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Author Topic: Discussion General Questions

s
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Discussion General Questions
OP: April 15, 2017, 07:06:17 AM
I wanted to create a new thread for people who just want some quick advice without it getting buried in their story,
I am 22 months into this, had 2 false returns. H filed for divorce last year with ridiculous requests such as no child support. I hired an attorney. After months of no movement on the divorce,  his attorney is sending a proposal by Monday. He began reconnecting with the kids the past 4 months and going back to old habits, we are separated for a year. My question is, his attorney will send a proposal, if it sounds reasonable, what are my options? Can I delay the divorce or should I just agree if we come to a reasonable agreement. What happens if I do nothing with his divorce proposal?
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« Last Edit: April 18, 2017, 04:21:28 AM by OldPilot »

p
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Re: General Questions
#1: April 15, 2017, 07:11:07 AM
From my understanding, (others can correct me if I'm wrong) you have the right to make sure that proposal is to your liking.  Your attorney will help you with this.  If you do nothing with it, the courts can go ahead and proceed with the divorce without you and they could go ahead and grant it.
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:(
Me 53
H 58
No kids
known each other 29 years
Married on 10/19/1991
BD 2/18/17

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Re: General Questions
#2: April 15, 2017, 07:25:05 AM
I agree with pacasam's answer.

You can't stop them from divorcing you, even if you drag it out.
Accepting this all you can do is protect yourself.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

V
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Re: General Questions
#3: April 15, 2017, 07:31:12 AM
OM, I would treat it like the "real thing," even if you sense that perhaps he will not follow through. To that end, I would ask for exactly what you want and would need if you do split up.

I'm not trying to scare you, but if you read Watcher's thread, his wife seemed to come completely out of it, and then returned to some spectacularly shocking MLC behavior.

So, number one, protect yourself even in the eventuality of a divorce. Also, another thought, he may want a divorce but still want to reconcile. I have noticed many MLCers act like literally two different people with different goals. Try to treat the divorce and reconnection as two separate events, as bizarre as that may sound.

From what I have observed on the forum, the very clingy ones often will not follow through with the divorce. He may have gotten the ball rolling but may not be the one to complete it, or will drag it out himself.

i am getting a divorce initiated by my MLC-H. Although it is going to be finalized, he has created delays for almost a year and has still not turned in all the required supporting documents. And he is a lawyer.

Big hug to you. I am really glad to hear your husband has taken so many positive steps.
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s
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Re: General Questions
#4: April 15, 2017, 07:52:51 AM
I really appreciate the feedback. He got the kids a bouquet of roses last weekend for a school event they had. The kids are 6 and 5. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, anytime he starts to act a bit like his old self, he usually does something to push the divorce. I would of agreed to the divorce a while ago, its just losing that shred of hope for the kids to have a family unit, traveling together, eating together. I can see the dissapointment my daughter feels that we are not a "family." H can't even look my way or even say Hello, its unfortunate the kids will not experience the feeling of having a mom and dad waiting for them at home after school each day, traveling together. Daughters need an example where their father shows their mother love and respect so they know what to look for when searching for a life partner. I know that I will be fine and I have a busy an active lifestyle, it's the loss my kids will suffer that kept me holding on..
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« Last Edit: April 15, 2017, 08:09:22 AM by OceanMist34 »

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Re: General Questions
#5: April 15, 2017, 01:45:09 PM
Disclaimer:
This is my reply based on MY situation...

My H went to see a solicitor about divorce December 2015 (after being confessing to OW in July - BD being April 2015).

I did extensive research into MLC, infatuation hormones/brain chemicals etc.
My H was seen as one of those who was self aware (having articulated foggy thoughts and always saying he loved me and OW was nothing)

Its a long saga of delays, mainly me delaying because H asked me (OW has a big hold on him) and although some of those delays have been from him, most have been from me, hoping he was going to 'wake up' or the infatuation chemicals etc meant he had more clarity....

Since November he had made more contact (every 2 weeks -prior I purposely left him to contact me and we went months ) he still out of the blue signed the consent order (financials) February 10th , despite telling me on 14th I was his valentine!!

But this time, when I found out a week later I didn't contact him at all, no emotional messages or texts and so he came to me............very very upset,

I have documented our conversations which shows his flawed thought processes and confusion..

But it made me realise you really cannot trust them or believe what they are saying or what your seeing..
because it changes.


IMO ocean, you need to see real consistent ACTIONS, not words
because they (MLC'ers) cycle and boy do they cycle!!

My H has also been a bit manipulative through his MLC (he wasn't before)
I now realise the weeks after he signed the last papers, it was very elaborate anchor checking....something I didn't think he was ever capable of before this.

I don't know your whole story Ocean, I don't know if there has been an AP.

