Author Topic: My Story Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think  (Read 3748 times)

Offline stayed

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My Story Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #20 on: March 13, 2017, 05:48:10 PM »
sounding good Enyo.  Keep your h guessing.  Let him wonder wth is going on for a change.

Hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

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Online EnyoTopic starter

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #21 on: March 15, 2017, 07:14:25 AM »
Journaling, just getting thoughts down.

Thought I was feeling really strong this week but even though I am OK in the day, more than OK actually, I am not sleeping very well at all, lying awake quite a bit in the night.  At least it is just thoughts that are keeping me awake and not anxiety and tears which is how it was up until 6 weeks ago.  My ‘Rain’ sound app on my phone is really getting some use this week. 

The boys are in a bit of a mess though.  S25 has a ‘meet and greet’ today for his new job/graduate scheme which starts in September, he was traveling to his girlfriends (at university in Sheffield) last night then the 1.5 hours to the meet and greet this morning.  Unfortunately he crashed his car yesterday, the second accident he has had in two months which is somewhat worrying.  Fortunately he wasn’t injured but will have a £700 bill for repairs or lose his insurance no claims, but as he has to pay the first £500 of any repair bill he may just pay the lot and keep his no claims.  He doesn’t want to tell H simply because he knows that H will pay the bill and both sons are getting embarrassed at the way H is throwing money at them. 

I took S25 to drop his car off yesterday and he is really down, he says he doesn’t feel like anything is going right at the moment.  I pointed out (gently) that he really did have a lot to be grateful for, a great new job and opportunity, a lovely girlfriend, a wonderful mother ;) and a supportive brother, he also has a month’s travelling round Europe planned for August to look forward to.  He says he feels like the sun has gone out in his life as he was really close to H, he is extremely upset that H tries to justify what he is doing and how he is going about it, H told our sons that he knows a lot of people who have it worse than they do (not sure where he has met these people!) and they should just get over it.  S25 also says that he is having trouble concentrating which he feels is the reason for the crash yesterday and he is worried that he now won’t be able to cope with the new job, he also says he feels angry all the time, and has realised that he has started to become very nervous in new situations and when meeting new people, also not great with new job around the corner.  I have contacted my counsellor to see if she knows a good family therapist.  S24 just refuses to discuss anything to do with H doesn't even like to have his name mentioned in the house, and leaves it as long as possible before replying to Hs texts or phone calls.  I am not sure really how long things have been this bad for our sons, until recently I wasn’t in a great place and I suppose I wasn’t taking much notice whilst at the same time depending on them for emotional support, I am now feeling really guilty that I missed all this.  Lets hope I can get some help.

Hs (idiot?) counsellor is the one who has convinced him that our sons would get over this quite soom and that in the future he would probably have a better relationship with them both than he had before.  On one hand H seems to be really trying to reconnect with them but on the other it seems this only happens when he is not busy with work, he doesn’t try to make contact with them during the week so work is obviously still his #1 priority at the moment.
Me 59
MLCer 57
M35 years, Together 37 years
S26 & S25
BD1 Dec 15 - you've been a wonderful wife and mother but it's not enough!
BD2 - 8/21/16 - Moved out into our rental flat locally,
Feb 17 - Unhappy, need to move and start a new life with new friends
May 17 - Moved to his parents home town 200 miles away
Emotional (has bee physical) affair with my ex married friend continuing - since around summer of 2015

Offline stayed

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #22 on: March 15, 2017, 02:52:57 PM »
Sounds like S25 could use some counseling.  Fortunately, he appears to be quite open to discussing this.  My son's were not inclined at all, even the more extroverted of the 3, in fact the most outgoing one, finally told his dad to stop contacting him, as it was upsetting him.  This son suffers from IBS and the stress was making it even worse.  Poor kid.  My kids were 19, 22, 24, 25, 26 at the time of the full on BD... they were all totally shaken. 

There is nothing simple about this Enyo.  Please do not "beat yourself up" for missing the chaos this was causing to the entire family. I am sure your sons were completely aware that YOU needed them at that time.  They are probably finally letting it all out, whereas before they knew you needed them and I'm sure they were proud that you could lean on them.  Now they can see you are beginning to feel better and now it is beginning to hit them.

Just reciprocate sweetie.  Like you did, let them talk about it.  Hopefully S24 will open up, soon as well.  They can tell their mom is starting to get back on her feet... that will help them to get themselves pulled together.

These damn counselors... they always say stupid $hit like that.  "Kids will be fine, in fact, you will probably have a better relationship... "  blah, blah... I have heard that counselors prefer to have one on one sessions... harder to fix two people, higher success ratio when dealing with individuals rather then COUPLES.

