[BrenM]

Ok I have received replies from my tinder mate this morning.  This is definitely giving me insight, they can justify all their actions in their brain.....

- I care. I just don't let it dictate my future. The decision my kids have made is not because of what I did. It's because their mother chose to poison there mind with lies about our life. I can't change that nor am I trying. I'm sorry you think everything is fixable but sometimes time is the only cure

Me: Maybe your wife didn't poison them.  Being kids they no doubt witnessed her hurt in the early days.  They are just being protective, which you should be proud!

- No she did.  She told me herself what she was doing. And I'm sorry not all women are the same. Not all mothers have children's best interest at heart. Not all men are dead $h!tes neither

Me: Sorry I am passionate about families.  I have researched so much on the affects of marital breakdowns have on children - now and later on in life when they have families of their own.  It scares the $h!te out of me.

- Unfortunately with all my research I found that you can not fix every situation. Only cope in the one your in.

Me: I disagree, family is everything...you past, present and future! I agree you can't control everything or everyone, but you surely can fix what is broken...small steps. This is your family.

- Sorry?? You don't know what I have done?? How hard I have worked at this. How good a father I am

Me: The kids are always the innocent party.  They get dragged into this situation and suffer.  I worry about boys who don't express their feelings.  They internalize it.  There hurt and anger come out on other ways.

- They are well looked after. I pay maintenance. I pay there accommodation. Hell of a lot more than others. Is your ex doing all that I wonder

Me: Money means nothing.  Being there for them is more important.  That is one thing I have learnt out of all of my mess.  I would forgo every last cent I had to have happy grounded kids.

- I'm sure. At the end of day your not a miracle worker and the course of fate will be what happens. No matter how much help no matter how much counciling what will be will be. If you think otherwise you will always be fighting a loosing battle. That's why inner happiness is the key. Everything else will follow.

Me : Please don't get defensive.  I am not being judgmental.  I don't know your situation.  I just picked up on a few things you said and alarm bells have rang. You say you are lonely and miss your kids. You say you love them and they mean everything to you.  Yes you sound like a great dad.  Then you say that they use you and have been poisoned. That you are there for them but don't contact them or see them often.

Me: But this is your family your kids.  You have hurt them, they perceive you as walking out on their family, for what ever reason. Of course they blame you and have loss respect for you naturally, they probably don't know the real reason and probably should never know. But it is your job to fix things.  Small steps, day by day.  If you don't your internal guilt will destroy you.

Me: Just food for thought for you for today.  Look outside the square from a different perspective.  Send the kids a text - you probably won't receive a reply but you might?  If not, try again tomorrow and the next day.  Never give up on any of them. They are you most valuable assets you will ever have. Small steps and persistence is the key.

No reply received.....hmmmmm....what are you thoughts?

[Shocked]

HI Rossbren, My thoughts are you are tossing truths darts to a stranger. He took more of them than I would have expected. He also isn't likely to keep being the target since most men don't want to be any thing but built up. If he writes backs it would to hear his justifications of his actions. Good try!!!!

[BrenM]

Shocked - you have read my intentions perfectly 😬.  Always batting for the LBS's and kids worldwide.

It surprised me to read some of his justifications.  In his head everyone else is to blame.  Yet he is lonely, somewhat miserable, looking for a soul partner (irrespective what his kids think...so still somewhat self centred) and can't not sleep.  His kids don't talk to him because they have be poisoned....just WOW.....how script is That?

Let's see if he does reply, I wouldn't if it was me, getting a lecture from a stranger lol.  But then again he is lonely, maybe some of my truth darts get through, fingers crossed.

[Onward]

Rossbren, you could be quoting my H in conversation regarding his first W and child. All her fault. Convinced the child was brainwashed. Can't hear differently, even from the (now grown) child.

He's following the same script with me. Total self-exoneration. Not even a hint of a "maybe things could be different". Not a hint of remorse. Not a lot of reflection.

Will be interesting to see if he writes back. H ran from anyone who put up even a hint of resistance or challenge to his 'woe is me' attitude.

[BrenM]

Rossbren, you could be quoting my H in conversation regarding his first W and child. All her fault. Convinced the child was brainwashed. Can't hear differently, even from the (now grown) child.

He's following the same script with me. Total self-exoneration. Not even a hint of a "maybe things could be different". Not a hint of remorse. Not a lot of reflection.

It just amazes me the similarities in everyone suffering MLC.   So your H went through MLC twice? 

[sparklestar]

I think I have more of a true vanisher than I realised. In the last few days I have been able to find out more of what's happened in the 7 months H has literally replaced me - ow, new dog, new house in a new town, changed bank accounts, new phone its like he has tried to erase his old life and focus on the new one. I am astounded. The only thing that ties us now is our house we have no children. No contact. Never checks on me, has never boomeranged or clung. 

