Author Topic: Discussion Forgiving EA/PA  (Read 1765 times)

Offline UnbrokenLionessTopic starterTopic starter

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Discussion Forgiving EA/PA
« on: March 09, 2017, 06:29:55 AM »
How long did it take for you to forgive your mlcer for their EA/PA? What did it take to get you there and were others pressuring you to forgive?
M 38
MLC H 42
Together 7 1/2 yrs
Married  6 yrs
Children:
 S 16 (dd) (Different father)
D8
S7

BD 1: January 2017 (D brought up)
 BD 2: Mid January (ILYBINILWY speech)
BD 3: March 2017 (OW confirmed- EA)/ Moved out
BD 4: July 2017 (Sexual relations with family member)
BD 5: August 2017 (Leaving country to meet OW

June 2018-Rebuilding our marriage one step at a time

November 2018-
BD 6- H "considering us not being together anymore"
BD 7- OW #2 confirmed by H family member
Living together but separated

December 2018
BD 8-H brings OW #2 to home

Done and indifferent

Offline gman242

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Re: Forgiving EA/PA
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2017, 06:39:20 AM »
It took me no time at all, in fact it wasn't an issue. I never once was upset.

That's because both W and I have the same abusive backgrounds, the same escape and avoid tactics.. I understand her and I know her and what she's capable of (her progress into the future) and I know what I did and why too. We have a strong relationship too, so that helps.

Offline whatthe????

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Re: Forgiving EA/PA
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2017, 06:42:12 AM »
Gman,
I get what you're saying about the backgrounds but I'm almost convinced you're a saint!

Offline heroIam

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Re: Forgiving EA/PA
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2017, 07:02:40 AM »
I can say that I have forgiven myself.
As for forgiving my H, I'm not sure I'm totally there yet.  I still have some anger about it.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Forgiving EA/PA
« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2017, 10:52:14 AM »
Complicated question for sure. I have been told forgiveness is a decision. I totally disagree with that statement . I believe I have been able to forgive myself, rather recently actually. It has given me acceptance of myself and understanding . I have not forgiven my husband .. but neither do I feel the overwhelming rage anymore . And rarely do I feel anger . I suspect I feel sadness at times and I guess moving thru the stages . There are family members that I will not forgive ( or even work on forgiving them) as I have just washed them away and never intend to have any future relationships with them. They do not sit on any priority list of mine. I belive I have forgiven my mother for the part she played and her inability to be a good loving mother . I feel no reactivity about or around my mother . So that is a good thing to be free of. I am 3 years since he came home , and he still has not be forgiven , I do consciously "work" on that and try to find the barriers. It is ok for now .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Forgiving EA/PA
« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2017, 11:39:22 AM »
It took a long time for me to say the words "I forgive you"...but it was more of a mantra I was trying to talk myself into than reality.  When did I "Feel" forgiveness...when could I really let all of all the pain and hurt...that came when my wife began to show true remorse and all of the effects of what she did.  As I watched reality slowly crush her I saw the reality for her as well.  This wasn't fun...this wasn't an adventure...this wasn't about dressing young, a sports car or an affair...this was a mind [email protected]#& of the highest possible degree. 

I think that calmed some of my ego driven resentment...because it was then that I really realized that this had nothing to do with me...that the affair was never real and either were the feelings she professed.  As a matter of fact they were the exact opposite.  The more she revealed the more my bad memories, triggers and flashbacks disappeared. So for me when I saw her suffering was real...it validated the suffering that I had done as well...and it balanced some of the books in my mind and that made letting it go so much easier.

But the real key was my own growth...when I got stronger, more independent and more clear with my mirror work...the easier letting go became.  You get more comfortable with your place and your role in where you are and start to find some peace that you never had.  Again..that makes forgiveness and letting go so much easier.

Forgiveness is for ourselves not for them, at some point we all need to forgive.  The act of letting the baggage go is like dropping a physical and mental weight from your day to day life.  And once you do it...you wonder what took you so long...

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline Velika

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Re: Forgiving EA/PA
« Reply #6 on: March 09, 2017, 12:25:17 PM »
I think the extreme emotional abuse and damage to family is harder to forgive than the affair.

For me, an affair is honestly understandable lapse anyone can make. BUT -- continuing when you see it is hurting your family, and to in adidtion make terrible financial decisions and lobby emotional abuse at the spouse -- that is incredible.

I think most people on this forum are incredibly compassionate, and implicitly empathetic by wanting to understand what is going on with their spouse. I think depending on how MLC progresses and the long-term consequences will affect the LBS feelings over time.

Offline Kintsugi

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Re: Forgiving EA/PA
« Reply #7 on: March 09, 2017, 02:07:11 PM »
How long did it take for you to forgive your mlcer for their EA/PA? What did it take to get you there and were others pressuring you to forgive?
I am not even sure.  My BD for the EA was last February.  It has been a journey.  Have I forgiven him?  We are still together.  He works on things which shows me that he is sorry and committed to our relationship.  I don't know that I have 100% forgiven but I feel like I am almost there.
When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold.  They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful ~ Barbara Bloom

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Forgiving EA/PA
« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2017, 08:25:44 PM »
Like gman my wife and I have similar backgrounds. I never felt like she was trying to hurt me on purpose and I've always felt she was confused so I've never felt like their was anything to forgive. But I can't say that I haven't been upset. This has been soul-crushing.

Offline gman242

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Re: Forgiving EA/PA
« Reply #9 on: March 21, 2017, 05:45:37 AM »
It took a long time for me to say the words "I forgive you"...but it was more of a mantra I was trying to talk myself into than reality.  When did I "Feel" forgiveness...when could I really let all of all the pain and hurt...that came when my wife began to show true remorse and all of the effects of what she did.  As I watched reality slowly crush her I saw the reality for her as well.  This wasn't fun...this wasn't an adventure...this wasn't about dressing young, a sports car or an affair...this was a mind [email protected]#& of the highest possible degree. 

I think that calmed some of my ego driven resentment...because it was then that I really realized that this had nothing to do with me...that the affair was never real and either were the feelings she professed.  As a matter of fact they were the exact opposite.  The more she revealed the more my bad memories, triggers and flashbacks disappeared. So for me when I saw her suffering was real...it validated the suffering that I had done as well...and it balanced some of the books in my mind and that made letting it go so much easier.

But the real key was my own growth...when I got stronger, more independent and more clear with my mirror work...the easier letting go became.  You get more comfortable with your place and your role in where you are and start to find some peace that you never had.  Again..that makes forgiveness and letting go so much easier.

Forgiveness is for ourselves not for them, at some point we all need to forgive.  The act of letting the baggage go is like dropping a physical and mental weight from your day to day life.  And once you do it...you wonder what took you so long...

BB

Just to quote for truth..

 

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