AS for sleeping, uggh... sleeping was the worst part of all of this for me. I seemed to only be able to average about 2/3 hours a night.  I would sort of pass out from sheer exhaustion, and then wake up with a start... look around, only to realize it was ALL REAL... that my h had abandoned me... run off with some "cow" from work and was playing happy family with somebody who was divorcing her 3rd. husband just so she could be with mine... EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK... FLOP...

I remember wondering, when is "time" going to do it's THING?  I just wanted to feel normal again.. whatever that was!!!

Hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #23 on: March 15, 2017, 08:41:42 PM »

AS for sleeping, uggh... sleeping was the worst part of all of this for me. I seemed to only be able to average about 2/3 hours a night.  I would sort of pass out from sheer exhaustion, and then wake up with a start... look around, only to realize it was ALL REAL... that my h had abandoned me... run off with some "cow" from work and was playing happy family with somebody who was divorcing her 3rd. husband just so she could be with mine... EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK... FLOP...

 

Yup - same here except the "cow" in my life was divorcing her fourth husband!   :o

Sleep is still an issue for me but it's better than it was 15 months ago!  Hang in there, Enyo.
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #24 on: March 16, 2017, 03:35:20 PM »
Enyo, I found that taking 6 (turned out to be my magic number) magnesium pills before bed, let me sleep. You can start off with fewer and see how it goes. It can make you have the runs. Also, tryptophan works for me. It's the stuff that's in turkey that makes you sleepy after a meal.

Also, creating a safe place in my mind helped. Here is one website:

http://www.innerhealthstudio.com/peaceful-place.html

You can google others. Find one you like. This one is similar to the one I found 6 years ago, but I can't find it now.
trying2bok

Offline stayed

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #25 on: March 16, 2017, 05:03:55 PM »
Good advice LearningIamOk... great actually.  I wish I had known about this stuff when I had my sleepless night... man it was so awful.  The nights were so LONG!  I always felt exhausted and a little sickly... stomach was off queasy... uggh.  I can't remember the horrible intense times, thank GOD... but I can remember feeling quite nauseous, my head ach constantly and I felt like I was almost walking "beside" myself.  A very unhappy observer of myself!

With time, I discovered meditation.  I found ways of controlling my impulses, or the compulsion to over dwell on my situation.  I made deals with myself, and promises.  There is the elastic band on your wrist trick.  Every time you find yourself thinking about this, you snap the elastic... at first your wrist is scarlet.  I used to snap it and then envision a big red STOP sign.  http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/library/Tools_and_Homework/Other_Homework/stop-thought.htm

Once I was calmed down, I would then make a deal with myself.  I would promise myself an couple of hours of INTENSE wallowing/self pitying/call it whatever you wish time.  I made the mistake of not giving myself a time limit, which I quickly corrected the next time, as I would get myself so worked up during my solo PITY PARTY... that I couldn't sleep.  I also, reinstated a glassAT of wine to myself.  I HAD cut myself off all booze during the early months (6months to be exact) as I was afraid, I would climb into the bottle and never be seen or heard from again.  Alcoholism is not rampant in my family but it does exist. 

During my "pity party's" I really allowed myself to let lose.  I would cry, scream, punch the hell out of my poor pillows...make sure you are alone, you definitely would not want ANYBODY to witness this complete loss of control.  Strangely enough, we have far more control then we give ourselves credit for, as there truly was nobody around to help me, if I let myself get too far out of hand. 
 
It may be too early for you to attempt "self soothing" but, it is never too early to try.  I was desperate to feel SEMI NORMAL again... so I was pretty willing to try anything.  Others probably have technique's they used during this time. 

Hugs Stayed
Married 39yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions for Newbies
The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Online EnyoTopic starter

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #26 on: March 17, 2017, 06:06:35 AM »
Thanks Learning I am OK and Stayed, your tips are more than welcome at the moment as my anxiety level is sky high today and I can’t work out why, I really thought I had this sorted!!!!  I did actually sleep last night but I think it was because I was exhausted.  Will check out the websites later.  I do take some supplements but will check on the magnesium tablets.  I decided I had to supplement my vitamin intake as after H leave home, I virtually stopped eating; I dropped around 45lbs in around 8 weeks.  Granted most of the weight I lost was what I had put on from the medication I had to take during my illnesses, the first side effect for every medication I was given was ‘weight gain’ and I hadn’t been able shift it during my recovery so every cloud has a silver lining I suppose.  I too stopped drinking, I now allow myself the occasional glass of wine (the Gin festival was an exception, but the different gins were extremely nice ;D) but I definitely am a light weight when it comes to alcohol.  I was never really worried that that I would fall into the bottle but drunk texting was definitely a possibility at one time so thought it was best to avoid drinking altogether. 