But if there is/has, be very wary, because I am reading a very good book atm about the chemicals involved in infatuation/chemical addiciton and I totally believe the AP is an addiction.

I use to say they are cocaine with a pulse, (my H was an ex coke addict, so I knew a bit about it) but after reading this book, I now wonder if the AP is more like heroine.

Why does this matter?
because its a slightly different hook..I will explain at some point on my thread.

But whatever the 'drug', when they are in crisis and not wanting to really acknowledge what they have done, then it means they will do whatever is necessary to keep their old life there and that means dipping in and out of their addiction, hence why my H has become manipulative when this is not normally him.

I hope your H is making genuine moves forward and examining and facing what he has done, but I would urge caution and I would separate the legal stuff from what he is doing because you have to try, (and I know its hard) to not make decisions on the person he was and more on the person he is now, because he has a long way to go to be the person he use to be.

Also regarding the divorce and again this is my view of MY situation but I realised by "helping" him delay things I was enabling him to stay stuck.
My H is a huge people pleaser and its my view in MLC 'they' (MLC'ers) become extreme versions of themselves....
So H was trying to placate OW and realised, because I had made every effort to be compassionate and understanding that he thought he could do anything to me and I would always be there.................

AND in my situation my H's OW is a BP and I believe (given her previous history) she is a limerent addict and so by "preventing" her from having H I was feeding her addiction...

So in my case it was better to step aside.

That's not to mean I will speed things up, but I will answer every one of H's solicitors letters within a few days.

And Iwill protect myself and my home because I just cannot believe in anything my H says to me any more.
I believe he loves me BUT he is unreliable and working on skewed emotions
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Re: General Questions
#6: April 15, 2017, 06:25:30 PM
   I am 27 months into this after bd. H has been living with his ow for a year now. In that year we have had 8 months of nc and a face to face last august. He said he wasnt happy,didnt desire her and wanted to work on us. We slept together. After a month of this he vanished again. Completely abandoning us in every way. 6 months of nc again and then the court gets involved and he starts reconnecting with the kids again. After 2 years of threatening divorce he finally did in february. He has been having once a week visitation with d12. He told her last sunday that the ow found his lawyer for him. That tells me that she is pushing for this divorce. He also told her that he promised himself that he would never step foot in our house again on account of what happened between us last august. Am i wrong to think that he stillhas feelings for me?  Does it sound like the ow is demanding that he do this because he told her what happened between us?
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s
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Re: General Questions
#7: April 15, 2017, 06:41:49 PM
MLCers are weak, they allow themselves to be controlled. In your situation, I would say be nice to your H so he starts to see this OW was not worth it, she has to control him to keep him away from you, what more do you have to lose. The fact that he has to stay away from you means his OW is scared and trying to control him, by you going NC she is definitely benefiting, I would say be nice, independent, and self confident around your H.
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« Last Edit: April 15, 2017, 06:48:17 PM by OceanMist34 »

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Re: General Questions
#8: April 15, 2017, 07:00:44 PM
      I am nice when i answer the phone but he immediately asks for d12 and i give her the phone. Other than that there is nc between us. When there is contact i let him intiate it.  We dont even dicuss d12 with each other. His choice.
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K
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Re: General Questions
#9: April 15, 2017, 07:20:04 PM
I find this script too. My h is reconnecting with the kids also but just in feb. the d went through. I stalled it but h never did a whole lot about it. His lawyer pushed the most and then the judge said it was on his docket too long so he divorced us right on the spot without an agreement. We had to go back a few days later.  But get this. On the day we were getting a d h told me of a story of a couple who got remarried after a d. ( maybe ow gave h an ultmatium because they were coming up on their two year mark). But then in the next sentence h said i hope i find my soulmate. Its like  they are saying things that get you beleiving they are coming out of it then bam they say one more thing and it  twists around eveything they just said. I do think too that by holding back on the d it stalls them. After we were d, h text me that night and asked how i was. I did not respond( sometimes i wish i had now) so by this text i knew he was messed up. A couple days later h said his head was fd up before the d and now its even more fd up. I said well it was your choice and he agreed and said he made his bed and now he has to lay in it. Is ow still in the pic. ?  Yep.  He gave everything up for what? He has said many times it has nothing to do with ow . Well thats the way it looks and i just dont think he knows how to give her up . Last july he said that they both knew they shouldnt have gotten involved with each other. He said it went too far. He said he didnt want to hurt her but felt bad for hurting me.   Thats the sick part. He knew her at that time for one year and a half but knew me since 15.   Wtf and he cares more about her then all of our life, history children. Oh.  The poor ow who goes after a married man . Ya i can see why someone would feel bad for hurting her.    She knew what she was getting into . It makes me sick
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