Author Topic: My Story Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts  (Read 3373 times)

Offline bookwrmmom

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My Story Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #20 on: June 01, 2017, 02:43:31 PM »
Hello PJ and welcome, sorry I am late jumping on board here. I would like to comment on the financial aspect. Please be prepared at a moments notice to protect yourself financially. Due to her behavior you should hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I
Many couples keep things joint and many keep them separate. If there is a way for you to start saving separately (without violating your own rules) then I would do so. If you are ones who have any separate accounts, then this would be easy.
For you sake I hope that never becomes necessary however I have been a part of the HS crew for over 3 years. I have learned to err on the side of safety.
Hugs my friend, and know you have people here who support you.
M-44 at BD (now 47)
H-47 at BD (now 49)
Tog-16 1/2 yrs
M-16yrs
Kids- S23, S24, D18 at BD
BD-2/15/2014
Left-2/17/2014
OW1-fantasy ended in less then a year
OW2- briefly dated-she said he was not a happy enough person
OW3-post divorce so not really OW, he is a free agent now
Divorce-10/5/2015
Giving up does not always mean that you are weak; sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go.

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #21 on: June 11, 2017, 11:36:43 PM »
Now that I have an awesome mentor (Thanks!), I think it might be wise to recap my situation. I've looked back on my previous posts and realized many of them were me venting when I was hurting and angry. Since I'm feeling kind of calm and collected tonight, maybe this is a good time to revisit things.

First, some background facts:
* After 25 years of seriously great marriage, our youngest graduated High School in Spring 2016
* My wife's mother (who lives in another state) had a stroke in early 2016, resulting in wife spending a lot of time  with her family, sister, old high school friends, etc..
* Wife's job became very stressful in 2016
* Wife was diagnosed with osteoarthritis and psoriatic arthritis in summer 2016
* Aliens abducted wife in summer 2016, leaving me a replicant in her place (OK, I made that up. But it feels that way.) Wife started acting like a teenager: lots of drinking, turbocharged sex drive, new tattoo, reckless spending and other behavior.
* Bomb drop - caught wife in EA June 2016. I'm pretty confident there was no PA, but OM is professional colleague and they are still in occasional contact. Some of this I'm sure is legitimate professionally (they are both counselors), but I don't like the way the door is still cracked open. Wife has been testing my boundaries in her "friendship" with OM and has lied to me about their continued occasional contact ("so I wouldn't overreact").

I think the combination of generational changes and work stress is what pushed my wife over the edge. She's never been good with stress and it looks to me like she just reached a saturation point and can't handle any more. Meanwhile, unresolved childhood issues tackled her from behind while she spent so much time with her parents, sister, old friends, etc... She's never seen a counselor, but these factors made me think MLC.

Where things are today, 1 year in:
* Still living together
* Wife still has no remorse over EA. Thinks it was no big deal and I'm overreacting. She thinks our biggest problem is my "trust issues." Wife has no interest in counseling, but I've seen an IC a few times and it helped.
* Relationship is pretty superficial. Other than a couple of disastrous attempts by me, we don't discuss our relationship. We go bowling, watch movies, etc... We have some fun, but it is not emotionally satisfying for me. But I think it's what she needs for now.

What I've been doing:
* Making lots of mistakes, especially in the early days. I tried hard to fix things and somehow felt that if I only had more information, I would know the right thing to say or do to fix the relationship. I tried to reason with an irrational person; it didn't work.
* Doing better at working on myself lately. Getting healthier, losing weight, working on hobbies, building new friendships.
* Trying to detach emotionally. Not always succeeding.