Trying to understand what the trigger today could be here.  Could it be car issues, S25 crashed his car this week and this morning I have taken my car in for a service and its first MOT.  I know that everything to do with cars this week will be sorted, and I also know that I am more than capable of dealing with all this but H was the car person in the house and I really miss having someone I can trust to discuss things with ~ forgot H isn’t really trustworthy at the moment  ???.  S25 really wanted to ask his dads advise on the repairs, I too thought that he should talk to him about it, however S25 knew that when he spoke to H that he would just insist on paying for the repairs ~ which he did ~ on the face of it this would be OK but our sons are beginning to feel really uncomfortable with the amount of money H is throwing at them, it feels to them like they are being bought.  I personally think that H is not feeling in control of anything at the moment and this is a way for him to control something, but I maybe way off.    When the boys went to Hs family on Sunday, H left the meal table on the pretext of visiting the bathroom but he actually paid for everyone’s meal (11 people), sons said this made everyone feel very uncomfortably and like they were poor relations.

Also I could be anxious because it is weekend and if I have contact with H it is on a weekend.  I don’t know if it is worse if I actually see or speak or get a text from him or if I have no contact, I stopped initiating contact 6 or 7 weeks ago.  I feel a bit like an alcoholic craving my next drink whilst hoping I can resist it.  H and S25 are going to the football tomorrow so he may well call into the house, I need to get it together before then.

Also I am having flashbacks again.  This began around Christmas when I was really stressed and had to take time off work because I was suffering from panic attacks.  This ‘flashbacks’ are never about anything traumatic, quite the contrary, they are always about happy times and they always blindside me.  This morning, whilst sitting in a meeting discussing NHS Sustainability and Transformation Plans i.e. very boring, the flashback was a memory of when H and I visited South Africa for our silver wedding (10 years ago), whilst on safari we were woken very early one morning by monkeys on the roof of our lodge, we then sat on the veranda and watched the sun rise, magical.  It’s as if my sub conscious is saying ‘look this is another thing that you will never get to experience again’.  Back in my office now and crying like a baby and haven’t cried in weeks, good job I don’t share an office! (Stayed I think maybe that a small pity party is called for tonight -  will buy wine on the way home)

Just yesterday I was mulling over whether I actually felt the same way about H as I had even a few weeks ago and it really worried me that maybe I didn’t and that I was beginning to feel numb when I thought about him ~ but not today, the longing is as strong as ever, maybe getting this down on paper will help me detach again before I actually have to see or speak to him….. and I was doing so well.
Me 59
MLCer 57
M35 years, Together 37 years
S26 & S25
BD1 Dec 15 - you've been a wonderful wife and mother but it's not enough!
BD2 - 8/21/16 - Moved out into our rental flat locally,
Feb 17 - Unhappy, need to move and start a new life with new friends
May 17 - Moved to his parents home town 200 miles away
Emotional (has bee physical) affair with my ex married friend continuing - since around summer of 2015

Online EnyoTopic starter

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #27 on: March 17, 2017, 02:09:59 PM »
H rang tonight, one of the things he was ringing to let me know was that he has had an offer on the flat for the full asking price which he will be accepting, so he will be moving, probably the middle of May (our 35th wedding anniversary) I asked where he was going to live and he said he didn't know as he hadn't thought about it. He is picking S25 up tomorrow to go to football and said he would come early so we could have a coffee together and catch up. He also said we should go out for coffee on Sunday.

I did mention that if he had sold the flat then we should talk about a financial agreement, he sort of brushed that aside, not sure I will push it until I know what his plans are. 

The plan was always to sell the flat but not sure how I feel about him leaving the area and having no reason to visit our part of the country and nowhere to stay  if he does.  The boys are adamant that that they won't use up precious weekend time travelling to visit him. Not sure how this will pan out.
Me 59
MLCer 57
M35 years, Together 37 years
S26 & S25
BD1 Dec 15 - you've been a wonderful wife and mother but it's not enough!
BD2 - 8/21/16 - Moved out into our rental flat locally,
Feb 17 - Unhappy, need to move and start a new life with new friends
May 17 - Moved to his parents home town 200 miles away
Emotional (has bee physical) affair with my ex married friend continuing - since around summer of 2015

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #28 on: March 17, 2017, 02:48:37 PM »
Enyo, please speak to an attorney ASAP now that the flat is sold. You are entitled to half of that money. He will burn thru it quickly. DO NOT let him "steal" it from you. DO NOT be generous about it. He will not be gracious, appreciate it or reciprocate.

I am sorry about the flashbacks. When I would mourn what we had, I would remind myself that some people never get to experience what I had. I am grateful that I got to stay home with our kids. I am grateful that we got to have wonderful family vacations and cruises. I was married 33 years at the point we D'd.

