Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Furious with my Dad - Request for input for letter  (Read 3483 times)

Offline HopeFaithLove

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Furious with my Dad - Request for input for letter
« Reply #20 on: May 17, 2017, 06:38:55 PM »
That's why I don't bother trying to enlighten my dad. He just doesn't get it. He hears what he wants to hear, thinks only of himself and wants to control everything and everyone. Unfortunately he lives with me and sometimes I want to kick him out. Maybe some day I will. All I can do is stand firm in what I want and if he gets mad too bad. He can leave if he doesn't like it. It's really hard when you're a successful 50 yr old and your dad still thinks you can't manage your life.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 13:13

Offline Airmid

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Re: Furious with my Dad - Request for input for letter
« Reply #21 on: May 17, 2017, 07:09:05 PM »
Sad response from you Father.
How would I deal with it?

I would stop pursing a relationship with my Father and let him initiate.
I would be prepared that if he didn't initiate contact, communication etc - that I would have to accept that - and let the relationship lie dormant.

There comes a point in an adults life where we stop being the child.
You are a full adult -  a parent yourself.
Your father is trivializing your feelings and treating you like a child.
Further more - his behavior is abusive and cruel.

He may be biologically your father - but he is not acting like a parent.
You owe him nothing at this point.

Letting people own the consequences for their actions is something we learn in this MLC hell.
It applies to everyone - not just the MLCer.
Actions have consequences.

Online in it

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Re: Furious with my Dad - Request for input for letter
« Reply #22 on: May 17, 2017, 07:18:35 PM »
I find it such a shame that something that ought to be a joy in every ones life creates this kind of problem.

Weddings, funerals, birth of babies these things in life IMHO should bring people together. Whether its in celebration, joy of a new life or in grieving the loss of a loved one.

These events seem to bring out the worst in some people.

There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Furious with my Dad - Request for input for letter
« Reply #23 on: May 18, 2017, 07:25:22 AM »
A lecture on the 7 P's?

Are you freaking serious?

That is what you did when you agreed that he would come to help!

In good German, ich bin jetzt stinksauer!

I agree with Air -

Yes, you love your dad. That goes without saying ... but loving someone does NOT mean accepting what they do all the time, especially when it is not in your best interests.

Air said to let him open the communication and I agree. When I read your post of his response, my blood boiled.

I have to say that, in my case, my dad was a toxic alcoholic so I had very infrequent communication with him that dwindled off until he died, but I guess it is really a matter of expectations, isn't it?  We expect our parents to behave in certain ways... OK, the baby decided that he liked hanging around so that is not your dad's fault that Dad only had a certain amount of time but his reaction and his planning leaves a lot to be desired... Like you said, a real friend would have understood. The only person Dad was messing about was you...

You are no longer the little boy he knew and could steamroll over. You've made the transition to the adult world. His image of you hasn't.  therefore, he sees it somehow appropriate to be callous. After all, he probably did the same thing to your mom (took off instead of supporting her at the hospital - although in his day, dads were kept away from the actual birth as I understand for the most part)

He will have to deal with the consequences of his actions... Accountability is a real drag sometimes.
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline The NavigatorTopic starter

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Re: Furious with my Dad - Request for input for letter
« Reply #24 on: May 18, 2017, 08:06:11 AM »
Thank you so much for replying everybody.

A lecture on the 7 P's?

Are you freaking serious?
Yep.

Because the day and time of birth is 100% predictable after all.  We had asked folk if they could help in the weeks beforehand, but you never really know until labour actually starts.

Anyone ever had someone not show up when they agreed to help you move house, for example?

That is what you did when you agreed that he would come to help!
Apparently that was only valid for the first two weeks of his visit.

In good German, ich bin jetzt stinksauer!
Stinksauer, wütend und zugleich auch resigniert.  Ich hätte nichts anderes von ihm erwartet als genau diese Antwort.

Yes, you love your dad. That goes without saying ... but loving someone does NOT mean accepting what they do all the time, especially when it is not in your best interests.
I certainly don't accept his assertion that he'd expect me to abandon W at the hospital if we weren't able to find another babysitter.  I told him as much which he wouldn't have liked at all.  Being a retired military man, he most likely looks at me as a "subordinate" still - and I can assure you I'm absolutely no one's subordinate.

I'm just really glad we found someone quickly.

Air said to let him open the communication and I agree. When I read your post of his response, my blood boiled.
He can  get in touch when he's good and ready.

I shan't be initiating any contact.

My sister described our Dad quite aptly as "dysfunction lite".  Maybe it's pure dysfunction but if so, I would be completely blind to that.

You are no longer the little boy he knew and could steamroll over.
Hell no.

