Author Topic: My Story Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts  (Read 4768 times)

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 118
  • Gender: Male
My Story Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #110 on: January 31, 2019, 07:27:20 AM »
I wonder about that too. "If I had known then what I know now?" I think best LBS practices would have helped ME a lot, but I don't know if it would have helped the marriage.

The curveball in my situation is W's health. She had hip replacement surgery this summer and was suffering with a bad hip for a long time before that. So she was dependent on me for a lot. We got pretty close during her surgery and recovery time. Almost back to the old normal. I was actually thinking maybe there was not actually an MLC happening and OM1 was just an abberation. Then, as soon as she recovered from surgery, she started with OM2.  :-[

In her case, both OMs were just EAs and both are out of town. OM2 is out of state. (OM1 is a work colleague - same company different town and rarely in the same location). I think her lack of physical energy may contribute to the low energy nature of her MLC and her not having a PA so far. I also wonder now if her slow motion MLC is going to take her longer.

But there's not much I can do but work on myself and getting my own life. Onward!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 118
  • Gender: Male
Hunkered down for the long haul
« Reply #111 on: February 05, 2019, 08:24:50 AM »
Changing my thread title to reflect my new reality. I would wait to start a new one, but I’m in the middle of this slow-motion train wreck of my W’s crisis where there’s not much for me to post because not much changes. So it may take a while to get to 150!

I know my situation is still not as difficult as many here, but it’s gone on a long time and probably will go on a lot longer. So, I’m hunkered down for a long haul, working on myself, coping with emotional starvation, and trying to live my best life.

Here’s one new positive development. S23 has just accepted a job as a patient transporter at a hospital. He announced to us that he giving up drinking completely because he will be dealing with a lot of emotional situations at the hospital and he doesn’t want to drink in order to cope with it. He hasn’t been a heavy drinker, but he was known to have a few after college finals, etc... Also, STB DIL’s father is an alcoholic and STB DIL doesn’t drink at all. 

Of course my W drinks almost every day as a coping mechanism for stress (and depression I think). She had the deer-in-headlights look on her face when he made his announcement. He’s a great kid! :)
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 20333
  • Gender: Female
Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #112 on: February 05, 2019, 09:06:27 AM »
Nice to hear your S decided to give up drinking.  Bet that hit your W right in the gut.
No way to cope with your problems, just complicates them more.

Congrats on his new job, too   :)
You must be so proud.

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline KeepItTogether

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4255
  • Gender: Female
Re: Hunkered down for the long haul
« Reply #113 on: February 05, 2019, 01:40:26 PM »

I know my situation is still not as difficult as many here, but it’s gone on a long time and probably will go on a lot longer. So, I’m hunkered down for a long haul, working on myself, coping with emotional starvation, and trying to live my best life.


Your situation is just as difficult as anyone's here--but I like your positive attitude!  No matter the circumstances, it is always painful when the one who promised to love us no matter what has completely emotionally detached, and has connected with another.  Of course, we understand that new "connection" is nothing more than smoke and mirrors, but it is painful nonetheless.

Congrats on S's job and his no more drinking proclamation. I have been using my Chardonnay as a band-aid of sorts too and just recently decided no more.  I think reading your thread today inspired me even more. You are doing great. Hunkering down, living our best lives and leaving the MLCers alone is all we can do.  And you are doing it!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 118
  • Gender: Male
Hunkered Down for the Long Haul
« Reply #114 on: February 05, 2019, 08:42:23 PM »
Thanks Thunder and KeepItTogether.

Yes, very proud of both my kids. They are doing well and are kind, thoughtful people. And my W has been a great Mom. Her issues didn't really start up until the kids were in college, and she deserves a lot of credit for our kids growing into such great adults. 

I'm in a weird place where my kids are acting more mature than my W. I remember when my D used to remind me of my W. Now my W sometimes reminds me of my D when she was a teenager.

Thunder - Yeah, that had to hurt. But I'm not saying a thing about it unless she asks.

