Author Topic: My Story Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think  (Read 3747 times)

Online EnyoTopic starter

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My Story Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #80 on: March 02, 2018, 04:18:25 PM »
[justify]Part four [/justify]
[justify]S24 turned into S25 last weekend.  At the funeral H mentioned to him that he was planning on coming up to take him out to dinner.  Since H left he likes to celebrate the boys birthday as a family, none of us (me and the boys) enjoy this happy family facade, but do it to keep the peace.  Well I had heard nothing from H and the boys had both had very little contact. since the funeral 4 weeks before.  S26 normally has one duty phone a week from H and S25 just lets calls go to voicemail and text go unanswered. [/justify]
[justify]Both boys are having a bad time in their relationships, S26 has been with his girlfriend for 5 or 6 years but she is now saying that he doesn’t show emotion or shows he loves her, she has told him it is over, so he doesn’t contact her, she then panics and contacts him (pursuer and distancer?) but he says he feel numb.  He has however had the occasional bout of anger (very very unlike him and scary to see) and he asked that I find him a therapist – which I have and I think this is helping.  S25 found out that his girlfriend of 4+ years has been cheating on him, he keeps letting her back in (no judgement here) and then he finds out more of what she has been hiding, he is very down about this and says he can’t deal with H’s Cr@p.  H sent him a woo is me text saying why won’t you answer my text. [/justify]
[justify]Anyway neither I nor S26 had heard from H, S25 thought that H was coming up last Saturday but didn’t know what the plan was.  I spent the week getting more and more anxious and more and more angry, not a good mix.  I text H just to say that if he was planning to visit S25 over the weekend could he bring the large drill with him as I needed it for a job.  H replied that he was planning to come up on Saturday and had booked a table for us all at 7pm on Saturday.  I replied that I had plans on Saturday but hoped to be home in time to walk the dog in day light, that I didn’t know what the boys plans were but that he had a key and if noone was in to just make himself at home.  Well…….  On Friday I started with Norovirus which lasted into Saturday so I couldn’t leave the house on Saturday.  S26 was particularly stressed as (ex) girlfriend was leading him a merry dance and S25 found out on Friday evening that yet again his girlfriend had been lying to him about contact with OM.  So the stage was set!!!![/justify]
[justify]H arrived around 2.30pm, S26 had travelled to the other side of the country at (ex) girlfriends behest and S25 was sleeping having been awake all night after revelations about girlfriend and OM (we all know how that feels).  When H arrived the whole vibe in the house shifted, I knew instantly that he was spoiling for a fight and with my increased anxiety and emerging anger unfortunately he got one!  I am not sure how it started but very soon after H arrived he made a (very unjust) comment about my parents, who have loved him like a son for 35 years and I saw red.  H then pointed out how bitter and twisted I was and the fact I hadn’t moved on in 18 months!!!!, seriously untrue – he monstered and I really hadn’t seen monster for nearly 2 years.  H ended by saying I think I’ll just leave, nobody wants me here – he had only been in the house 20 minutes and it had taken him 4 hours to drive here.  I can’t remember what I said – probably something angry – he followed it with:[/justify]
[justify]‘I wasn’t going to mention this today but I want a divorce.  Why should I pay you any money so you can swan off to Bali.  I have spoken to a Lawyer and he thinks its ridiculous that you can afford to go to Bali on my money.  I do not have to give you anything my Lawyer says as long as you have enough money to survive, that’s all you need’[/justify]
[justify]12 months ago we came to a financial agreement.  We added both my salary and H’s salary, made allowances to each of us for all our bills in each home (it costs us more for H’s small flat where he lives two days a week than my family home).  We then split the remaining income and had 50% each.  He has as much disposable income as I do only I help our sons out financially when they need it. (Paying for therapy sessions etc)[/justify]
[justify]At this I left to walk my dog for an hour and fully expected him to have left when I returned but no.[/justify]
[justify]We then spoke again, this time more calmly.  I think H had just reached a time where the lies and deceit are killing him. Up until this point – and even earlier on Saturday afternoon – H blamed me wholly for all our problems, too controlling, too needed, bitter, angry – you get the picture.  Then suddenly he unloaded. [/justify]
[justify]Yes he had been having an affair with OW, my ex friend, yes the text of text gate was intended for her and now her husband had found out and her life was currently a mess of marital strife (my heart bleeds).  H said that when he put our flat, in our home town, up for sale (Jan 17), it was because he was ‘getting too close to her’ and he had to get away.  I asked if it was an EA or a PA, he just said looked at me and said ‘What do you think’.  I then said ‘So she has been down to see you’ and he said ‘No never’.  So if this was, at one time a PA, then that was happening between Sept 16 and Dec 16 when I was fighting like a lioness for my marriage (before I knew about MLC), Oh how they must have laughed. [/justify]
[justify]H then went on to say (and strangely this bit I believe), ‘She did all the perusing, but yes I enjoyed the attention’  He claims that he has ended it, and it had been over for a while (not sure how long) but that she continues to call and text him but he doesn’t answer.  I supose all it will take is for him to have one bad day and bang, its back on, though I thing laterly it was just a EA. [/justify]

