[stayed]

You know Mae... sometimes we do No Contact for the wrong reasons.  We convince ourselves that we are giving ourselves some space and all kinds of things... but in fact, we are actually trying to teach our spouses a lesson.  We are hoping that they will see how much they need and want us, if they do not see us for a while.  It works too, at least it sort of does.  We

I say that because, then we turn around and have a "booty call".  We convince ourselves that we doing it for ourselves but again, we are not, we are trying to show our spouses how much them miss us.  What they are losing out on. Don't get me wrong, it is for ourselves as well, but subconsciously we are trying to teach them a lesson.

The worst part is, that when we do these things, our spouses come home, check us out... and then see that THEIR ANCHOR is still holding.  So off they go, completely convinced that they can go on like they are indefinitely.  Your h came home to make sure YOU were still where he left you... and guess what... he discovered you were right there... exactly where he had left you.  Waiting for him to come home.  Still loving him.

As long as they are confident that we will be there whenever they decide to return, there is no need for them to rush back.  Your h needs to be really WORRIED that he is going to lose you... but you know something Mae... you can't FAKE THAT!  You have to really, truly be willing to lose him and lose him for good.  That requires time, distance and detachment.  Stop the agony honey... and focus on Mae.  Leave him to it.

Hugs Stayed

[Mae]

Hello everyone,

Time for an update I think. After a couple of hard nights and struggling with contact/no contact issue with H....I have decided to keep in contact with H. I read something about holding onto things that are causing pain and have been processing this internally for a bit.....that and maybe a couple of days later have combined to allow me to feel more settled and in control again. Plus I can no longer get access to H's gmail account, he changed the password so I am blocked from trying to look at his phone pics which give me a glimpse into his life apart from me.....THIS is a great thing in fact....what I can't see doesn't hurt me and it removes the temptation to keep looking again and again and torturing myself. SO.....here's what happened today.

H came down for his doctors appointment....it went well I think and he has started on a low dose course for five days and then increasing after that. We will see how it goes. Did the blood test for everything too. He absolutely hates that he may have to be medicated...hates to even take a simple painkiller for anything. He saw the kids while I was at work....said it felt strange and awkward being at home....yes well this whole thing feels strange and awkward. We had a date for lunch and we talked a bit about everything I guess, how he was feeling, what it felt like to be depressed, his counselling, his work. He said that being home made him feel worse in many ways....maybe that is guilt and being ashamed as well as the depression. Anyway he had planned to stay the night but that all fell to pieces because he got agitated about it and I could see the 'flight' response in him. I said that's fine (I was disappointed, but not overly so). I asked him if he felt emotions like love for us.....he said definitely YES but that it was all 'mixed up with other stuff'....I asked "what other stuff?" and he said it was hard to describe, like buzzing or butterflies, or constant white noise...always in the background......I was kind of fascinated by the description. He also said it comes and goes, he said it had ramped up from this visit. He said that his mind feels cloudy and he can't think clearly or it takes him longer to process stuff at work.

Anyway the positives:

1. He is going to start medication (although he hates the very thought of it)
2. He looked much much better and sounded better apart from the 'flight response' I witnessed, as though being home was 'an overload' on his fragile mind
3. He is hoping to come home at some stage....(he looked at me to confirm that, which I did). I encouraged him to take all the time he needed and that I supported him being away and in his own space. I do not want him to come home anytime soon, I would rather he stay away and get well than come home and get worse.
4. He said he would come down again soon to see me/us.
5. He said he loved me very much.
6. I got a glimpse into his depression clouded mind
7. I felt a bit more connected to his life apart from us.

No negatives for me....even him departing so soon is not a negative as I see it as him trying to manage himself and keep himself stable.

It's hard to transfer my focus away from him back towards myself. But I'm going to do something for myself tonight...I'm going to treat myself to a movie and go watch Beauty and the Beast. Thoughts of going to the gym (which is what I would usually do) just doesn't have quite the same 'treat me' factor.

[Mae]

I just had a wonderful afternoon with D14. I told her I was off to see a movie and she insisted on coming so we decided to turn it into a movie slash retail therapy session....ok she did most of the shopping, so $300 later (ouch!) we came away with some essential purchases. New sports shoes for D14 for netball  and some calf socks. I got some more gym shorts and a top. Then off to the movies....we both enjoyed it immensely. What a great afternoon/evening and I didn't think of H once during that time. Thank you D14, she really has been my lifeline in all of this.....I really feel sorry for H, he is missing out on so much with D14.

