[Shocked]

Attaching looking forward to many good questions

[What now]

2 questions.

I'm cycling a little and thought i would do some mirror work to keep myself from the ledge! Anyway, identified that I'm a fixer. I do it when its not needed/wanted. How do I work on this? Do I work on active listening? I just don't know how to stop fixing.

My other. Its coming up to D's birthday and I love D to bits but I wouldn't bear it if ow's name was written in any cards or if he said the pressies were from them both. I know its not my occasion and I need to put D first. How have people managed before when MLCer starts signing things as part of a couple with op? And do you this its reasonable to say to him "look, I dont want ow's name in/on things. If this is to happen, you can take it home afterwards". I know it isn't about me. I know this. I know I should want D to be happy (i do), and initially she will be, later she will get sad though and hes never seen this part of it all.

[1phoenix]

Coming from someone without little ones....I would just remove all cards from all gifts and write the name of who they are from somewhere on the package...make it a game for her and whoops, forgot mistress name, sorry.......

Fixing seems to be a common problem.  Maybe think about it from a control aspect. You cannot fix what you cannot control. Therefore nothing to fix!  Hope you can see that cycle.  Took me awhile to figure that out.  Now, letting go of control, I will leave that up to you to educate the rest of us on.....

[kitty133]

Nah and Medusa,

Thank you so much for your responses. They have made me feel so much better about my situation. My soon to be ex husband has yet to admit to his affair which is maddening since I have tons of proof. I don't want him back but I would love to hear him say that he regrets what he did someday. I know I can't wait around for that because it may never happen but hearing your stories makes me believe that even if I don't hear it he will probably be living with major regrets in the future. Thanks again for your help!

[What now]

Lol, thanks 1phoenix.

I live life by mottos like that "I don't worry about what I can't control" is one of them, but its coming from a needing to help place rather than a need to control. I always offer advice even when its not needed/wanted. I literally had to bite my lips closed a few days ago because my sister wanted to vent. She knows me so said before she started talking "look, I know what I need to do and I know what I'm doing but please let me tell you about this before I go crazy. I dont need help, I just need you to listen".

I guess the way to "fix" is just becoming more aware and asking people if they want me to shut up and listen or try help them figure it out.

As for others letting go of needing to be in control, its only something they can control 

All of this is changing me though, I feel I do worry about things I cant control and that might not happen and I do get anxious because I have no say in how he does things that impacts on my kids.

[1phoenix]

What,

Hmmmm, let's think...... #1 has their life thrown into complete upheaval by #2, someone they trusted.  That trusting relationship was uprooted too.  #1y person who most often did not see it coming feels anxious and scared and unwilling to trust almost everything that involves the person #2 who blew everything up.

Seems pretty normal.  Especially when it would revolve around their kids. 

Would you expect no changes in #1? 

[maomina]

Is it bad that we show our ex s that we don't trust them ? Does it make the crisis worse ?

[Thunder]

No maomina, nothing we do makes it worse....or better.

They do that all by themselves.

[maomina]

Thanks thunder .....I m asking this cause my friends ex confides alot in her and she says he sees her as his safe place ....yet he keeps going to her when he's in trouble and needs money

[Thunder]

Well, I certainly hope she doesn't give it to him.

Would you want your H to come to you only when he needed money or was in trouble?  I sure wouldn't.