[nah]

That's why, in a way, with Vaniahers it feels more hopeless. Though I know a few peoples opinions on this are v different. Nah I think says she feels like most will want to return it's just the fact that because they vanished the LBS hasn't much to go on and so ordinarily moves on - correct me if I'm wrong Nah!!!

Well, every story is different.

I still think the most important factor isn't really what is going on at the moment as much as what the marriage was really like,,,, only each of us really know. 

Also, vanishers are cowards,...plain and simple.  So if the LBS reacted on no uncertain terms that they have no interest in the MLCer, well then, chances are slim.  I'm not saying you need to send love notes every week (that will scare them even more), I'm just saying a little bit of kindness will go a long way in the long term, if that's what you want.

I also feel, like Beyond, that we really have to live like they are not coming back.  Nothing is a guarantee, none of us here really know what will happen, so waiting and watching will only prevent us from living and won't do anybody any good whether or not they come back.

So I know many have been watching me b/c I had the unusual interaction of him opening up to me.

Like a true MLCer he has recently pulled back.  It seems to me, it doesn't matter if they are a clinger or a vanisher, they still have many traits in common.  LBSers of live-in MLCers are use to their spouses pulling back and forth, moving in and out, we are not.  They leave and that's it.

So when mine opened up, yes, I did feel like he was moving towards me. 

So he generously offered to sell my house for free, right?  I received dozens of long-winded messages.  So even though I took my house off of the market for a short time, I received a call and showed the house to a couple.  I contacted the Leaver to let him know and he responded with a name of a real estate agent that works for the same company as him. 

Honestly, I'm not up for another 3,4,5 years of him wavering.  I'm not up for the "pick-me dance".  I am certainly not up for playing the other woman to a man that use to be my husband.

So I know many were hoping that I would be one of those happy ending stories.  The thing is, I am one of those happy ending stories.  My happy ending is living life to the fullest,.... when this house sells, I'm quitting my job and I'm going to travel like crazy.

That phone call was a gift.  Maybe it was what I needed to really truly let go.

[Shelly7435]

attaching

[beyondblessed]

I do think that too many LBS want so much to believe that these runaways had no idea what they were doing when they ran because the reality is quite the contrary.  These men and women spent months, some years, suffering in silence and emotionally detaching from us....hence the "not in love with you speech".  At that point, they really do see us as an obstacle in their path to happiness.  We are misery personified to them.  Sure, I do believe they are mentally disturbed, but they still function on a daily basis.  They get up, they work, they take part in social activities, and then they lie, cheat, steal, you name it...the point is, they are still carrying on and making choices, albeit bad ones.

You can try to rationalize it, justify it, enable it, whatever, but at the end of the day, they are still firetrucking someone who isn't their spouse, they are still playing happy family with kids who are not their own, all the while ignoring their actual children, they are still stealing the money and assets amassed during the marriage, leaving way too many LBS in dire financial straits, all by their choice.  Everyone of us will inevitably reach our own point of no return.  We all have that line that cannot be uncrossed, and individually we will all ride off in our own self-created sunset when that time comes.

And I do agree with Nah, if your marriage was better than average, you may have a better chance of the runaway at least attempting some form of communication in the future.  My marriage was barely average, although at BD, I offered to seek counseling in an attempt to at least try and salvage the 18 years we'd spent together.  He declined and that was that.  I simply decided I was worth way more than I had settled for in him.  I have since become involved with a wonderfully caring, sweet, emotionally mature man, who has shown me what a truly loving relationship really is supposed feel like. 

Now18 months later, my xh does not directly contact me, but has sent me screenshots of my posts on here, so I know he's watching.  He's supposedly now engaged to the OW, but still keeping tabs on me....must be true love for them, right?  lol  He's also known about my bf since we started seeing each other.  The other day when I was doing cardio at the gym, I saw him driving thru the parking lot, which could've been a coincidence, except that OW was still at work, waiting for him to pick her up.....all the way clear across town.  Yeah, they still watch for whatever perverse reason.  And believe me, I will never leave him to wonder just how much better off I am without him...all he has to do is keep watching because you can't fake the kind of happiness and success I've found since he's been gone.  It's written all over my face, and the way I've chosen to carry on.

