[Donewiththis]

I've heard that it's possible to get stuck in the tunnel and never emerge. It's been 5 1/2 years since BD, add a year leading up to it and I'm going on 7 years since this nightmare began. H came home for 2 years and it seems like it started all over again. The difference this time is that he says he loves me, he just can't live with me (feels he can't live up to my "standards") so he moved out . Seems he's back to creeper status on various dating websites, drinking, etc. I'm beginning to wonder if this will ever end, if he's "one of those" who stays stuck. It's so hard to know where he's "at".
'

[maomina]

Yes it is possible unfortunately it could be that he still has foo issues   

As for ex h trying to turn ow into you I believe they try to recreate what they had out of guilt it will not work obviously. My ex ow is my total opposite and it's most probably cause he wants nothing to do with me and the kids due to either guilt ir cause there really was nothing between us on his side ! Many tell me that it's impossible for my ex to have mlc due to a failed marriage and addicts  . I do remember him regretting all the time he lost with me due to his habit but instead of trying to fix what he did to us he caused more damage and instead left us facing all the consequences  ....In all this he's become a true narc!
Ex also wants to believe that ow gave him peace and a new life and he does not want to look back at what he left behind as he did everything in his power to push me away !

[kitty133]

I am trying to figure out whether I was married to a closet narcissist or whether he is going through an mlc and narcisstic traits are coming out due to his crisis. How do you distinguish between the two? I have read that people in mlc abandon their families and that narcissists devalue and discard. There were 2 bd's in my marriage where my husband turned into a completely different person and gave me the silent treatment and said he wanted out. Fast forward five years and now I know he was having an affair during this time with a co worker 16 years younger than him. I just don't know if he has a personality disorder or he's going through a crisis or both? Can anyone shed some light on this?

[Reallytrying]

Kitty - my thoughts on this are that if someone was a narcissist or a true personality disorder you would know before now. People with personality disorders don't hide those traits because they are who they are - especially narcissists. They think other people are the problem so no need to Mack their behavior. If these behaviors are foreign to your spouse then I think it's a phase or crisis.  Doesn't mean they didn't have some narcissistic traits - but many people do that does not mean they have a full-blown personality disorder.

[kitty133]

Thanks RT! Is the silent treatment common in mlc?

[needinput]

He said he didnt want to hurt her but felt bad for hurting me.   Thats the sick part. He knew her at that time for one year and a half but knew me since 15.   Wtf and he cares more about her then all of our life, history children. Oh.  The poor ow who goes after a married man . Ya i can see why someone would feel bad for hurting her.    She knew what she was getting into . It makes me sick

I just read this post and had to comment and get others' opinion.
At BD, my H said that he feels bad for OW. One year and a half post BD he still feels bad for her saying she has problems, she is poor, her cousin died of cancer. He has empathy for everyone but me. When I told him that I have now anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and losing my identity, lost my cousin to cancer, he justifies it by saying "I understand but you are strong", "you don't need me, you are independent", "you have always been this way", "your body always reacts to stress this way", etc. He has absolutely no concern for me because I am strong, but shows concern for others because they are weak? Sounds like a "knight in shining armor" syndrome to me. Is this common? I got the impression MLCs have no empathy for anyone reading through the stories with them leaving their children. Thanks everyone.

[needinput]

Thanks RT! Is the silent treatment common in mlc?

In my situation, very common. My MLCH gives me the silent treatment or a one-word or one-sentence response with as few words he can use. Even when I wish him happy birthday, no response. When he needs something and I give him the silent treatment, he doesn't like it. I dont contact him often though. I let him do that when he is ready. Sometimes I do it just to check and gauge his emotional state because he is a vanisher.

[strongFaith34]

We know and recognize that the MLCer is not the person we once knew, how is it that the MLCer can act almost completely normal and like their old selves with kids and work?
I am 2 year in and H went through 1 year of rarely seeing the kids, and monster towards me. In the past 6 months, I notice that he is his old self when interacting with the kids. He is like a Santa dad but now that I think about it, I did all the raising the kids and he would just play with them so really no different than before.
 I'm just curious if these MLCers are their old selves with everyone else except the ones who were close to them before BD?
If I asked anyone a year ago about H, they would say they know  something is off but if I ask anyone now; they say he is just like the old H. As our divorce deadline gets closer, he has become just like the old H with kids.
With me, still doesn't greet me, always looks down or hides.

[1phoenix]

The spouse is always the last they reconnect with.  Hang tough OM.

[pacasam]

Ok, I'm not trying to be stage obsessive here but am trying to figure out how my H is progressing.  A little history first  Grumpiness 11/16 through 12/16.  BD was 2/18/17 and he was a total monster at that time.  Personality totally unrecognizable projecting and blaming.  He pretty much remained that way for a couple of months.  Saw him 5/6/17 and he was monstering that day actually in front of a co-worker at our old house...H was having a yard sale and he was actually trying to sell some of my stuff that I hadn't picked up yet.  I suspect after I left the co-worker said something to H about his behavior because it was extreme as in he ran out to the end of the driveway and got nasty.....he usually doesn't run anywhere much less get nasty (monster has only brought out nasty).  Reason why I think co-worker said something is because the next day was a touch and go and H was almost apologizing for the day before.  We did go out to eat this day and his eyes were very shifty like he felt he was an open book and someone was going to attack him.
Next time I saw him was may 27....monster was still there although not exposing himself, only I could see the monster because I know my H.  Could also see him evaluating a puzzle piece from approximately age 27/28.  He says he remembers having the shifty eyes a few weeks before but doesn't remember what was going through his head at the time but could definitely see my point on my impression of what he was possibly thinking.   By this time he's lost too much weight and his normally long cheeks (he has native american indian (cherokee) in his background) are looking hollowed out to the point of looking totally sucked in. 

Ok hadn't talked to nor seen H until today..... spoke w/him on phone and as I've said this is the first contact since 5/27.  He says on phone today, he feels totally disorganized and that he knows that he needs to work on that.  He says he has been having bouts of depression.  He complains about boss wanting him to work tomorrow but he's got too much to do and doesn't want to work.  Pretty much we're having another touch and go and he's being what I'd call very open about what's going on with him.  I told him I'm disorganized also and am trying to work that through.  I told him he sent me too much in maintenance and asked him where he'd like me to mail it back to him,  he says to keep it and I explained that I didn't want to confuse either of us any more then we already are and don't want him ending up taking me to court for it.  I also tell him that I'm keeping a record of it and will send him a copy of that too.  But in general he seems very open to what he's going through but he's not admitting any feelings as I can still tell his cramming those back down.
My question is do you all feel he's progressing through the tunnel, possibly in one of the depression phases? if so where?