[BrenM]

Does anyone else on here cycle with Depression?  At the moment I am just overwhelmed with disbelief.  I know we have come so far on this journey, but gee wheez it certainly takes a toll on a person.  Surely the MLCer must experience the same, especially a vanisher?  Was I crazy in the past, am I crazy now or are I turning turning crazy? 

[bluerose]

      Rossbren,
                 2 weeks ago i spent the entire weekend on the couch crying and not eating. The only time i pulled myself together was when s21 stopped by. I pulled up enough strength to walk over to the neighbors with him. My neighbor asked me if i was ok and what brought this depression on.  I had no answer for her. The stress gets so over whelming at times that i think thats how my body decided to deal with it at that point.  So no, your not crazy.

[Treasure]

Rossbren ..
   I'm over 3 years since bomb drop and divorced as of January. I still cry a lot and feel overwhelmed by it all. My xh is a vanisher to me but keeps in contact with our children .. they are older tho. My d says he treats s different to her .. in fact he treats d like his m treat him. She Favoured his sister to him and it annoyed the hell out of me but he did nothing about it.  Now he's doing the same to d with s. Probably doesn't see it himself. How can they do it when they know what it's like. .. now all of a sudden he has decided he wants to be a grandad to her children and spend time on his own with them. !! 3 years on and having not been bothered about spending time with them on his own before what's brought that on !!
And ow being involved with this just makes me sick to my stomach. Why do they want to play happy families now. !
So yes we do still get depressed.. and overwhelmed.
Keep telling myself it will pass .. it's just another something that I have to get used to ..
last few days I've cried on and off and don't really know why. It just hits you and then you can be alright for a while.
It does get better but it's there all the time. And the amount of times I've thought I'm crazy for feeling like this !! So you aren't alone in that thinking.
But you're not crazy just hurting. X

[nah]

We would be more crazy if we didn't get depressed.

Long term marriages and our families destroyed?  The crazy people are the ones who don't cry.

Surely the MLCer must experience the same, especially a vanisher? 

I remember in the early days when the emotional pain was so bad it was physical.  You know what I mean, that lump right in the chest.  I remember thinking, "oh that's why they call it heart-ache.... it actually aches".  Up until now, I never had anything like this happen to me.  He was my first boyfriend.  I also remember thinking if he had been feeling this pain and hiding it, wow.... that must have been rough.  You see, I cried, I talked about it, I punched things, threw things, cried and cried some more, day after day after day.  He did none of this..  Does that mean they aren't feeling anything?  Hell No.... They have the same feelings but keeping them bottled up,... that's where the anger comes from.  Makes sense to me. 

I can't imagine what it must be like to keep all that emotion held up.  No wonder they are a mess. 

Don't think for one minute that the OP is getting the good side of the spouse we use to know.  Maybe in the early days they can pretend for a while but the mask does fall off.  The OP puts up with it b/c they are also a mess.  Hurt people attract hurt people. 

My (former) vanisher has said to me recently that he thinks of me "every fire trucking day, not one day has gone by that I haven't thought of you".  I think he tried to stop.  Remember, they were in the marriage too, was it a good marriage?  Sure they try to re-write but they do know the truth deep down, even worse it was THEIR choices.  I just listen, he was the one that said, "when I look in the mirror, every fire trucking morning...."  Just like we always wondered.  Yes I 100% believe that they go over and over and over their decisions but they keep themselves stuck. 

[sparklestar]

Nah so your H has said he thought:thinks of you every single day? So what the heck stops him from trying to come back? I genuinely can't get my head around it?

Any more insight from other LBSs on this?

Re the depression. Yeah it comes and goes. I find it's always hormonal or when something's happened ( I've seen something or I wobble and lose hope). The only thing I try is literally pull myself together and try and think of good things and what I'm grateful for..... it's just the hurt and the 'how could he do this' thoughts that haunt me that I find difficult. Total disbelief still. And HOW can he have just started another life. I'm not sure there is anything that will help get my head around it. That's what I struggle with and it's no good to stop trying to figure it out.....impossible! It's the how did my lovely H end up doing this!!!??? Argh!

[heroIam]

They must hide the hurt pretty damn good.  It is so beyond me that they can just go on with someone else as if we didn't exist anymore.  That takes a pretty hardened heart.   Our marriage wasn't that bad.  Honestly, I don't know if time really does do much.  If anything, I would imagine it would bring OW and H closer together if they are still together.  In my case, I know nothing.  I choose to not use social media.  I choose to know as less as possible.   I just want to be at peace and not see anything hurtful and triggering.  This is so unbelievable to me.  If life is so good on the other side, have at it.

