[Mae]

LOL @ UM.....I feel so PRIVILEDGED that I have the famous UM emoticons on my very own thread....what a moment (flashing cheerleaders pompoms should be here). Love your comments too.

Anyways.....I'm pretty sure he's not planning an exit strategy. I had another bad night last night due to various reasons.....all H-related....that I bought on myself because I was.....you know....doing the thing you shouldn't.....no not that one  ....the one where you make assumptions. So last night I had to go to my second-to-last resort......the sleeping pill.....oh magic pill that brings me peace. Even after that I had to go to my very last resort when that wasn't enough. Yep I did it....a bit ashamed......I gathered up our big fat fluffy cat and hugged him to me under the blankets  the whole night.....or until I had loosened my grip enough for him to escape my clutches......got two flea bites for my trouble...but it was worth it! And this morning I dosed the cat with flea treatment.

Had a long morning conversation with H where I cleared up a lot of stuff around the FEA (Fantasy Emotional Affair). One thing I didn't say on this thread is that I messaged her and asked her if anything happened between her and H (I did it in a nice respectful way).....she is not an affair down BTW...she's young, gorgeous and seems genuinely nice. Know I shouldn't have done that but did it anyway...end of story. Not heard anything back.....fine....she's out of the picture. Anyway H told me she rang him to tell him that PLUS the fact (unbeknownst to me) that D14 had friendrequested her on fakebook. Oh dear.....H said a polite thank you to her and disengaged...so we discussed that this morning. I'm not going to say anything to D14 about it.......she will only get defensive and angry at her Dad and I'm trying to soften her up so that counselling goes a bit better next week. I told H that maybe like me she had unanswered questions about their relationship and just wants to know, maybe she is being my champion and making sure that evil OW is far far away from us...don't know but not going to stir up that hornets nest. So for me that's it FEA......get out of my thoughts and life!! I'm going to try and not bring her up in conversation even if it's with myself in my mind EVER again!

Got a busy busy weekend ahead.....mostly D-centered as always but also H-centered. No time for anything me-related unfortunately but that's ok. Maybe I will go off and see a movie by myself (there's an idea).

Feeling good today....was struggling a bit yesterday....at the gym I was making strange noises which could have been heard as work-out pain...but was really broken heart pain.

D14 had made a chocolate cake...very very delicious, I had more than one piece....and maybe more than two pieces.....ok ok I had FOUR pieces.....had to go back to the gym and do another session to work all the calories off.

Lots to get done this morning before I go to work.

[UrsaMajor]

Well drat. I had a whole long post written and I lost it.....

I'll redo it in the morning when I get on a PC again......

Mae, that was probably one of the funniest things I've read here in a long time......

[Savoir Faire]

Hi Mae,

Just to clear up the affair down stuff here is a link to an article. She IS an affair down BTW.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_dealing-with-infidelity_what-makes-the-alienator-an-affair-down.html

I was concerned that you found it necessary to get in touch with the OW to ask if anything happened.  In my case, I think the first affair my H had which was the EA was worse for me than the PA and any subsequent.  All affairs are emotional because the MLCer shares intimate information with the OW about us and their lives in general. The OW is used as a sounding board for their dissatisfaction and this type of sharing is an affair much worse than anything that happens physically between them.  If the affair was PURELY physical it would be better in my opinion as they are not sharing information that I know would cut me to the core.  If your H spoke to her about feeling terrible/old/trapped or whatever other rubbish they talk, it's the worst type of betrayal imaginable, I would rather they were being physical than discussing my faults.

If the OW told you she was not physical with him you can take it that they were discussing intimate things about his life and that is not ok. Most LBS's obsess about the physical affair but but put yourself in the same position and tell me what is worse - you having relations with another man or sharing intimate details about your H with him.  I know what hurts me most and it's not the physical.

[Mae]

Hi SF,

Thanks for the link. EA did not respond to my question in the end. From what I read my H was talking about food and exercise with her the whole time....NEVER how he felt emotionally or us. I think the fact they had both recently broken up formed a commonality between them, a basis to explore something else. I don't think he talked about me or the kids at all...he didn't share that with anyone I think except maybe BF....but I will ask about it. She didn't share anything personal either........their relationship NEVER got past talking about exercise and food and their mutual 'hotness'  as far as I can tell and then H realised it was a stupid thing to keep going. They were NEVER close EVER.....it's really laughable.....he shared NOTHING with her....the only thing I get upset about is the 'physical' aspect of him wanting to sleep with her and telling her how attractive and hot she was....so it was physically based .......I probably need to change FEA to FPA (Fantasy Physical Affair). He told me recently that they really had nothing in common, that she is into soy foods (he's a meat eater) and yoga......which he hates.

And you are right, for me an EA would probably hurt way way more than a PA....in the end what he had with her was neither.

[beyondblessed]

Mae, I truly hope you are right about your H just casually "chatting" with this fantasy OW...just remember not everything is always as it seems, and I am not trying to bring you down or lay blame where there may be none.  You'll have to forgive many of us here because 99% of us wore those same rose colored glasses and just could not EVER fathom our spouses behaving so callously.  Please just proceed with caution....and NO expectations at this point.  These MLC'ers are the kings and queens of causing pain and destruction.  I just want you to be prepared, if one can ever be prepared for something like that.

[Mae]

Thanks for the caution Beyond....it is well deserved. As we have seen many times over on this board the things we swear our spouses would never do are actually the things they ARE doing, have done and continue to do.

I remember saying to Stayed and others on my thread that I would SWEAR on my kids life there was no OW involved with my H.....well it was half true.....there was an acknowledged physical attraction....which never went anywhere and some sort of friendship that never went anywhere serious emotionally or otherwise either thankfully.

So she is out of the picture and has been for some time and now H is fully focused on repairing his relationship with D14 and coming home.

Their first counselling session is this afternoon, H is extremely anxious about it going well.

I am stepping back....I have been way too involved in trying to be the mediator/buffer/counsellor for both of them but actually they need to sort it out between them. I found myself trying to tell my H how to act and behave with daughter....um no, I need to butt out.

I also need to keep the focus on myself.....I found myself getting drawn back in to all the old habits of neediness and insecurity with my H as well as focusing on the stuff he did that was/is causing me pain. I am stronger than that, I don't want to be that person anymore, I do not like that person I am when I am with him....and I don't have to be. I like the me I am discovering.......more open, more self-aware, more patient, more independent, more confident.

Whoops time slipping away.....have to go.

[Mae]

So I am sitting waiting for H and D14 to finish their first counselling session. I can hear the counselor talking about lot, I can hear H, I can't hear D14.....she is not speaking much.

But this is only the first session.

[Savoir Faire]

Good luck, sending ((((((((Hugs))))))))

[Mae]

Well the good news is that the first counselling session is over and the next one set up same time next week. The not so good news is that D14 didn't speak very much....just sat there with poker face and little to say. I didn't have much to say after the session, I didn't poke and prod D14 about it....I just took her shopping afterwards.

[UrsaMajor]

I'm guessing that D14 is going to take some time before she is willing to trust her father again... (just a hunch here)

By not prodding and grilling her, you are establishing a "safe" place for her so she just might open up to you at some point... But, you are 100% correct that this is up to H to resolve - after all, it is his relationship with D14 that they are working on...

Staying out of it is the right thing to do...