[Not Applicable]

So it's really hard because of course we want to say all this stuff BUT and I read this somewhere what is it you want most - to be right or to save your marriage? If it's the latter then some careful consideration has to be given to how you come across and what your leaver may think of you. Again best version of your self, becoming an attractive force comes in to play. I have seen several of the reconciliation threads where by its almost as if the LBS lures the leaver back - in once sense they become the OW! Of course there will be situations where that doesn't work but it's basic psychology and attraction at work here.

I think you have a point. My H isn't a vanisher but this morning we had a touch and go. He started it by coming in and actually asking me how things were. He has avoided asking me how things are for months, maybe afraid of the answer. So I said OK, but didn't dwell on it. I saw him peering out the shutters so I quickly changed the subject to a family of falcons living between our wall and the neighbors house. Right before BD last year he and I would sit outside at night watching them and it was one of the few things I could engage with him on at the time so I knew it could grab his attention.

He then sat down on the bed and we were silent for a few seconds and I said I guess you have today off (as he had told me that earlier in the week) and he said no he had to go to the hospital so then I started asking him about his new job as the director of a new hospital and gave him suggestions about his work. In other words, I kept the focus on HIM and showed an interest in him. I know OW's idea of making conversation with him often consists of complaining and making trouble about ME. And he doesn't want her opinion on anything, although he welcomes mine. So I wanted him to feel like it was him that was of interest to me and to give him my opinion meant reprising the role that he always appreciated in me but doesn't even want her to give him.

We know our spouses better than anyone and we know what is of interest and attraction to them. I do believe if they actually give us the time to get their attention that we can lure them back. It's when they are running from us, whether completely or partially, that we simply don't have the ability to do that. Because they are not focused enough on us to see these things.

[nah]

Yes, I agree, especially with vanishers because there are so few interactions each interaction makes a bigger difference, one way or another, than if you have a live-in MLCer.

I remember the Leaver's comments over the years, b/c there wasn't much to remember.  If someone slapped you in the face one time, ten years ago, you would remember it well BUT if you are getting slapped over and over everyday, you just can't remember each and every one, even if they are all equally painful.

Four years ago, after he left, I needed to contact him for divorce information.  When I realized that I didn't have the required information I needed b/c no one told me I said to him, "how was I supposed to know?  You won't talk to me."  He yelled at me, "why would I want to talk to you when all you do is use me as a punching bag!?!"    This was after four months of zero communication, I gave him all the space he asked for, he moved in with the girl and I was a complete puddle, but I did not contact him at all.  I had no idea where he got the punching bag idea, I mean, geez, I said nothing.

All I could come up with is the days after BD, but there was no anger, just crying.  It was in his head.

Did I slip in four years and show anger?  Well, yeah.  Again, I'm human.  Overall, most people who know us, think I've been too kind.  It's a fine line, only each of know what we can take, and how to handle the crap we have been given.  We want our families back, but none of us want to be doormats, either.

That's why I was so surprised that he contacted me right after our scream-fest.  In the early days, not only would he have not contacted me after, heck he would have hung up the first two minutes.  Nope, he took it.  It wasn't just me screaming and him taking it though, he had some anger too.  Again, we both had things to get off of our chests.  After we calmed down, we still talked about serious issues, and then by the end we were both joking and just talking like we did when we were married.

Now did I do anything different to "lure" him back?  I don't think so.  In fact, I was kinder to him in the early days.  I think if I was a complete b!tch to him, yes, that would keep him away.  Other than that, I'm just being myself, who happens to be pretty much the same person he loved for 25+ years, only a little more independent. 

[Shocked]

I wanted to say like Rossbren and PooWoo spoke about my vanisher had a very addictive personality. He did drink in excess but also if there was a trend he had to be part of it. Needed new golf clubs bc all the other guys had them. New clothes, new car like his boss's. Exercising and running in the extreme.  He was living a double life for a least a year if not two. I'm just staggered by the similarities. It's so helpful to have a vanishers thread!!!!

