[OldPilot]

PLEASE NOTE
Please  post on your own thread first and wait for responses, if no one responds then you should use the ask a mentor thread.

Please use this thread if you need immediate attention & if possible include a link to your story page. I.E. EMERGENCIES!


Discuss away!


previous threads:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5048.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4178.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3809.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3763.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3658.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3535.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2738.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2220.0

[Made]

Can you tell me why some discussion threads are suddenly "locked"?

[OldPilot]

Can you tell me why some discussion threads are suddenly "locked"?

If they are over 150 posts then they are locked and put in the archives.

If they are less than that it could be a mistake.
Which one?

[Made]

It's Watchers thread - there usually some warning and a new thread link...


I found his new thread.

[OldPilot]

I found his new thread.

I just linked his old threads

[bluerose]

I was wondering if any of you could link my threads for please. I still am not sure how to do it. Thank you.

[OldPilot]

I was wondering if any of you could link my threads for please. I still am not sure how to do it. Thank you.

Done

Here how to do it for further reference
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=782.0

[Roma]

UPDATE ON H:  Appears the FOG is lifting and H sees a few things hes done.also is talking about doing everything he can to 'beat depression'. H said he's having feelings of driving the wrong way on a highway just to end it and something else concerning and fighting his feelings.  So those are suicidal thoughts. He feels he can do this by himself and still continues to refuse any type of medication natural or otherwise.

What  should I do? How should I act? what do I say or not say? Do I stand there and let him talk about killing himself? Should I go to work or stay home tomorrow out of concern and keep an eye on him? I've never seen him this bad.

[Mary A]

I need help! Today H's emotional affair came to light. He's sorry because according to him she does not mean anything. I'm hurt ,of course , but I'm trying to keep a clear mind. He says the old husband is not there and that I'm not the man I married. He wants to stay at home because of the kids but he says he will leave if I ask him to.

Do these discoveries make them see things more clearly? He says he was a fool that he has everything and yet he's not happy. How should I react ?

I'll appreciate any piece of advice. Thanks in advance!


Answered on your thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8786.0

[Nas]

I don't really know where to put this, so apologies if this is the wrong approach.  I didn't want to start a whole discussion thread for a question specific to me.

I need to get some insight from any and all folks on here who are lawyers by profession.

Here's my issue in a nutshell:

I just moved to a new state 4 months ago and am waiting to meet the residency requirement so I can file for D here.

I had a lawyer in my old state. My H sent me a 30 page separation agreement literally 3 days before I was set to move out of state and demanded I sign it and return it before I move. (laughable in so many ways, but mostly that we have NOTHING and the agreement was 30 pages long...)

Anyway, that was 3 days before Thanksgiving.  I immediately contacted my lawyer and asked if I should get a lawyer in my new state.  She said no, she could help me with it.  So I sent her the agreement.

I emailed her and explained that I was broke and my H was refusing to continue making alimony payments until I signed the agreement. 
Over the next 2.5 months, I emailed her several times asking her to please advise me as she was still reviewing the agreement and I was not getting paid and had signed a lease and had bills to pay.
I was in a panic and kept emailing her.  She responded to 2 emails, and each time she didn't answer my questions.  She simply said it was taking her longer than she expected to review the agreement.

Finally, the last week of January I sent her a very terse email telling her the length of time it was taking was leaving me in a financial bind and asked again if I needed to hire a lawyer in my new state.

She responded by returning the 30 page document to me with ONE paragraph changed...basically rewording it to say the same thing in a different way.  And it was literally the ONE paragraph in the entire agreement that I had said in an earlier email that I was not concerned with. 

She then informed me that (as I had suspected all along) my old state no longer had jurisdiction and everything had to be filed in my new state. 
And then she told me that my retainer had actually been completely used up and then some, but as a courtesy she wasn't going to ask me for any more money unless we had to go to trial.

(uh...how could it go to trial if that state doesn't have jurisdiction?)

I asked her for a detailed bill to show where my retainer went and was very dismayed to see that she had billed me 0.1 hours for every panicked email I had sent her that she never even responded to.

The result is I had to get a lawyer in my new state, with money I DON'T have, and that new lawyer sat with me for 1.5 hours and went through the entire agreement, something it apparently took my old lawyer 2.5 months to do. 