[justify]I then had a mini meltdown, not about the affair but I told H honestly what he had done to me, how much he had hurt me, and what the trauma had cost me.  Well surprise surprise H apologised, said he was so so sorry for all the hurt he had caused me and our sons, and he would never forgive himself for what he had done.  That none of it was my fault.[/justify]
Me 59
MLCer 57
M35 years, Together 37 years
S26 & S25
BD1 Dec 15 - you've been a wonderful wife and mother but it's not enough!
BD2 - 8/21/16 - Moved out into our rental flat locally,
Feb 17 - Unhappy, need to move and start a new life with new friends
May 17 - Moved to his parents home town 200 miles away
Emotional (has bee physical) affair with my ex married friend continuing - since around summer of 2015

Online EnyoTopic starter

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #81 on: March 02, 2018, 04:26:19 PM »
[justify]Part five – The email from H [/justify]
[justify]He text me when he got back to his flat and I emailed be a short reply the day after, below is the reply I got to that email.  I haven’t sent any reply to this, I am not sure where to start, or really what to think - If in doubt do nothing and I think it is better to let him work things out again on his own. [/justify]
[justify]Hi Enyo [/justify]
[justify]Thank you so much for the note below, it must have been difficult to put together under the circumstances and you should be very proud for having written such a balanced, magnanimous and thoughtful reply, very few people could have, or would have done so.  In answer to your question, yes, it was the most difficult thing in the world to have to finally admit, but I’m sure it was twice as hard to have to listen to and for that and everything, I am truly sorry, your genuinely don’t deserve it…. [/justify]
[justify]Yet again you’re correct in that living with all of this (lies and deceit) for so long and not being brave enough, or man enough to tell you and the boys has slowly pulled me apart, but that’s my problem to deal with now and no-one else’s, and it’s something I’m going to have to live with for the rest of my life and truly, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy…. [/justify]
[justify]You say that there is probably more to tell and hear, but truthfully, there isn’t.  However you should know that OW husband knows about everything as well, which is why I guess he has been so horrible to you.  I don’t blame him for his anger but wish he would have vented his anger at me and not you.  None of this is your fault and you shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of my actions in your own town.  I only mention this so that you can walk through that town with your head held up high…. [/justify]
[justify]The reason I have asked to proceed with the divorce, isn’t for the reason you think it is.  I am not planning on moving in with anyone, but simply want to buy a place that’s big enough for me to hopefully, some time in the future, invite the boys to come and stay if they ever find it possible to forgive me enough to do so.  We both need financial security to move forwards and this is the only way to achieve it…[/justify]
[justify]I truly, truly wish you all the best and hope beyond anything and I mean this, that you find someone who will treat you better than I have.  Please don’t tar all men with the same brush there are a lot of very kind men in this world who, as you put it, are able to find happiness and joy in what they have and are not always seeking something else to gain fulfilment.  I guess I am not one of those people and that is, for sure, not a good thing or anything to be proud of. You said yesterday ‘Can you just look me in the eyes’ the truth is, I find it very hard to even look in the mirror right now, as I don’t like what I see looking back at me!!! [/justify]
[justify]Your thoughts on what I should do right now, are simply too kind.  But yes, I am seriously thinking of taking sometime off.  Problem is that in my line of work, sabbaticals are not an option, so I might have to reconsider my future plans completely, but right now, I’m seriously considering it, because as you said, life is getting shorter all the time. [/justify]
[justify]Anyhow, I’m sorry for the late reply, but this has taken all day to write and I’m still not sure if it’s good enough, so I will close by saying again, how truly sorry I am and that’s the truth.  I am simply not worthy of your graciousness and most certainly not worthy of my children and I will not ask them to forgive me.  I will just pray that in time things will heal enough for them to accept me as someone who loves them more than life itself and let me back into their lives.[/justify]
[justify]I want to close in the same way as you did, by saying ‘your friend’.  Simple truth is, I don’t deserve to be, but hope we can be eventually?[/justify]
[justify]Enjoy Bali, if anyone deserves it, you do and I hope you have the most wonderful time.[/justify]
[justify]Take care and remember that I am here if you need anything[/justify]
[justify]All the best[/justify]
[justify]H [/justify]