[Thunder]

Welcome to this new thread, blue rose.

I do not have a Vanisher, so can't add much but I support you guys.

It has to be so very hard. 

[bluerose]

    Thank you thunder.   It is hard. I chit chatted with my h about 3 weeks ago in my driveway. First time in a long time. I asked him how he has been and he didnt even ask me that back. The lack of caring or empathy is like a knife twisting in your heart every time.

[BrenM]

Beyonddone - thankyou for sharing your observations about your Exh with us standers.  It is ironic how they cannot seem to drop the rope and nor can we.  Why?  The connection is still there and always will be.

I totally agree to an extent that they know what they are doing, thus why they runaway, it is the guilt.  Are they in control? That remains the million dollar question. After reading recounts from Denjef, Happy and Shantilly Lace and even Nah's I believe they can't.  They are in the deep mist of MLC.  And boy do they make devastating choices which hurt their loved ones.

I believe in the MLC process.  Look at this site and the others.  Our stories are identical, how is this so?  We don't know these people from around the world, yet our life stories are the same. Spouses of long term marriages vanishing - not only their wife/husband but their children and others. A high percentage of Mlcer's also have encountered childhood trauma/abuse.  This just does not make sense and never will.

I too would dearly love to hear stories about Vanishers returning or coming out of the fog. Even reconnecting with the children that they abandoned. Unfortunately these stories are rare.  If anyone knows of reconnection stories please share.  It would help so many on this site.

I choose to stand, I know what our 28 year relationship was like.  I know my husband, probably better than anyone else. I know that the man he was would be disgusted in his actions. He would be livid that any man could abandon his family.   It is like a nightmare, but unfortunately it is not!  Something is not right.  He has monstered at many - he used to be such a placid man.  He has put his family into financial hardship, struggling to survive, whilst he lives the high life.  We are on the verge of loosing our family home.  This is the same man that used to say that he would give his children everything and all the opportunities in life that he was not given.  People tell me daily what a lowlife my H is, that I am better off without him, that he is not worth anything, I beg to differ.  I just know my husband is still in that body somewhere, I am not giving up on him just yet.  I trust the MLC process.  Please don't get me wrong, I am not a weak woman, I used to tell him that if he played up that we would be finished.  It is not until you experience something first hand that you really know what you would actually do. I surprised myself!

I believe in fate.  If two people are meant to be together, they will find each other, irrespective of the severity of the curve balls life throws at us.

I am pleased that you have found happiness in your relationship.  You certainly do deserve happiness.  I guess now you can drop your rope and live a happy life.   Xx

[beyondblessed]

Thank you, Rossbren for your kind words and understandING of my situation.  My xh wasn't always the man he is today either, but I saw plenty of flashes of this person he has fully become today.  The potential was always brewing at the surface.  Yes, he was abused as a child, I get that and am fully aware that this has deeply damaged a part of his brain that may never recover.  Internally, yes, he is a mess of a human being, and I just don't ever see him changing.  I don't think he would even know where to begin or more to the point, that he even wants to.  To many in his family have taken this exact path, in fact his younger brother is doing, and strangely enough, I think they are doing it together, as in having relationships with women who know each other.  It is truly a bizarre situation, the more my SIL tells me.  I wouldn't be at all surprised if my xh didn't somehow hook his brother up with this OW, either.  Kind of ironic they both ended up with women from a town 45 minutes away from where we live, that neither would've been caught dead in just 5 years ago.