I gave my old lawyer a $3000 retainer, the only money I had, and she did nothing for me.  Do I have any recourse?  I feel she should have known that since I was moving out of state she couldn't help me and she shouldn't have wasted 2.5 months and used up all my money doing nothing for me. 

My H is STILL not paying me anything, which is causing a major financial bind for me, and now I have no money to keep paying a new lawyer. 
In my emails to my old lawyer, I expressed more than once that I was afraid if I didn't act soon my H would liquidate the retirement fund (which I'm legally entitled to half of and the agreement states I get the entire amount), which I now suspect he may have done.

If anyone has any opinions/advice for me on any ways I can recoup some of the money from my old lawyer, I would be very grateful if you could respond on my thread or PM me. 
I am really considering reporting her to the bar, but before I mess with someone's career I want to be sure it's necessary and I want to have all my ducks in a row.

My thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8595.msg579360#msg579360


Again, sorry if this is the wrong place for this. 

[1phoenix]

Could someone who has seen MLC through please look at my question on my link

Thanks

[Loyal]

He called me up on my  mobile phone about 20minutes ago but I didn`t answer and can`t understand that he didn`t it again on the landline as he knows I`m always at home working at this time of the day.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8985.msg615171#msg615171

Should I call him back or let him sweat?? 

[Loyal]

Sorry about posting the question here, have put it on my own thread now.

[Silver]

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9366.130

post number 138, sorry to put this here but I need advice, anyone

[bluerose]

   Can someone please link my old threads to my knew one.

[OldPilot]

   Can someone please link my old threads to my knew one.

Done

[Keep believing]

DO mlcers know they are projecting? my h called me a coward ( don't even know why) . does he realize he was talking about himself?

[OldPilot]

DO mlcers know they are projecting? my h called me a coward ( don't even know why) . does he realize he was talking about himself?

It is not unusual for MLC'er to project things onto others.
It is very possible he is doing this with you.

Whether he realizes it or not is another story, that is hard to say.

[MCSINME]

What does "attaching" mean?  Is there something specific to do to attach, or does it just mean that someone's following your thread?
Thanks,
MCS

[OldPilot]

it just mean that someone's following your thread

YES - this ^^^^^^^^^^^^

[Seekingpatience]

Hi OldPilot,

I was wondering how to turn my new thread pink?

I asked Anjae who is no longer a Mod but at the time, she mentioned putting my thread on a watchlist and that my H and I should have been working toward reconnecting for at least 6 months and that would have been June/July 2017.

We are still reconnecting and I believe rebuilding at this time.

Would appreciate feedback on this.

Thanks, peace and strength 



Edit - Answered on your thread - OP

[Treasur]

Oops...just noticed my thread title spelling mistake 
Could one of the mods correct the title from Archimedian Point to Archimemedean Point please, or it will just bug me!

Edit - Fixed - I hope - OP

[Keep believing]

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW IF A MIDLIFE CRISIS IS OVER AND THEY JUST DIDNT CHOOSE TO COME HOME?

[OldPilot]

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW IF A MIDLIFE CRISIS IS OVER AND THEY JUST DIDNT CHOOSE TO COME HOME?

My opinion is that their actions would show you this.
What makes you think the crisis is over?
Have they made amends with their children or other significant people in their lives?

[Keep believing]

Well ithought he was reconnecting with old friends and the kids but an ammends so to say. No

[Keep believing]

There are so many stories of mlcers explaining what its like to be in crisis, could you put them in one thread. I know there is a thread for this but there are  many stories on this site and different threads it is all mixed up. I remeber resding one about a man married to phoenix and one about a man spelling out starbucks.  I dont know where they are now. Thanks

[No expectations]

Hi,

Could one of the moderators look at my thread?  I think I'm almost ready for a pink icon, but would like your opinion and thoughts, please.

Thank you!

[Thunder]

Sure sounds like you're reconnecting to me.   


Edit - I added a link on your thread in  regards to this - OldPilot

[MKnight10]

Not Sure if this is the right place to post, but any chance of a mentor please.

