Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Learning to walk the walk  (Read 8488 times)

Offline lawprofessor

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Learning to walk the walk
« Reply #10 on: February 24, 2017, 09:04:33 AM »
As well, following along.  And standing beside you in spirit.  Your portrait is coming along nicely BTW. 

Lp
if people won’t listen to you, there’s no point in talking to people. If they won’t listen, you’re just banging your head against a wall.

Sadly Ive used up all the time I had allotted to spend banging my head on the wall

Offline osbTopic starter

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Re: Learning to walk the walk
« Reply #11 on: February 24, 2017, 03:25:44 PM »
Bless you all, you're sweethearts.

In a roundabout way I am saying that forgiveness is a response... forgiveness releases us.
As a Christian, I believe that what you sow, you reap - I understand you have a different, yet similar view of this.

Yes I think we share this view - and fwiw I do take Hinduism quite metaphorically, not concretely. Though for the next little while I might step carefully over the silverfish...  ;)

After all, how does one deal with the declining health of a "loved" one who has been so brutal to you personally?
You don't need to subject yourself ever to abuse.
Forgiving them doesn't mean you need to interact with them but will free you from spending energy on their lack of tolerance and understanding.

This is the crux, isn't it? I don't really know how forgiveness happens, until after it does; no force of mine seems to bring it on. I forgave my H, and thought that was enough. I forgave my sister for still wishing to bludgeon my H; and thought that was enough. My H has (mostly) redeemed himself; his parents have emphatically not. I felt fine when I could simple walk away from them, avoid them, and count myself free. It feels entirely unfair of the world to ask me now to forgive my FIL  >:(   

But isn't that the way of it? So many lbs's on this site come daily face to face with a partner whom they'd rather not cross the road to pour water on if they were on fire; but because shared children, they manage with grace. H's ornery aging parents are a reality, however much I may wish to wash my hands immediately after I set eyes on them. So I need also to find (a modicum of) grace. No fixing, no martyring; not necessarily even forgiving. Just a little grace that I can live with. And yes, forgiveness for myself for being imperfect, human, and unwilling to bend lest I break.

Take the plant skeletons outside to what will become a flower or bush in a few months, and spread the remains in the dirt, allowing them to nourish future beauty. It's a meditation in itself when we allow something to die so something new can be reborn.

This. So much this. I'll have to wait a few months yet for that wise ritual, we're still under a foot of snow up here  ;D  But in my garden, during the worst of it when my H was trying to throw me out of our house, I planted peonies - they call 'em 100-year flowers, because they hate being transplanted but will live forever in their soil once rooted. I thought, even if H manages to get rid of me, he'll still have my peonies and won't know why I'm smiling 8) . Come spring, I'll quietly bury these MIL plant bits under those peonies. Let some good come of all of it. Rebirth is inevitable, isn't it?
"You have a right to action, not to the fruit thereof; shoot your arrow, but do not look to see where it lands."  -Bhagavad Gita

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Learning to walk the walk
« Reply #12 on: February 24, 2017, 07:25:32 PM »
Forgiving means different things to different people. If a person defines it as "To cease to feel resentment" then they choose whether they still want to feel resentment. Choosing to feel resentment could be harmful to yourself. But if a person defines it as "Granting a pardon", then no harm to yourself should you choose to never forgive.

To me, I could let go of the resentment, yet never feel obliged to pardon the person. And I might take care of that person anyway, not due to compassion, but because it's the right thing to do. I feel like that would grant me higher than silverfish status on my next go round. Maybe amphibian level.

We do what we need to do, when we need to do it, in our own time. It can't be rushed.

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Anjae

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Re: Learning to walk the walk
« Reply #13 on: February 24, 2017, 08:37:02 PM »
Another following along, osb.

Forgiveness is not easy. It comes in waves and it takes time.

I am sory to hear how badly your in-laws treated you.

Hugs,

A

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline osbTopic starter

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Re: Learning to walk the walk
« Reply #14 on: March 01, 2017, 03:07:18 PM »
Flew out to the mountains to spend a couple of days with H. We went skiing (ok, he skied, I fell downhill in some slightly controlled but inelegant manner). Went out for dinner. Talked. H is slowly facing up to his parents' looming mortality, but still gets tense thinking that he may have to change his mountain climbing plans because of it. There's a stubborn streak of "I can have it all" magical thinking involved (I acquit H of selfishness only because he will change his plans, just gets all privately agitated that he must). But then life, in case anyone had failed to notify my H of this, is unfair.

Then early this morning, H told me, "You know what makes me happiest? Lying here in the dark, listening to you breathing. I just listen to you breathe. Then I know you're still here. I don't sleep well when you're not here, you make me calm."

So many ways we could have not reached this moment.

Now we're driving home together. Back to the realities of work, deadlines, chemo and mortality, yes. Still some growing up to do; still some cobwebs of self-centeredness to break through. And I can't really be H's talisman of calm, any more than he can be my rock of strength. But still, some gratitude for the light we've found so far.
"You have a right to action, not to the fruit thereof; shoot your arrow, but do not look to see where it lands."  -Bhagavad Gita

Offline riverbirch

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Re: Learning to walk the walk
« Reply #15 on: March 01, 2017, 05:53:58 PM »
How does he expect to hear you breathing if he's not there? Is he planning on staying home?
Me 52
H (whatever he is) 53
D for financial reasons March 2012
Started seeing massive change over the summer 2012
Left end of October 2012
Started coming home thanksgiving 2013
Home now. March 2014
Believe ow is gone
Probably going through this for years
OW discovered Oct.23,2013,old GF from before we met at the age of 16!
Left again Oct. 20 2015
Came back two weeks later
Still here 01/17 not done yet
Home 2019,rebuilding

Offline osbTopic starter

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Re: Learning to walk the walk
« Reply #16 on: March 01, 2017, 06:29:41 PM »
Riverbirch, your guess is as good as mine! ;D  How loud can I breathe??