[justify]Any thought?[/justify]


[justify]Enyo xxx[/justify]

[justify] [/justify]
Me 59
MLCer 57
M35 years, Together 37 years
S26 & S25
BD1 Dec 15 - you've been a wonderful wife and mother but it's not enough!
BD2 - 8/21/16 - Moved out into our rental flat locally,
Feb 17 - Unhappy, need to move and start a new life with new friends
May 17 - Moved to his parents home town 200 miles away
Emotional (has bee physical) affair with my ex married friend continuing - since around summer of 2015

Online EnyoTopic starter

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #82 on: March 03, 2018, 04:50:09 AM »
So my thoughts on divorce  :-[

I am not 100% convinced that H has actually seen a solicitor about a divorce.  The way he stated (when he monstering on Saturday) what I would be entitled to finance wise followed by 'Why should I have to pay for your trips to Bali', makes me think that he is extremely unhappy that I am actually moving forward with my life without and and that he has been complaining to his new friend (who I have never met) who lives in the same building as H.  This man and his wife moved in the same week as H and within 8 weeks he and his wife had had a bust up (literally, they both ended up in police cells for the night - classy ::)), and then the wife walked out.  They are now getting divorced.  This is a second marriage for both of them and they have been married for less than 4 years!  So as I said it feels like H has been getting barrack room lawyer advise from this man, rather than an actual solicitor.  However just in case I am wrong I have an appointment with a solicitor next week - more about this later.

When H brought up the subject of divorce (he can't move on it for another 6 months and I really don't think he will go for unreasonable behaviour as this argument wouldn't hold water - see email above), I just said well this would be your divorce and whilst I would not argue with you about it I would not help you achieve it either. 

At the moment we both have a good standard of living, money wise, but getting divorced would mean that I would have to sell the family home.  I fully intend to do this when I retire in 2 or 3 years as I want to settle in a rural area close to my family, about 40 miles away.  Selling the house now would mean that I would either have to move twice in the next few years with all the resultant cost or move once and commute back to work until I retire, which would add around 2 hours onto my working day.  Also I have one of the boys living with me, he also works for me and has recently reduced his working hours to 30 per week and started studying part time for a second degree so me moving and commuting to my work is not an option as he could not afford the commute or the time (the additional 2 hours per day), so it really is not good timing for me.  Also moving house and getting a divorce are two of the most stressful things that you can do and having only just got my feet back under me after BD I really would like some time to just breath before the next onslaught.  I was going to email H and ask for a two year pause before proceeding, but have decided not to ever mention the divorce again until he brings it up and at that stage I will state my case.

For me divorce is not just a financial settlement, sign on the line thing but a deconstruction of a live together, and unless we are both on stable ground emotionally, which means that we both have done the work, it won't end well.

I actually don't think H is in a good position (mentally or emotionally) to start proceedings, stressful job, marriage breakdown, affair breakdown(?), death of mother, and I suspect (even though I have never done it) that divorce would take energy that I don't think he has as the moment.  His email showed that he didn't know what direction he wants his life to take at the moment so the reason of wanting to settle down doesn't hold true.

My solicitor  ???, well having never been around divorce or really known anyone who has gone through it I was unsure who to get advise from.  A colleague had a friend who had just divorced and and used a 'sh1t hot solicitor' who was really good, this solicitor is based in my town.  So I rang and made an appointment  and the sh1t hot solicitor answered her own phone as her assistant was out and OMG I know her.  She is a friend of OW and when I gave my name she said, 'I know you, you are a good friend of OW.
What - you're getting divorced, why'  I explained that I did not want a divorce but might be pushed into it so I wanted to be prepared and no I was no longer a friend of the OW as she was the reason I maybe getting divorced.