[One day at a time]

I would also like a mentor please 

[Stand Tall]

Hello Everyone

  While reading other threads I've seen people recommend reading Denjef's thread. I am interested in reading this. How can I find it if it still exists? Also, I'm interested in other MLCer's stories after they have come threw to the end,

  Thank you
-Stand

[xyzcf]

Here is denjef's first thread and at the end of each thread will be a link to the subsequent one:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7975.msg518653#msg518653

Here are links to reconnection stories:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=237.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1756.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5763.msg656023#new

Also:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1872.0

[Stand Tall]

Thank you xyzcf

[Optimus360]

I am looking for a mentor.

[Keep believing]

When exactly is limbo ? After an awAkening? During replay?

[Mitzpah]

Hi KB,

Have a look at this article: https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_progress_back-limbo-forward_limbo.html

[Keep believing]

I have read that . It doesn't seem to answer my question . Can anyone further explain? This to me sounds like my h in the beginning . Everyone said he was in limbo until we d . But he is still with ow and partying . Replay .  The explanation sounds like it should be after replay . Is it ?    Maybe after an awakening during liminality when making decision to maybe go back home ?    Confused

Will answer on your thread.

[Nas]

I think limbo is hard to actually see.  To me, it's like somewhere stuck in the end of replay, where they have realized that the OW is not their "soulmate," their new life didn't fix them, they've stopped running from thing to thing, spending wildly and all that, but they're still not ready to look deep within or take the next steps so they're just kind of stuck living the life they currently have because they don't have the motivation to make any new changes. 

It's not like deep replay, where they are like wild manic aliens, high on the euphoria of "freedom," spending tons of money, jumping from new thing to new thing.  They haven't reached the real depression stage, because that brings on real deep dark depression.  They may have settled on a new job, live with the OW, and by all appearances are living a "normal" day to day existence, but it's just because that's where they landed after the manic craziness of replay wound down and now they don't have the energy to move forward any further. 

I don't know if that makes sense, but that's kind of my take on it. 

[Keep believing]

ok  yes . i believe then thats my h. just the same old routine as he knows it now.   do you think there is an awakening or not yet?

[OldPilot]

   do you think there is an awakening or not yet?

NOT YET

[Keep believing]

Is there an explanation somewhere , of why some sites don't believe in mlc , such as marriage helpers? How can it be denied when these mlcers , act and say the same thing? It is textbook.  i find it hard to believe that their craziness has to do with just an affair/ limerence.

[BeTheOak]

Hello there,
I am at cross rode, i need a mentor ......
It has been long time in my journey as LBS (4 years), i did all the mistakes, i have learn a lot of my self....i am ready to become normal person and feel normal with me and because of me, i am far away from there, yet.
I do not want to stand in the same way i did up to now, i want to continuous live as almost normal person, if MLCW want to join me on my way and be, what i need as woman next to me, so be it, if not i will make it...
I did some changes:
1. I confront OM3 4 months ago and OM2 15 days ago....that was my 180, she was very "surprise", MLCW did not talk to me, she is very angry and heat me (i think), most of the time i am not afraid.
2. 15 days ago i stop snooping, i made commitment to my self, to not do again .....here i need mentor, to whom i want to be responsible (like sober addict).
3. At the moment, i am preparing a flat for my self to live there, i am mentally prepare my self for , separation, divorce, face monsters ...and so on. Here i also need mentor, to be my back when i want to go back in limbo (my MLCW is lo energy). In the past by snooping i did know, when MLCW play games, see OM, what talking/lying to other...now i will not know, nothing except what i will see and hear, and if she start playing hard (to keep me stuck), i am afraid, that i will bust my hopes - and fall back in limbo -- so here i need a mentor to bring me to the reality ...

Just to say:6 year ago i have cheated to my wife, 4 years ago i confess to her ...that was the beginning of her MLC (i think)....during the time, Silver and Thunder, payed the most attention to me, and i am very thankful to them and the all others, if Silver is able, i will appreciate if he will be my Mentor...many months ago he ask me to stop snooping (i was too week then, and i did not), now i am at least strong enough, to not snoop.....
So i am ready to start, walking out, from limbo world.

That is my story :https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10314.110

thank you very much in advance..

[mapippa]

hello everyone, I have just heard through my Daughter that my xh has been dumped by the ow, I was just wondering, what to expect during other woman withdrawal stage..... I personally wont see it, as he has no contact with me whatsoever, but our Daughter has frequent contact with him,  its more to prepare her.  Any replies very much appreciated! Thank you!