But apparently he's planning to stay home from now on. At least until his mom's out of danger, and after his certification for work is completed, and he's taken care of things around the house, and.... Well, let's see. 
« Last Edit: March 01, 2017, 06:32:38 PM by osb »
"You have a right to action, not to the fruit thereof; shoot your arrow, but do not look to see where it lands."  -Bhagavad Gita

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Learning to walk the walk
« Reply #17 on: March 02, 2017, 12:55:25 PM »
Just picture Dory..."Just keep Breathing..." ;)

I had some very hurtful and dreadful days with my in laws when we married. So bad that we didn't speak for years...Things that were said by MIL were unforgivable (at the time).  Over the years as our kids came they saw what they were missing and made efforts to try and fix things.  Eventually my MIL and I had a very difficult but necessary talk and buried the hatchet somewhere other than my scalp.  It took years...but we healed and got along well when she passed. 

I'm not sure you will have that kind of time to heal those wounds...but just remember that you only carry that baggage as long as you want.  You cannot change him...his attitude or his outlook. He is who he is.  What you do with him and how you treat him is up to you.  I have often said that being the LBS is testament to constantly being the bigger person...to forgiving the unforgivable...and learning to be strong, constant and above all...Patient.  You clearly posses the hard earned skills to handle this.

You got this.

BB 
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline osbTopic starter

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Re: Learning to walk the walk
« Reply #18 on: March 10, 2017, 02:00:40 PM »
Just journaling, cuz a conversation on another thread made me all thinky, but I don't want to derail that thread so I'll think aloud here.

Life at home is quiet. I believe MIL is ok, though I have no contact; H came home and then disappeared again for a week, think he'll be back tomorrow. I am not holding my breath (or breathing loudly ;D ). He can get his act together whenever he's ready.

The thread on 'demonic possession' brought up MLC as a manifestation of evil, of a malevolent force at play in the universe balanced against the good. That's a very Judeo-Christian concept of course, and I can see that as a valid explanation for the unexplainable. But the world view in which I was brought up, there is no such thing as the devil (god yes, anthropomorphized or not, interventionist or not, varies; devil no). It's I suppose a non-binary, relativist viewpoint. All living beings start out intrinsically good. What harm we cause, and what evil we manifest, all arises out of our own individual souls. No means to exteriorize it, to chalk it up to the devil's temptation and absolve oneself by appealing to god. No, you did that, so you own that; nobody influenced you, the idea came out of your own head. And it's an unwashable blot on your soul, until you make restitution by good acts. Can be a harsh shore to shipwreck your psyche on.

That does leave me lost and scratching my head. I can't view my H's inexplicable MLC actions as anything other than volitional. And I can't explain it. He can't explain it. I can't keep asking him WHY? From H's perspective, there is no why available. Why would a person suddenly behave in a way that contravenes his morals, his values, his personal sense of honour, and then a couple of years later decide to give all that up and come home? Yes yes I subscribe to the theory that MLC is a disorder of neurological function; but as they say flippantly in the emergency room, "if all these folks are running around hearing voices, why can't they hear a voice telling them to be quiet and get a job??"  Why couldn't H's mental dysfunction have taken the form of obsessive model ship building, say, or a tic in his right eye? Why did it have to deliberately harm me?

I can pacify myself by saying maybe there was something I (and H?) needed to learn in this life, that required going through this experience. But the explanation for evil (or at least bad behavior, if I won't dignify it with the term evil) is still waiting for an answer. And I think somewhere in there is the key to a return of trust.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2017, 02:03:15 PM by osb »
"You have a right to action, not to the fruit thereof; shoot your arrow, but do not look to see where it lands."  -Bhagavad Gita

Offline Anjae

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Re: Learning to walk the walk
« Reply #19 on: March 10, 2017, 03:32:06 PM »
Catching up, osb.

Good to know your husband plans to be home and around for his mother.

Is there a good and an evil force? Maybe be, maybe not. But I don't think the evil, or less good one, has anything to do with possession or demons. For me, the less good force comes from some imbalance or a birth genetic/neuroligic/biologic problem. Problem for which, for now, medicine and science have no solution.

Think paedophiles or psychopaths, whose "evil" seems to come from a brain misswiring. I think those people were born like that. No one wants to be born a paedophile or psychopath do they?

And one cannot say that there is anything good in being one of those two things, can one? So, why does nature allow for people to be born that way? What process, during pregnancy and/or phœtus formation lead to those things? I don't know, but it must be something, that, hopefully, one day science will be able to master and to use to help those people.

... but as they say flippantly in the emergency room, "if all these folks are running around hearing voices, why can't they hear a voice telling them to be quiet and get a job??"

Because the voices are on a different frequency, from a different world and in a different tone than the one saying "be quiet and get a job"?

The neurological changes caused the bad behaviour. Right?  :) That is the explanation. Just like with post-partum depression or peri-menopause. How many women become totally different beings when going through one of those things? And many come back to normal once those troubled periods are over.

I see MLC as similar to post-partum depression and peri-menopause. Hormones and every other chemical wreaking havoc, causing deep personality change, and leading to a million strange things that can disrupt the best of marriages/relationships.

I know, I know, I am trying to use logic and make sense of something that has none.  ::) ::) ::)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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