I plan on staying put.  If he wants to continue paying so be it.  I will make no decisions and live my life.  I wonder if OW knows he is still financially responsible.  I wonder what the heck h tells ow.  I would imagine it is lie after lie.  The whole thing is so juvenile and so unbelievable.  It really just blows me away every day - how someone can be so cruel and not know the cruelty it inflicts on another.  Do they not have any compassion, respect anymore?

[beyondblessed]

Nah so your H has said he thought:thinks of you every single day? So what the heck stops him from trying to come back? I genuinely can't get my head around it?

Any more insight from other LBSs on this?

Re the depression. Yeah it comes and goes. I find it's always hormonal or when something's happened ( I've seen something or I wobble and lose hope). The only thing I try is literally pull myself together and try and think of good things and what I'm grateful for..... it's just the hurt and the 'how could he do this' thoughts that haunt me that I find difficult. Total disbelief still. And HOW can he have just started another life. I'm not sure there is anything that will help get my head around it. That's what I struggle with and it's no good to stop trying to figure it out.....impossible! It's the how did my lovely H end up doing this!!!??? Argh!

I cannot speak for Nah....but stubbornness and pride of never being wrong or deficient, mentally or otherwise, is what will prevent mine from ever returning.  When he left, he was absolutely certain that it was going to make him blissfully happy to be with OW....now, I know that isn't going to be the case, but he will die wearing that mask  of a man who never made a mistake....even if it kills him.

[nah]

Yes, Beyond nailed it

When he stomped off four years ago "to be happy", he dug his heels in that this divorce had to be done, it wasn't his fault that he wasn't happy, he couldn't help that he had changed. These were his words and nobody was going to change his mind.

How does someone destroy everything that was good, not just for him but his whole family... the destruction was huge. Then turn around and say," oopsie, my mistake".  MLCers are huge cowards and captains of avoidance, they just don't have the b@lls to man up. It's that simple.

So why did mine say these things after years of hiding?

It's been eating at him for years now. Day in, day out, the fantasy is not what he thought it would be., I believe he said these things to me accidentally. He wasn't crying at my front door, begging to return. No, it was in the middle of a scream fest between the two of us. We rarely argued when we were married. We probably should have, many truths came out.  He caught himself in the middle and said, "it's not like I want to be married to you". Too late, buddy, the cats already out of the bag.


What about the wedding?  I really believe he knows he's getting in deeper but again, what does he do now?  Financially, he painted himself into a corner, he can't run away a second time. That's his house, he is barely staying afloat, no more money to support a mic drop like he did to me.

Typical.

[sparklestar]

I have to say the concept of pride and stubbornness in a situation that goes against your happiness in the only life you have is again too much for my poor little brain to handle. I mean I get it but I really don't get it.... it's the ultimate 'cut your nose off to spite your face'

i sometimes wonder did these spouses just get bored and go about leaving a relationship in a really bad way? I know there's lots of evidence that points to MLC etc but I sometimes wonder could it just be they got bored and even if what they go to isn't great they were bored with their old life? In my own case I know that this probably wasn't the case but it all seems so bonkers I guess my cynical side thinks a different way. I think DF even said it on her thread recently - you sometimes get caught in the thought that maybe I was a crap wife/hard to live with/boring (insert whatever here) and H was just bored/unhappy (again insert whatever here) and wanted out? Maybe it's just that simple. And then I come to my senses and think why am I even questioning it! Anyone else do that?

[heroIam]

SS,
Yes, I question it a lot.  You aren't alone there.  And yes, I also think it is as simple as just boredom - for them anyway.   Might be some symptoms of MLC here and there too.  But overall, I'm not so sure it is just MLC.  I never thought it was just MLC.  I suppose being married to the same person for many years can get boring and predictable.  But mature individuals that love each other usually try to do something about it and work together.  Or if a separation is needed you both decide next steps and then come back to revisit the relationship/marriage at a later date.  Cutting and running and avoiding is just selfish and immature.  Avoiding all conflict and avoiding facing any of it is cowardly.  What's the harm in talking about it and deciding together what to do?  Why just leave and go play teenager with a nasty skank?  I'm sure in my case he has guilt and feels obligated and responsible for me.  Which is why as much as I'm angered by the way he handled this, I still have compassion and love for my H that he at least didn't just leave me high and dry financially.  I know he struggles emotionally and mentally, FOO issues, etc..  Can't help him there but I can be an anchor and a lighthouse and be there when/if he's ready to discuss, move forward and heal together. While continuing to try and live my best life right now.  I don't think you/we were bad wives.  I just think they have some challenges in the maturity dept with development and emotions. And I guess they need to just figure it out for themselves if it's greener on the other side -- OR NOT.  And if the green doesn't start to wilt, which I'm guessing as long as they don't look at themselves, the green grass will eventually wilt.