[Mae]

Hi Stayed,

Thanks for posting as always you are right to issue a warning....it seems as though I am caught in a BD cycle with my H doesn't it?

However the first two times I did not recognise that H had depression....although I should have, his whole family on his mothers side have mental health issues. Neither did H recognise or admit to depression. Not sure how I could have missed what seems so obvious now.

So in not recognizing the depression, the underlying reasons/issues were not addressed. The depression eased, he came out of it and life resumed twice.

I am hopeful this round because H has admitted he has depression and is trying to manage/understand it through counselling and medication. So now we are aware we are caught in a cycle whereas previously we were unaware.

I am encouraging H to understand what external factors may trigger his depression and also what internal issues he may need to address.

He won't be allowed home until I am assured that he is capable of managing this illness without blowing the whole family up again.

I also need time apart for me and to give our relationship the best possible chance in the future, I think I need to give myself the best chance to grow and develop. I am in no rush for H to come home in fact the opposite is true, I want to go slowly, very slowly.

I may seem to be very accommodating with my H...that's true, I think I can afford to be. H has never monstered at me, blamed me or rewritten our marital history. H has been the most loving, supportive husband and father for 20 years, bar his two short depressive episodes and so for me he has practically unlimited funds to withdraw from the lovebank he has faithfully been putting deposits into over the years. I am being patient, kind and loving with him.....all true. I have indicated that yes he can come home. Does his return come with no strings attached? Definitely not. There will be strings.....a lot of strings...a whole orchestra of them probably.....and me I will be the steel string guitar then.

[stayed]

Dear Mae:

What you say makes perfect sense to me.  You seem to have a good understanding of what you are dealing with, or think you are dealing with.  You understand what was not addressed the first couple of times this happened.  I also, appreciate and trust you when you say you are not going to allow him to return, if you feel he is ONLY going to blow up the entire family again.

I love the fact that you are determined to focus on yourself.  To grow up, per say, it never fails to amaze me how we LBS's set aside who we were for our spouses. We need to understand why and how we think it is best for ANYBODY, most of all ourselves, to place ourselves DEAD LAST in the pecking order of the home.  We are not slaves, yet we seem to willingly throw ourselves into that role, and try to be all things to all people.  Need to figure that out! 

I also understand that this is a forum about MLC, so we tend to DISCUSS at nausea our depressed/wayward/MLC spouses.  To be expected.  My only wish is that with every single posting, we would talk about how WE are doing, what WE are doing, as much time as we give to our spouses.  Generally you are pretty good about telling us a little something about yourself but for the most part like all of us did, you tend to dwell mostly on your spouse. 

Thank you so much for not being offended or angry at my comments.  I hate always being the "nay sayer" but I honestly feel that somebody needs to say what they are thinking, plus I have actually seen and done the old, "STUPIDITY/INSANITY thing, three or 4 times actually, until I SAW THE LIGHT!

Hugs Stayed

[LearningIamOk]

Hi Mae. It does seem that you are handling things differently this time around. I hope with the changes you are making, it will cause your H to finally make it thru the Tunnel and stay out for good.

[Mae]

Stayed....you have been such a great support to me....I could never think ill of you or your advice. I appreciate every post you have written to me and I need to hear the warnings, the objective perspectives, the reality checks and I also need to feel the 2x4s when they are warranted too alongside the supportive, huggy, 'feel good' posts that are also provided.

I trust you, it's that simple as I trust my mentor LIAOK.

Learning......I have only two days left of being mentored by you, please check up on me now and again.

[stayed]

Oh thank goodness Mae, I hate wielding 2x4's... I just hate it.  It doesn't feel right to warn, somehow it feels "negative" and discouraging!  That is not my intent, at all and you seem to realize that. 


You are doing great.  The most important person is you Mae.  If you are happy, healthy and content, your entire family will be as well.  I was surprised when I realized what a little martyr I had become.  I didn't realize how unhappy I was in that role, until I shucked it.  I still struggle with wanting to be all things to all people, although I am so much better then I was.  The more I let go, the more content I find myself becoming. 


Becoming hard to find a pulse... hehehe... hugs Stayed

[Mae]

I was surprised when I realized what a little martyr I had become.  I didn't realize how unhappy I was in that role, until I shucked it.  I still struggle with wanting to be all things to all people, although I am so much better then I was.  The more I let go, the more content I find myself becoming. 

Becoming hard to find a pulse... hehehe... hugs Stayed

I am the same, trying to be superwoman all the time.....I feel like I am slowly shedding my old skin to reveal something new underneath. You nailed it though, the more I let go, the more content I am too....letting go of trying to control everything and everyone especially my H and his crisis.

I am beginning to understand the message of 'giving my H up to God'......I'm not a Christian so that image doesn't quite gel with me......it may be more 'giving my H up to the wisdom of the universe'....releasing him, stepping back and letting him continue on his way....but I am doing that in all areas of my life I think. I am being 'selfish' with my time, heck I am being 'selfish' period......putting myself first....I used to feel guilty doing this ....now I just feel good (the validation you get on the board for putting yourself first is great).

[stayed]

(the validation you get on the board for putting yourself first is great).

That is music to my ears.  When we understand what we need/want to feel whole, then it can't go anywhere but up.  You are sounding great Mae...

Hugs Stayed

[Mae]

It's such a wonderful day here, the sun is shining so bright and no work today as it's a public holiday. I have kind of a busy day, I know I need to get out into the gardens and then to the gym.

I'm feeling pretty content with my life right now and later on D14 and I are going to treat ourselves to a spa pedicure (they are devine).

GAL is going pretty well, I have a lunch date with my ex tomorrow (we are good friends) and have the next two weekends planned out looking after GS2.....somewhere in there my H will probably want to see me/us. D14 and I are away on an 8 night cruise with GD7 and GD5 in a couple of weeks....we are really looking forward to it although D14 is anxious about missing her rep netball trainings (she will miss three in total which is alot considering the rep season is quite short).

My H is also off for a short maybe five day visit overseas towards the end of May to see one of his very best friends that moved away a couple of years ago with his BF (the one whose couch he is sleeping on).....It will be a big 'boys' trip.....I'm sure they will have a great time.....I'm a little anxious about it (I will need to analyse why and I have some ideas).

I have been up since 5.30am in bed on HS site, I read through Noex's entire threads...all of them....that was so interesting, had a big cup of coffee in bed, then a big cup of tea with toast....all the while reading HS...I love this life. But sadly I need to get up out of bed....it's nearly 9am and I have to get this show on the road.

[LearningIamOk]

Mae, don't worry that I will abandon you just because of the mentoring time frame. I will, of course, continue to follow you.

Your cruise sounds awesome. I hope you have calm seas and good weather. I love cruising and haven't been on one for 4 years.

You are sounding really well. I know it's still sad in the background, but overall, you sound so good. I hope your H wakes up before you decide that it's not worth letting him back in your life and possibly have to go thru this a fourth time.

[No expectations]

Mae,

I feel so honored that you took the time to read through my threads!  Thank you 

It sounds like you have a lot of good things going on.  I love the idea of a cruise, I wish Mom felt good enough to go on one with me, I think it would do us both a lot of good!  Maybe next year... 

Aren't pedicures the best?  I love having them.  I used to not really enjoy them much, but I've been working hard on really living in the moment.  And I've gotten to where I just really get into the massage chair.  I wish I had one at home!  I probably would never leave the house though haha!

You do sound really good, Mae.  Keep on with your GAL, you've got it going on!