[BrenM]

Shocked, Poowoo

I forgot to mention the obsession with bike riding, fruit trees, water skiing, and exercising (including taking steroids).  Nothing was ever done half hearted - he always went to the extremes, had to have the best of everything and quickly.  Top of the range equipment.  Then came the wardrobe change.  This occurred when my eldest son was 16 and started taking care in the clothes and style he wore.  Guess who followed suit!  He has been like this with friendships during his life as well.  Obsessive and the rejection occurs, normally on his behalf.  Unsure if this is cycling?  He would normally come in contact with mates again when they were doing fun stuff, or reconnection would just reoccur.  Sounds a bit narcissistic doesn't it. It is eerie really.  The similiar stories, the patterns, the script.  This is why I continue to stand.  I can't give up on him just yet.

Now did I do anything different to "lure" him back?  I don't think so.  In fact, I was kinder to him in the early days.  I think if I was a complete b!tch to him, yes, that would keep him away.  Other than that, I'm just being myself, who happens to be pretty much the same person he loved for 25+ years, only a little more independent. 

Guess the leaver came out of his fog and common sense prevailed.  The day that the majority of us Standers wish for.....

[bluerose]

      I have been really looking back on things the last couple of weeks. Like all of us do. My h mirrors his friends and always has but just before and after bd it became really noticeable. If his friends have something or gets something he wants it. He said he always wanted a harley. I dont remember in our whole relationship him ever wanting one until we moved and our neighbors had one. Then a friend he went to high school with , he reconnected with on fb a woman, has one he really had to have one. He even started talking differently when he started reconnecting with old friends from school. Different sayings he never used to say.  He would look at their relationships and compare it to us. Alot of them were divorced and remarried or in new relationships and " happy". I think that also rubbed off on him too. He works with alot of younger guys who go from one girl to the next abd i think he wanted to be like them too. I think it is pretty creepy.

[sparklestar]

Bluerose I had v similar things happen with H, he was quieter at times but what I noticed was he changed his style after a thing series on vikings - they were all so gorgeous (which I was v vocal about) and he started tying his hair back. Then a few months later came the acting younger, saying new words and sayings that the younger lads at his football team we're using - I even remember bringing this up with him.

He had already bought the sports car the year before. But he was really feeding off of his friends esp the younger ones and they were complimentary about his style etc.

After BD he Connected with an ex GF on social media and started to follow lingerie models which is SO not like him. And the acting young continued as I have mentioned before on various threads he even filmed himself rapping in the car which got posted by one of his younger friends on twitter - it was serious and not a joke.....

I've just read through those Happy again posts. What on earth? What a mixed up mind behind them! So sure and determined but at the same time totally not. Wow. I have to say though the way he described his wife at first I was like yep I would want to leave too. That's kind of my point in my earlier post. And v ibterestingvhow he says he doesn't want it thrown in his face and what he's done to be a forever reason to hold him accountable etc - also my point in my posts.... a LOt to think about. Only problem is how do you reconnect with a vanisher??? 

[bluerose]

    Im trying to figure that one out myself. If i ever figure it out, i will tell ya.

[BrenM]

Ladies I guess that they have to bend some time or later....matter of time I say.  Like a time bomb....

[OldPilot]

I have been reading again and have come across a forum of a previous MLCer.  Please note that this is not a complete story, entries have unfortunately been purged and forever lost.  It does however give you an understanding of the mixed up mind of the MLCer.  In some instances I thought it was my H writing these entries, just how script MLC is.  From my readings I assume that he went back to his family.....


happy_again

Care to share the link?
I knew Happy Again from divorce busting.

[Loyal]

He even started talking differently when he started reconnecting with old friends from school. Different sayings he never used to say. [/color]

Strange you write that Bluerose, I was talking to a mutual acquaintance (who happens to be a policewoman) of P and myself  this morning. She bumped into P accidentally a few weeks ago and noticed that his way of speech was completely different to previously and said that he spoke and expressed himself very affectedly, which perplexed her as she knows him as being a very natural and down to earth person. Very creepy indeed Bluerose but but these traits are just another of the so many different features of their MLC masks!