What I'm struggling with:
* I'm grieving the end of a 25-year marriage. Even though we're still married and could be till death do us part, my wife is definitely not the same person she was before. I'm mourning the loss of that wife. (She was great - I really miss her). It's also hard to grieve the loss of someone when she's still here (or at least that alien replicant is still living with me).
* Her cycling. Sometimes she seems like my old wife and I get tricked into feeling like the storm has passed. Then she says or does something outrageous and out of character and I get the rug pulled out from under me all over again.
* My cycling. I've learned a lot from this board, from reading and thinking and from my counselor. But some days something will trigger my emotional PTSD (only slight exaggeration) and I just forget everything I've learned. For example when OM likes my wife's Facebook post, it drives me nuts.
* Detaching. Trying not to pursue her or to fix her. This is really hard when I see her making decisions that cause her pain and grief.
* Getting a life. Not letting my marriage swamp everything else I do.

Anyway, I always feel timid posting here when I see the insane things some of your spouses are putting you through. My wife is a mess and I'm still hurting and grieving, but I know it could be a lot worse. Thanks to everyone for your kind words. Hopefully I'll be able some words of wisdom myself if I ever learn any wisdom to share!

Offline Busy_Bee

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #22 on: June 12, 2017, 02:41:23 AM »
Hi PJ Ames,
Your wife is in far away land now and no matter what you do you won't be able to reach her. She is still physically present but emotionally she is gone. You can't build any connection with her in such state.

Quote
We go bowling, watch movies, etc... We have some fun, but it is not emotionally satisfying for me. But I think it's what she needs for now.
Probably it won't be far away from the truth if I tell you that she doesn't want to do those normal things with you, she just going through the motions. It seems to me that she is a wallower. If she is, as was I a few years ago, it is safe to suggest just to leave her alone and don't initiate those "couple things", because it is considerate by MLCer as pressure.
In order to detach try to gradually release interactions with your W.
She doesn't understand what is happening to her, nor she sees any fault in her behavior, but eventually she will get to a point when she will be forced to look within.
You are doing great. You just need to have more faith in the process. You can't control her cycling, but you can control yours  :)   
Quote
Wife has been testing my boundaries in her "friendship" with OM and has lied to me about their continued occasional contact ("so I wouldn't overreact").
Stop asking her about OM and you don't have to hear her lies. If you don't react this game will get old very soon. She is just looking for attention. Don't give it to her!


Offline Thunder

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #23 on: June 12, 2017, 02:48:18 AM »
Hi PJ,

Please don't EVER feel to timid to write down your feelings here.  We have all felt the way you are feeling.  We get it!

 I think, from what I've read, you're doing pretty good so far.

You have realized you can't have a rationally conversation with a MLCer.
You are trying to detach
You are not trying to fix her or pursue her (big one)
You're working on yourself and making new friends

All good!

This is such a hard thing to go through.  It turns your whole world upside down.  BB is right looks like you have a wallower on your hands.
All you can do is concentrate on yourself and try to take the focus off her.  It's hard to do but she has enough focus on herself to last a lifetime.   She doesn't need yours too.  ::) 

Of course you don't trust her.  What she is doing is not trust worthy.
She can try to put it back on you all she wants but she knows darn well what she is doing is not right, she just doesn't want to own up to it because then she'd have to actually do something about it...like stop contacting him.

I agree with OP...I will have no relationship with you as long as you are in a relationship with another man!  Then go dim/dark until she ends it (good luck with that, btw).  ::)

Whether she likes it or not.  Just be firm.  Sorry, you can't understand that but you are my W and this is how I feel.  If his "friendship" is that important to you then I guess that's your choice.  But you can't have it both ways.
You don't get both of us.

You can still be polite but no more treating her like your faithful W.
She has to earn that title back.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #24 on: June 12, 2017, 05:57:00 AM »
* Getting a life. Not letting my marriage swamp everything else I do.
Maybe a little mystery would be good.
You want her to pursue you - not  you pursue her.

Remember that sometimes a person desires what they can not have.