[Thunder]

Mapippa, I'm not sure what your d would see.  Sometimes they get depressed for awhile.

Only thing is these break ups aren't always permanent.  Some MLCer's break up one day and the next their back together again, then they do it again..over and over again.

Also just because they break up doesn't mean he is out of his crisis.  So maybe not much will change.
Some will go on to ow/om number 2.

[mapippa]

Thank you Thunder, yes I thought all that myself, the only other concerning thing is that some days he monster's at her, really shouting at her, then within a couple of days  is ringing her & saying I love you to her.  Any thoughts on that behaviour???   

[OldPilot]

Thank you Thunder, yes I thought all that myself, the only other concerning thing is that some days he monster's at her, really shouting at her, then within a couple of days  is ringing her & saying I love you to her.  Any thoughts on that behaviour???

Yeah think about what happens to the typical LBS,
this is no different.

[Thunder]

Only your D can stop this.  If he Monsters leave, or hang up on him.  No one needs to put up with abuse.

[mapippa]

Hi there Thunder, she sees him as as mad as a box of frogs!!! Lol

[Keep believing]

how do i find a lost pm note ? i wrote it out but never sent it because i lost it

[OldPilot]

how do i find a lost pm note ? i wrote it out but never sent it because i lost it

I think you need to rewrite it and resend, there are no drafts here.

If you delete it by accident and try your browser back button then you might recover it if done right away.

Hope that helps

[jacs]

Please could someone point me in the direction of getting a mentor please?  I did post my story last week but I haven't been contacted by anyone - I'm sure I must of done something wrong.  Thank you

[xyzcf]

I have brought your thread up, sometimes threads get "lost"...can you update us on how things are going?

[UnconditionalLove]

Hi, my thread is dead.  I have been here since 2014.  Ex husband took off to another states after moving us to a new state and left me here. Well...6 years later after trying to message him about money he has told me he is back in the state he left me at.  I’m assuming affair is over.  My question is where do I go to find out information about after the affair?  I know he’s been depressed he did answer that question and he’s probably depressed now and in a city by himself so lots of thinking going on.  He is not reaching out to me.  I think moving here was because it was easier to do.  He has a license here.  I would like to read up on what is going on after the affair.  Thank you!

Replied on your thread...Thunder

[Mercygrey8]

I would like a mentor. I read a post that said that one was offered in the welcome email, but I've read over mine, and I can't seem to find it.  I'm sorry if this isn't where I should be asking this, but I'm not familiar with the site yet. 
Its been 7 months since my husband's Bomb Drop. I think I'm starting to see some daylight, but I'm still struggling. I went through 6 months of raw pain, and even contemplated suicide at one point. I guess I'm sane enough to know that I don't want to slide back into that hell. I already had anxiety problems, but thought I had a good coping skill that worked for me. That all flew out the window after he left. I literally don't know how I made it through each day for months at a time. I'm always asking my kids (grown) if things are going to be ok... Even with constant assurances, I feel anxious all the time. I'm taking medication for my depression & anxiety, but it doesn't feel like it's working very good. Yet I'm terrified to stop, because what if it IS working, and this is as good as I'm going to get.....

[Adultgirlchild]

Hello,
I have never went to a board to ask for help but I don’t know where else to turn right now I need help quick. It’s been 2.5 years since bomb drop. I’ve read everything everywhere on midlife crisis. I’ve had my own. But I don’t know what to do right now.  My partners affair started about 2 years 9 months ago. He BD and moved out 2 year 6 months ago.  His affair ended and he came back home 1 year 3 months ago. I know it was early. We got in to an argument where I set a boundary two days ago and tomorrow he’s signing the lease on an apartment! I don’t know if I should try and get him to stay or just let him go. I don’t even know if he would stay. I’m so scared right now. I set a boundary and he’s leaving so do I just stick to it and let him go? Though I think he’s been on the fence about being with me. I’m boring. I thought he was just maybe starting withdrawal but maybe he’s still in replay. I have no idea. Please help if you can. I really appreciate it.


Edit - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11745.0   post on this other thread for answers   - Oldpilot

[ButlerSally]

My dear, if he doubts whether to be with you, then you definitely don't need him, make yourself strong and let him go. This man is not the end of your life. I wouldn't want you to remember that day after a while and think you should have let him go, sitting miserable in your house. Find a fun activity, start learning something, go on vacation, socialize more with friends, find a job that makes you happy. Take up plants, plant something, it's very soothing.... but most importantly, forget about who's not worthy of you. Be happy dear and be strong, I believe in you!!!!   