Compartmentalisation at its best.

There is a book on abandoned wives and it covers situations like this where they literally just up and leave their wives and lives. I don't know if its MLC thy causes that or not - I think I've heard it mentioned on here that while the book doesn't mention it that's what's behind a lot.

But maybe these vanishers just didn't have the courage or skills to exit their relationships in a normal way so they do this and the only way they know how is to just cut all ties and start over. I don't know if there is any chance of a vanisher really waking up?

[BrenM]

Sparkle star

Sending you a big LBS hug.  My husband idolized his children.  They were absolutely everything to them.  He lived for them.  Our family was so happy. We had plans of house renovations, purchasing a business etc.  and then BD.  I have thought about this a zillion times, thinking that maybe I had missed something.  The kids and I know what our family was.  Ironically now, it is only his story (or his re-invention) differs.  Surely we all aren't in Denial?  I am confident he is MLC script.  Everyone tells me how miserable my husband looks, yet he says he is happy.  He has nothing to do with our children.  His daughter has suffered severe depression at anxiety,  not attending school for 16 months, under psychiatrists and psychologists.  He just does not care.  Our daughter was his princess, he would never hurt her or her brothers.  He would never hurt me.  It just does not make sense.  He is a total stranger to us all.

Last year during a random phone call he said two things that I will never forget...very frightening and eerie, but clearly shows his mind set
" it is a good day when my eyes open up and it will be a bad day when they don't"
"Every day I live in fear"

Yes they are cowards and try to run away, which I believe is caused by guilt and shame of the affair.  No one can run forever.  Masks fall off, the internalized emotions burst open.  My husband on Xmas day spent 4 hours alone at the local gym....would you do than if you were blissfully in love with the person of your dreams.  NO WAY!  He has a void that he is trying to escape from.  Don't give up....sit back and watch..

[sparklestar]

Rossbren, I guess when you out it like that....?!

I ask my sled this every day - am I really just in total denial. And I'm sure I'm not. But everything right now points the other way. And I have no insight in to what people think regarding if H looks happy or not. All I can see is shark eyes.

I don't know how much I believe now in this 'awakening' I guess only time will tell and the situation will unfold and more and more will come to light.

I try so hard to be positive and hopeful and sparsely but I genuinely feel crushed and quite sh*t at the moment.....Again it's that are you just ignoring what's really obvious/in denial question..... but you're right we know the relationship/family life we had and it wasn't perfect but it seemed pretty stable and solid. so baffled....

[BrenM]

Oh Sparklestar

I understand exactly what you are saying.  I have days when I question myself. I think it is only natural. We get frustrated by time, and our minds go in overload.  I guess all we can go by is that we knew our H's so well.  People just don't fall out of love overnight.  People don't change. People don't walk away from their children.  My h was never violent, yet I have witnessed the Monster - spewing abuse at his kids and me.  This is not normal. Look at us, we should hate our h's and want nothing more to do with them, that is what they deserve.  But we can't.  Why?  I think we know deep down, we have a everlasting connection that can't be broken.   Trust the process.  Continue on your life journey and they WILL catch up when they come out of the fog. 

Feel free to pm me, it is bloody hard having a Vanisher.  We have no answers to our questions.  We can only rely on what people tell us.  BUT WE HAVE OUR GUT INSTINCT.  I know what mine has been telling me since day one.  😘😘😘

[sparklestar]

But maybe some of us are just deluding ourselves? Maybe we just can't let go?

I know my H was very different for a good 9/10 of the years we were together. He changed as his job did so the last 2 I can see the change. Slowly but surely more cocky, more cold, hardened. Not all the time but he had been influenced by the world he worked in. Maybe people do just change and his old life didn't suit what he wanted to do. This was all supposed to be about feeling trapped, he didn't want to answer to anyone, he didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone for a very long time. Yet he did the opposite. Replaced his old life with a new one. And he's living it. Whether he meant to or not he has.  Right now that's what he clearly wants to be doing. No one is holding a gun to his head. He has shark eyes in all the pics like he has in the pics in the year before you can absolutely see the difference and it changes with the timon's I mentioned above so I know it's linked but he is what he is now. And he is a different person.

But maybe that's it. Maybe he won't ever change back. He may evolve in to something else but that doesn't mean he will want elements of an old life back. Or maybe he's changed permanently.

Bottom line is if you loved someone you wouldn't do what these MLCrs are doing so right now they don't love us. What I would love to know is if they love the OP can they feel that? They must feel something? And how can you feel numb yet still experience linerance or any kind of attraction?

I know I'm having a really down day but for the first time I almost feel defeated and that this is it. I dont trust my intuition anymore maybe that was just too tainted with what I really wanted to see.

I was so sure in the beginning but now I'm not I just don't see how you can be when the evidence is so glaringly obvious that he has well and truly moved on.....