Author Topic: My Story Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts  (Read 5066 times)

Online Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1981
  • Gender: Male
My Story Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #130 on: February 14, 2019, 03:28:16 AM »
Catching up PJ.  I hope MC goes ok my friend.
Hey, you never know. I think your where you can handle if MC is a busy. You will see it coming. But I agree. Go listen my friend. Just be the calm , cool, collected guy and listen.
Hang in there PJ

Online Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2718
  • Gender: Male
Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #131 on: February 14, 2019, 03:43:51 AM »
Yes, you can go and listen, it may be very eyeopening for you. it could also be a disaster, 50/50 Chance really.
That she expects you to be the strong partner and fix the marriage is total BS imho. That is too great a load for you to take on by yourself, either she is all in or she isnt. Its not for you to fix mate, if it were that easy we would all be with our Aliens again.

All the best and good luck.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 7404
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #132 on: February 14, 2019, 03:59:24 AM »
I am with WhyUs but in a different way....

She wants you to be "the strong one and fix the marriage?"

That is so, when it doesn't work (and if SHE is not willing and ready to do HER work and get HER ducks in a row, I am sorry to say it is NOT an "if" but a "when") she can walk out saying "Well, I tried but HE wasn't strong enough. It was HIS fault...."

Same sort of nonsense my STBXW pulled on me...

STBX: "We should go to MC."
Me: "OK... But what has changed? You weren't interested before"
STBX: "You are right. Nothing has changed."
Me: <WTF?>

Later
STBX: "You said there was no point in MC because nothing had changed."
Me:  <WTF?> "Uh, no, That is NOT what I said. I asked you what had changed that you changed your mind."
STBX: <crickets>
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 134
  • Gender: Male
Re: Hunkered down for the long haul
« Reply #133 on: February 17, 2019, 08:23:04 PM »
W and I start MC tomorrow and we had a weird conversation tonight. I took her out for coffee. We talked about non-relationship things for a long time. It was fun. Then I asked her if she was sure she wanted to go to MC. I told her I didn't want her to go just to make me happy and that I only wanted to go if we were both committed to working our marriage. She said she wanted to work on our marriage and that we should have started MC years ago after I suggested it after OM1. OK. So far, so good.

Then...
Me: I'm glad your IC seems to be going well. You seem happier.
W: Yes, I'm learning a lot.
Me: That's great. Can you tell me what you've been learning?
W: It's hard to put into words. I haven't told you much.
Me: Actually, you haven't told me anything.
W (bursts into tears): This is why I don't tell you anything.

I know, I know. I messed up by asking about her IC. Still, her logic is hard to follow.

In other news, I'm working on this method of "charging neutral" that Acorn told me about. Basically, I'm working on being calm and non-reactive. I have no buttons to push. I'm not apologizing unless I did something wrong and I'm not allowing myself to be a victim or a doormat. If she gets upset, I tell her I'm sorry she feels that way. But I'm not backing down and I'm not accepting her BS. For example, when she said OM2 was a "Pen Pal" I said "no, I don't agree with that." So far W doesn't like it!

So, MC could be interesting tomorrow. I don't think she's ready, but she wants to go so I'm going to honor her effort. I'm going to try to use lots of "we" language, listen, be supportive, and ask any questions the counselor asks me calmly and honestly. But I'm not accepting any more lies. So things may get worse before they get better!

Anyone have any MC survival tips?
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Online Music45

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 85
  • Gender: Female
Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #134 on: February 18, 2019, 12:00:15 AM »
Hello PJ,
I've just read back through your posts and am attaching along. I have no experience of MC to share, sorry. I just know that there was a time, earlier in MLC land when I'd have welcomed MC thinking it was the beginning of the end. We did go once, at H's instigation to see his IC [this was in the early days during one of his false returns]. Not sure what this was about [and it didn't achieve anything]. He subsequently gave up his IC later anyway - even after they'd worked on some pretty tough stuff together, like identifying how he connected with old school friend OW because he associated her house and her parents, as "accepting" when he didn't feel accepted at home and was looking for that feeling of contentment again now, as an adult. He learnt all that and still pushed away from me. Again. I guess he just wasn't ready to hear it.

Not sure what I'm trying to say here other than I know from experience that my H clearly has at times seen through the fog enough to realise something is wrong and he needs to do something [and maybe in the long run it will count towards his eventual waking up from MLC, who knows] but that there needs to be a significant change in order for it to mean anything.

I really hope that your W is on the right path, I'm just saying take care as, as I know, there's a lot of fools gold in that MLC river. Keep panning for the real thing.
« Last Edit: February 18, 2019, 12:47:59 AM by Music45 »
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline 9393roo

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 256
  • Gender: Female
Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #135 on: February 18, 2019, 05:26:50 AM »
Oh man PJ, your talk with your W sounds just like the many I have had with my H over the past year.  He would start to sound normal and rational and then bam....I would say something wrong and it brought back the insanity.  I have been pushing away marriage counseling for awhile now.  I will fill you in on my thread today my conversations I had with my H for the last 2 days.  I THINK some of what I calmly brought up may have stuck.  He brought up marriage counseling again and I told him I wasn’t going until he read the book his counselor gave him. He started yesterday.