[Curiosity]

Hello - just wanted to check with the mentors about using the light purple “reconnecting” icon. W has been back at home just over a year. It’s been about 8 months since we had the conversation where she told me she didn’t want to be separated anymore, and when she put her wedding ring back on. I feel like we still have work to do on our communication, but we are absolutely moving in the right direction.

[Thunder]

Curiosity,

So very glad to hear this!   

Reconnecting

Not for use in early MLC; use only 18 months post Bomb Drop
There can be low levels of Reconnection and these can be common in early MLC, that is not what this is for. Use this for serious Reconnection—so it needs to have been going on for some time and usually your MLCer is home. It is extremely rare for a Reconnection to be genuine until 18 months after Bomb Drop. Some MLCers move in and out multiple times, but often things will still be rocky and a situation may go back-and-forth between the white story icon and purple. By leaving the older threads with this icon, you can even look back and see the ups and downs-and it is important that newbies realize ups and downs are part of MLC-Normal.

With rare exceptions, this is not meant for an At-Home MLCer who simply never left.[/i][/u]

[Curiosity]

Thanks, Thunder! It seems to fit… just over 2 years from BD; she moved out for about 7 months but has been home for a year and actively committed to working on the marriage for 8 months. Our timeline is pretty short but since she has been home there really hasn’t been any back-and-forth about her commitment to our marriage. I appreciate the response!

[Didot49]

Hello, my thread has been locked at only 44 posts, as I haven’t been on here for a while. I would like to resurrect it if possible. How do I go about doing that? Thanks

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10073.0

[UrsaMajor]

Hello, my thread has been locked at only 44 posts, as I haven’t been on here for a while. I would like to resurrect it if possible. How do I go about doing that? Thanks

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10073.0

All done (forgot to answer here so the other Mods don't go looking for it)

[lost88]

Is there any harm or benefit to call out an MLC on an outrageous lie ?
I really don’t care what she’s doing but feel insulted that she even thinks I believe her story …

The things they lie about sometimes don’t make sense … and not even believable ..

I want to say we both know you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing … I’d rather she didn’t even feed me any explanation….

[Ready2Transform]

Is there any harm or benefit to call out an MLC on an outrageous lie ?
I really don’t care what she’s doing but feel insulted that she even thinks I believe her story …

The things they lie about sometimes don’t make sense … and not even believable ..

I want to say we both know you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing … I’d rather she didn’t even feed me any explanation….

This may be an unpopular opinion, but there was never a time I actually spoke my truth to my MLCer that I regret. And a well-placed "truth dart" had the positive effect of shutting down the dumb lies or bad attitude at times.

There is literally nothing you can say that's going to damage them any more than they are damaging themselves, IMO. But you can absolutely start to compromise your own integrity or identity to accommodate this stuff in order to not 'push them away' (when they're already out the door, most of the time) in a way that causes you to lose yourself or have regrets in the future about the moments you *didn't* take to speak your truth.

Knowing how this all turned out anyway, when I really couldn't have been better to him throughout the ordeal, I would have gone so much harder for myself. And that doesn't mean fighting or yelling, it just means not letting this change me ina way I would ultimately have to recover from.

[Hopeful5]

Is there any harm or benefit to call out an MLC on an outrageous lie ?
I really don’t care what she’s doing but feel insulted that she even thinks I believe her story …

The things they lie about sometimes don’t make sense … and not even believable ..

I want to say we both know you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing … I’d rather she didn’t even feed me any explanation….

If there are kids involved, and they're hearing these lies, I think it's absolutely important to call these things out. I'm living this out right now and it's not easy.  The MCL'er is putting your reputation at risk.  I also agree with @lost88 on everything she said. There's no way you'll push someone away who's already gone in their heart and actions.

[MadLuv]

I also called out my MLCer on every lie he told me if I had the proof of the lie. Kust be prepared for them to deny even with proof at times. They will try and protect themselves above and beyond. I think it also depends on what type of MLCer you have. Mine was so avoidant that I never got monster, but if you have one that will get angry you don’t know always what exposure to lies will get in a reaction.