So feeling great today. H is looking to return home, is in counselling (which he thinks is helping) and now on meds to manage his depression. I still have my six month plan in mind to work on myself....I feel a lot more confident and closer to Mae. Six months is also a good time frame for H to get sorted with his meds and get his depression and the root causes of his depression addressed. I have a great relationship with D14, out of all of this our closeness has been such a joy. Looking forward to getting out into my garden tomorrow and getting my lawns done.

Oh and I had to laugh (internally of course) at my H today, he asked me again what his budget was per week (our finances are separate) and I told him and he said 'oh that will be hard to manage if rent is $400 a week' and I'm like 'yes it will be, therefore find something that is not $400 per week, perhaps something that is  $300 or less is more realistic'....I have no sympathy for that predicament. If you can't afford $400 per week then find something less than that YA KNOW?? You know what else, less contact with H (planned a stayover but all he could manage was lunch with me and a doctors visit together) turned out to be just the right amount of contact for me. No mooning about afterwards, no checking my phone, just a great afternoon with D14 and a great weekend with family and in my garden to look forward to.

[hopeandfaith]

Sounding great Mae, your effervescence just bursts off the page.  Glad that you've had some lovely times with H and with D14.  I have a D15, D17 and S13 and they are great friends and great fun.

That is a good solid list of things to be grateful for and it really seems like your H is trying to help himself.  I think that's half the battle.  It feels like all the battle in my sitch.

To answer your question about how I cope regarding the OW's.  It's not easy.  I hate that they have all probably thought that they were more than they are and I hate to think of what he might have said to them that he also says to me.  Torturous really so I try not to think about it.  I don't feel threatened by them giving him something I can't.  I just see these gals as the many faces of 1 problem.  It is taking it's toll though and takes quite a bit of management.

[Mae]

Hopeandfaith, I'm always slightly amazed that not only you but many others are able to separate the infidelity and see it as an aspect or symptom of MLC. I've said before that I will cut H off if that happened....but you really don't know how you will react or what you will do until you are actually faced with that situation. I would be tortured endlessly by thoughts of what he would be saying/doing to OW, even just imagining that scenario is torture.

Hope things are going okay for you.

[Never say never]

Mae, following along on your journey.

[LearningIamOk]

Hi Mae! I lost you for a bit on here. I have linked your threads and locked the old one.

I am glad that you are finding your stride. I am glad that you and your D had a good time together. I am glad that your H is being proactive about his depression.

Please bear in mind that as he "finds" himself thru medication and counseling, his feelings may change towards returning to the M. He may decide you are the best thing ever, or he may decide that now that he is "well", this is not what he signed up for. I don't say this to rain on your parade, but to keep you vigilant and moving forward with your own life should this not have the outcome you wish and hope for.

Right now he still seems to be using a teenage brain. Not knowing what his finances are and such. I am happy that he can still say I love you. That's a good sign. Few on here get to hear that after they depart.

[stayed]

D14 sounds like a doll.  Great fun for both of you.  So nice that you have this sort of bond with your D. 

Hugs Stayed

[Mae]

Hi Mae! I lost you for a bit on here. I have linked your threads and locked the old one.

Please bear in mind that as he "finds" himself thru medication and counseling, his feelings may change towards returning to the M. He may decide you are the best thing ever, or he may decide that now that he is "well", this is not what he signed up for. I don't say this to rain on your parade, but to keep you vigilant and moving forward with your own life should this not have the outcome you wish and hope for.

Right now he still seems to be using a teenage brain. Not knowing what his finances are and such. I am happy that he can still say I love you. That's a good sign. Few on here get to hear that after they depart.

Oh thanks for linking up my new thread LIAOK and keeping me grounded with the possibility of H not returning. It's always half on my mind that it might turn out that way, but if that happens it truly is his loss, he has a beautiful house, a beautiful wife, beautiful kids, just can't fathom him willingly giving all that up but YUP moving forward, he will come find us or he won't.

Hi dearest Stayed and Never, thanks for coming along.

[stayed]

There is only one bit of advise I would like to pass on to you.  Perhaps this is completely out of line because I have no idea how you did or didn't handle the other two BD's.  There is a question we ask each other, frequently.  It goes like this.

Q:  What is the definition of insanity or stupidity? 

A:  Doing the same thing over and over and over again... and... expecting a different result!

I don't know what your last two separations were like and how you handled them.  I am only asking this question in the sense of " a word to the wise" sort of thing.  All I hope, is that you are not doing the same thing you did the last two times.  There is no need to be nasty and unkind, at the same time, there is a very fine line between being compassionate/empathetic and being "too understanding". 

Anyway, how's that netball coming along?

Hugs Stayed