Offline still going

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #25 on: July 04, 2017, 08:28:36 AM »
Hi there PJ.  Your posts sound like me three years ago.  My H began an EA in May 2014 and I found out quite soon.  He agreed to stop and I thought our relationship was improving.  But the lure of someone who thinks you're marvellous and who is forbidden (she is married too) is strong and he has reconnected several times.  Each time I have found out and stopped it again, but we are now one year post escalation and the ILYBINILWY statement.  He now says he doesn't want to be with me in any way, he is back in touch with OW daily, and has said that it would be better for me if he left - I agreed with him, but he hasn't actually left!!!  Our boys are still children - 12 and 14 - and I worry about them All The Time.  I hope you don't mind me talking about me but I thought it would be helpful for you to see a progression so you know what may lie ahead.  When I look back I think I should perhaps have allowed the EA to burn through and worked on myself rather than us back in 2014.  Maybe we would still be where we are now, or maybe we would be over by now - I will never know I guess.

I know everyone says this but that is because, I think, it is the right thing to do - if you can.  Detach and work on yourself.  When I have been able to do this (I'm not very good at it) life is easier for me and H becomes calmer and sometimes tries to reconnect.  Those are dangerous times because it gets your hopes up so I am resolved to try not to overthink this if it happens again and to just live in the moment.  You are still early on in your journey (probably - sorry), and I suspect the road will be long, winding and may even disappear at times, but by detaching and focusing on you, you will travel that road. 

Keep posting and please look after yourself first and foremost.

MLC started May 2014
MLC H moved out September 2018, divorced same time
Glossary: BH = Bad H, GH = Good H, TH = 'Teenage' H

Still going!

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #26 on: July 05, 2017, 08:08:00 AM »
Thanks still going. Great advice which I struggle to follow. I don't mind you talking about yourself at all - it is really helpful for me to see a progression!

I also think my wife is really attracted to danger of the forbidden (OM is married) and the way he tells her she's perfect. His texts that I saw were the kind that everyone knows is laughable and gag-worthy baloney except the person receiving them.

I'm trying not to snoop and to let the EA burn itself out. I think for the most part it has, but I don't like the way the door seems to still be cracked open. But I think that if I try to break them apart, I'll only throw them together. It would be like telling a 2-year-old or a teenager NOT to do something.

Thanks again for taking the time to post here - I really do appreciate hearing from someone further down the road. You're very wise and compassionate!

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #27 on: July 05, 2017, 08:18:13 AM »
I think that if I try to break them apart, I'll only throw them together.
It would be like telling a 2-year-old or a teenager NOT to do something.
Actually that is affair busting, I know it sounds counter intuitive but
the sooner the reality of her actions smack  her in the face the better
chance that it ends.

Even a 2 year old needs boundaries.

Offline still going

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #28 on: July 05, 2017, 01:48:26 PM »
OP would  you be able to explain this please as my experience of stopping the EA by threatening to tell OW's  H has been that it stops for a while, then when they think I am no longer checking up on H they start up again. What sort of boundary can you set with a live-in MLCer other than - do not act in a way which mean that I am aware of what you are doing?  I have done this but it seems a pretty soft boundary. But if I push against his Contact with OW it just drives him to her more.
MLC started May 2014
MLC H moved out September 2018, divorced same time
Glossary: BH = Bad H, GH = Good H, TH = 'Teenage' H

Still going!

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #29 on: July 05, 2017, 02:12:23 PM »
OP would  you be able to explain this please as my experience of stopping the EA by threatening to tell OW's  H has been that it stops for a while, then when they think I am no longer checking up on H they start up again. What sort of boundary can you set with a live-in MLCer other than - do not act in a way which mean that I am aware of what you are doing?  I have done this but it seems a pretty soft boundary. But if I push against his Contact with OW it just drives him to her more.

Read this first
http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/exposure-when-and-how-to-expose-affair/

My  thought is threatening is not a good idea.

DO not threaten.

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if I push against his Contact with OW it just drives him to her more.
Again pushing them together is part of affair busting - it is counter intuitive.


 

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