[No expectations]

Mae,

Just take it one day at a time.  Don't put pressure on yourself, don't let H put pressure on you.  I have done the same thing, it actually scares me to think my H is drawing closer, and that he may want to come home.  He hasn't said he wants to, but he has said he knows he'll be back "one of these days".  hmmmmm I don't know, I have to know I am strong enough to want to deal with that.  So for now, I invite him for dinner now and then, sometimes he comes and other times not.  And then he goes home.  I don't initiate any R talks, and so we only talk about things when he wants to, which is rare.  I'm okay with that for now, I don't feel the need to rush things.

I agree with Learning, only you can decide what you want to see to decide if H should come home.  He had the power when it came to leaving, now the power is yours.

I hope you get everything done so you can relax and enjoy your cruise!

[FaithWalker]

Hi Mae, just getting caught up and tagging along.

A couple of things.  I know it does no good to snoop, but it would be a possible red flag to me that H changed his email password.  What is so private that you shouldn't be able to see it?  That action does not speak as an H who is totally on the up and up, if you know what I mean.

To this day, my MLCer denies that there was ever an OW.  I feel that his relationship was at least an EA, but never have been able to confirm and he to this day is adamant that they were "just friends."  Their friendship ended a few days before our D was final.  I wouldn't be surprised if I found out that there was an A of some kind, but so far, no one is talking or admitting anything.

Coming along for your journey, Mae.  I agree, just take it one day at a time.

[Never say never]

Mae, I am following along with interest.  As I said before, our timelines are very similar, mine being 2008, 2012 and 2014.  From what I am reading, you are putting way too much pressure on yourself in trying to decide what to do.

First of all, you should go on your cruise and give your mind and body a break.  You so deserve that.  Try to get away from reality (like our spouses do,) and make this all about Mae.  You will have time for reality when you return.

When you do return, you will just have to do what you feel is best.  Don't worry about what your husband is saying he "wants" to do.  This is your gift of time and you need to use it wisely.  You don't have to make any decisions now.  When the time is right for decisions, you will know it.  You do hold the power.

I didn't think I could detach, but one day, it was just there.  I accepted it and now I feel so much better.  You can't "force" yourself to make a decision.  It will just happen when it happens. 

If your husband is really sincere about wanting to come back home and make things right, he will wait for you until you are ready for him.  You deserve the best, and he needs to earn you back.

Enjoy your holiday cruise.  Hugs.  xoxo

[Mae]

Never.......how is it you come up with this great advice??? That is excellent advice.....which I am going to follow, I especially liked the bit where you said to use my holiday FOR a holiday....as if that isn't the most obvious thing to do to ..me I was going to use it to 'think about a future R with H'......but I'm already doing that....so you are right, time to 'switch off' and enjoy my girls and having nothing to do except rest, relax and EAT....and then go to the gym to expend all those calories.

You are also right....I just need to 'trust' myself to make the right decision for ME when the time is right....no need to feel pressure or rush into a major decision.

Noex.....I can tell that you love your life right now and a wallowing H has nothing that you would want. Yes one day at a time.....don't know why I was putting pressure on myself.

Faith .....my ex changing his password was because I logged in on another computer, so he received an alert that someone was trying to log on from another device so naturally he changed it as a result. His email was just a place to hold his pics from his phone....nothing at all incriminating.

Seeing H for the first time in a couple of weeks tomorrow and  he invited himself home for the night....we'll see, I half expect him to do a runner after a few hours. Anyway taking a leaf from Steelspine I want to focus on just 'listening'......I'm not going to talk about the future (I don't anyway) or his depression, or try to grill him about what he's thinking or feeling.....I need to give us both a break about those things. I'm keeping it light and friendly and I'm putting him to work if he comes home, he can help me (i.e. do most of ) my outside work, the lawns need a mow again before we go on holiday.

[Savoir Faire]

I agree you need to take a holiday and for it to be just that - time for you to recharge your batteries and not make decisions about the future.

I read where you said you did everything for your H and didn't engage with others much and it may be really good for you to take a book with you on your holiday.  There is a great one called Co-dependent no More by Melody Beattie and it is one that H was given by a psychologist at the beginning of his crisis - idiot psychologist!!  H just used it to find an excuse to run    It teaches detachment and how to look after yourself and gives lessons on what to do.  I think it would be great for you to get a different perspective and stop being a fixer, like most of us are

When you come back, you'll be a new woman, ready for your H and his madness.

[Mae]

Yesterday H came down for a visit and to watch our D's first sports game of the season.....D's team got well beaten. D14 and H have a fractured relationship. H loves D very very much but his running away in 2013 did some severe damage to their relationship and it has been uneasy ever since. When he left earlier this year, D shut him out of her heart. Meanwhile her and I have drawn very close. D14 also has a boyfriend who has started to stay over while H has been away (you can infer the rest).....I am not happy about that at all but  that horse has bolted and there's no going back unfortunately. My D also is very independent, very mature and strong minded......I knew the best tact to take with her as regards her boyfriend (whom to be honest I love as part of the family) is to make sure she is looking after herself and keeping safe (which she is).

Last night when I broke the news to her father about D's relationship with her boyfriend in the car on the way back from seeing a movie all hell broke loose. He was ropable, and extremely upset.....he wanted to do all sorts of nasty things to D's boyfriend (he wouldn't).....at one point he tried to blame me...but I shut that down straight away. We arrive home and I tried to advise hubby just to let it go, to not go into the situation all guns blazing and warned him that tact with D would make their relationship even worse.