It was a relief when it was over. I didn't want it, but I am happier now and I wouldn't want it any other way. I still have a lot to be grateful for.
trying2bok

Online EnyoTopic starter

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #29 on: March 18, 2017, 06:14:59 AM »
Thanks Learning, Yes your are right, we did have a great life together and I am thankful for the memories.  Must remember that I don't need more to be thankful for I just need to be more thankful.  I have been thinking about it though and this MLC it doesn't actually mean that I will never experience these things again, it may just be with different company.

So H has just called round to collect S25 to go to football.  After his phone call yesterday during which he said ‘I’ll call round early and we can have a coffee and catch up, oh and we have a buyer for the flat’ to which I replied ‘Well then we do need to talk, we now need to sort out a financial agreement’. Well…..

H phoned S25 when he was on his way to ask if he was ready to leave as H said he was running late, H is never late, punctuality is his middle name (I used to joke saying that being early was all well and good but made for a very lonely life!) so running late - I don't think so.  S25 wasn’t ready so H came into the house and stood in the hallway, (S25s girlfriend said he looked nervous and shifty!) I called Hi from the office where I was working, he popped his head in and said ‘I didn’t know you would be here’ to which I replied ‘why, I do live here’.  He said ‘we’re running late so we need to get off’ S25 stood behind him mouthing ‘No we’re not late we have plenty of time!’, he didn’t mention meeting up at all so I said ‘So the flats sold?, we need to get a move on with our financial agreement’ to which he replied ‘Oh nothing is going to happen anytime soon we can leave it for the time being, we have plenty of time’, Ah’, I said ‘I really want to get it right so I need some information from you that may take some time to get hold of like your pension statements’ H looked at me quizzically and said ‘oh, OK’ then dashed off.  Never had him down as a coward!  He really did not want to talk about this, is this because that it seems sort of like a final 'thing'?  Its funny that he has been very happy to blindside me (3 times now since he left) by ringing and saying ‘Can we meet, I need a word?’ then when we have met on all three occasions he has jumped right in to tell me that he is never coming home and that I should just get over it.  If that is really how he feels then why the worry about a financial agreement, surely it is giving him more distance which is what he says he wants.

The reason I may have thrown him into a loop with the request for pension statements is that when he put the flat on the market two months ago, without discussing it with me, I was really ticked off as it is a joint asset, his excuse for not discussing it with me was ‘I thought you could have the family house and everything in it and keep your pension, and I could keep my pensions and the equity in the flat’ which actually is not that much, probably equivalent to 4 months of Hs net salary.  This all looks good on paper but I can’t be expected to make an informed decision unless I know all the facts this is the reason I would like to see his pension statements.

At the moment H keeps saying money means nothing to him, and to reinforce this he keeps throwing it at our sons, he is also paying all the bills on our (my) house as well as giving me some additional money for food and incidentals, I haven't asked for this he just transfers the money.  I have decided not to argue with him about it, I am squirrelling the surplus away for a rainy day!  Incidentally I have quite a decent salary so having read some of the threads on here I really do know how lucky I am.

Had another sleepless night last night whilst I mulled over how the conversation this morning would go, what a waste of good thinking time that was, I wish I could turn my thoughts off sometimes.

I find the OW thing playing on my mind a lot.  I know that most of MLCers have an OP but there is actually no evidence, and never has been, that there is an OW apart from the fantasy affair with the training partner.  Surely (stop keep calling me Shirley! now that dates me) after nearly 18 months he would have slipped up, and what would be the point in not telling at this stage?  I would have also thought that he would be throwing his money around for the OW and that doesn’t seem to he happening.  I suppose that if there is really no PA, with the internet and mobiles etc there is every possibility that there could be an EA.  Up until now I would have just said that Work (he works up to 100 hrs per week) and Exercise (he is training for a marathon and a triathlon) where his OW but not knowing for sure keeps the anxiety building, its feel just like when you are waiting for an illness to be diagnosed, it doesn’t matter what the diagnosis is you know that when you find out one way or another you will just deal with it but not knowing screws with your head.   I suppose that now the flat is sold and he will be moving somewhere to ‘Start a new life’, more will be revealed!

If I am honest with myself I was hoping that it would be quite some time (months maybe years) before the flat sold and in the meantime he would be travelling through the tunnel and that there would always be the possibility that he would be looking for a way home when that time came.  It really is too soon for that to be a possible now.

Enyo x 

Me 59
MLCer 57
M35 years, Together 37 years
S26 & S25
BD1 Dec 15 - you've been a wonderful wife and mother but it's not enough!
BD2 - 8/21/16 - Moved out into our rental flat locally,
Feb 17 - Unhappy, need to move and start a new life with new friends
May 17 - Moved to his parents home town 200 miles away
Emotional (has bee physical) affair with my ex married friend continuing - since around summer of 2015

 

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