Author Topic: My Story Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts  (Read 3378 times)

Offline Searching4Answers

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My Story Re: No sympathy. No remorse.
« Reply #10 on: April 14, 2017, 08:35:18 AM »
People can only display sympathy and remorse if they have empathy - MLCer's do not have any empathy.

Sadly, not very many LBS's ever get remorse, I certainly have not. Can't recall ever getting a genuine "I'm sorry" either. In order for "I'm sorry" to mean anything, it must be accompanied by actions. While they are in MLC they are selfish and the only they feel sorry for is themselves.

I feel like she's only sorry she got caught.

Bingo!
We all do damage. Character is determined by how we repair it.


BD - December 2012
OW1 confirmed - December 2012 on-and-off for 34 months and counting (still refers to her as just a 'friend')
Wants to live like roommates - November 2013
I moved out - April 2015
H is still checking the anchor

Offline Watcher

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Re: No sympathy. No remorse.
« Reply #11 on: April 14, 2017, 08:41:15 AM »
Hey PJ,

22 months post BD myself and not one apology. Not even sorry for getting caught. If only you would have treated me right Watcher. LOL. She has an answer for everything. She is entitled and her behavior is justified.

Offline Elegance

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Re: No sympathy. No remorse.
« Reply #12 on: April 14, 2017, 08:50:19 AM »
`Hi PJ,

I'm sorry for your pain. MLCers don't typically show remorse or apologize for a very long time.

They honestly have no feelings right now as somehow the MLC has put all kinds of feelings away on a shelf for later after they heal their issues.

Just keep in your heart that if your W heals, she will come around and  see everything she has done and show some kind of remorse. At least that is how MLC is 'supposed' to go.

Keep faith in the process of MLC!

Hang in there. Stay Strong.

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #13 on: April 14, 2017, 09:26:24 AM »
I agree that MLC'ers have no remorse or empathy certainly while they are in their crisis.

I think continuing to detach and let her work through her issues are the best bet.
Along with having boundaries.

I merged your threads together
Please stick to one thread until 150 posts

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #14 on: April 14, 2017, 10:29:04 AM »
Thanks for the kind words and insight everyone. I really appreciated it.

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #15 on: June 01, 2017, 11:50:58 AM »
Well, I may have messed up.

After several months of keeping our relationship light and fun and noticing a lot of improvement, (almost like old times) I decided it may be a good time to try to test the waters and talk about how I feel. (yeah, I know - bad idea)

As you can probably guess, my wife responded in a negative way. She keeps coming back to my "trust issues" after her emotional affair last June. As if I have no reason to mistrust someone who has betrayed my trust, lied to me and tried to keep things hidden from me. She's still occasionally communicating with the third party, although from what I can tell not nearly as much as she used to. (He's a co-worker so there are some legitimate reasons to for them to communicate) She also wants to know why I keep constantly bringing her EA up. (We've talked about it a total of 4 times over the past year.) 

Basically, I'm getting tired of this lighthearted buddy relationship we have. What I want is to have a real marriage with a grown-up I can talk to about things. (I know, good luck!) I guess I'll have to wait and keep working on my own self.

Here's my question for those who have been through the wringer: how do you communicate boundaries with a person who is totally in denial about the hurt their actions have caused and thinks "a few stupid texts" is no big deal? And who thinks that the problem in our relationship is my lack of trust? By setting boundaries, am I communicating that I don't trust her? I don't, of course, but I can't say that. Or maybe I should just stop walking on tiptoes and tell her what I expect? When we try to talk about anything important, she just hears what she wants to hear, so I don't think there's any point in talking. Is it best to write down a list of expectations rather than communicating them verbally?

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #16 on: June 01, 2017, 11:59:59 AM »
Here's my question for those who have been through the wringer: how do you communicate boundaries with a person who is totally in denial about the hurt their actions have caused and thinks "a few stupid texts" is no big deal?
And who thinks that the problem in our relationship is my lack of trust?
By setting boundaries, am I communicating that I don't trust her?
 I don't, of course, but I can't say that.
 Or maybe I should just stop walking on tiptoes and tell her what I expect?
When we try to talk about anything important, she just hears what she wants to hear, so I don't think there's any point in talking.
 Is it best to write down a list of expectations rather than communicating them verbally?
I think you need boundaries.
I think you can have NO EXPECTATIONS.

I do NOT think you need to communicate the boundaries by words.
You communicate them through ACTIONS.

Words are meaningless,  actions show your true intent.

So write down your boundaries here and lets discuss them and how through your actions you will enforce them.

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #17 on: June 01, 2017, 12:33:37 PM »
Here's what I think would be healthy boundaries in our (and any) marriage:
• Physical violence is never acceptable
• Sexual infidelity is not acceptable
• Verbal abuse is not acceptable
• Belittling a spouse in front of family (especially kids) is not OK.
• Discussing our sex life with an opposite sex co-worker is not cool with me. (that's been an issue)
• It's not OK to complain about a spouse to members of the opposite sex.
• Lying and intentional deception is not OK.
• When you recognize that you are flirting, stop it.
• Hiding things and keeping secrets from each other is not OK.
• We should always check with each other before making major purchases.
• We should never put kids in a position where they are forced to pick sides in our conflict.

Do these sound too much like rules? Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way.

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #18 on: June 01, 2017, 01:07:40 PM »
Here's what I think would be healthy boundaries in our (and any) marriage:
• Physical violence is never acceptable
• Sexual infidelity is not acceptable
• Verbal abuse is not acceptable
• Belittling a spouse in front of family (especially kids) is not OK.
• Discussing our sex life with an opposite sex co-worker is not cool with me. (that's been an issue)
• It's not OK to complain about a spouse to members of the opposite sex.
• Lying and intentional deception is not OK.
• When you recognize that you are flirting, stop it.
• Hiding things and keeping secrets from each other is not OK.
• We should always check with each other before making major purchases.
• We should never put kids in a position where they are forced to pick sides in our conflict.

Do these sound too much like rules? Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way.
While I can not dispute anything you wrote,
what are the consequences of breaking these boundaries.
In other words are they enforceable?

My favorite boundary is I will not be in a relationship with you if you are in a relationship with someone else.

Easy to enforce and no words are required.

How many of your above ones fit into mine?

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #19 on: June 01, 2017, 01:24:43 PM »
"I will not be in a relationship with you, if you are in a relationship with someone else." Wow, you said it much better than me! That covers a lot of the ones that are important to me. I'm going to use that. Thanks!

As far as enforceability, the major purchases one is the easiest: any purchase over a certain dollar amount made without checking with the other spouse first is automatically returned. That's actually happened.

I don't know how to enforce boundaries against lying, belittling etc... In the old days, we could just tell each other if we were hurt and empathy would lead to remorse > apology > forgiveness > reconciliation. But if she has no remorse for doing hurtful things, I honestly don't know how enforce much of anything.

 

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