D was of course home with BF. To give credit to H all he said is that he wanted to talk with BF alone in a calm voice. After that it quickly went downhill because D was having none of it. Everything came out and I mean EVERYTHING.....all D's hurt and anger......I had a fair idea of her heart and I was right. The discussion with the boyfriend never took place because D wouldn't let it.....she was practically sitting on her bf screaming at her Dad that no discussion was taking place. It was SO sad to hear D's hurt and it was sad to see H trying to be a father, trying to re-establish that parental role and D shooting him down at every turn. The back and forth was painful......there was a lot of hurt and resentment on both sides....from H it was how hard he works for the family, leaving early and returning late so he could provide a lovely house and lifestyle for D....she countered that with acknowledging it but also saying that that was his job as a parent. He tried to play the parent and father card, she countered that he had no right since he had left and that her life was her own, she was making her own decisions and looking after herself fine thank you very much.....she pointed out that her grades at school were very good (and they are) and that she is managing school and her various sports commitments, she was coping with a lot of things, being a teen, hormones, him leaving, school, sports, being there for me (what a load on her young shoulders)....and she was fine.....she was not going off the rails and how dare he come in and try and tell her what to do. He tried to pull this is my house trick and what I say goes.....yes he went there........she said she would go live with her nana or her grown sister.....a lot of old hurt got brought up.......and then S18 with his GF arrives home and walks into the middle of that sh!t storm......and becomes embroiled in it. Seeing our Son listening to his sister going off in his mind on one of her tirades (they have had a few shouting matches between them) and seeing his father at the end of it whom he still has a very good relationship with and who is more understanding of his dad's depression....was very hard. Son tried to defend his father and tried to get me to intervene.....I was never going to intervene, son wanted me to 'take sides' against D14 who was shouting at her dad to 'go away' and to 'go home' (and her home and his home weren't the same place in her mind).....it broke my heart to see son's pain for his Dad....it broke my heart to see us all in pain, to see our family so broken and hurting. A lot of D's pain is of course for H's abandonment of me too.....she defended me so stoutly my little warrior princess, she was so fierce, screaming at her father 'what have you got to be depressed about, you have the best wife, the best family.....you have absolutely no reason to be unhappy'. She said 'my mother is the best mother in the world, I tell everyone that....she works her arse off for this family and you're not here....mum and I are fine, we don't need you...'

I tried to comfort S18, H also tried to comfort him by saying that it was alright, that son didn't have to defend him. Their relationship at least is fine. They hugged. In the end D said either H was leaving or she was leaving......H decided to leave. S18 was so hurt, all he could see was his Dad's isolation and as he termed it 'being kicked out of the family', he said he was disappointed that I wasn't defending his Dad and taking his side.....I said I wasn't taking sides because it was their relationship and that these were the consequences of H's choices....he couldn't see  that. I said Dad knows that I love him and want him home....son said "you should have supported Dad more."

Needless to say last night was a bad as it could be for my hurting family we were all in tears, every one of us. H left......son was very worried he was in no fit state to drive and ran out to make sure his dad was ok. D cried and cried for a long time afterwards.....I am very glad her BF was there for her. H called me half an hour later.......I can only imagine his loneliness, isolation and grief. He had stopped about 10 ks out of town....we talked for a long time. He said he wanted to come home and I said he needed to be whole and well before he could come home, that he needed to understand himself, to get himself healed and then come home and work on healing his relationship with his family. He was able to disclose that he was trying to deal with his issues in counselling....so a lot is happening on that front which I hope will help him.

One thing that I was reminded of was that H was always seen as the disciplinarian....while I got to be the caregiver.....and I have to apologise about that, it isn't fair that he has to be the 'bad cop' all the time and I get to be the good one.

All this on the eve of our holiday.....it is no good plus there is a cyclone in the works exactly in the area where we will be cruising into this week. I'm not sure how much of an impact this will have on our holiday but it sure seems as though my family is moving from one severe storm to another. 

Oh yeah and H came home sporting what looks to be a beard....(I hate beards and he knows it).....D said 'what's up with him....he looks like a homeless person'......in some ways her description is apt....my H is adrift and cut off from his 'home' which is here with us his family. He should never have left........his need to leave, to be alone was all encompassing at the time....and now that he has left, all he wants to do is to come home again.......all that is so precious to him he walked away from.....he should never have left.

[1phoenix]

Mae,

Maybe your holiday cruise will take you to a new exciting port you can not even think of now....oh what wonderous possibilities!!!!

Keep your head up, keep swimming!

Hugs
1P

[FaithWalker]

So sorry to hear about the fight.  Family dynamics in a normal relationship and marriage are hard.  Add in MLC crap, and family dynamics can be off the charts hard.  Hang in there Mae.

[BlueBird3]

Wow Mae.  Wish my D14 could do the same as yours....I know she wants to, maybe her therapy will help her get there.  But, my D14 is a peacekeeper, so she will continue to bottle up her emotions concerning H.  Both of our H's did nothing to repair their relationships with their D's.  I have told him, you broke it, you fix it, I'm not smoothing anything over....this was his doing.  He finally gets it, and is finally making an effort with them.

Have an absolutely amazing holiday!!!!  Enjoy this time with your precious girls!  Wishing you all the best!

[LearningIamOk]

Mae, I am sorry for the "rumble in the jungle", but everyone has opinions on things including D14 and S18. They are both entitled to their feelings and opinions. Both are valid. I am sorry that your H was hurt, but as you stated, his actions have consequences. Her feelings about his actions, he will have to deal with. Her pain is just as real as his is.

I applaud you for not jumping into the fray. You are absolutely correct that this is between your D and H.