Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Furious with my Dad - Request for input for letter

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3949
  • Gender: Female
That was very well written.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: May 03, 2017, 01:18:42 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

T
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 197
  • Gender: Male
  • Beaten paths are for beaten men
Navigator -
Honestly, your father's behavior was despicable.
I am surprised you even want to close the letter with how much you love him.
But certainly let him know your feelings about the matter.
Air

Thanks for coming, Airmid.

Well I do love my Dad.  I certainly don't love his behaviour but I do love him - the person.

I'm undecided about how I'll close the letter - I'll probably change it and keep the ending more "sachlich" (can't think of a good way to say it in English - "business like" is the nearest translation).  The letter is for me though, not him - I don't expect an apology, him to change, any of that. 
  • Logged
Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 10 ), DD ( 9 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS (3)
MLC lasted 6-7 years

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23408
  • Gender: Female
I would just say if these were your honest feelings, then it's perfect. 
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11935
  • Gender: Female
Looks good to me..
  • Logged
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

T
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 197
  • Gender: Male
  • Beaten paths are for beaten men
OK. The letter is written and ready to go in tomorrow's post.

I'm sad. I love my Dad, he was a great father to us when we were very small and his grandchildren love him too.  He was way out of his depth once my sister and I became teenagers.  It's this specific incident during the birth which has driven me around the twist for the past fortnight. Who wouldn't cancel their plans so that their son could support his wife while she births a other grandchild for them?

He's not a nasty bloke, just can be very self absorbed sometimes and have no idea how his actions affect those closest to him. It's as if he has blind spots in his thinking, which I suppose we all do. He's great with small children and animals, less good with humans once they develop a mind of their own.

I know this letter has the potential to cause a ruckus but I need him to know how I feel about it! Placating, appeasing, "sucking it up" and The Navigator don't go together!
  • Logged
Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 10 ), DD ( 9 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS (3)
MLC lasted 6-7 years

A
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4245
  • Gender: Female

Thanks for coming, Airmid.

Well I do love my Dad.  I certainly don't love his behaviour but I do love him - the person.

You did the right thing Nav - you expressed yourself and your feelings.
LBSers are the masters of "sucking it up".
Breaking the habit shows real growth.

BTW - I read a lot of threads - including yours - I just don't comment a lot.
But reading that nonsense about your dad and the birth of your child - --
well that just got to me.   >:( >:( >:(

Anyway - congratulations on the new baby!!!!
  • Logged

T
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 197
  • Gender: Male
  • Beaten paths are for beaten men
OK.

The letter has been sent.  I ended it stating I expected nothing as a result of writing it but that I would of course be glad if he were to consider what I've written in an objective way.  I expressed hope that he had had a pleasant journey home

I have zero expecations, absolutely none, except that he'll get in a huff and my Mum will probably bear the brunt of it.  No wonder she wanted me to "let it lie".

I've slept several nights on this - wondering if I should write or not.  Dad is 68, on lots of different medications and every time I see him I wonder if it's going to be the last time.  I thought I might regret writing the letter but also thought I might regret not writing the letter.  Saying what I needed to say would have been impossible over the phone without Dad either getting in a huff, twisting things, booking me on a guilt trip or changing the subject.

Why has this been such a big deal for me?  It feels like I'm confronting my very own inner core, basic conditioning from very early on in my life. 

But it's done now and that's that.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: May 05, 2017, 12:40:43 AM by The Navigator »
Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 10 ), DD ( 9 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS (3)
MLC lasted 6-7 years

T
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 197
  • Gender: Male
  • Beaten paths are for beaten men
Got a letter back from my Dad which he had typed out and printed.

Predictably caustic and mocking in tone including:
  • A lecture on the 7 Ps
  • The fact that he found the notion of me pacing around being mad "hilarious"
  • That it would, however, have been "less funny" for my wife had we not found an extra babysitter
  • Other lectures about poor organisation etc.

Comforting to know some things shan't change for the rest of Eternity.  Perhaps I'll type it out and post it here.

Haven't spoken to him since the baby came which is nearly a month ago.
  • Logged
Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 10 ), DD ( 9 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS (3)
MLC lasted 6-7 years

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23408
  • Gender: Female
Oh boy, I'm sorry he couldn't see the error of his ways but then you didn't expect him to.

Life goes on as usual.
How's the baby doing?
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

p
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 885
  • Gender: Female
  • Deserted on 2/18/17
Nav...keep the reminder of his letter of how not to be in the present and future!! Of course don't let him know that because then he'll think he's a role model!
  • Logged
:(
Me 53
H 58
No kids
known each other 29 years
Married on 10/19/1991
BD 2/18/17

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.