Perish the thought.

You've made the transition to the adult world.
Over two decades ago.

Thank God.

After all, he probably did the same thing to your mom (took off instead of supporting her at the hospital - although in his day, dads were kept away from the actual birth as I understand for the most part)
He was at my birth.

Mum said he cried because he was so happy to have a little boy.

He wasn't at my younger sisters' births.  The hospitals were miles away and he had to look after us.

I gave up trying to figure Dad out decades ago.  Just kept interactions cordial, superficial and "distant".

I've been reminded of why I did that all those years ago.
Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 9 ), DD ( 8 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS born April 2017
MLC lasted 6-7 years

Offline The NavigatorTopic starter

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Re: Furious with my Dad - Request for input for letter
« Reply #25 on: May 19, 2017, 11:59:46 PM »
I find it such a shame that something that ought to be a joy in every ones life creates this kind of problem.

Weddings, funerals, birth of babies these things in life IMHO should bring people together. Whether its in celebration, joy of a new life or in grieving the loss of a loved one.

These events seem to bring out the worst in some people.

Hey in it,

Yes, I couldn't agree with you more. These events can bring people together and can also expose the cracks existing in the bonds between family members.

My Dad referred to all of this as a "spat" in his letter but I see it much more as a clash of value systems and world views.

Baby is going to be one month old on Sunday. He's so unbelievably cute!!
Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 9 ), DD ( 8 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS born April 2017
MLC lasted 6-7 years

Offline The NavigatorTopic starter

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Re: Furious with my Dad - Request for input for letter
« Reply #26 on: August 09, 2017, 08:07:43 AM »
Hello again,

This matter has "come to life" again.

Mum and Dad are planning to visit Germany in September 2017, will stay with my cousin and visit other people, but my wife does not want my Dad to come to our house at all.  She's mad at herself for letting him come the day after the birth of our little baby in April 2017 after everything that happened the day he was born.

I get where she's coming from.

I also haven't initiated any contact with Dad for over three months, the longest I've been without speaking with him.

W doesn't want our children to see him either, and this is the bit I'm conflicted about.  She told me I would be "weak" if I didn't "take a stand" and let a bad deed go unpunished.

I cannot make her want to see my Dad or even allow him in the house, but he hasn't offended our kids and they do love their Grandad.  I don't see anything wrong with taking them to see him at a neutral location.

Any input?  I'm completely at a loss here and my neck and back have been tense for weeks.

I know this is also off topic.  Sorry about that.
Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 9 ), DD ( 8 ) confirmed mine with paternity tests
Another DS born April 2017
MLC lasted 6-7 years

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Furious with my Dad - Request for input for letter
« Reply #27 on: August 09, 2017, 08:18:08 AM »
Hard to say....

My FIL(RIP) was the party guy and my son loved him... He was also an NPD Mid-Lifer who could not be trusted any father than I could throw him so we also met him however on neutral territory.

I disagree with the "weak" comment... That is just playing the guilt card in my view..  How long should he be punished for being a jerk?  He is old and will not be around forever.  I understand that she is still hurt/angry at his behavior and justifiably so but, at some point, if there is to be any kind of reconciliation or reconnection, someone has to make the first step....

Question: Has your dad tried to make contact with you? How do you know they are coming and what their plans are?  That might also be an indicator... If you are getting this info from others, then maybe the break is mutual and you don't have to see him <just a thought>

However, you are right, you can not make W want to see him but I agree that you can't punish your kids by NOT letting them see him if they want to. If they know hes coming, then they will probably want to see him...

Hard call....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Furious with my Dad - Request for input for letter
« Reply #28 on: August 09, 2017, 08:22:36 AM »
I agree with you.  He doesn't need to come to your house and she doesn't need to see him, but why keep the kids away from him?

Yes, it may punish him but it will also punish the kids because they love him.
Kids should never be used as a punishment.

I'm with you on this one.  Maybe just tell her you understand how she feels but you're only doing it for the kids, not for your dad.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Furious with my Dad - Request for input for letter
« Reply #29 on: August 09, 2017, 08:33:04 AM »
Navigator,

The verse for today is:
Quote
VERSE OF THE DAY
August 9
Proverbs 19:11
11 A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

 ;)

Having come from a family where grudges held had sad consequences, I am always in favor of making sure bridges are passable and rebuilding them if necessary. We are only given today.

I can certainly understand your wife's reluctance to receive your father. I can understand your children's desire to see their grandad too. You are in a difficult quandary, I think you will have to try and come to an agreement with your wife without hurting her even more.

I agree that you should be able to take the kids to see him in a neutral location too.

Yuck, none of this is fun. :(
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

 

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