I think you may have a lot to tounge biting and lip zipping ahead of you today. I don’t think your W is anywhere near ready to listen to you.  Sending you good energy to be able to get through this. 

Roo
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2443
  • Gender: Female
Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #136 on: February 18, 2019, 06:40:03 AM »
I wish you calmness today at MC.  My comment might be way too late but here it is anyhow.

It’s hard to stay calm when talking about emotional stuff.  Control what you can.  Hand gestures, breathing and your posture can be controlled and they, in turn, can reign in your reactive responses. (Tongue is another matter...)  Sit back, relax your back and neck, keep your hands open on your knees, make sure they stay there.  Breathe deeply and slowly for a few seconds before you reply, if you absolutely have to reply.  It brought my anxiety down and got me out of ‘fight or flight’ reactions to H’s words during our convos.  It worked for me. 

Not sure about ‘we’ statement.  You can’t speak for your W and vice versa.  ‘I’ statements are preferred, I think. 

The fact that she burst into tears at your statement of the undeniable fact tells me that she sees blame and accusation in smallest things.  MY H was the same.  Saying anything to him that appeared to be correcting him about simplest fact was taken as a huge offence.  YOU CANNOT DEBATE WITH MLCER.  Full stop.  They don’t think.  They ‘emotion’. 

They lie.  You know it, I know it.  If it is inconsequential, I would let it go.  If you have concrete evidence to her lies that matters life and death to you, you can say your bit in a most diplomatic way possible.

Just my 2 cents’
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 134
  • Gender: Male
Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #137 on: February 18, 2019, 09:06:29 AM »
Thanks Music, Roo and Acorn. We're going to MC later this afternoon. I went to bed early last night, got in a good workout this morning, and am taking deep breaths through the day. Trying to be a zen master, lol.

Yes, I'll be biting my tongue and zipping my lip as much as I can. I will exercise my Miranda rights. I'll keep my expectations to a minimum and just hope that it's a positive experience for W and that it will maybe lay some groundwork for being able to talk about things when she's ready.

Thanks for following along Music! You're right about the Fool's gold. I've bought it before.

Roo - I'll go check out your update next! Your husband and my W do seem to be on a similar trajectory.

Acorn - thanks for the practical advice. Breathing, posture, hands on knees. And yes, W is wracked with guilt and gets offended by the smallest thing. It's like she's trying to even the score by making my inelegant statement of fact equal to what she did. ("I know I sent topless photos of myself to another man, but you told me I never tell you anything. How could you be so cruel?" <weeping noises>)

If I live to tell the tale, I'll post an update tomorrow!


"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6056
  • Gender: Female
Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #138 on: February 18, 2019, 09:58:27 AM »
I suppose the less you say, the less ammunition there is.
Hope it proves fruitful, PJ, and the HS army is there in spirit reminding you to follow Acorn's very good tips  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 134
  • Gender: Male
Re: Seems kind of mild in comparison, but it still hurts
« Reply #139 on: February 19, 2019, 07:56:53 AM »
So, W and I went to our first MC yesterday and I have it to say it went… pretty good. There were no breakthroughs, epiphanies, Hallmark moments or come to Jesus events, but it was the best and longest we’ve been able to talk about our relationship in years. Afterwards, W was OK (no tears) and was pleasant and “normal.” I suggested no relationship talks until next MC session and she agreed and seemed relieved. She likes our MC and wants to go back so we will. MC is sympathetic but insightful. She is married with two sons. W wanted a female counselor (no problem for me), so I got to pick which one and went with one who mentioned on her website that she believed in marriage (some MCs seem pretty loopy).

I stuck to my strategy of only speaking when spoken to and remaining as neutral as possible. Focusing on controlling my breathing and posture helped (thanks again Acorn!). W spoke about twice as much as me and I didn’t interrupt or correct my W when she said something ridiculous, which she did many times. Judging by the MC’s questions, it’s pretty clear she has a good grasp of what’s going on.

It turns out that the best way to demonstrate that W is in La-La Land is to let her talk.

MC gave us some homework on defining boundaries for opposite-sex relationships. W is still minimizing her EAs and playing the victim. I understand that the EAs are a symptom of her depression, but W isn’t ready to accept that yet. So until she comes to terms with what she’s done and faces the hollowness inside her that she’s trying to fill with OM, alcohol, spending, etc… , I think it’s too soon repair the damage. But, preventing more damage until she comes out of her fog seems like an OK strategy.

So, all in all, it went pretty OK for our first session. I’m feeling good. Another hurdle cleared and disaster averted. There's no way I could have been this neutral, detached and non-defensive even a couple of months ago, so I feel like I'm making progress at least. Onward!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk