[No expectations]

Hi Mae,

Just to give you a little more insight, my H DID have an OW.  That's what forced the issue that led to BD.  It started as an EA, and then progressed to PA.  Along the way was BD (I'm not happy in M, we've grown apart, etc...the usual). 

I do think she's gone, but frankly, I haven't asked.  He is living in our old house, which we intended to sell.  I have not been in it for at least 6 months now, and have no desire or intention to go there.  If he has 65794726954 vestal virgins prancing around naked in there, I don't know, and I really don't care at this point.  If and when we get to a point of attempting R, then I will decide how I want to deal with anything going on.  But for now, we are separated, and whatever he is going to do, I can't control, so why stress on it?

You really do sound like you're doing well Mae.  Just prepare yourself, your H may be doing a lot of things that are out of character for him.  I would have bet my life that my H would have never cheated.  Good thing I didn't. 

[stayed]

You really do sound like you're doing well Mae.  Just prepare yourself, your H may be doing a lot of things that are out of character for him.  I would have bet my life that my H would have never cheated.  Good thing I didn't. 

How many naked virgins?  hehehe.  You make me smile No Expectations, you really do.   Also, you could have knocked me over with a feather when I discovered my h was CHEATING... omg, I never saw that coming. 

Sounding good my dears... very good!  I like the way all of you are FOCUSING on yourselves.  It is so good to see people that understand, this thing is all on our shoulders.  Whatever the outcome, if we fix/work on/help ourselves... we will be JUST FINE, whatever the outcome.  We can't fix anybody else, but we can bloody well rebuild ourselves into people we will be forever proud of.

Hugs Stayed

[Mae]

Hi Mae,

Just to give you a little more insight, my H DID have an OW.  That's what forced the issue that led to BD.  It started as an EA, and then progressed to PA.  Along the way was BD (I'm not happy in M, we've grown apart, etc...the usual). 

I do think she's gone, but frankly, I haven't asked.  He is living in our old house, which we intended to sell.  I have not been in it for at least 6 months now, and have no desire or intention to go there.  If he has 65794726954 vestal virgins prancing around naked in there, I don't know, and I really don't care at this point.  If and when we get to a point of attempting R, then I will decide how I want to deal with anything going on.  But for now, we are separated, and whatever he is going to do, I can't control, so why stress on it?

You really do sound like you're doing well Mae.  Just prepare yourself, your H may be doing a lot of things that are out of character for him.  I would have bet my life that my H would have never cheated.  Good thing I didn't.

Oh Noex, how did I miss that when I spent 3 hours reading ALL of your threads huh? I thought he got rejected by a young something at work?

I DO like how you are living your life Noex....your H is NOT the focus....although I think he tries to be.

Because my H had an EA with his group of friends I can see how OW would come about.....but NOTHING since, even when he went off for six weeks after BD#2....all he did was stay at his rental place, hang out with BF#2 and go to the gym.I think he is naturally very cautious how he interacts with women and I have never seen any back and forth texts between him and any other women apart from them being work related and I have checked over the years randomly.

Actually I don't think my H is doing anything out of character for him. He told me when he had first left us after BD to stay with BF he had one drunken weekend where he woke up at a workmates house randomly and had no idea how he got there....I think that scared him and soon after he cut back on drinking and now doesn't drink much at all cause I said it 'adds' to the depression and now he's on meds he's even more cautious about drinking. I honestly DO think that H is trying to work through his issues to get back home to me and D & S.

He got the 'love pad'  and he's moving in next Wednesday....the good thing is that it is no specified term, they will give him six weeks notice and he can give three.

I got a bit weepy at work today and at the gym....came home and was immediately settled again. Not much on this weekend, it's forecast to be rainy so I won't be in my garden or mowing the lawn. Have a busy day tomorrow driving D14 all over the place and have GS2 for an overnighter.

Stayed ~ How long from start to finish was your H's affair? I thought it was horrifying when he said he was coming home and finishing with OW then took off with her again. He must have looked back on that time and been totally ashamed and embarrassed over it.

[Savoir Faire]

That's a LOT of virgins in one place Noex!!  I would pay to see that many in one house   He would need a lot of stamina for so many women

Same here about the cheating.  When, as a couple we used to hear about someone cheating I used to thank God my H was such a good man with such high integrity, love me to pieces, and I KNEW I would never be in a place where I had to worry.  Looks like I was a little bit wrong about that one

Good thing I didn't have a very sharp knife when I found out about OW1, things may have been very different and I would have been a celebrity for all the wrong reasons.  I absolutely know how Lorena Bobbitt felt and why she did what she did to her H

[Mae]

I don't think there is any LBS on this board whose spouse was NOT involved with OP? (Bar me as far as I know)

[No expectations]

Mae,

The only one I know of is Thunder.

[Mae]

Ah Thunder, hopefully she will confirm.

[Savoir Faire]

There are quite a few MLCers who never had an OW.  Most are wallowers who stay at home but some never got involved with another person.  There was one guy who took up mountain climbing - they all need an addiction and not all are to OW's.  Some it's exercise, work, alcohol but they all have something to take away the pain - it's called REPLAY after all and they replay their young lives to get a better outcome They don't succeed.

What is the point of a midlife crisis if you aren't going to cheat   I think they all want someone but some don't succeed in getting a partner or they are too depressed or run out of steam to do so.  It's better if they do have someone, it makes the crisis but out faster and they have more to be sorry for in the end.

[Mae]

It's better if they do have someone, it makes the crisis but out faster and they have more to be sorry for in the end.


 I would really struggle with this.....I would never WANT my H to get OW so he could come out of his depression quicker. Doesn't OP actually distract the MLCer from whatever issues he needs to address OR is OP part of the replay behaviour associated with MLC?

[stayed]

Ugh... nothing ever completely vanishes on the internet, so WHERE do these posts we type up disappear to when they suddenly vapourize into thin air.  Uggh!!!! 

 I would really struggle with this.....I would never WANT my H to get OW so he could come out of his depression quicker. Doesn't OP actually distract the MLCer from whatever issues he needs to address OR is OP part of the replay behaviour associated with MLC?

I'm not sure if anything "helps/makes" them come out of this quicker!  There is nothing "normal" about this.  Seriously, who walks away from a 20 year relationship... or more.  That honestly does not make any sense.  When I think of a seriously "depressed" individual walking away from their best and most loyal friend, that perplexes me even more.  Wouldn't you think, somebody in that state would SEEK security rather then cutting themselves off from their main security blanket. 

Everything about this situation we find ourselves in, is "counter intuitive"!  Rational people would never walk away from somebody who has been devoted, loving and caring for many, many years.  Yet everyday, we have more men and women flooding this forum because their dedicated, loving spouse has SUDDENLY become a monster.  Ok, we all know it wasn't as sudden as we first thought, but dang, without a doubt, all of us were TOTALLY BLINDSIDED.  We all knew our spouse was not "feeling too good" but seriously, ENOUGH TO WALK OUT ON US... abandon us?  Hell no! 

I wish this forum had existed when this first happened to me.  It would be great having accurate documentation of events.  Instead, I am having to rely on my very "faulty" memory.  Thank goodness, time truly does DULL the pain... but wow, sometimes those flash backs can be amazingly real.  I'm amazed at how well most LBS's handle this nightmare.  Just very strong, devoted men and women who are determined to not let this thing DESTROY them.  Whether their spouse returns or not, our LBS's strive and succeed to give themselves back the lives they deserve. 

Oh yea, your question Mae...

Stayed ~ How long from start to finish was your H's affair? I thought it was horrifying when he said he was coming home and finishing with OW then took off with her again. He must have looked back on that time and been totally ashamed and embarrassed over it.

He did that 4 times Mae.  Yea... 4 times... ugh.  His affair started almost immediately following the announcements of our two oldest children's engagements.  Right in between the two weddings.  Somewhere between September 2003 and Dec. 2003.  I never got the exact dates.  Really don't want them.  For that matter, I don't remember the date, or even the month other then it was the fall of 2005, of BOMB DROP!  I could figure it out, but I have never done so.  I HONESTLY do not want to remember.  It is like a huge black hole in my life and I want it to stay that way.  I simply do not want to know.  His affair ended for sure July 5, 2006 when I returned to Luxembourg.  I actually believe he was still in touch with her, right up until I arrived back.  Not sure I would have returned had I known.

Mae, and all else who follow this thread, please just know that depressed people, be they are having an MLC or not....LIE!  I'm not sure why, but the need to lie and lie and lie, seems to be very strong in them.  It seems to add to their excitement and their distress, all at the same time. I don't think they can believe what a$$holes they have become, yet in some bazaar way, are totally loving being BAD! 

Hugs... Stayed