Solicitor assured them that she could definitely represent me and would do a good job for me (she has a fearsome reputation). She said that she has her business and livelihood to protect and confidentiality was something she would never break (the OW would never know that she was representing me let alone any of the details).  She also said that all her work comes in by recommendation and she would never jeopardise that.

Well we had a bit of a talk, she said she can't understand why we would divorce, that it didn't seem that long ago that we were all a function together and that H and I would a lovely couple  :-\.  She went on to tell me that OW had spoken to her recently, and that she is having trouble in her marriage (sad  ;)), she said that OW had told her that she really loved her husband (by the way OW's husband and my H both have the same name) but that he had been cheating on her and she was deciding what to do next, she is considering within the next two years moving back to Australia (where she spent her teenage years - sorry Australia!) so that her youngest son could go to university there.   Maybe her relationship with my H was a tit or tat thing, maybe my H is supporting her in her bad times - he does have a KISA syndrome and had obviously found his damsel in distress.  So it seems out of us two couples I turned out to be the collateral damage!

About 3 weeks ago, one Saturday morning, I met friends for coffee in town.  My friends got there before me and were already sat at a table when I arrived.  Unfortunately on the next table was OW and her husband.  I completely ignored them and within minutes they both paid and (the only way I can describe what they did was ) 'scuttled' out like to little cockroaches.  My friends hadn't recognised them and in fact if I hadn't known them so well I may have missed them, OW looked at least 10 years older than her age and her husband looked really warn down (no sympathy here though), add to this my H who admits to being 'deeply depressed' since he moved away, I think that out of the 4 of us and me being the only one who didn't have a choice of what has been going on, who was forced to do the work on myself and move forward with my life, is the only one who seems to have found a way through this. 

Enyo xxx

 
Me 59
MLCer 57
M35 years, Together 37 years
S26 & S25
BD1 Dec 15 - you've been a wonderful wife and mother but it's not enough!
BD2 - 8/21/16 - Moved out into our rental flat locally,
Feb 17 - Unhappy, need to move and start a new life with new friends
May 17 - Moved to his parents home town 200 miles away
Emotional (has bee physical) affair with my ex married friend continuing - since around summer of 2015

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #83 on: March 03, 2018, 05:06:03 AM »
Enyo,

You are sounding good and obviously have your head screwed on in the right way ;D

Like you, I have had a very long marriage and BD  (and subsequent divorce) was a real shock to me and all who knew us :(

I just wanted to say that what your h. wrote echoes very similarly to what my h. said. He also said it was him and that I needed to move on and find someone better than him. In our case, he has continued on with ow, he lived with her and her children for over four years, he now lives alone in a small apartment loaned to him by a close friend of my SIL. I don't know how long that can go on ??? He is still in a relationship with ow and seems to think that I am the difficult one as I refuse to share family occasions with her. Maybe I am just old fashioned...

He seems to be following the script closely, so I would just carry on as you have, making decisions when you have to - if not, just let things flow. My h. took over four years to be able to divorce me, threatened a whole lot of things that I can't even remember now, that never came to pass. I don't like being divorced but it is what it is and I find that life goes on and God has taken good care of me and my three children!

M 56
H 56
S 26
S 24
D 23
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline dogwalker

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #84 on: March 06, 2018, 06:18:19 AM »
Hi Enyo. Just catching up and you are sounding sooooooo good.And Its clear you have been working on yourself and thinking things thro. Its funny how deatchments things get cleared and and time goes by(Yes time is now my friend and I quite enjoy time on my own) we begin to heal, plan and move forward. slowly at first It maybe not what we thought or really ever wanted  but its the cards we have been given and we make the best of it all. I am so pleased to read and hear how well your doing. DW

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Just jumping on this rollercoaster! Long journey ahead I think
« Reply #85 on: March 13, 2018, 07:09:07 PM »
Hi Enjo, you sound so good on paper, I bet the emotional roller coaster is not easy though.

A word of warning about your solicitor - my first one ended up being a guy m y H went to school with and H said it was a conflict of interest to have him represent me, so after paying a sizable sum to get 1st solicitor to do the groundwork, I had to change lawyers.  It's a long shot in your case but just warning that if things get nasty and they often do, that your H might complain about your lawyer.  If the OW is still around she will find out who your lawyer is as they send copious amounts of paperwork, she'd be blind not to see some of it.

It's good to have the financials sorted rather than proceeding to divorce.  I would a have preferred to take this road but H had other ideas ::)  He had to get rid of me to be happy :o
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

 

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