KeepIt - Thanks for the kind words and congrats on ripping off the band-aid.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Online Rosetintedglasses

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 675
  • Gender: Female
Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #115 on: February 06, 2019, 08:56:11 AM »
Loving the new title!

Well done to your son PJ, maybe he can encourage your W to join him in the real world alcohol free. Takes a lot of strength though so must be a scary thought for her. Is it wine she drinks? Is she a secret drinker?

I think a lot of how well your children have grown up is because of you. We can all see here how much of a decent person you are so give yourself a pat on the back too!

Emotional starvation is a great description. Hadn’t thought of it like that before.

I agree with KIT your situation is just as difficult as anyone else’s here. Of course some are more and some less complex, some are more and some less devastating depending on circumstances but the core is the same. And it’s a rotten core.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 118
  • Gender: Male
Re: Hunkered down for the long haul
« Reply #116 on: February 06, 2019, 11:15:05 AM »
Thanks Rose. W drinks two glasses of wine every day after work. Not secretive. It's not a lot, but it's every day. And she drinks as a stress coping mechanism. That's what my S wants to avoid as he starts a stressful, emotional job. (He's using W as an example of what NOT to do). S had been more of a college social drinker, but now he's out of college and adulting. I myself have one beer maybe every couple of weeks. D21 is about the same.   

W also goes out drinking maybe once a week with her single female co-workers. That's tapered down since the early days of her crisis. One week early on she went out four times. And she sometimes drove home when in no condition to drive. That was scary and a big problem for me. One of her single female co-workers got a DWI, which put a bit of a damper on the party lifestyle. W is more of a wallower than anything now. (The bachelorette party is over - it's a pity party now!).

I found the term "Emotional Starvation" in BBHelp's lessons learned thread. It really resonated with me. W is at home and we still have physical intimacy, but she is not a person I can lean on emotionally. She's definitely not interested in my hopes and dreams! Her bucket is empty from trying to deal with her self. So I don't get much sympathy, kindness or support. You know, those simple things that make your day bearable. So, I've had to learn to get my emotional nourishment elsewhere - through closer relationships with friends and family (and here). It's not the same, but it's the best I can do.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 118
  • Gender: Male
Re: Hunkered down for the long haul
« Reply #117 on: February 11, 2019, 09:13:39 AM »
So, W and I have our first meeting with an MC next week. W has been seeing an IC weekly for about three months. She says she’s learned a lot, but hasn’t shared anything with me. I haven’t pried. 

I’m a little nervous about MC. It was my suggestion back in November after BD2 when I thought I might have been approaching last straw territory. But once things settled down I backed off from it. But now W is pushing for it and I’m afraid it’s too soon. I don’t think she can handle facing the reality of the damage just yet.

I’m not sure how to prepare for MC. Any advice from the vets?
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2408
  • Gender: Female
Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #118 on: February 11, 2019, 09:58:41 AM »
Hi PJ, we have no experience in MC but lots of IC.

I’m guessing (with ignorance and all!) that it might be better for you to devote your attention to listening, rather than talking, in MC.  I’m looking at your dates and I think it’s way too early for MC.  But, she asked and all you can do is to acquiesce and see what her thinking process is like.  Maybe this is the way your W will find out that she needs a lot of individual work before attempting to address relationship issues.  MLC was never about M and she needs to learn that for herself...
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 118
  • Gender: Male
Re: Hunkered down for the long haul
« Reply #119 on: February 12, 2019, 04:47:47 PM »
Thanks Acorn - you are wise!

Yes, listening sounds like a good plan. Probably best just to be supportive, nod agreeably when I can, and hold my fire. If C is any good, she'll figure out the important things early on.  W wants C to help facilitate a discussion about W's EAs. When we've tried to talk about this in the past, she got very hurt and would end the discussion by crying. Meanwhile, I wound up getting angry and frustrated from holding back and trying to be so gentle. I think the problem with talking about these things is that W lives in La-La Land and I don't speak La-La.

So, I agree that it's probably too early (although it has been almost three years since she started acting strange). Maybe this can be something that we space out over long gaps of time? One day at a time I guess - each day has enough trouble of its own!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk