on, they would shake their heads and look at me, like I had grown a second head.  Now, they admit, they will never understood how I managed to put this all behind us, but SOMEHOW it was working for their dad and I.  All of them admit, for their sakes and their children, they are really happy we were able to do so. 

Lol though, they still cannot understand how!!!  Quite frankly, I'm not sure either, sometimes and I will say, from 2006 until about 2009 I wasn't too sure we were going to make it.  Lot of crap to work through and well, you can NEVER completely stuff the genie back in the bottle.  :)

You are sounding very good Enyo... continue to post whatever you want... good stuff, bad stuff, venting... rationalizing... whatever you need to get off your chest.  There is always somebody here and we all truly "get it"!

Hugs Stayed

P.S.-  hope you are finding other threads that interest you.  Remember the more you put into other people's situations, the more they will put into yours.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2017, 12:20:36 PM by stayed »
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Online EnyoTopic starter

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #19 on: March 13, 2017, 02:35:31 PM »
Just journaling

Well our sons, and their girlfriends, visited Hs family on Sunday, 5 adults in a car (our sons are both 6 foot 3), for the 7 hour return journey, not very comfortable.  Initially H wanted the boys, and their girlfriends, to drive to his flat (1 mile away) were they would transfer into his car for the journey.  Think he was nervous about coming round to the house in case he saw me.  I had every intention of not being there, in fact when they left I was enjoying the sunshine walking on the beach with the dog and chatting to other dogwalkers.  When I had left to walk the dog the boys rang H and said they thought it was ridiculous them travelling to him and asked that he picked them up, which he did.  They set off at around 10am and didn’t arrive home until 9.30pm. 

When they got back H came into the house.  Recap, until 6 weeks ago I was texting him every 4 to 5 days, not expecting a reply but offering support as MIL was very ill.  When I met with him to discuss him putting our flat up for sale, which he did without first discussing it with me, he started the conversation by saying ‘Your texts are manipulative and a trick to get me to come home, just get it into your head I am not coming home, its about time you just got over it, everybody thinks so (I think by that he meant his family).  I am moving away to start a new life’.  From that time I haven’t initiated contact, in fact there hasn’t been that much contact.  After two weeks he called me to discuss S24s birthday, I was on a train so sent call to voice mail, he sounded nervous but angry and informed me he has booked a table to celebrate S24s birthday and asked was I free to go, he said he would try to contact me again.  I did nothing.  He contacted me 6 days later but I was out having dinner with friends and had phone on silent so missed his call, he left a message saying he thought I would have got back to him after the last message and was I OK for the meal.  I just text back ‘Out having dinner with phone on silent so missed your call, OK for tomorrow E’, I am normally quite chatty in texts and always in the past ended them with ‘Love E xxx’.  He called me again the next day, which I answered, and it was just agree on how much we were going to give S24 for his birthday, to inform me that he bought a birthday card from both of us (?) and to ask if it was OK to come round for pre-dinner drinks, I said it was fine.  I was friendly but cool at the meal, I didn’t ask about his work, or family.  The following weekend he text me about a query regarding our electric bill, which I replied to, just a basic ‘will look into it’ text.  This weekend he came into the house when dropping the boys off, we chatted a bit, involving the boys in our conversation so it wasn’t just him and me, he visibly relaxed after a few minutes.  When he left he gave me a hug and a kiss (on the cheek) and said ‘We ought to go out for coffee to catch up’ to which I replied ‘great, just give me a call’.  We haven’t been out for a coffee since October, so 4.5 months, and then we only went I suggested it, this is the first time he has suggested it, I have no expectations that it means anything but I think that he is obviously confused by my distance and detachment. 

Next weekend he is taking S25 to a football (soccer) match.  S25 wasn’t sure if he should go, he feels that conversation is very strained, he asked what I thought, I said go, spend some time with your dad, the more you do it the better it should get.  They used to go to watch football together all the time and even season tickets holders at one time, H is a football coach and coached S25s team.  H stopped watching football altogether over 2 years ago, said he wasn’t interested in football anymore. 

The next time I know I will see H is in two weeks at S25s girlfriends 21st birthday party, which is in two weeks.  I really don’t expect any contact before then.
Me 59
MLCer 57
M35 years, Together 37 years
S26 & S25
BD1 Dec 15 - you've been a wonderful wife and mother but it's not enough!
BD2 - 8/21/16 - Moved out into our rental flat locally,
Feb 17 - Unhappy, need to move and start a new life with new friends
May 17 - Moved to his parents home town 200 miles away
Emotional (has bee physical) affair with my ex married friend continuing - since around summer of 2015

 

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