[Savoir Faire]

The counsellor will get her to open up in her own time and will give your H a chance to dig his own grave well before going in and showing him his faults.

D14 will be feeling much better after a few sessions as she has nothing to be sorry for and her father has quite a lot

[Mae]

Thanks UM.....yes you are right...I need to be the 'safe' place for D14 and not pressure her with my expectations, so thanks for that insight.....will keep my nose out of it.

SF ~ Yes that is what I also expect of the counsellor.....that he will draw D14 out over time...it's reassuring to hear your assessment....cause it makes me anxious and a little stressed that D14 and H may never get their relationship back on track.

I've been involved in some S&M goings on lately....no other party involved of course....a party of one...self-flagellation at it's best. Revisiting the pain over and over, getting hurt and angry and being hugely annoyed at myself for those feelings.....and then......Barbie posted on someone's thread and it was all about how hurt and angry she was ONCE the reconciliation process had begun with her H and how it lasted for two years....TWO YEARS.....and I was slapping myself silly after just two weeks. So her experience validated what I seem to be currently going through......so THANK YOU Barbie! There is no reason to feel 'annoyed' at myself that I'm still feeling hurt, betrayed and angry. I am 'allowed' to feel that way, I am 'allowed' to question my H repeatedly until I am satisfied. I did that tonight.......we went through the whole FPA/FEA thing again....he was very open, answered my grilling as best as he could, was patient, was not defensive.....so I feel 'satisfied' for now. I think I stated that I wouldn't bring it up again in conversation with H or let it occupy any headspace.......I'm realising that these things take time to process, it's not like a check-out counter, scan it once and it's done....these hurts may need to be scanned a few more times to put them into 'perspective'.

[Savoir Faire]

This is a really difficult time for you Mae and you need all the time you want to process, ask questions and completely lose it if you like.  You are completely entitled to feel hurt and angry but be aware of being a fixer for your H or your D, it is their relationship to mend and not yours and if your D decided never to talk to her father again, so be it, not your fault.  I doubt that will happen but concentrate on you and do all the things you did during MLC and protect your heart.

Anyone who is reconnecting tells how hard it is and I do understand on one level.  There is as much emotion in re-conection as in MLC replay and no-one expects you to do this fast or hold back any emotions you may need to get out. 

Do all of this in your own time but keep positive, stay away from the news broadcasts or any people who drag you down and watch comedies and uplifting movies, take walks and do things that make you feel good to keep your spirits up for the bad days you may face.

I am told it is all worth it, it had better be.....

[Mae]

Yes SF....I was trying to be the 'fixer' of my H's and D14's relationship and that is not my responsibility so I will continue to take one step back, then another and another and keep my lips zipped!

Unfortunately I am not able to 'protect my heart' as others are able to do and have low expectations. I now have high expectations of my H but also of myself. My heart is once again open and loving to him, but I would like to think it's a heart that knows life can be great without him.

I also like your comment to keep positive and do things for myself. Very busy day/s ahead workwise, need to get through this week.

[Never say never]

Mae, as everyone else has said, there is nothing wrong with your relationship with your daughter, and that is all you need to worry about.  She is old enough to figure out how/when she wants to forgive her father.  He has hurt her bad and he is the person she is supposed to be able to trust.  My daughter was devastated when her father disappointed her.  Lay low on that one. 

I just wish you could protect your heart a little bit more right now and not have such high expectations.  I am so happy things are going in a positive direction, but I just wouldn't want to see you getting your heart hurt once more. 

I wouldn't look for anything or ever call the OW again.  You are better than that.  Hopefully, she is totally out of the picture.  She will only get pleasure by you, the wife, trying to reach out to her.  Stay away from danger. 

Fingers crossed for only good stuff in the future for you!!!!

[Mae]

Hey Never,

Yep OW totally out of the picture......she is NOTHING to me and I actually laugh at their pitiful short-lived friendship.....(once I got over crying about it that is) apparently she is trying to get back with her ex.....don't care.

Generally advice from most quarters is for me to protect my heart, set low expectations etc.....I then go and do the opposite.

While processing all of this I remind myself of the four agreements and the one I hold onto the most which fits just about every situation in which I perceive that I have been 'hurt' by my H's actions is the one about it not being personal. H's messaging with FEA/FPA,  removing his wedding ring, kissing random girls.......none of it should be taken personally.....had nothing to do with me....so why should I be hurt by it? I'm still fascinated by his thought processes as he was doing these things though but in a detached way......I can discuss it with him now and not feel as though it was done to deliberately hurt me because it wasn't.

Rambling a bit now. Got time on my hands. I've parked up at McDs on their free WIFI while D14 is at her sports practice. Sometimes I may run around the courts for exercise but tonight I thought 'mehh' and ate a cinnamon muffin instead....delicious.

Doing great day-to-day. D14 and I are going from strength-to-strength although she has a way of finagling all sorts of expensive things out of me! Yesterday after the 'not so good' counselling session she managed to extract new clothes and a large bedroom mirror....full length so she could admire herself.

Other news is that H and I have set a date for his return home in three weeks time from Sunday which would take his return to the beginning of July....hopefully by that time the great thaw would have begun.

[Savoir Faire]

Sounding good Mae.

The date you two have decided on, I hope it's YOUR date and not his because of excuses he has for making it happen.

It's really important that you control this and are certain you are doing the right thing at the right time?

[Mae]

Date is a mutual agreement......three weeks is the time he has to give notice for the apartment and also hopefully three more counselling sessions with D14 (soon to be D15)....so perhaps they will be a bit further along in terms of repair.  H suggested it and explained his reasons and then he asked for my agreement and input.

Thanks SF for following along and the support....I've noticed you doing a lot of that recently and it's great because I get a lot out of your posts including those posted for others.

[1phoenix]

Mae,

You are getting there!   Just want to offer you some support to know that we are rooting for you.  Take your time.

1P

[Savoir Faire]

Thanks Mae

I have been here a long time and think you are doing a great job of this.

Keep remembering how important you are in all of this and Your H has to do most of the work to get you back and not the opposite.  As I read on another thread, we are the lighthouse for the MLCer and the lighthouse guides the way back and warns of danger but doesn't fix things and it's important to remember that.

As women we often think we have to put all the effort in and in the end it's the MLCer who needs to be fanning us while feeding the grapes and champagne, not the other way around.