Author Topic: My Story Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts  (Read 3377 times)

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

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My Story Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #60 on: November 27, 2018, 03:08:32 PM »
Treasur,

Yep, it's exhausting. But I think a high energy monstering type might be worse.

I've been exercising like crazy. It helps lift my mood and makes me physically tired so I can sleep better. It's the best therapy I've found. Plus my cholesterol and blood sugar numbers are great! So there's one good side effect of my wife's MLC!  :-\

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #61 on: December 06, 2018, 12:16:41 PM »
As of today, I am officially separated. Temporarily at least. My wife has been talking about spending a few days airing out her head helping her friend (female friend who is great) fix her up new house (a real fixer-upper). She finally decided to go through with it and let me know she will not be coming home after work today. She now says she's planning on coming home on weekends and will be back for good on Dec. 19. If she follows her plan we will spend about 10 days apart.

I neither believe her nor disbelieve her. It wouldn't surprise me if she came home tomorrow and it wouldn't surprise me if she never came home at all.

She's been talking about this for a while, so it's not a surprise. I think in some ways it might actually be good for her to step away from the situation and to do some manual labor.

On the other hand, I find it incredibly selfish to leave me at a time when I need her the most. It also seems like an escalation in putting distance between us.

In one way, I feel a bit relieved. It will be nice to have some time at home for myself to rest, exercise, play guitar, etc... It will be nice to not walk on eggshells for a while.

She also starts counseling tomorrow. Finally. Her plan is to go see her IC for a while and then transition into marriage counseling. I'm trying to be as supportive and encouraging as I can.

Any advice from the veterans on how to handle a "temporary separation?"

Offline Anjae

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #62 on: December 06, 2018, 02:16:01 PM »
Any advice from the veterans on how to handle a "temporary separation?"

One day at a time and without expectations. Hope she returns December 19. Be prepared in case she does not. MLCers change their mind and it is impossible to know what she will decide.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #63 on: December 06, 2018, 04:14:42 PM »
Thanks Anjae. I keep telling myself "I've been through worse."

Also, "if I expect nothing, I'll be grateful for everything."

So far today I'm having good moments and not-so-good moments.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #64 on: December 06, 2018, 04:20:01 PM »
PJ

I think time apart is normally a good thing with MLC, for the LBS at least. You will be able to breathe.

I was worried a bit when you said ‘it’s a time when you need her the most’ as for now you can’t lean on her for anything. It’s not good for you or her, she’s too fragile and can barely look after herself. Come on here and lean on us to help you and find other ways, running maybe or IC, to help yourself as that is how you will get the inner strength to deal with this.

Glad you like her female friend.
Enjoy this time apart and be kind to yourself

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #65 on: December 06, 2018, 04:58:43 PM »
You're absolutely right, Rose. I can't lean on her for anything. She has a habit of running away after she hurts me, which I find even more hurtful than her EA and online affair. But you're right.

Reading what I wrote I can almost hear myself singing "Cause youuuuuuu left me, just when I needed you most." Ugh. Now I'm wallowing!

I'm going to start writing a short story tonight. In my present scatter-brained condition, I'm sure the first draft will be horrible. But I think it will be healthy for me. I've been working out every day. It helps.

Thanks!

Offline Anjae

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #66 on: December 07, 2018, 02:00:24 PM »
Reading what I wrote I can almost hear myself singing "Cause youuuuuuu left me, just when I needed you most." Ugh. Now I'm wallowing!


Wallow away. That is also what your thread is for.

I'm going to start writing a short story tonight. In my present scatter-brained condition, I'm sure the first draft will be horrible. But I think it will be healthy for me. I've been working out every day. It helps.

Writing a short story is great. Don't worry if the first draft will be horrible. Working our does help.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #67 on: December 07, 2018, 07:59:42 PM »
Thanks Anjae. I've made some progress on the story. The main character has a wife who is in MLC. Writing about what I know about, I suppose.

This will probably be one of those things where I write a raw draft now and come back to it in a few years when I'm not so close to the situation (I hope!). But it really helps to try to find some material to make something creative out of this madness.

I think working out is helping me wear out my body so I sleep better. I slept 6 hours straight last night! The anxiety of this temporary separation (almost two days down, 8 to go?) is so much worse for me than the pain of her EAs. The uncertainty of it all is a struggle.

In other news, my wife had her fist session with an IC today. I didn't ask her about it at all, just told her I realized how brave she was for taking such a difficult step. Hopefully it helps her. At least now she's talking about things rather than just ignoring the proverbial elephant. Personally, I had kind of acclimated to navigating around the elephant. Finally starting to deal with things is dangerous!


Offline Anjae

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #68 on: December 07, 2018, 11:08:44 PM »
Good luck with the story.

Finally starting to deal with things is dangerous!

I guess it is. Hope the IC is able to help your wife.

8 days to go is not much. Most of us have a MLCer who has been gone for years. But, we've also had plenty of time to get used to it.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online Treasur

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Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #69 on: December 08, 2018, 03:19:37 AM »
Hope writing is cathartic, PJ.
Good news on the sleep front too.
Yes, the uncertainty and sense of limbo is hard whether for a few days, weeks or months. Or years as Anjae says.

How can you use the next 8 days to top up your own batteries?
And out of interest, as you mentioned encouraging her about the IC, are you initiating contact or is she? Most folks say it is helpful in these kinds of spaces for you not to initiate any contact at all, just respond if she does and follow her tone. It's an awful temptation to try to hold on and grasp at the old connection, I know, but maybe if you do there's risk that this bit of space won't work as well for either off you?

Easier if you don't have kids of course, can't remember if you do?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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