And it has been a steady, but gradual process of dropping the rope.  Coming here and sharing my life and progress helps tremendously.  The anger feel towards xh has dissapated slowly and has eased into deep disappointment.  I do know for a fact that I will never trust him enough to have any kind of relationship with him. All the lies and deceit make him someone who has no place in my life.  And as for my new love, things are going well.  We have a lot of differences that we've had insightful discussions about, we've argued, too, but always fairly and constructively, which is a much different communication style than I had with xh.  So, yes, life is different with the new man, and that is a blessing.  At this point, I am still healing from the damage of xh, so the wonderful gift of time will do its thing and I will continue to keep living, moving forward, and choosing happiness and positivity as my core beliefs.

You are core that after 28 years, you know your H as he was during your M.  I do understand you need and desire to stand for what you once had.  It is very difficult to drop that rope because of the history it's tied to.  There is nothing easy or quick about making the decision to move forward and leave the past behind.  I hope that this journey leads you where you were meant to be in its end.

[nah]

I too would dearly love to hear stories about Vanishers returning or coming out of the fog. Even reconnecting with the children that they abandoned. Unfortunately these stories are rare.  If anyone knows of reconnection stories please share.  It would help so many on this site.

Just yesterday, a LBS who use to post on here posted on Fellowship (Facebook) that her divorce was final and her ex messaged her that he didn't want the divorce that she filed several years ago.  ummm.... he was living with the ow and never conveyed that message to her until now, and it's too late she is very done.

I met this woman a few years ago at a meet-up and I can see why he is kicking himself. 

I really truly think this is common.  No, I don't think many out of the blue just "wake-up" out of the fog.  I think it's a very slow process that just eats at them.  I mean really, it's just all too crazy.  Most of the stories are so similar.  Why do so many of us say we were the couple that everyone envied?  Many, many people before and after BD, so often asked me what was my secret to a happy marriage, or something along those lines.  We were like giggly school kids up until he started to change.  No one envies him now, people just shake their heads. 

Geez, HE TOLD ME, that his life makes him physically sick, yet not only is he staying the course he is marrying her.  Crazy, crazy, crazy. 

So where are all the return stories? 

We are not average women who were left.  Hey, I'll say it, I'm a fire-trucking catch.  My boyfriend can't believe his luck.  He says it to me every single day.  See, we are both in our early 50's and he has been out there in the dating world.  I am loyal (I mean, geez, look what I put up with), I am intelligent, fun, I have a great job, I believe in family, the list goes on.  Yes, I have baggage with what happened but at least I'm trying to figure it out and my role in this mess.  I was surprised to find out that my crazy is mild comparative to most single middle-aged woman (according to boyfriend anyways  ).

So our MLCers release very good woman out into the world like we have no worth.  When they throw us out there, we usually agree with them.  We feel like we don't matter.  The person who I believed in the most, stopped believing in me.  Once I realized everything he was dumping on me was HIS issues and not mine, things started to turn.

Now I walk a little different, my head is higher, my smile is real.  I feel confident, I feel alive.  You know how I met my boyfriend?  He tapped me on my shoulder.  I wasn't at all looking, he spotted me from a distance in a crowd.  He said I looked confident, classy in a room full of desperate lonely women.  He said if he didn't try to talk to me, that he knew he would obsess about me for weeks.

So when my husband was going on about how bad is life is, how much he thinks about me and the life we use to have, he slipped in that he still didn't want to be married to me.

"GOOD!! " I said, "why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?"

That's why the return stories are rare. 

I don't think there could possibly be a LBS out there that loved their spouse more than I love(d) the Leaver.  My family was everything to me. 

Once I was released, I found a new world of experiences.  He now seems old, tired, boring, full of problems are no longer my problems.

Life goes on without them.

[Not Applicable]

Nah-I just wanted to say although my H is not a vanisher and I am taking a very different path, I have been reading your posts on the vanisher threads with great anticipation as you are giving a lot of good insight that is relevant even for us standers. Thank you.

[Thunder]

I agree Goner.