Yuk... I just suffer brain fart in this thread / topic. I must be simple somehow. Let me try this again. I think ( from what I experienced ) it was so far beyond selfish , it almost does not apply . It was not selfish acts from a man that NEVER once did 1 single selfish thing . NEVER ONCE. That was part of the implosion of "pleasing everyone all their life " and never doing anything for self . I would say, (here goes) my husband never developed a healthy sense of self, never had his own identity , never knew how he felt, his opinions, his needs , his sense of who he is as a person. He was hollow and did everything for everyone... made him a very agreeable ,easy husband . He was always "fine" and for the most part "copied" me or let me "lead the way" because 'barbiedoll must be right ". I said this to the therapist at the very 1st meeting ( when it was my turn to be there alone) . I said " he has no real identity ". She said with eyebrows raised .. " could that be reason for a crisis?" Yes. Indeed it was . Of course ( externally ) he was extremely extremely selfish ... especially since I never witnessed him doing 1 thing for himself in over 30 years . Shocking . But it was far far deeper .. he mentally, physcolgically , spiritually and emotionally disintegrated, emploded in his FOO issues that were never resolved or integrated . It was a deep subconscious action that he was out of control of . I saw him sucked away from who he had always been into a raging, self entitled narcissist .. he became his father . He was afraid . He was afraid of himself . He asked me more than once .. "am I depressed?, what is wrong with me ?, why can't I make a decision? , why can't I think?. He paced the floors, he did not sleep, his eyes were someone elses, he could not remember anything , he was in a trance . He was firetrucking scary, attacking ,blaming stranger . I remember moving away from glass tables .. afraid he was going to smash it . I remember him grabbing me off my feet up against a post on the deck and spitting a rage " I was firetrucking done everything for YOU for 35 years , and these firetrucking kids ... Now it is MY TURN". It was like an exorscism of an identity that was emerging from dark shadowy places that was far beyond his control. He was slammed with emotions that he could no longer dismiss or avoid. He was in deep deep emotional pain... they tell me that his affair was a physchological attempt to re-enact his mother abandoning him at 3 ... to go back and heal this wound(regression ) . Sooooo, it is very difficult for me to only address or see the behavior only . Selfish ? Running? Raging ? ... 100% true without question. BUT, there is a far deeper struggle happening that they handle with immaturity ( they are 12), blaming / projection ( no emotional tools , experience or IQ .. this is what has been avoided all their lives ) , running ( they have always outrun these feelings... now they cannot ) and rage ( buried from years of extreme abuse / hurt = anger /rage ). We were told he should have been hospitalized , many men with this deep depression and confusion are . All of this .. and more are the reasons for this behavior and offers some deeper explantion for a man loosing himself and trying to find an identity that never developed in a healthy secure way in the 1st place. Does that excuse him? NO. It does not ... but we have to look deeper into the human spirit to survive our childhoods, to be wounded in the past and have those wounds float to the surface and look to be healed once and for all , that humans are designed to attach to others ... but until you are securely attached to a fragmented broken self , you cannot truly attach to another . It is a journey to inwardly fix the brokenness that is residing inside the child ... inside the man . So, "justification" are shallow attempts to explain or cover up or shift blame or to hide from facing the transitions and battles going on far far deeper . Sigh.
I am not sure what exactly I am trying to say .. but in my experience , they react to this unrest in ways that are utterly shocking to themselves once the pain stops. I remember asking my 4 year old . "what the hec?? Did you pee your pants ?" She said " Nooo, my sister did!!!, my sister peed in my pants mama!" . In many ways , my husband was 4 year old in a man body .
https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-mid-life-crisis-abandonment-issues/
Reasons for leaving and justifications for behavior many MLCers give #2
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